233 thoughts on “Fundy Christmas Day 5 Challenge: (re)Write a Carol”

  1. Dashing to the church,
    With your shoes all clearly shined,
    Hold to your KJV,
    Don’t smile at any time.

    You see that other guy,
    His wife is wearing pants,
    The pastor will be aware of this,
    So, that he can rant.

    OH, Fundy church,
    Fundy church,
    I’m a slave to it, you see.
    It controls my life each day,
    With our pastor, we must agree.

    Fundy church,
    Fundy church,
    It’ll swallow you up whole.

    Bring your kids, your wife, your tithe,
    And, they will take your soul.

  3. *As sung by my ex-mog*

    “Joy to the world, for I have come”
    “Let this church receive her king”
    “Let every car, not be in my spot”
    “And only my daughter may sing…and only my daughter may sing…for one day, yes one day she’ll soon be queen” Yes it’s short and unimaginative and only applies to me, but it was fun and therapeutic writing it down…

      1. Sadly, when visitors dared come to our church, many would go to park in the spot closest to the door until they saw the “reserved for (honorary) Dr. Pastor” sign…

    3. 12 step fundy: Did we go to the same church? The pastor’s “musically talented” daughter was the center of the world. We used to stay awake during sermons by marking down how many times she was mentioned and how many times Jesus was mentioned. (Jesus did win…by two points.) –The other method we did was to read through the hymnbook adding the words “in the bathroom” to each hymn title…but that’s another story.

      2. The hymnbook game “in the bathroom” has helped me through many a fundy sermon.

        I like especially, “It is well with my soul” and “Heaven came down and glory filled my soul”

        1. Ha! Never heard that game, only the chinese fortune cookie version, but it sounds sure to improve fundy song services.

      3. “The other method we did was to read through the hymnbook adding the words “in the bathroom” to each hymn title”

        OMG! 😆 Nice to know we weren’t the only ones. 😳

    4. My fundie school once had one of those college youth singing groups. They turned “Joy to the World” (the carole not the 3DogNight hit) into a Pre-trib song. All I remember is the first line “Joy to the World, the Lord is Coming”

      3. One of the teachers at my fundy church’s college taught that Joy to the World was not about Christmas, but the second coming.

  4. On the first day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…the need to interpret literally

    On the second day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…too few translations…

    On the third day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…three steps to church discipline…

    On the fourth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…many four verse hymns…

    On the fifth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…FIVE SINGSPIRATION SINGS…

    On the sixth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…six-day Creation…

    On the seventh day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…seven Christians failing…

    On the eighth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…eight maids in dresses…

    On the ninth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…nine teens not dancing…

    On the tenth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…ten Lords condemning…

    On the eleventh day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…eleven Pipers that really knew the word of God but were still wrong because they weren’t completely separated… 😉

    On the twelfth day of Christmas, the fundies gave to me…twelve reasons drumming’s wrong…

    4. 7 is God’s perfect number and you made it imperfect by saying that 7 Christians failed! I must separate from you!! 😆

      Awesome job!!!

  5. You know Roloff and Rice and Hyles and Malone,
    Schaap and Sunday and Ruckman and Jones,
    But do you recall,
    The most famous fundy of all?

      1. I just realized I used up all the good names! Sorry, didn’t think beyond the first verse. Maybe someone else could finish it up?

        1. Sounds like a good prelude to a verse about [Billy] Sunday the Fightin’ Fundy. I suck at lyrics, otherwise I’d finish the song… 😮

      2. Sightler, Roberson, Roberson (both of them), Schaap (although he hasn’t been around very long), Gray of TX (I would mention the other one, but he doesn’t deserve it, attention in whatever form)

        1. Darrell!!! WP isn’t letting me put my Hutson post up where it belongs. I thought it was me, but WP doesn’t like me and now its offended me and I’m not speaking to it and taking my butt cushion to the other side of the church.

        3. Oh, Natalie! If you move your butt cushion from its normal spot, I’ll never know how to find my pew and reserve my place with three Bibles, a purse, a hymnal, and my sweater.

      4. Jesus, the famous fundy
        He really had short hair
        He always went soul-winning
        So why were YOU not there?

    6. Ha I’ll start the next line…..
      Norris the baptist preacher, they say he started Sunday school
      But I’m sure that all of those from hyles would protest this all day Long,

  6. Johnny got run over by a reindeer
    Ignored the altar call on Christmas Eve
    Just like that poor boy in the cantata,
    Hope this teaches others to believe.

  7. You better watch out!
    Better not cry!
    Better not pout!
    I’m telling you why,
    Jesus Christ comin’ to town.

    He’s making a list
    and checking it twice.
    He’s going to find out who’s naughty and nice.
    Jesus Christ Is Comin’ To Town.

    He sees when you’re sleeping.
    He knows when you’re awake.
    He knows if you’ve been bad or good.
    So be good for goodness sake!

    You better watch out!
    Better not cry!
    Better not pout!
    I’m telling you why,
    Jesus Christ is comin’ to town.

    With little tin swords and little toy guns,
    to shot those heathen liberals in their tummy tum tums.
    Jesus Christ Is Comin’ To Town.

    Curly head dolls that are servants for you,
    Flannelgraphs, Beka Books and a KJV too.
    Jesus Christ is comin’ to town.

