The challenge today is to rewrite (or invent) hymn titles to demonstrate fundamentalist reality.
Here are a few to start…
Break Thou The Purely Symbolic Matzo Cracker Of Life
When We Baptists Get To Heaven
Blessed Be the Standards That Bind
Blindly Trust And Obey Without Thinking
Revive Us Again, and Again, and Again, and…
Marvelous wrath of our vengeful Lord
Will fill in the rest of the verses later, currently at work and dont have a hymnal in front of me.
You brother in Gid
mbi2000
KoB is my favorite too. I’ve already sung it twice. I knelt at my keyboard the second time.
@mbi2000 fabulous!!!!!! Wrath that exceeds our fear and out doubt!
I’m cracking up reading these!
do you e’er think / you should see a head-shrink
tell it to pastor / tell it to pastor
do you seek to / be assigned a help-meat
tell it to pastor alone
tell it to pastor
tell it to pastor
he has an hon’ry de-greeee
he’s no training / except in berating
tell it to pastor alone
this has potential… stay tuned…
give me my way, lord / give me my way
i am the checkbook / thou art the bank
Reader Mi has come through again.
Parodying the Hymnal is one of the few games every MK I know has played. During one preacher’s meeting, after singing our songs, my sister and I sat in the back and made it all the way through the Baptist Hymnal.
It looked something like this. Warning, there’s nearly 500 titles, which is why I did not post, here.
I liked #342 I Am His, and He Is Mine, and You Are Not
My humble contribution:
At the Altar
(to the tune of “Nothing But the Bloodâ€)
1
What can wash away my guilt?
Nothing like a trip to the altar;
Why can’t men wear the Kilt?
Don’t want to see that at the altar.
Chorus:
To the preacher’s feet we go
Have to feed his e-go-oh;
Success in the numbers don’t you know,
It’s the weekly trip to the altar.
2
This my sin, it can’t be hid,
Requires another trip to the altar;
I had a bad thought about the man of gid,
Better get down to the altar
3
Once this week I sat to pee,
Better get right at the altar;
Missed three days of my KJV,
Oh, sinner run to gid at the altar.
4
Root beer from a dark bottle is what I craved,
better get started for the altar;
Pastor saw me with it now I gotta get re-saved,
He says I have to ‘git’ to the altar.
5
They just found out I post on SFL
Oh, sinner git right at the altar;
They are praying to save my soul from hell
Preacher’s called ‘em down to the altar.
I Surrender Some
Just As I Am, After I’ve Cleaned Up the Outside
Who can tell me what to do?
No one but my church’s pastor!
Who can guide me out of sin?
No one but my church’s pastor!
Oh, precious is the man,
that’s lead by God’s hand!
No other ‘thority!
No one but my church’s pastor!
———
I hear Bill Gothard say,
Thy strength indeed is small
Find a prayer closet and stay
until you’ve confessed it all!
Gothard’s got it all!
All authority!
Cabbage patch is pure evil,
so throw those dolls away!
——–
On a hill far away, was an old KJV
the pure inspir’d Word of God.
And I love that old book
Where those preachers have signed
when they spoke at revival for me.
So I’ll cling to that old KJV
Till other translations are thrown.
Yes I’ll cling to that old KJV
and exchange it someday for a crown.
————-
‘Tis so sweet to trust in pastor,
Just to take Him at His word;
Just to rest upon His promise;
Just to know, Thus saith the Lord.
pastor, pastor, how I trust Him,
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er,
pastor, pastor, Precious pastor!
O for grace to trust Him more.
The Church’s One Foundation is our Senior Pastor
I loved Christopher’s version of “Blessed Assurance”.
Give of Your Best to the Pastor
Pastor, the Tempest is Raging!
More Like the Pastor Would I Be
This is a work in progress. Any help you want to give will be appreciated.
Master, the Joneses are raging,
The hemlines are rising high,
The hair on the boys is frightening,
O help us to God draw nigh.
Carest Thou not that we suffer,
How cans’t Thou do nothing?
When each dean in the admin building
Is ready demerits to give.
The people waiting in the DC line
Say, “Please, be still,”
Whether the wrath of the dean of men
Or dean of students or dean of women
No wrath can compare to the president
Or to the chancellor himself.
They all will screamingly get pissed off,
“What say you? How say you?”
“How dare you not obey authority?!”
“Please, leave this campus.”
