271 thoughts on “Fundy Christmas Day 3: Christmas By the Book”

    1. Maybe Santa is a lesbian, and the North Pole has been indoctrinating the children with gay marriage supporting gifts for millenia!

    2. I bet Santa has a big following in the gay chubby chaser world. Plus, he also qualifies as a silver daddy. When you add that to the fact he runs his own successful business, I’d say you have a gay trifecta.

    4. But beware, the original spelling may have been Santa Claws. This could mean that evil, clawed animals evolved into humans with claws. These humans went on to invent the wheel, discovered fire, and created nail clippers to deal with the said claws. Worst yet, Santa may have visited the South Pole and met his future wife, a distant cousin, Ms. Claws, whose family never passed through Ellis Island and therefore retained her name. Being a feminist, Ms. Claws wanted to be known as Ms. Claws-Claus. But in the interest of children all over the world, she reluctantly agreed to be known simply as “Mrs. Claus”. Mrs. Claus reportedly had trouble with her move to the North Pole, as her loyalties lay with the South. (I can write this because I am a southerner and am allowed to make jokes within the family.)

      Pardon my silliness — I’m stuck at home sick today. :mrgreen:

    5. chadwick: “Santa is Γ’β‚¬ΛœstraightÒ€ℒ! He is married to Mrs. Claus!!”

      Little did you know that Mrs Claus is just another fat guy in drag….

        1. Oh, you would not believe what they get up to, out there in the North Pole—those two and all those little male elves. Outrageous! Last I heard, a couple of Fundamentalist churches wanted to rent it out as a men’s retreat….

  6. Are Reference Bibles Sinful?

    Revelation 22:18-19

    18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

    19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

  7. What? No St. Nicolas the pagan from the whore of Babylon sent to deceive it with evil good works that bring happiness and joy?

  8. Darrell, why did you have to post that? All of us are dumber for having read it.

    The word “Santa Claus” is an American creation, developed by English-speaking children in colonial days who heard their Dutch neighbor children speaking of “Sinter Klaas,” which is the Dutch equivalent of Saint Nicholas. I’m certainly not a trained linguist, but I and anyone else who cares to examine linguistics for a few minutes will know that American English is a bastard language with no rules other than the conventions of the time. To apply word gender rules in a language that has none is ridiculous.

    But none of that makes any difference if you want to make Santa Claus a Satanic freak, does it? Any straw that can be grasped is great, and if you can grasp enough straws to make a man, so much the better.

    1. I can’t speak for Darrell, but I have a hunch he posted it because it’s hilariously insane.

    2. The sad thing isn’t that we’re reading it and laughing; the sad thing is that there are people reading it and believing it.

      1. That’s what made my head explode, that someone believed it enough to print it and people are reading it and believeing it because it’s printed in a Bible.

    4. Simmer down, everyone. πŸ™‚

      Darren has been commenting here for a while. I don’t think he was being serious in his question. I took it as being an “aw, man that’s terrible!”

      1. @Darren, I wasn’t thinking you were telling us not to laugh! But I just cannot believe that this is printed in a “real” Bible, “all official-like”, and that there are people reading this as truth. It’s totally ridiculous. Reference Bibles are supposed to be scholarly and aid people in understanding the Scriptures, not make up totally bogus, unhistoric claims. It’s one thing to hear a pastor say it or see it typed on the internet, but to see it typeset in a book looking all normal – aaargh!!!!

        1. Apology accepted.

          This may be the most insane thing ever posted on SFL. It is one thing to believe something that stupid. It is another thing to put it in a study Bible.

          If Hoffman would put that in a study Bible, I bet just about every page has something ridiculous on it. Darrell could do nothing but post excerpts from that Bible for a year or more.

          And here I was hoping that my analogy of grasping at straws- building a straw man would get some comments. I guess you never can tell which direction a thread is going to go here.

        3. There are over 1500 pages in the Bible. Roughly 90% of them have some kind of commentary at the bottom. So… probably 4 or 5 years worth of material πŸ˜›

        4. I’m pretty sure, maybe, that after the Christmas themed posts, Darrell is going to post the one I sent him earlier this week. I don’t remember the Bible verse it was associated with, but you will not believe what he has written. It far exceeds the insanity that the above page contains (also, it even exceeds the craziness of his sample pages on his website).