    The boys and girls in fundie-land
    will have a jubilee.
    They’re going to build a naivety scene,
    all around the Christmas tree.

    You better watch out!
    Better not cry!
    Better not pout!
    I’m telling you why,
    Jesus Christ is comin’ to town.

    1. Methinks Mark is insinuating that Jesus and Santa share some common characteristics. But didn’t we learn from that awesome study Bible that Santa is some kind of gender-neutral Satan figure? ;o)

    2. “They’re going to build a naivety scene,
      all around the Christmas tree.” I don’t know if “naivety” was intended or if you meant nativity, but naivety is certainly apropos.

  9. Oh the sermon today is frightful,
    We sheep, must all get rightful,
    So there’s only one place to be.
    On your knees, on your knees, on your knees!

    Well, He doesn’t show signs of stopping,
    One can see his neck veins popping,
    His wrath we all must appease
    On our knees, on our knees, on our knees!

    Before we get out tonight,
    We must neither fail nor falter,
    Under the burden of guilt’s dim light,
    We must crawl down to the “Altar!”.

    Our souls are slowly dying,
    But the kool-aid we keep buying,
    And to keep, the man-o-god pleased,
    To our knees, to our knees, to our knees!

    [to the tune of “Let it Snow”]

    1. So, when will this be appearing on iTunes? Cuz I totally need it in my iPod … the people on the bus haven’t seen me chuckle at my music in a long time.

  10. Up in the pulpit preacher yells
    When he’s done noone can tell
    Down with the liberals they’re just wrong
    Oh why does pastor
    Preach so long

    Ho, ho, ho!
    Who wouldn’t go!
    Ho, ho, ho!
    Who wouldn’t go!
    Up to the altar
    You must be
    Down thru the aisle
    With your KJV

  11. Silent brain, full of disdain,
    All your sin, you’re, not my kin,
    I’m all pure and separated,
    You’re with the world mated,
    Therefore you will burn,
    Therefore you will burn.

    Silent Brain, full of disdain,
    No SFL!
    They’ll burn in hell,
    They did leave us so sad,
    Making the preacher so mad,
    Now the pulpit is pounded,
    Now the pulpit is pounded.

    Silent Brain, Full of disdain,
    Schaap will tell,
    Who goes to hell!
    The preacher has some special grace,
    We adore his screaming face,
    Jack you are my light!
    Jack you are my light!

    Silent Brain, full of disdain,
    We’re so sad,
    We’ve been had!
    All the preaching was foolishness,
    Now we deal with anger issues,
    Fundyism be damned!
    Fundyism be damned!

    1. Just like the ones I used to know.
      Where preachers’ heads glisten,
      And sheeple listen
      To hear music in the show

      I’m dreaming of a white piano
      With all the ranting that I hear
      May your songs be merry and bright
      And may all your pianos be white

  14. DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR (Incidentally this title inspired the first line)

    Said the voices in his head to the preacher man
    Do you believe what I believe?
    Way out on the fringe preacher man
    Do you believe what I believe?
    A standard, a standard, something new to fight
    Conform or you’re not right
    Conform or you’re not right

    Said the preacher man to the preacher boy
    Do you believe what I believe?
    God just told me this preacher boy
    Do you believe what I believe?
    A standard, a standard, higher than a Pharisee
    There are few so holy as me
    There are few so holy as me

    Said the preacher boy to the congregation suffering
    Do you know as much as I know?
    In your pews and suffering
    Do you know as much as I know?
    Our Pastor, Our Pastor now he’s getting old
    You should give him silver and gold
    You should give him silver and gold

    Said the congregation to the people everywhere
    “Listen to what I say
    What’s the matter don’t you care?
    Listen to what I say
    The Pastor, The Pastor you know he’s always right
    He brings us goodness and light
    He brings us goodness and light

  15. O come all ye faithful
    wide-eyed and trusting
    O come ye, o come ye to Fundy U
    Come sign at the bottom
    you don’t need cash chum
    O Come let us abuse you
    O Come let us trick you
    O Come let us rob you
    Welcome Aboard

  16. Silver plates, Silver plates
    Tithes and Offerings now may be given
    Jing-a-ling, hear change ping
    10% better be in that plate

    Preacher screaming, Deacons peeking.
    To see what falls in the plate
    In the air
    There’s a feeling
    of blackmail
    Children laughing
    People smiling
    Because God loves a Cheerful giver
    Watch the building fund thermometer go up

    Silver plates, Silver plates
    It’s Tithing time of our Service
    10 percent, of gross now give
    Soon it will be Potluck Day

    Strings of pennies
    Even nickles
    Checks a plenty and some green
    As people stop and dig for their money

    Watch the plate fill
    See the plate fill
    This is Pastors big scheme
    And above all this bustle
    You’ll hear

  17. I suck at this, but:

    Good Preacher WhatsHisNuts looked out
    screamin’ ‘fore the potluck feast
    When the snow lay round about
    Repenting is the least
    Louder, Harder, Meaner preach it
    Though they will call cruel
    When the unrepentant caves & bows
    He’s earned his Fundy fuel.