Come and dine, the pastor calleth, come and dine
O little town of *Greenville
*change name to the appropriate one for your camp, e.g., Pensacola, Hammond, etc.
O little town of *Greenville
How still we see thee lie
Above thy campus buildings
The preacher stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight
I’m trying to figure out some alternate lyrics to “he touched me” the start is a fabulous fundy guilt trip o rama. “Shackled by a heavy burden/’Neath a load of care & shame”, obv would need an altar call or a preacher to “touch” me at that point… Lil help someone?
Are you worried ’bout a sex scandal?
Tell it to Pastor! Tell it to Pastor!
Have suspicions ’bout the youth director?
Tell it to Pastor, alone!
Tell it to Pastor,
Tell it to Pastor!
He will keep it unknown!
Don’t tell the cops, or a news reporter,
Tell it to Pastor, alone!
@James that last was quite good.
Bwah! Don’s “Nothing but The Blood” made me crack up. I loved the sitting down to pee line!
Have Thine Own Way:
Have Thine Own Way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
Thou are the Appointed / I am the Mindless Idiot
Mold me to love those that read the KJV
And hate those who read the NIV (or especially The Message)
Have thine own way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Five Hundred people, will I so lead
In 1-2-3 Pray after Me (Or I will not eat)
Have thine own way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
I will never admit that I’ve had a bad day
Everything is always so wonderful
When you attend First Baptist in Hammond (on every Sunday mornin’, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Monday night and Thursday night visitation, Saturday soulwinnin’)
Have thine own way Jack / Have Thine Own Way
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
I am a drone, my skirt shall not fray
I shall believe everything you say!
this is just a glorious thread. bookmark this one for best of 2010!
@ Mo Re Mi lol…. I guess that make me “La Ti Don?” That sounds so metrosexual …. so now all we need now is a “Fa So.” 🙂
Yes this is the mostest fun I’ve had in a while! Instant Classic! Bravo Darrell, Bravo! (opera clap)
@ darrell, forgetting our families can be sung to the tune of bringing in the sheeves:D whats sad is tht i am singing the tune for most of these in m head while i am singing them! lol
never mind previous post…someone already pointed tht out. im still singing all of them though:)
off-topic, but you can sing “o danny boy” to the tune of “o holy night”.
I’ve a story to tell to the deacons,
That will cover everything up;
A story my pastor came u-up with,
A story that’s pretty goo-ood,
A story that’s pretty good!
And the cops won’t ever be called,
And my parents will ne’er find out;
And Preacher can keep on preaching,
And thousands more will be saved!
He Touched Me
—
Shackled by a heavy burden,
‘neath a load of guilt and shame;
When the hand of Pastor touched me,
And now, I’m going to be insane.
He touched me, O, He touched me,
And O, the fear that floods my soul,
Something happened, and now I know,
He touched me, and scarred my soul.
As your Fear looketh for some comfort
You can trust he’ll find it here.
Come forward and tell your PC
You can trust he’ll have your rear.
He alone is your confidant
He’ll tell your dorm sup(e) and forgive you not……..
As your fear looketh for some comfort
You can trust he’ll find it here.
After laughing my head off, I had to point something out. I was raised in the extreme fundie Church of Christ, and while we all thought you all were going to hell, the similarities between us are crazy-scary…similar. 😛 I’ll bet the only difference between us and you were the names on our churches. And we never were allowed to use the name “pastor”. And we changed the words on most of these hymns to make them “doctrinally correct”. 🙄
This post has me cracking up!
Ah so, Fa So be FatSo, I so,so fatso, so I be, Fat So La Ti Don.
Shape note singing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRC0JX2N4WI&feature=related
I must tell pastor
1. I must tell pastor all of my problems
I cannot bear these problems alone
Pastor will tell me to read my Bible
I don’t need meds or psychology
Chorus:
I must tell pastor, I must tell pastor
Pastor will help I’m sure that he will
I must tell pastor, I must tell pastor
Pastor will help yes he fits the bill
2. I went to Pastor with all of my troubles
I thought he’d listen and help me out
He didn’t listen or seem to care
He interrupted, began to shout
Chorus:
I just told pastor, I just told pastor
What was I thinking, that was just dumb
I just told pastor, I just told pastor
What was I thinking, now I am numb
Fundy is as Fundy does. Changing the words to make a hymn “doctrinally correct†is a time-honored tradition in all of Fundy-land. Parody suggests you think too well to stay there.