    5. FWIW American English (in ALL its varieties – yes, even Appalachian English and ebonics!) *does* have rules. All languages and dialects do, regardless of whether that language has a writing system. If anything, the phonological process that resulted in the Americanized form “Santa Claus” is evidence of that. Huh. Looks like that linguistics degree has been good for something after all…

      1. You’re right – even non-written languages have rules!

        Darren’s ultimate point is still correct that it’s ridiculous to apply rules about gender endings to American English in order to prove that Santa Claus is unisex and evil – “Santa” ending in an A has nothing to do with the feminine ending seen in Spanish and other languages. The man behind this “Bible” proves that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

        1. Oh I totally agree. Modern English doesn’t have gender endings and itÒ€ℒs ridiculous to try to apply the rules the way this “Bible” does.

        1. Nothing’s wrong with Appalachian English. All she said was that it has rules. Every language and dialect does.

  9. The best part is the scripture references:
    Song 2:8-9 No mention of reindeer, or flying.
    Rev 16:13 No mention of anything resembling elves.
    Jer 10:12, Dan 11:37 Nothing about “an unisex freak of Satan,” nor about anything unisex, nor Satan, nor Santa Claus.

    Apparently this method of proof-texting is to just spout names of Bible books and verse numbers, and hope nobody will look them up.

    1. When I read that “Song2:8-9” my first thought was that he was referencing the song “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” πŸ˜€

      2. “When I read that Ò€œSong2:8-9Ò€³ my first thought was that he was referencing the song Ò€œRudolph the Red Nosed ReindeerÒ€ ”

        Comment of the day!

    2. Yes, it is a common Fundy strategy to post many Biblical references in order to disarm the reader. Most people don’t care to look them up.

    3. Funny. That’s what I say about those Christmas songs about people dying and people in Africa and war. I call them Christmas songs that make you want to shoot yourself in the head.

      1. Don’t know if you have heard the Christmas shoes song about the little boy whose mom is dying, he doesn’t have enough money to buy her shoes and the guy in line pays. Its really a heart touching song until you have heard it for the 193rd time. Help! pass along the gun.

        1. So true! The first time I heard it, it made me cry. But after hearing it several times, I soon grew tired of it. (And BTW who lets little kids out shopping alone? Is this a song about the 1940s?)

        3. I nearly ate my gun about November 1st when the wife’s alarm clock radio turned on and instead of the normal “today’s best mix” station they had transformed into the “new home for the holidays”

          It is more rude and insensitive to wake me up with “I want a Hippo for Christmas” than just blaring an electronic buzzer.

          Unfortunately its the only station it can pick up! 😑

        4. @captain, I wanna rework that song into “I want a fundamentalist for Christmas”, but I can’t get further than “only a fundamentalist will do”, but it seems like could be a good parody!

        5. I made it all the way to Dec. 16th this year without hearing that song once. Today, it came on the radio before I could reach to turn it off and I lost my blessing.

        6. Ò€œI want a Hippo for ChristmasÒ€ is my favorite Christmas song. I play it on my white piano every day.

        7. Captain, that’s hilarious!

          At work, we’re keeping it on our usual Pink Floyd/Led Zeppelin type station.

          I can take Christmas music like alcohol. A little bit is nice. Too much will make you throw up.

  12. This is almost as insane as the Charismatic groups who see demons and angels fighting “spiritual warfare” when a baby cries in church. Oh, I forgot… that’s in a Jack Chick comic, isn’t it?

    1. People are so horrified when anyone disturbs a service (baby crying, someone getting up to go to the restroom, cell phone ringing) because they’ve set up such a formal atmosphere. They dress to the nines; they are formal and dignified; everything is hushed and reverent. Then, “waaaahhh!!!” and they’re scared the Spirit of God won’t be able to work because people aren’t focused 100% on the preacher. If your church atmosphere is a little more casual and the approach is more “laid-back”, no one has to get bent out of shape because a baby cries. It’s life. People are going to sneeze; people are going to drop their hymnals; distractions happen.

      Now I actually DO like a hushed, formal atmosphere with grand hymns, but I don’t think it’s necessary to worship God like that, and if your devotion to creating that “feeling” in church causes you to respond with annoyance when someone innocently disrupts your perfect program, I’d say your preference has to be reevaluated.