  20. Up on the pulpit the preacher flaps his jaws
    Destroying grace and making up laws
    It’s invitation time you man of sin
    Then 52 verses of a hymn

    Ho! Ho! Ho!
    Will you go?
    Ho! Ho! Ho!
    Please hurry and go.
    He’s shoutin’ from the pulpit
    Come! Come! Come!
    If you don’t get saved he’ll never be done.

    First comes piano lady in her skirt
    Then the music leader in his white shirt
    The preacher steps down on to the floor
    “It’s invitation time. Deacons lock the door.”

    Ho! Ho! Ho!
    Please just go
    Ho! Ho! Ho!
    His anger will grow
    He’s looking right at you
    Come! Come! Come!
    Please get saved it’s already 1.

    Now my roast is burnt, you waited too long.
    Who knew we could sing a 2 hour song?
    You really didn’t get saved when you finally went up
    Because you still have that hippie haircut

    Ho! Ho! Ho!
    Now you know
    Ho! Ho! Ho!
    You have to go
    Even if God’s not dealing with you
    Come! Come! Come!
    Preacher said you have to.

    2. OMW, I’m having to give myself the Heimlich on this one! Fundy hubby is giving me strange looks. :O

  21. All I want for Christmas
    Is a KJV
    A KJV
    Yes a KJV!

    O if I could only
    Have my KJV
    Then I load on you
    Lots of guilt trips!

  22. Last Christmas preacher shouted at me
    To get me to repent and feed his ego
    This year, to save me from tears
    I’ll get on out of this church

  23. Joy to the world
    The preacher is done
    Now we can all go home
    Let everyone
    To their cars run
    The altar call is done
    The altar call is done
    The altar the altar call is done

    Oh no it’s not
    Preacher is not done
    He’s starting a second sermon
    He wants
    More people to get right
    O when will he be done
    O When will he be done
    O when will when will he be done

  24. Sir, I want to buy this suit
    For my preacher please
    It’s Christmas Eve and this suit is just his size
    Please include white shirt and tie
    Preacher says there’s not much time
    You see he’s been pastor quite awhile
    And I know this suit would make him smile
    I want him to look right with God,
    If Jesus should come back tonight.

    2. double the pox

      I hat this song because my allergies make my eyes water every time I hear it. It helps me to change it to “sir I wanna buy this booze”

      1. I heard that song the other day for the first time. It is probably the most enormous mountain of glurge ever assembled in one place.

        1. There are so many out there just like it. C.W. McCall (the guy who did the CB Classic song about Rubber Duck and his Convoy…) yeah he did one called “Roses for Momma” almost identical. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsycUnnjbHs&feature=fvst

          Then there was Red Sovine’s “Teddy Bear” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bi_kRv0dOk&feature=related

          “Honey” by Bobby Goldsboro. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xusAnoFJd7w

          All of which are testimonies to the power of Words.
          We all understand that here at SFL. Word have the power to cut, wound, imprison, and destroy… or the power to heal, uplift, set a mind at ease, and set free ftom prison.
          A song can do the same and we see in scripture the healing properties of music and song especially in David’s testimonies.
          I just want to say to tall the posters of SFL and our host. Thank you all you have all (well, except that one…)been a help and a healing for me this year and I appreciate it.
          Merry Christmas to all.

  25. O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree!
    Thou hast deceived the na-tions!
    Lo, from thy pa-gan, or-i-gins,
    They blindly follow sa-tan.

    with all thy tin-sel, shining bright,
    satan comes as, an angel of light

    i know ’tis true, ’cause unlike you,
    i read chick pub-li-ca-tions.

    1. I hope you & LK are having a great Christmas season and enjoying those Chick tracts around the Ba’al tree!

  26. (TUNE: The First Noel)

    At First Baptist Church
    The pastor did say,
    “If you want to live right
    You must do it my way!

    “I will tell you how to dress,
    What to do, what to think,
    If I found out you’re doubting,
    Man, will I raise a stink!”

    (Chorus ideas, anyone?)

      1. ….thought of that. Couldn’t quite bring myself to do it! Gotta admit, though, that is the message that comes across!

  27. Oh, X-mas Tree,
    Oh, X-mas Tree,
    Your branches burn so brightly!
    Oh, X-mas Tree,
    Oh, X-mas Tree,
    Your branches burn so brightly!
    Your heathen boughs do demons praise,
    So, I’ll set the whole cursed lot ablaze.
    Oh, X-mas Tree,
    Oh, X-mas Tree,
    Your branches burn so brightly!

  28. Hark, the BJ students shout,
    [X] more days till we get out!
    No more grits and no more gravy,
    No more bells to drive us crazy.

    No more vacuuming the floor,
    No more hall leaders at our door.
    Hark, the BJ students shout,
    [X] more days till we get out!

    1. Joy to Bob Jones, we’ve learned to live
      Not how to make a living.
      We’ve come to obey
      The rules which we can’t say
      Will help us later on
      Will help us later on
      Will help, will help us later on.

  30. Per Darrell’s request:

    Phil Kidd the Red-Faced Fundy
    Had a very high forehead
    And if he tells a story
    You know someone winds up dead
    All of the other Fundies
    Used to clap and say “Amen!”
    Preachers who liked the numbers
    Would invite him back again
    Then one day it dawned on me
    When I heard him say
    Foul language in disguise
    Racist terms and outright lies
    Then how I shook my noggin
    At this cartoon villainy
    Phil Kidd the Red-Faced Fundy
    Your screed is pure misery!

