The challenge today is to rewrite (or invent) hymn titles to demonstrate fundamentalist reality.
Here are a few to start…
Break Thou The Purely Symbolic Matzo Cracker Of Life
When We Baptists Get To Heaven
Blessed Be the Standards That Bind
Blindly Trust And Obey Without Thinking
Revive Us Again, and Again, and Again, and…
“O Day of Rest and Gladness” should be “O Day of Church Work and Guilt”
“Great is MY Faithfulness, Lord, unto Thee”
“May the Mind of My Superiors”
“Let the Gospel Tracts be Spreading”
The Solid Sermon
My sermon is built on nothing less/ than my good works and faithfulness.
I dare not reference that author’s name/ when I can say something that sounds the same.
Trip to Pastor’s School
When we all get to Hammond/ What a day of rejoicing that will be.
When we all see Hyles (or a 40′ mural)/ We’ll sing and shout the victory!
“I dare not reference that author’s name/ when I can say something that sounds the same.”
Yes,yes,yes!!!
I remember when the music/youth pastor in Lancaster did time management lectures and never credited Steven Covey with the time management matrix that was the foundation for his lecture.
Eternal Father, Strong to Save Those Who Pray The Prayer and Really Mean It
Go Tell It On the Mountain With a Chalk Talk or a Bullhorn
Marvelous Grace of Our Loving Lord For Salvation Only
More About Jesus Would I Memorize in Short, Out of Context Portions
The Comforter Has Come Though Still In Guilt We Live
On the other hand, some hymn titles don’t need to be changed at all:
Carry Your Cross With a Smile
Mansion Over the Hilltop
Onward, Christian Soldiers
ooh, that’s good!
@ Josh – for hymn titles that don’t need to be changed, how about “Oh, What a Wonderful, Wonderful Day, Day I Will Never Forget”? I can sing the entire first verse and chorus by memory, but I always felt HORRIBLE singing it because I’d asked Jesus to forgive my sins when I was a child and I COULDN’T REMEMBER THE DAY!
my IFB version of “A Mighty Fortress is our God”
A mighty fortress is our Church, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper It, amid the flood of moral ills prevailing:
Our women still wear skirts, Our men wear ties and shirts;
Our bus ministry is big, we are armed with the 1611 KJV,
On earth is not our equal.
On the last:
Great things He hath taught us, great things He hath done,
And great our rejoicing through KJV alone;
But purer, and higher, and greater will be
Our wonder, our transport, when we burn NIV.
Rescue the perishing, care for the dying..because its all up to you, you lazy ingrate.
He leadeth me, O blessed thot! o words with condemnation frought! Whate’er I do, where’er I be, still tis my pastor’s hand that leadeth me!
All Hail the power of my pastors name, let angels prostrate fall! Bring forth the royal diadem and crown him lord of all! ( Then break into a chorus of ” We love you preacher, we really do! We don’t love anybody as much as YOU!)
Christopher made me LOL.
God’s Final Call (until tonight)
Almost Persuaded
Now to believe;
Almost Persuaded
Pray unto me.
Seems now the preacher dear
Wants you to shed a tear
We will keep standing here
Until you come!
This feels like it could be a great twitter hashtag! 🙂 I’m not creative enough, may come up w/ a couple this weekend.
But the ones so far are fabulous! Another hilar twitter hashtag would be #FundyMovieNames. Just a thought.
Now turn to page 334 in the Baptist Hymnal* and we’ll all sing that favorite “Blessed Assurance”
1. Blessed assurance, I’m right all the time!
Oh, what a foretaste, it’s almost like wine!
(Short) Hair of Hammond, purchased PhD,
Born of His chosen, dunked in the baptistry.
* Refrain:
This is my story, this is my song,
Reading KJV all the day long;
This is my story, this is my song,
Six-teen-e–VENN… all else is wrong
2. Perfect submission, fit for a wife,
Pre-tribulation rapture, like “Thief in the Night”;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Those who would question are lost without love.
On the last
3. Perfect for doctrine, forget all the rest,
Only the King James, inerrant and blest,
Pastors all sweating, bring from above
Shouts of damnation, whispers of love.
*You can double-check me, but I think I am right on the page number
Whiter than snow.
No need to change the words.
I would:
Whiter than Sepulchres
To Pastor Be The Glory
Master, the Joneses Are Raging
I Want to See My Pastor First of All
This Little Light of Mine Doesn’t Count ‘Cause it’s Not A Baptist Light
Serve for the Night is Coming When You Can Work Some More
Hear Ye the Pastor’s Call
Give me your best
Give all the great not small
This is a test
O Victory in Jesus, my Savior until I leave this church for another
You all know this oldie, right:
I was sinking deep in sin,
Having a wonderful time!
Then my roommate turned me in,
Now he’s no friend of mine.
Are there more words to finish the tune?
Blessed Mic Feedback (to Blessed Quietness)
@Dan Keller’s is my fave so far. Works on several levels, could be accusing someone of being imbibers, could be some other sin they are doing, or the fact their sin is making the singer rage. They all work! BRAVO!
Forget our Families
Sermon Sunday morning
Sermon Sunday evening
Sermon Wednesday evening
Then pray upon our knees
Visitation Thursday
And again on Saturday
Seems we’d rather be here
Than with our families!