      2. @Pastor’s wife:
        You are so right. What about the man who fell out of the back window while Paul was preaching? Boy! Did he interrupt the service. Then, Paul had to do a miracle and show forth the power of God (what an interruption.) The healing of that man interrupted the liturgy. Where’s the regulative principle in that? lol.

      3. Can you imagine how somber the night at the stable was where Jesus was born? Mary and Joseph admiring the baby. People bringing gifts, speaking in hushed tones whispering congratulations, everything so beautiful.

        And, then that baby started crying.

        πŸ˜‰

        2. But remember, “the little Lord Jesus no crying he makes”? And from that one hymn, we get a whole “Babywise” philosophy on how babies cry because they’re sinful. (FTR, I definitely believe Jesus cried as a baby–it’s not sin, it’s baby communication).

      4. There are some fundies who believe babies and children should attend the church services. They believe that even babies should hear the word of god and somehow babies can absorb what they hear.
        Since Sunday school and nursery services are never mentioned in the bible, some people believe these services are not biblical.
        My old church did find a compromise; they installed a speaker system in the nursery, so the babies could hear the sermons. Still some people werenÒ€ℒt happy with this compromise and left.
        My old church attached a lot of crazies. We once had a woman breast feed her child during a sermon.

        3. Wouldn’t it be hard to breastfeed and still keep everything from 3 fingers from the top of the collarbone to 2 inches above the knee covered?

        4. Faron: That’s what baby blankets are for.

          My cousin nursed her sons in public and was never immodest.

          If anyone had given her a hassle, I’d have known right away that the person (a) really didn’t give a rat’s butt about kids and (b) was a complete pervert.

        5. I hope you know I was being sarcastic. My sisters use the baby blanket. I don’t have a problem with that. I just did’t want the preacher to get upset. He might not like it if some other boob was getting more attention than him.

        6. Faron: BWAHAHAHA! You’re right on that one.

          “He might not like it if some other boob was getting more attention than him.”

          … and, at least for the baby, the other boob is actually doing something good and useful… :mrgreen:

  13. I am so confused.
    The universal God of pagans is santa claus?
    Rudolph’s red nose lights up because he’s drunk?
    The little green elves are wandering spirits?
    Santa is a unisex freak?
    Wow…finally the rest of the story is told. This is a whole exciting new type of koolaid.
    Does the guy who writes the notes..does he write for Tim Burton?

    2. Is THAT where they get Rudolph was drunk? I was wondering where on earth (or not earth) that came from.

      1. “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call hiim names; they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” Looks like fundies are right up there with the mean reindeer in excluding and bullying someone who’s different. Instead of showing compassion, they not only shun him, they also attribute his physical condition to a sin problem: drunkenness.

      2. There is no off position on either the Genius or the Crazy switches, sometimes they are they same switch. Some fundies have an on & a more on position on their crazy switch.

      3. You mean Rudolph was d-d-drunk? Th-that’s why Santa didn’t make it to our house in 1995?? THE HORROR! 😯

        3. My grandfather used to leave a shot of bourbon for Santa while us kids left milk and cookies. He said it would warm him up while he was flying. I don’t know if Santa is real or not, but the bourbon was always gone in the morning! πŸ™‚

    3. I always thought the red nose was the result of cocaine abuse. How else is he supposed to pull a morbidly obese hermaphrodite and his/her sleigh of perdition through the air?

    4. nah, just Hollywood in general. Can you imagine an “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” type of picture with all those things in the script?

  14. I love this time of year. Yes, all the regular festivities are great but seeing the faces of the people in my church when I tell them Santa and I are tight is priceless lol

  15. And people thought the Church Lady was crazy! She spoke the truth. Gotta go – naughty parts are engorged and tingling.

    1. The hilarious part about that is that Dana Carvey said that he created the church lady from his own experiences growing up in church. He said that every church had those church ladies who always looked for people who needed preaching to.

    2. It would be one thing if SFL was a website that published parody…

      What amazes my friends when I first point them here is that no parody of Fundieland can outdo the reality.

  16. I’m gonna have to call bullcrap here. There is no way this is real. This has to be photoshop, or maybe printed as a joke.