    2. Your family has always had talented people in it, Radish.

      I think we’ve finally found yours. 🙂

  31. Oh little church of fundydom
    How will we see the lies
    Beneath thy rules and standards high
    The soul it slowly dies.
    And in thy dark walls reigneth
    The preacher in his might
    The hope and fear of all us here
    Will we be allowed home tonight.

  32. Verse 1:
    Hark the Pastor’s Raging Rant
    He is mad – a girl’s in pants.
    She just came for to see
    If this church for her would be.

    Now she’s crying in the lot
    He just called her a big slut.
    She’s so mad she can’t see straight
    He’s just glad that He’s so great!

    Hark the Pastor’s Raging Rant
    He is mad – a girl’s in pants.

    Verse2:
    Hark the Pastor’s Rea-son-ing
    A Doctorate he just received.
    His best friend began a school
    Accreditation not approved.

    Doctor now he calls himself
    Diploma beaming from his shelf
    Not worth the paper the ink is on,
    No shame for the man of God!

    Hark the Pastor’s Rea-son-ing
    A Doctorate he just received.

    Verse 3:
    Hark the Pastor’s large suit
    Size 52 because of food.
    He can’t stand cigarettes
    But he loves ice cream and chips.

    He can’t help but stuff his face
    Glut-ton-ny is ok.
    Not as bad as power point
    Pass the chips and cake. Say oink!

    Hark the Pastor’s large suit
    Size 52 because of food.

    Verse 4:
    Hark the Pastor’s KJV
    Amazing use of the word ‘Thee’
    It’s right on, there is no doubt.
    Archaic language is God’s route.

    Way better than the NIV
    Can’t understand what I read
    Loyalty to him is the way to go.
    He’s the boss, the Bible says so!

    Hark the Pastor’s KJV
    Amazing use of the word ‘Thee’

    *You have to be syllabically creative at times…
    **Obviously set to “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”

    1. Nice. “she’s so mad she can’t see straight, He’s just glad that He’s so great”

      Were do you get this stuff? Nuggets of gold. 🙂

  33. Ok I tried my hand at this one. Maybe someone with more talent can improve on it:

    I want a Fundamentalist for Christmas
    Only a Fundamentalist will do
    Don’t want a liberal troll, with a D of Divinity
    I want a Fundamentalist, like Acts 4:13b

    I want a Fundamentalist for Christmas
    I don’t think Satan Claus will mind, do you?
    He won’t have to use, a dirty chimney flue
    Just have him knock on the front door
    Like the Fundies always do

    I can see me now on Christmas morning
    Creeping down the stairs
    Oh, a joy and what surprise
    When I open up my eyes
    To see a Fundie hero stand-ing there

    I want a Fundamentalist for Christmas
    Only a Fundamentalist will do
    No charasmatics, no Methodustes
    I only like Baptist Fundamentalustes
    And Landmark Fundamentalustes like me too.

    3. The Methodistuses etc was by far the funniest post of the day, IMO. I knew this song could be done!

  34. Oh, come, all ye fundies,
    Narrow and self-righteous!
    Oh, come ye, oh, come ye to the altar call;
    Come and yell a-men
    As Preacher digresses.
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Christ the Lord.

    We are most holy,
    We read the King James Bible,
    And seize on a passage,
    We don’t understand;
    Heedless of context
    We feed our prejudices!
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Christ the Lord.

    Sing, choirs of Fundies,
    Sing without emotion,
    Sing, all ye detesters of modern music!
    Glory to preachers,
    Glory in the highest:
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Christ the Lord.

    Yea, Lord, we shun thee,
    Every Sunday morning;
    Jesus, you don’t have the right haircut!
    You eat with sinners,
    Drink with scarlet women!
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Oh, come, let us ignore him,
    Christ the Lord.

    Tune: Adeste Fideles

    2. My favorite parts: “Sing without emotion” – great! And the last verse about how Jesus eats with sinners — yup!!!!! You hit the nail on the head.

  35. I may have bitten off more than I can chew with O Holy Night. But here it is the updated fundy version of “O Holy Night” called “Only one right”. Hope you can figure it out the syllable emphasis at the end.

    Only one right
    Our church is so much better
    We read King James and with liberals we fight
    Long are the skirts and without pants we cover
    Our ladies legs and their mouths we shut tight
    We never think just the man of god we follow
    We have more rules just to take the higher road.

    Fall on your knees
    O hear the invitation
    Repent from the movies and beat on your Ra-di-O
    We’re right! Yes we’re Right!
    Thank the Lord
    that we’re this right!