Here is a little lyric my mother (of blessed memory) wrote many years ago:
Put your hand in the fan and you’ll probably lose a finger
Put your foot in the fan and you’ll probably lose a toe
Put your face in the fan and you will look at others differently
Put your body in the fan and change your anatomy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrlNN7ftYpk&feature=related
Sorry for double dippin’ but worth the price of admission for this one.
Sung to the tune of The B-I-B-L-E
The B-I-B-L-E
Made an atheist of me!
I read that crap
from front to back
Now, I no longer believe!
in …
(repeat)
Sung to the tune of Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
There’s upon my plate a meldly
pasta, rice, and vegetables
get the ladle, pour vast quantities
of that savory stuff on my plate.
Cheese Sauce! Cheese Sauce! Cheese Sauce!
Greatest stuff I know!
Tops my macaroni
my fettucine alfredo!
This from one of my theology profs in Bible college in the 70s:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Scofield notes and Scripture Press
(and that’s all he wrote)
(Sung to the tune of Jesus Loves the Little Children)
Pastor hates the Southern Baptist,
Luthurans and Methodists too…
They deny the KJV,
Listen to rock, and watch movies
But Pastor hates former members most of all!
His Eye is on…Me! (His Eye is on the Sparrow)
Sometimes I feel discouraged,
Sometimes the shadows come,
Sometimes my mind gets worried,
I wish it was time to go home!
If Jesus is my portion,
My constant Friend is He,
Why does the pastor bug me?
‘Cause I know he watches me!
I know I’m right with Jesus!
But the pastor’s watching me!
“You know your heart is sinful!â€
His ranting voice I hear,
“Grace only for salvation;
Your works will keep you here.
But you won’t wear your culottes,
I see your N…I…V.â€
It’s time for the invitation,
And I know he’s watching me.
Will someone else please go forward!
‘Cause I know he’s watching me!
When e’er the sermon’s over
And the song leader does arise
When “Just as I Am†starts playing,
Then hope within me dies.
We’re here for fifteen more verses,
Unless I go forward on three,
And I’ll save you all from starvation,
‘Cause I know he’s watching me.
You all go home to your dinners,
‘Cause the preacher’s watching me.
(two variations on the potluck theme)
hold the fork! for I’m still eating
sayeth pastor chuck
save me some potatoe salad
from this bless’d potluck
—————————
(and from victory in Jesus:)
o hickory smoked sausage
I’ll have some / for dinner
(now I’ve got mocker’s block… can’t figure out where to go with this one)
(Again sung to the tune of Jesus Loves the Little Children)
Pastor preaches against long hair
CCM and drum sets too
Is your clothing up to snuff?
Will you ever be good enough?
Pastor will throw all your sins back at you!
(Jesus Loves the Little Children)
Pastor wants me to go to church
Twice Sunday, Wednesday too.
As if that were not enough
Saturday mornings were made ruff
Visitation is what we all had to do!
OCD: rough, not ruff
(Jesus Loves the Little Children)
Pastor wants us all in college
Only the church college will do
Forget all your ambition
Pastor’s got himself a vision
Record enrollment is the goal of the day!
(Jesus Loves the Little Children)
Pastor says we need a banquet
Wants another building or two
Will the fundraising ever stop?
We keep going into hock.
Retirement is getting farther away!
(Jesus Loves the Little Children)
Its Pastor’s vision we follow
And do what we are told to do
The umbrella of protection
Often used just like a weapon
Drink the Kool-Aid so you will not have a clue!
Another conference at church
Suddenly it is “eight to thrive”
Mom working and daycare is bad
But church nursery makes God glad
No matter if the family is deprived!
I Love to Tell the Story
I love to tell the story
of the rebellious teen;
who stole the family car
after drinking Listerine;
He’d heard the gospel often,
but he never got saved;
His car flipped on the highway,
with his brains the road he paved.
(chorus)
I love to tell the story,
T’will be the same in Glory;
To tell the old, old story,
Evangelists always tell.
I love to tell the story
of missionary kids,
who played their Steve Green CDs
and watched Amy Grant vids;
The natives came in horror,
to hear the devil’s songs,
they’d played the same old drum beats,
back when they wore their thongs.
(chorus)
I love to tell the story
of all the folks I’ve saved,
in all the towns I preach in,
I bring in the depraved;
I’ve won so many gold crowns,
I’m holier than you;
You should be asham-ed
at the little that you do.
(chorus)