    1. Oh. My. I just clicked through the link.
      Look, I came from fundyland, went to fundy u… but i never experienced anything like this. My pastor growing up never screamed about rock, about santa, etc. Even at fundy u, kids who thought like this were isolated, and I always thought they were a little off. I don’t know what to think about this stuff. And how do you explain to these people that they are in factual error? I mean, some of this stuff is just plain incorrect. Man, I think the best thing to do is just ignore them, and let these people burn themselves out.

      1. I’m glad you were spared. I’ve seen and heard it, especially at fundy u. My FU is now more liberal but when I was there, it was a lot of preacher boys who spouted this junk all over the place.

    2. It is absolutely real. I own this Bible. I still use this Bible. I sometimes giggle during church if I find something really amusing.

      See the center column? Sometimes he puts whole sentences in Italics – they are meant to be common phrases that originated in the Bible

      As you can see above, the phrase “Shake Hands” is blasphemous because God said it first.

      1. “I sometimes giggle during church if I find something really amusing. ”

        I want this Bible….

    1. The one on “How to use your Common Man’s Study Bible” is amazing….he totally denigrates any intelligent study of the bible and makes fun of actually looking at the Greek.

  18. Okay, just because I’m like this. I looked up the passages. I even looked them up in KJV.

    First Sol: “The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes,leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice.”

    THAT’S A BRIDE TALKING ABOUT HER HUSBAND!!!

    Okay, next:

    Rev – “And I saw, coming out of the mouth of the dragon and out of the mouth of the beast and out of the mouth of the false prophet, three unclean spirits like frogs.”

    I’m just GUESSING that they’re thinking the “spirits like frogs” are in reference to the elves.

    And, to that, I say, “Yeah, okay. Lay off the hash.”

    1. The spirits are like frogs.
      Frogs are green.
      Elves wear green.
      Elves are spirits.

      You just have to connect the dots!

      5. Thanks for connecting the dots, because I was totally lost trying to figure out what any of the references had to do with the commentary. I’m sure the rest of them are related in the same convoluted way.

        One expects this sort of thinking from someone living in a cardboard box under a bridge or a caller to the Art Bell show.

    2. Well, don’t reindeer leap over mountains and bound over hills?

      Not sure why that’s a bad thing, but still. At least the passage has SOME connection to the topic.

      1. Yep, context isn’t important at all, so let’s just forget the REST of the chapter, choose that one passage and make it fit our idiotic beliefs.

        Fundie 101

        πŸ˜‰

      2. If you’re going to say a reindeer and a gazelle are the same thing, I may have to get all pedantic on you again. 😈

      3. As my daughter pointed out when she looked this particular verse up, a little ways down the chapter, the writer talks about spring… not winter.

        Cherry-picked definitions, and proof-texting. None of which make a lick of sense. πŸ™„

  19. Of course the really funny thing is that SC’s apparel is red and white…. because of Coca-Cola! They changed his clothes to for their advertising campaigns – I think it was in the 30’s. Prior to that he wore greens and browns, mostly.

    So where is the commentary or sermon banning Coke?

    Then, Rudolph is an invention of Macy’s, also for advertising purposes. So fundies shouldn’t shop there eiher.

    1. The Santa we went to see with my daughter this year wore red, white, and blue. Kind of like this:

      (he’s a Santa at a Civil War museum and he wears a period costume)

        2. The funny thing is that I come from a house divided. My Mom is from PA and my Dad is from NC. They met at Piedmont Baptist College (back when it was fundie) when my Mom was a missionary major. My Uncle was a friend of Mom’s at college and set them up. Mom met him in front of Deed’s Hall and knew she was going to marry him when she met him. Married in 1967. Still married.

        1. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while he’s wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, his students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks he is a failure because he goes home to Mrs Claus at night? Forget about it!

    2. I’ve seen the clothes fundies wear. I don’t think they’ve been shopping at Macy’s whether they consciously avoid it for separation or otherwise.

      1. Who can afford it at the rates churches pay their staff?

        The funny thing is that they always thought we were rich because my Mom has a knack for hitting the clearance racks at the mall at just the right time. She can get a $200 suit for $20 and has so before. She’d get my Dad’s suits the same way.

        So, they were always all up our butts, because they thought we had money. Wrong. πŸ˜‰

  20. Wow. Just, wow. I’ve taken my kid to see Santa twice so far this month. Going again tomorrow. My son’s scared to death of the bearded guy–maybe he sees something I don’t–sees right through his jolly-faced disguse and knows it’s really Satan. Hmmm. πŸ™„

    1. What are you punishing your son for, where you keep taking him to see Santa, even though he’s scared to death of him?

    1. I won’t give it away, so others can have the fun of looking it up for themselves, but . . . really? Who buys this Bible? It costs $72 bucks too.