  36. Warning sarcastic rant ahead from a fundy alter-ego.

    I would so like to write a fundy carol but at the moment I cant(facial tics starting) Why you ask? (voice getting louder) because earlier today I heard one of the most vile, evil, demonic songs everpretending to be a christmas song. Its about some vile brat conjuring up demons by banging on a drum before the sweet baby jesus!!!!! They say this song is called the little drummer boy. (gripping the sacred desk shacking with rage) The make is sound so sweet but if you exam the lyrics its EVIL. they even sing the drum beat pa rum pum pum pum, I dont even like repeating the drum beat thats the only time i will mention it. I have no gift to bring thats fit for our king so i play for you shall i play for you. NO NO NO NO NO this little imp this brat wants to bang on a drum and conjour up demons,(sickly sweet soft voice) when he did have a gift to bring he could of given Jesus his heart, he could have surrened his life to him.(back to screaming) But no he bangs on a drum like a little brat. near the end its I played my drum for him, i played my best for him, no get this then it say then he smiled at me. This song that the baby jesus is smiling as demons are being called up around him, folks now isnt that the most evil song you have ever heard, would you smile if you had demons around you? NO you wouldnt. Rant off alter ego back in the closet.

    I actually like this song. The above rant is just a sarcasm, a parody of a conglomeration of a number of fundies.

    1. Now that you mention it, I really can see someone getting their shorts in a knot over the song. *facepalm*

      Wouldn’t it be hilarious if, in eternity, the Fundies who were so anti-drum wind up living next door to all the Christian drummers? 😈

    3. *face palm* The pastor of the SBC church I attended after leaving fundyland ranted about The Little Drummer Boy every Christmas.

    2. Only Westboro Baptist Church and the Phelps clan could figure out that Santa Claus somehow promotes homosexuality. 🙄

  38. No rest, we’re Fundamentalists
    forever in dismay;
    we know that our law-giver
    has left us here to pray;
    we’re on our own from hour to hour;
    stay on the narrow way!
    O struggles of torment and doubt,
    torment and doubt,
    O struggles of torment and doubt.

  39. It’s beginning to seem a lot more cult-like
    Every time I go.
    Take a look at the man-o-gawd
    As to our pews we plod,
    He’s checking to make sure our skirts are long.

    It’s beginning to seem a lot more cult-like
    Church is not the same.
    Those folks in the pews around
    They are all wearing frowns
    They’re judging you for the necklace on your son…

    1. Sad but true. And good tie-in to previous SFL discussions with the necklace-wearing son mention!

  40. (Jingle Bells verse)

    Dashing to the church
    On time we’d better be
    ‘Cause you know if we’re late
    Embarrassed we will be.

    The preacher’ll call us out
    ‘Tho no names will be given
    Everyone knows it’s us
    Tardiness can’t be forgiven.

    Oh!

    Rush to church
    Race to church
    Pretend we’re filled with glee
    Let’s hear another sermon on
    Pastor’s perfect family.

  41. Said the paranoia to the Mannagod
    Do you see what I see?
    In your congregation Mannagod
    Do you see what I see?
    A man, a man
    Thinking for himself
    A threat to your glory and wealth
    A threat to your glory and wealth

    Said the Mannagod to the deacon board
    Do you hear what I hear?
    Spreading through the church deacon board
    Do you hear what I hear?
    The grace of God
    spoken by this guy
    It’s a license to sin says I
    It’s a license to sin says I

    Said the deacons to their gossip loving wives
    Do you know what I know?
    Within our holy church loving wives
    Do you know what I know?
    A heretic
    Preachin’ grace not deeds
    Let us mark and avoid his family
    Let us mark and avoid his family

    Said the legalists to the child of God
    Listen to what we say
    Your not welcome here anymore
    Listen to what we say
    Go away
    With your apostasy
    The Mannagod is our authority
    The Mannagod is our authority

    The Mannagod
    Smiles in the night
    He’s maintained his status and might
    He’s maintained his status and might

      1. Thanks. Were the songs supposed to be happy? If so, I am sorry. The above “song” is based on a true story that happened to my daughter’s brother’s dad.

        1. Oh, no! I think we readers appreciate all the nuances: silliness, sadness, anger. Yours just really hit home for me. I liked some of the turns of phrases you used: rhyming “apostasy” and “authority” was good. And the end — “He maintained his power and might” — very effective!

        2. No, some of the best songs submitted today are not funny at all. We joke around a lot here, but that is just a way of coping with the very unfunny stuff that happened to us in IFB churches. Crying out in pain, sadness, and indignation is just as valid a coping strategy.

        4. daughter’s brother’s dad?

          Please don’t make me think. . .I never learned how to do that in IFB church.

      2. Oh my goodness! Those verses strike a chord. I know too well about being avoided for the sake of independent thought.

  42. Frosty, the snowman
    Was a lost and wayward soul
    With a corncob pipe, and a sinful heart,
    He would burn in hell like coal!

    Frosty, the snowman
    Was a fairy tale they say
    He read Harry Potter
    Till the children brought ‘er
    To receive new life one day!

    There must have been some fear o’ gid
    In that old preacher boy they found
    For when he preached, old Frosty learned,
    ‘Tis a sin to dance around!

    Frosty, the snowman
    Was alive as he could be
    Till he found the Son
    And stopped having fun
    Now he’s good and reads KJV!

  43. In all seriousness now, I think I need an intervention from SFL intervention squad. Someone please tell me leaving fundyland was worth it and that someday, somehow, things will all get better and I’ll actually be glad I’m out. 🙁 Right now, for the first time since leaving, I’m very, VERY tempted to go back.