Forget our families
We’re busier than bees
We never talk ’cause we’re in
Fifty ministries!
@Camille:
I always heard it this way:
I was sinking deep in sin,
Having a grand old time.
Then the dorm sup. turned me in,
Now I’m in DC line.
Dean of Women, Dean of Men,
Heard my despairing cry,
From the campus lifted me,
Now home am I.
Rusting Away
Verse 1:
When we come to the church
Hear the pastor besmirch
Other pastors and teachers today
While we do his good will
He will smile on us still
While our poor brains are rusting away
Refrain:
Rusting away
From the crap he doth say
All opinion; nothing deeper
So we’re rusting away
Verse 2:
His stories are all flimsy
His doctrine is pure whimsy
His knowledge, like his hair, is quite thin
But he’ll rant and he’ll yell
“Johnny Mac’s going to hell!”
While are brains are still rusting away
Chorus
singing hymns
The church’s one foundation is the 1611 KJV,
And those who read the “NasBee” are heretics to me.
From heaven it came perfected, each “hast” and “verily.”
We actually don’t read it; just trash the NIV.
The Old Sacred Desk (rugged cross)
I’m writing a tune to this as we speak.
@Darrell I thought that was bringing In the sheaves, no? I hate that these just fit into the tune in my head! 🙂
I can’t believe I didn’t get that.
Well done, KoB.
Rusting Away = Trust and Obey
Should have labelled them. 🙂
“Throw Out the Lifeline” should be “Throw Out the Chick Tracts”
I’d found a friend, oh, such a friend! Our love was true and fervant.
Then I heard she liked the NIV* , now I think she’s Satan’s servant.
And from my heart I’ll cast her out; I quickly did unfriend her.
For she’s not really one of us but an evangelical pretender.
* Alternate verses: she liked Harry Potter
Oops – I hit submit by accident! More alternate verses:
Then I heard she liked Casting Crowns
Acts 29
SFL
@Bassenco
I was thinking culturally, but you’ve added another layer of meaning.
Faith of our Fathers may not need need any changes.
Sweet 5 Minutes of Prayer
There’s a New Name Written Down in Pencil(on erasable bond)
Take My Life and Leave Me Be
There’s Room on the Bus for You (I heard Wally Beebe sing this!)
You Must Open the Door
“You must open the door, you must open the door.
He’s done all he can do; now it’s all up to you.
You must open the door.”
Washed in The Blood, Tide Pen in my Purse
Life has terror now it never had before.
There is panic ev’ry day and even more.
For a standard that I cannot keep is mine.
Since I’ve signed my soul upon the dotted line.
Chorus:
O it is wonderful to be a fundy!
O it is wonderful to be obsessed.
O it is wonderful to have your sins belabored
O it is wonderful to be accused, beaten down and evermore oppressed.
And someday I’ll go through heaven’s shining gate.
And I’ll have to live with those I really hate.
So my Chick tracts I’ll bring with me when I go,
Just in case there’s someone there who doesn’t know.
Chorus
@ Rob – haha! Unless “Faith of our Trail of Blood, Baptist-only Fathers” because I think that song was originally written by a Catholic!
@ Pita: Great song!
I’m enjoying this!
I come to the old fashioned altar alone,
While the rest of them stay in their pew and disobey,
And the moan I hear falling on my ear,
Is someone whispering they’re going to be late to the buffet
Wonderful Grace of Jesus -> Where-is-the Grace of Jesus
Jesus Loves Me -> Pastor Loves Me
Oh to be like Thee -> Oh to Be like Pastor
Amazing Grace -> Saving Face
Oh Pastor that will not let me go
Another Verse (Just as I am)
Another verse, we’ve just started 2
If someone goes forward, then we’ll be through
I went last time – how about you?
Surprise – we’re going to verse 3.
Whoopee.
Another verse – is this number 3?
My feet are tired, I have to pee
If I crack my lids, I just can see
Oh, man – are we done yet?
Not yet.
Another verse, we’re now on verse 4
So tired that I could sleep on the floor
How soon until we head for the door?
Oh, crap – are we done yet?
Not yet
Another verse. Forgot there were 5
My legs are so numb, they don’t feel alive
This is just one of “three to thrive”
This week. Are we done yet?
Not yet.
Another verse. Here comes verse 6
I could go for some pizza and breadsticks
Instead I’m standing here with these hicks
Is this the end of the set?
Not yet.
Another verse. So glad we’re on 7
At least this song hasn’t got 11
Hope that this thing isn’t sung in heaven
Oh crap – it’s back to verse 1.
Not done.
Oh for a thousand sacred desks
I’ve just made KindofBored official music director of SFL.
My faith is built on nothing less
Than my imputed righteousness!
I do not need that other stuff
Long as I meant that prayer enough!
Are we down hearted? Yes! Yes! Yes!
@Ron Bean There’s Room on the Bus for You (I heard Wally Beebe sing this!)
Wasn’t that Weird Al? Ohh, wait. That was Another One Rides the Bus. That could be a fundy favorite.
YouTube –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YQa6l3Geyo
@Darrell Lots of great entries, but I think you couldn’t make any other decision but to select KoB. I’m looking forward to the first Singspriation under his/her leadership! 🙂