      1. Ruckmanites <3 this Bible along with Ruckman's Study. Ruckman used to teach about UFO's back in the 70's. Ruckman published a book named "Black is Beautiful" in 1995 which thankfully is now out of print. Ruckman tried too spiritualize his views on UFOs by appealing to such Scripture passages as Ò€œIn the last days perilous times shall come.Ò€
        Ruckman incorporated all the UFO conspiracy theories.

        The "X-File's" TV series had nothing on Ruckman.

        Hoffman is a Ruckman follower.

      2. Yeah, I paid for it. Although I didn’t pay any postage and handling. If you take the notes away, it’s a really nice Bible, very high quality pages and binding.

        That Zephaniah note is not the wackiest. I sent Darrell another one, about force fields that Satan controls around the earth. This force field powers the UFO’s. The proof for this? The popular saying “The Force Be With You” is the proof of this mysterious truth.

        I wish I was making it up.

        1. I wish it weren’t such a well-made product. Usually if a wacky pastor is self-publishing strange stuff out of his church basement, the quality of paper, binding, illustrations, and editing is so poor that people see it as inferior and questionable and tend to avoid it.

        3. One of my Christian high school teachers thought that the “sons of God” in Genesis 6, the ones that intermarried with the daughters of men, were actually alient that had landed on earth before the Flood. Seriously. And he wasn’t even an IFB’er. He was a charismatic who occasionally veered into charismaniac land.

  22. Yep this is a job for “BULL GIPP!”
    …and for a mere $72.00 you can order your very own Fundie sycophant CULT Reference Bible. It is a sin and a shame that the words of God are muddied with the fecal matter found in the footnotes and references of this Fundie fiction.
    I did find a photo of the author of the references which I would, again, like to share with the group. http://persifler.wordpress.com/2010/04/06/proper-fundy-headgear/
    george tells me, it is his professional opinion, this is a terminal case of rectalcranial vaporlock.

    The most disturbing aspect is, as it has already been said, there will be those who will read this drivel and promote it as truth and will fall on their swords defending it as gospel. God have mercy on their souls. I can’t imagine having to stand before God Almighty one day and give an account for publishing that book?
    πŸ™ πŸ˜₯

    1. Bull Gipp needs his own uniform.

      For the record, everyone, send me your $72. I’ll send you a sheet of paper with scribble on it. It’ll be about the same equivalent.

      (and the $72 will go to the “Cop And Wife Bonding Time In Cancun” fund.

      It’s really a good cause.

      1. He has one: Blue pinstripe suit, black wingtips, matching argyle socks, white shirt with cufflinks (Cross design), Tie, tie-clip or tack (matching Cross design), clean shaven, Baptist haircut, and a lapel pin with both the American and Christian flags on it, and a honking big, black, genuine cowhide, Cambridge, Wide margin, KJV Bible.

      1. Exactly!! This is, I believe, the first piece of print that has ever inspired in me a desire to actually burn literature, but to do it, I’d have to, you know, burn a Bible. Perhaps the offending portions could be excised and burned separately…

  23. It’s officially all of y’all’s fault – I have been thinking of SFL lyrics to common Christmas songs as I go to sleep at night. In fact, it’s hard for me to sleep because of the stupid carols that keep running through my head. If I can remember one long enough to write it down or figure out the entire lyric, I’ll be sure to share them, although I think that would make a great Friday Challenge, ahem.

    1. Go ahead and say it, Jenni. We’re all here for you.

      “My name is Jenni, and I’m a SFL addict.”

  26. Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!
    Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!
    Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!
    Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!
    Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!

    I’ve GOT to get Christmas stuff done today, so…

    Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!
    Ya’ll WILL NOT make me waste my day off!

    1. I’m not opposed to spending some big bucks to add to my Bible collection, but I want something worth reading. That isn’t it.

      1. Well, this book was instrumental in me leaving Fundamentalism, so I consider it $72 well spent πŸ™‚

        Plus, it means I can read a science fiction novel in church on particularly dry days, if I turn to the commentary in Zephaniah, Daniel, Zechariah or Revelation.