    2. What’s tempting you to go back? Is it the loss of friendships? My husband keeps reminding me that those who now hate us were never truly our friends. If you can find a group of like-minded Christians, it can really encourage you. We have a small group that encourages each other to continue living for God no matter what it has cost us. We are determined by HIS grace to affect our community for Christ, to stop hiding behind the walls of our church and start SHOWING the love of Jesus in our community. I am so excited to actually be used by God instad of just going through the motions of going to church and “looking good.” In the IFB, I was busy at church – piano, choir, children’s church, Sunday school, women’s meetings, etc. – but I had NO UNSAVED FRIENDS! I think I was hiding my light under a bushel! Now, I’m trying to live life! (Listen to Matthew West’s song “Motions.”)

      Another song I LOVE is “Beauty Will Rise” by Steven Curtis Chapman. It was written after the death of his daughter, but I applied it to our situation of losing friends/finances/reputation as we stepped outside the box of the IFB. It says, “Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes.” God WILL bring joy!

      Also “Salvation is calling” by Third Day. “Lift up your face! Salvation is calling . . . just over the horizon!”

      Actually all these awesome songs – and more – are a major reminder of why I DON’T want to be part of a church that preaches that those songs are sinful. They’re NOT. They’re Scriptural and passionate and focused on living for Christ. I don’t want to go back to the chains and the man-made restrictions. I don’t want to sit under preaching that says that CCM is shallow and meaningless and worldly because that’s just not true. And I can’t sit under a pastor that won’t preach the truth.

      To some here, I might still seem very fundamental. I still hold to the “fundamentals” – Jesus is God, He’s the only way to heaven, the Bible is God’s inspired Word! (I’m still a young-earth Creationist!) But I want to live by the BIBLE, not the Bible plus man-made rules.

      Sorry to write so much! But you can be a sold-out, serious Christian whose heart desire is to live for Christ WITHOUT being in the IFB, even if they say you can’t.

      I don’t know if anything I said helps. Actually I spent most of today bawling my eyes out so I’m still having to trust that it will get better some day too!

        1. More songs that challenged me to step outside my comfortable churchy world: Leeland’s “Follow You” and Casting Crowns’ “Stained Glass Masquerade.” Also Todd Agnew’s “My Jesus” is incredible. The beginning of the song brought back a total guilt trip: “Which Jesus do you follow? Which Jesus do you serve? If Ephesians says to imitate Christ, then why do you look so much like the world?” I’ve heard that question preached countless times: stop looking like the world by wearing worldly clothes, listening to worldly music, going to worldly entertainments (like movies), but that’s not what Todd Agnew says is being like the world. It’s really an amazing song, even though that first stanza sets off triggers for me. The rest of that song breaks many fundy assumptions. I want to follow the real Jesus and be like Him!

    3. Dear Amanda,
      I haven’t been on here much lately, but I’ve often noticed that you write exactly what I would have said. It seems that we’ve had many similar experiences.
      I’ve been out for 9 years now–thank God! Every once in a while, my sister and I will be talking, and something about how life used to be will come up. I honestly have trouble believing sometimes that people still live like that. So, all that to say: it will get better, and it is ABSOLUTELY worth it!

    4. The loss of friendships is definitely part of it, especially as my experiences in churches since leaving fundamentalism have made me even more leery of getting involved in – or even attending – church (that’s a whole other story).

      Mostly, though, it’s my less of purpose and direction, and the fact that I have nearly *mumble mumble* years of education and life down the drain. Honestly the only way I *could* get any kind of job and regain some sort of purpose and direction in life would be to go back. Frankly, life outside fundamentalism hasn’t been any better than life inside. At least inside I had friends, purpose, and direction in life. I may have been a misfit inside fundyland, but I’m one outside, too. I’ve *never* been one to go for safe or easy (ask anyone who knows me!).

      Sorry. I know that probably doesn’t make sense. I’m very frustrated and angry at both God and myself right now and not a whole lot is making sense, even to me! 🙁

      1. Amanda,
        I just read your second reply there and you may think this a strange answer but I say, “GOOD!”

        I know that probably doesn’t make sense. I’m very frustrated and angry at both God and myself right now and not a whole lot is making sense, even to me!

        That shows you are thinking and feeling outside the fundy box. I can guess that you are feeling guilty for those feelings as well. Good! Hang on to that for a little bit. Examine it, turn it over ask “Why” to the third and fourth level. Why do I feel frustrated? Answer and repeat until the third answer at least.

        You are having to think and do things right now that you have not had to do in fundyland… and it is confusing, and frustrating and it just wears you out… and then you get angry, angry at God, angry at the M-O-g’s that have filled your head with all the extra-biblical legalism and non-sense all these years, you get angry at the system that hooked you on the kool-aid in the first place… and lastly you will get angry at yourself for buying into all that crap; hook, line, and sinker.

        Guess what… that’s ok. In fact that’s normal. Only in the fundyverse does one have to be perfect. I can empathize with you on the wasted education… at least to some degree, I squirreled my children away in IFB Christian schiool for 10 years…I almost was too late and to some degree I was way too late in getting them out. But now they are out and have thanked me for getting them out so they could have a normal educational life. I think one is planning on attending my Alma mater and the other attending another school in state. (I have twins)

        I say embrace all the negative until you can take it and sort it out one piece at a time. You will find that there is much good even in all the bad that you are experiencing right now. And rememger this: “God is Good.” And because He is good then we as His Children can know that all our Father allows us to go through is ultimately for our good as well. (I did not say everything is good , but is for our good.) We may have to face some awful things but our Father is watching over us and we are in His tender loving care.

        And know this we are here for you. Even if you ultimately decide to go back we are always here for you. We understand, and we love you and are praying for you. We’re still gonna be your friends even if you go back…(but it will take a monumental effort on your part to over look all that you know to be false and contrived if you do. (I believe Darrell did a post on cognitive dissonance a while back and you will wrestle with that to some degree whether you go back or stay free.) The Journey to freedom is sweeter and we are here to journey with you.
        It does get better sis, I does get better.
        Your Friend,
        Don

    5. Amanda, for a LONG time after I left fundyland, I felt the only way for me to “do church” and be right was to get back into my old fundy routine. And, I did for a while, but I knew it wasn’t right. I knew I was just playing a part in a really bad play.

      Not to sound like a repeating record, but I was born into it, and so its the only way I’ve known church. I STILL to this day get taken back by things that are different, but I have to consciously remind myself that I’m being judgmental.

      There ARE churches that are IFB that remain neutral of the crazy camps out there. My parents go to one like that, and the people are real and so is the pastor. There’s no craziness. Maybe you can find a church like that.

      1. Please forgive me if the above post sounded too much about me and written too hastily. I wrote it quickly as I was eating cereal :smile:. Don said everything I wanted to.

        Angry is good, it makes you think. And discussing it is even better. I’m here to read, so you type away and talk about it.

        And, keep in mind that if they were your real friends, you’d still have them, and they would love you regardless of where you are in life. And, I mean, REAL love and acceptance, not that fundy stuff.

        Friends outside of fundyland are different. I want to look at my real friends and say, “Why are you like that? Why do you accept me no matter what I do? Why don’t you judge me for ‘love’s’ sake?” 😉

        1. Your real friends don’t judge you for love’s sake because that isn’t love; that’s just an attempt to control you. I’m embarrassed to say how long it took me to learn that, and how much longer than that it took me to walk away from judgmental relationships.

    6. Whether or not it was worth it depends on what motivates your leaving fundyland. If you are leaving to pursue the kingdom of God, then you are admonished by scripture, that “no man leaving the plow… is fit for the kingdom of God.” In short, the journey is not for the half-hearted. If what you want is to enjoy the company of the halfhearted, who love you based on conditional love, then you have the freedom to go back. The question is then: Are you content with having fellowship with Christ, even if it means being alone? When we say we are tempted to go back, some times it reveals that we need their approval to be validated in the sight of God. Do you need their validation to know that what you are doing is right? Can you stand alone with Christ when no on e believes what you are doing is right?

        1. These replies were so good for me to read, too . . . esp. Don and the questioning to the third and fourth levels. Don, Dave, Natalie, PW, thank you; as you reached out to Amanda you helped me, too.

      2. @Dave, do you mind if I copy that to share with a couple friends? Those are powerful words and I needed to read them.

    7. Thanks, all of you. That’s what I needed to hear. (((You))) (side hugs only for Don and Dave, of course 😉 )

      1. Side hugs, I love it.

        Go ahead and give them a full body hug, boobs included. Preacher boys would lose their mind, but Don and Dave can handle it without having mental adultery. 🙂

        1. After I have heard from my wife, how she feels when a man gives her an unsolicited hug, I try not to hug women. For one, my wife never knows why someone is hugging her, especially since she is not flat chested. Of course, there’s nothing in the Bible about hugging women, but I do not want any sister feeling ill toward me or that I have violated a trust. My question is: why do I need to hug another man’s wife? Or a single women- how do I know she’s not steeped in dreamy romance novels? I think it best to stay with the side hugs as much as possible. 🙂

        2. O-k, let your conscience be your guide.
          I knew of a pastor that preached total abstinence from hugging from the pulpit. He was a very jealous man. All he allowed was hand shakes between the sexes. He is now divorced because of his manipulation and control.
          Hugging is not always sexual, and unsolicited hugs can be awkward, but hugs and touch in general when applied without a sexual content can be the most healing and affirming things humans can do for one another. The more it is done in this manner the less sexual it becomes.
          Conversely, the more isolated we become the more we need to be hugged and healed through another’s touch and love.
          But, like I said let your conscience be your guide. If you are comfortable with giving/receiving a hug you can make the invitation, if the other person is comfortable then they may accept or just offer a handshake. I agree with not giving unsolicited hugs… some folks are just not comfortable and are not huggers.
          (I look like Santa so if you don’t mind giving the jolly old elf a hug… I don’t mind getting them. 😯 😎 )

  44. I understand in any situation a temptation to second guess yourself. Just curious to hear some of your reasons for wanting to go back?

    Every situation is different. For me, being manipulated, made to feel guilty about myself and attempting to do enough good so God will be happy with me seems unapealing now.

    By the way you have some great comments on here.

    2. Amen Corner,
      I believe we fail to hear His voice and be led by His Spirit. That’s why we need their validation to feel like we’re in the will of God. We feel the need to hear them echo that we’re doing right. This is not holy boldness; it’s full of fleshly insecurity. Keep the faith!

  45. remembering the old PCC song:

    Away in an Airplane, goodbye PCC
    Goodbye to my roommates and bye Faculty.