    1. Under #3, a portion of 1 Corinthians 2 is shown, and for some reason, the Bible verse is printed straight across the page with the footnotes going down the middle dividing the sentences in half! That’s weird! I was hoping the actual $72 Bible was printed that way, limiting its accessability and making people less apt to read it, but I see from Darrell’s picture that the columns are arranged normally.

    2. He says this in an MP3 sermon on his site too but notice this:

      He claims that the family record pages in this bible are sufficient legal documents for family records. He claims in his sermon that recording the birth information here is all the proof you need from a legal standpoint of personal records such as this.

      1. Uh … no.
        When I worked as a paralegal, I had to come up with proof of birth and death dates, marriages, divorces, and family relationships.
        Entries in a family Bible might be used as supporting evidence along with other evidence, but no authority I’ve ever heard of would recognize the entry in the Bible as sufficient in itself. It’s not even very strong evidence, because it’s not verified by anyone else besides the person who wrote it, let alone any competent authority like a Bureau of Vital statistics or a county records office.

    1. I’m getting more an more worried about the spread of the anti-vaccine craziness. Vaccines have done at least as much to improve public health as any other medical discovery in history.

      If enough parents get suckered into not letting their kids be vaccinated, epidemics that now seem safely in the past (polio, smallpox, etc.) are likely to return with a vengeance.

    2. It’s odd – I know one IFB woman who hates modern medicine, yet goes to a Chiropractor, which is weird eastern holistic quackery. Unless she meant physiotherapist, but I’m pretty sure I confirmed it was Chiropractice.

      I don’t get it. I knew better than to call her out on it though.

      1. On a quick re-read – it seems this guy is also against quackery, as implied by his pamphlet on Homeopathy. But is also against everything else.

  31. Even more lunatic fundy fringe Santa stuff here:
    http://www.slideshare.net/chreezmd/santa-claus-who-is-he-part-2-presentation

    Thank you for this post. This is one of the best examples of how crazy KJV-only nuts really are.

    I looked at the website for that “bible”, and in their first selling point, they pointed out the large margins for making notes, citing Jeremiah 23:18 – which says:

    For who hath stood in the counsel of the LORD, and hath perceived and heard his word? who hath marked his word, and heard [it]?

    😯

    1. Context? Who cares about context. Context isn’t important, right? Let’s just all grab ONE word from a passage and make it fit what we want.

      Sorry, but the taking things out of context thing is one of my HUGEST pet peeves.

  34. I mean, I have a KJV that I use and it has no notes or even cross references…I love it. That said, what kind of idiot would spend his time making a “study bible” filled with his own paranoia and lame thinking?…Ok, besides Peter Ruckman. If his wife was worth her weight in gold, she would pack up the kids head to mom and dads.

  35. I love it when people who supposedly take the Bible literally, start allegorizing Song of Solomon to somehow see Christ and the Church not a Bible primer on marriage.

    1. Yup, that’s a pet peeve of mine, too. I think they do it because if they took the Song of Songs as written, it would shoot down a lot of their teachings on prudery, frumpiness, and the whole stern-authoritarian-husband/doormat-wife dynamic that they love so much.

  36. Where’d this person even get the idea about Rudolph being drunk? 😯 And I have got an extensive memory of Christmas songs, believe you me, and I’m coming up with nothing.

  37. I grew up in fundyland. My Grandpa was my fundy pastor albeit a little more liberal than most. But my family and every church we went to liked Santa. There were always the few weird families that didn’t like Christmas but they were an exception. My parents didn’t say he was real but didn’t say he wasn’t. For us he was a great story like Cinderella.
    I guess the small exceptions took over because we all know it is some kind of Iron Man triathalon competition to be more separated than everyone else at church.

    1. My experience(s) as well.

      Thankfully as some of the “old guard” die off (Hyles etc.)
      there is a small move back in the right direction.

      1. Not sure what you mean by that but I think Jack Schaap is worse or at least an equal.

        As a whole nutcases are being produced and lauded by fundyism everytime westcoast or hyles anderson has a graduated class.

        Not every student mind you. But craziness is alive and well I can assure you.

        1. I have noticed the IFB movement branching off in different directions. You have the radicals (Schapp, Gray of TX, etc.). Then, you have the IFB’s who are only by definition, but really they’re other denominations. And, you have ones who are really good churches who remain neutral of any camp and do their own thing. Few and far between, but they’re there. My parents go to one.

      2. Don’t kid yourself. The IFB culture of Christian Fundamentalism is getting stupider, not smarter. The dumb-down schools are far more numerous and are putting way more men into the IFB ministry than the one or two less stupid fundy schools.

        And not one of them is teaching a genuinely scriptural view of accountability for elders. So, while being outnumbered by ignorant nincompoops, the better educated dopes are assuring that they can never clean up the IFB.

        The dummies will remain the largest part of the IFB.

  38. Oh. My. God. I can’t believe anyone with half a brain would put this crap in a “study” bible. 😯

    3. Despite growing up in a Fundamentalist environment, I have never seen this level of craziness. Not to defend the “Fundamentalists” but this seems like a whole new level of craziness that would not have been well received in my circle of very strict fundamentalism.

      1. This guy “Hoffman” is a follower of Ruckman. In fact, some of his comments are almost word for word out of Ruckman commentaries (I own them too). I don’t mind reading Ruckman – when he isn’t ranting off a list of names or conspiracy theories, some of his commentaries have some really deep insights, but Hoffman is a madman. So this is generally who the fundies refer to when they say “there are crazier than us”.

        1. In my experience, though, I never heard any messages devoted to exposing the lunacy of those “crazier than us” although I heard many, many messages attacking Billy Graham or Steve Green. Pastors I knew were always afraid people who stray into evangelicalism; why did none of them seem to fear that people would stray into this extremism?

        3. People like my dad always say, “I don’t like such and such about Ruckman, but he’s got a lot of good to say.” But why don’t they ever say that about Piper or C. S. Lewis or Driscol, etc.? It’s like there’s a secret list of XYZ that if you agree with, fundies will give you a pass on everything else you say, no matter how wacky. And it’s NOT the true fundamentals despite what they say. My dad would NEVER read C. S. Lewis, dismissing him entirely because he’s Anglican, but he’ll read Ruckman. It drives me bonkers.

        4. I’m curious how you got all this? You were a Hoffman/Ruckman fan and got them, or found them for mockery? I can’t imagine how one comes across this kind of insanity! πŸ™‚

        5. My parents have a “Ruckman Reference Bible” and I looked at it while visiting their home over Thanksgiving. It seems very similar to this Common Man Bible, except that the Ruckman one has commercials (!) for his Bookstore in the footnotes! The footnote would read something like: “For further information, see the book “Black is Beautiful” sold by the Bible Baptist Bookstore.” In the body of the text are his blatantly racist, misogynistic views, not to mention dated slang, which is odd, because I thought the KJV was in no need of updated language, but I digress… As an added bonus, at the back of the Bible are a series of Appendices on various topics of interest, such as Catholic Conspiracies, Rain and UFOs, The letter X, and, my personal favorite, the time datings of the 2nd Advent. Think I’m kidding? Check this out: http://www.ruckmanism.org/rrb
          Glory be! The second edition is out, just in time for Christmas! http://www.kjv1611.org/ruckmanreferencebibleorders.html

        6. I say that about Piper and others. I don’t agree with Piper’s calvinist theology, but when he talks about Jesus Christ, wow – it’s so lovely. Same for many calvinists.

        7. I was a Ruckmanite. I got this Bible because someone recommended it to me. I have had it for about three years… the Ruckman Reference Bible wasn’t available then or I would have got that.

          Slowly, I just drifted away from it. My involvement in this was really because I wanted to fit in – I was trying to find God, and all the rules and regulations weren’t helping in the IFB church, and Ruckman seemed to be hated by everyone so I figured “he must be right”. I was very deluded. As soon as I embraced Ruckmanism, I found a whole host of new friends (to argue with about deep theological topics such as geocentricity, UFO’s and the bermuda triangle). Even throughout all of this, I knew it was crazy. I just didn’t know where to find God. On a forum I ran, I got sick of people arguing about dumb stuff, so I started a section called “The Lunatic Fringe”. I renamed it to “The Fringe” (this was before the TV show existed), and it quickly became the most frequented part of the forum. I think I still have it archived somewhere. Reading that forum now would probably make my head explode.

          I even went so far as to defend very controversial topics he said even though I knew they were wrong.