    There’ll be no more room jobs and no more DC
    I’ll even eat breakfast without my ID.

  46. Last one from me:

    Slave bells ring, are you listening,
    In the pews, no-one’s missin’
    A beautiful sight,
    The church is filled tonight.
    We call this Revival in Fundyland.

    ”Evangelist” he says is his name
    M-O-g’s ego boost that is his game
    He screams a love song,
    And we go along,
    Walking the Revival aisle in Fundyland.

    In the prayer room’s where he builds his straw-man,
    Then pretends that he loves Brother Brown
    He’ll say: you’ve have heard about his falling
    We’ll say: No man,
    Well, then you can pray, while I run him down.

    Later on, we’ll conspire,
    As we’re consumed by strange fire
    To face unafraid,
    Visitation plans that we’ve made,
    During Revival week in Fundyland

    Then we see the fallacy of his straw-man,
    And realize that he’s a circus clown
    We’ll have lots of fun with mister straw-man,
    And teach others how to tear him down.

    When he goes, ain’t it thrillin’,
    that your bones are no longer willin’
    To live day to day, the IFB way,
    Recovering from Revival and Fundyland.

  47. (Song to the melody of Away in the Manger)

    Away from fundyland
    My dear God has led
    To find a new church
    Where I will be fed

    The culture shock hard
    But using my head
    Now coming to church
    I no longer dread

    Tho flash-backs abound
    and fears slow to shed
    Good doctrine is taught
    And His grace is spread

  48. This is OT, but I wonder if anyone else can relate to having OCD and fundyland making it worse. Or perhaps anxiety.

    I’m mildly OCD now (to the point that you wouldn’t notice unless you spent every waking moment with me), but OCD never truly goes away, it just mellows out. But, when I was in fundyland, it really made it come out and made it worse. It was crazy. All the rules and doing things right would trigger the OCD badly.

    This is one of the reasons I left fundyland. Since I’ve been out, its easily manageable to the point that its not noticeable and I can cognitively dismiss any urges.

    Has anyone else experienced this or similar?

    1. Yes Natalie, I have OCD. I come from a dysfunctional family on top of having a fundie background (although no where need the crazy fundieness that others have come from.) My therapist thinks that these two factors contributed to my predisposition to OCD/anxiety.

      I was just diagnosed back in the spring but looking back over my life (especially my teenage years) OCD played a major role. Holidays, vacations, every single day was a nightmare because I was constantly evaluating my every action and sins. And I always believed that I was going to hell. It got worse when I started to date my SO/Fiancee. Though he is a Christian, he is a more “normal” Christian (i.e. not a fundie/Obsessive) but I considered that a major flaw because if you aren’t being obsessive about your perfection/Christianity then obviously you aren’t a true Christian. It got so bad that I had a panic attack on May 3rd and took too much of my anti-anxiety medication. I knew something was not right because I was utterly miserable. My fundie self was telling me that my fear/guilt was an indication that I was not in God’s Will. But God’s voice was still audible and something was wrong. So that’s when I got help.

      I can’t say that it has disappeared but it has mellowed a little bit and getting help from an Obsessive-Compulsive therapist really does work.

      Do you suffer from scrupulosity aka religious OCD?

      1. Well, as far back as childhood, I’ve had it. I repeated things as a child, but I’ve heard IFB preaching all of my life.

        I’ve only gotten true relief from it when I left fundyland. I’m still in the process of retraining my brain that obsession doesn’t equal holiness.

  49. There was a post a bit ago and in the comment section, someone mentioned OCD being exacerbated by the IFB. Several people agreed. I don’t remember where it was, but hopefully they’ll recomment here!

    2. yup, I am pretty close to a situation exactly like that. A recent “flare up” was kicked off because of a visit by a certain traveling preacher who is about the worst thing for someone who still wonders if he followed the proper process for conversion. Maybe he should do it again just in case… (where is the headshaking smilie – the sad one doesn’t quite do it)

      Makes me sad if I am in a merciful mood. Spitting and Fuming otherwise.

      I don’t say anything because I think it could make it worse, but I do believe that the symptoms would be better if this person would get into a situation that has a more complete understanding of Grace.

      1. Well, after leaving the fundy world, at first, I just didn’t care. I was so tired of all the obsession and anxiety, so I just threw my hands up and said that it was making me crazy and I was done. I knew I was a Christian, but was tired of trying to be holy.

        It was from that moment that God taught me, “Exactly! Now, let’s learn about grace.”

  50. Preachers we have heard on high
    Loudly yelling o’er the pews,
    And the people in their seats
    Never hear God’s great good news.

    CHORUS:
    Bo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oring! His excessive ranting!
    Bo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oring! His excessive ranting!

    He is mad at CCM;
    Drummers are Satan-ic.
    And if someone raised their hands,
    He would have to pa-nic.

    CHORUS

    Now he’s chewing out tattoos,
    Christmas trees and Pot-ter;
    If you like any of these,
    You’ll go somewhere hotter.

    CHORUS

    To his angry diatribe,
    People pay attention;
    They don’t see that love and grace
    Never had a mention.

    CHORUS

    Christians, why this lethargy?
    Wake up from your sleeping.
    Live the way God says you should –
    Showing love unceasing.

    CHORUS

Comments are closed.