          So I still use this Bible – like I said, it’s very good quality in terms of manufacture, and the cross references are often handy, but I find the commentary more amusing than anything else – it’s a constant reminder that commentaries are man’s opinion. This Bible helped to steer me away from Fundamentalism.

        8. @Belle, You know, I have my doubts that Ruckman is even saved. He always justifies his mouthing off about/to people due to them being “against the BOOK”. When in fact, whatever’s in the heart comes out of the mouth. Personally, I think he is just full of dead mens bones!

        9. I don’t think it is fair to question anyone’s salvation who claims to believe in Jesus Christ alone. I think he is nuts, and his anger is misdirected and misguided, and he definitely holds to some strange teachings, but when we start this “he is saved, he isn’t saved” stuff, we wander into the realms of works righteousness and self righteousness. Not accusing you of that, but if we are aiming to not be judgmental, it is best not to judge in this matter. God knows the hearts of men.

        11. I will state outright that I don’t know who is saved and who isn’t.
          However, I feel better positioned to say who is crazy and who isn’t, and the people who put out this kind of “Study Bible” are barking mad.

  40. I know a few pagans, and none of them would consider Santa Clause to be a god, and definitely not their god. Irrelevant info for a good rant.

    1. Fundy logic:

      Christians worship Jesus and think he is part of the trinity.
      Christians like manger scenes.

      Therefore,

      Since pagans like Santa decorations they must think that Santa is god. Especially since Santa is part of his own Christmas trinity (Santa, Jack Frost, and Good King Wenceslas).

  41. If you go to his website, (google his name) look under the plan of salvation…still amazes me that people are still using the whole “say this prayer and you will be saved” bit. What happened to the simplicity of “beleive on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” – and THAT’S even from the KJV!! πŸ˜†

    1. That “plan” – Sin the cause, death the result etc etc is straight up Ruckman. I’ve got little business cards with Bible verses and that on the back. It is sad to see it actually, and most people don’t actually mean that a prayer will save you, but too many have been duped into believing it is the prayer that moves the arm of God, and not understanding that God has already moved, died, bled, shed and secured us, and our only response is to believe!

      1. You know, everytime I tried to read Ruckman’s stuff and take it to heart (years past, that is) my always got a nervous stomach…

      1. Eggnog is delicious! It’s horribly full of calories, though! πŸ™

        It is kinda gross to think of how it’s made. It’s got lots of eggs in it.

        1. I love Southern Comfort’s Vanilla Spice eggnog. Not a drop of liquor in it! Second to that is, IMHO, Hood’s Cinnamon eggnog.

    1. James the Preacher (James Lyman) has nothing to do with David Hoffman – they are two different types of crazy. The name of both “ministries” might be similar, but even as a fundy, James the Preacher was so full of hate, and I stayed far away from anything he had his hands in. He is a different camp to Hoffman.

      Just to reiterate – the video here is not in anyway related to the Bible commentary.

      1. Normally, I wouldn’t even care about this mistake, but seeing as I own the Bible above, and even though for a while I held to the idiotic doctrines in it’s commentary, I do not ever want to be associated with James Lyman πŸ˜›

      2. I know what we SFL readers can do for Christmas. Let’s all send two dollars in to Darrell and he can go out and purchase a lovely new “real” bible for exIFB.

  46. Santa Claus is really an Odin like character. Like Gandalf the Wizard or Walt Whitman. The ancient Israelites never came in contact with any Norse or Germanic peoples, It’s amazing this is printed as Bible footnotes.

  47. I think the dude who wrote this is on crack. Wow. Can’t believe this was printed… unless it’s Photoshopped. And people believe this??

  49. Just a question of logic: Fundamentalist always get up in arms when there is creativity used to explain Jesus. Anyone who does not use a chick track, a foot stomping message, or a megaphone from the street corner is compromising. They are ashamed of the gospel

    Yet it apears that Santa Claus is hiding his pagan agenda under a bushel. Santa should not hide behind a suit or associate himself with a Christian holiday. Is Santa a pagan comprommiser? If I was a pagan I would be offended that this man was not a bold witness. He is dabling in a Christian holiday and trying to associate himself with it.

    I think fundies should celebrate Santa as a pagan compromiser.

  50. And I can learn all this and more for only $72.00?

    But wait, there’s more! Buy 16 Common Man’s Reference Bibles for only $900! One for every member of your church!

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