Hello, Candidate for Soul-winning, would you like to be my friend? You can tell by my smile that I’m the friendly sort. And why else would I be stopping by your house at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning?
“Hi, I’m here from Grace Fundamental Bible-Believing Baptist Church and wanted to know if you go to church anywhere?” I already know that you don’t.
We can’t be real friends, of course, as I perceive by your clothes that you are a sinner ripe for destruction. I can practically see the evil creeping out of your tattooed pores. I’ll bet you listen to rock music and drink beer when Christians like myself aren’t around to make you feel guilty. I’ve decided to care about you anyway.
“If you were to die today do you know where your soul would end up?” I do. Don’t pack a sweater.
No, we will definitely never hang out or have a meal together. I would never let you or your public-school indoctrinated spawn within a mile of my children. Every friendship has its limits.
“Say, we’d love to have you visit our church!” You can sit in special section reserved for those we judge. We love fresh fodder for the judgment bench.
Why do you look so annoyed? I’ve done nothing but be perfectly nice. Is anybody else enough of a friend to care as much about your soul as I do? I doubt it very much.
“Well it was really nice to meet you. Let me leave you a gospel tract as I go.” I know you won’t read it but it’s my duty. It’s what friends like me are for.
Brilliant.
One more tab on the pad. Check.
*huge sigh*
Hello, Candidate for SFL, would you like to be my enemy? You can tell by my frown that I’m the contentious sort. And why else would I be stopping by your house at eight o’clock on a Saturday night?
“Hi, I’m Pastor Noseitall from Grace Fundamental Bible-Banging Baptist Church and wanted to know if you are having doubts?†I already know that you are listening to liberal preachers.
We never were real friends, of course, as I perceive by your clothes that you are a confused sheep ripe for destruction. I can practically see the evil creeping out of your downcast eyes. I’ll bet you listen to rock music and drink beer when Christians like myself aren’t around to make you feel guilty. I’ve decided to care about you anyway since you historically tithed to my church.
“If you were to leave my church today do you know where your kids would end up?†I do. I see rebellion and destruction for them.
No, we will definitely never have hung out or have a meal together, but I know what is best for you. I have never let you or your public-school indoctrinated spawn within a mile of my children. Every friendship requires control.
“Say, we still love to have you to remain our church!†You can sit in special section reserved for those we judge. We love fresh fodder for the judgment bench.
Why do you look so annoyed? I’ve done nothing but be perfectly nice through the years. Is anybody else enough of a friend to care as much about your soul and money as I do? I doubt it very much.
“Well it was really nice to have known you. Let me leave you a curse from God as you go.†I know you won’t believe it but it’s my duty. It’s what friends like me are for.
MUCH laughter at this! Reader Mo quality right there!
Hello, candidate for soul-winning. You visited church last Sunday and I noticed you clapped after the special music. Well, as true bible believing Christians, we don’t clap in church, we just give a hearty “Amen!”
@JimE–Brilliant.
@JimE – you beat me to what I was just about to write…but you said it much, much better. Good job!
That’s a great re-write, JimE. Well done.
Didn’t Jesus say something about the Pharisee’s being twice as fit for hell as the people they were leading? Anyway, brilliant post.
@Darrell, you inspired me and gave me 95% of the words. Kudos.
Oh, and I’ll be sure to tell all my fellow church-goers in the “Soul-winner express” converted school bus all about your (apparent) sins. It’s not gossip. Oh no, it’s “war stories” from the front lines. And secretly, I’ll be relieved when you don’t show up next Sunday.
Oh this brings back some memories from my days doing door to door in High School on Saturday morning. Yea now that I am on my own living life I realize how dumb it was to do this Saturday morning around 10 AM. If my doorbell rang at 10 AM on Saturday, even if I were awake, I’d be annoyed. Double annoyed if it was a religious person.
I also remember right after graduating from BJU. My wife and I were looking for churches and we decided to first try the two that would meet the approved list before branching out. The second was more of a PCC church (the whole pastoral staff was from PCC and they all happened to be family members (Dad and two sons). That was our clue that we wouldn’t be going back to this church, but we didn’t figure any of this out until after we had filled out the visitor card with our address. I remember the odd looks on people’s faces when I said I worked for the secular state university in the area, which is only the largest employer in that town…how and entire church congregation in that town escapes having a single student, staff member, or faculty member from the college is beyond reason. Anyway they decided to come do a followup without warning. My wife was pissed. I think we had just finished dinner and had luckily kept out house relatively neat. From then on our practice was to exclude our address on those cards. Phone number, fine, address KMA.
I never fill out visitors cards anymore for just this reason.
Some churches get really pushy about it, though. like this: http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2009/01/visitor-cards/
a gentleman i know who attended a very large ifbc used to fill out fake visitors cards every week, and every week the song leader would get up and read them off: “alright, we’ve got gary coleman and todd bridges visiting today. gary, todd, where are you? are you out there? why don’t you stand up? gary coleman? todd bridges? well, ok, they must have had to leave, but if you’re out there, we’re glad you came.”
That’s just so wrong. And so funny.
*Winces* Ow, those memories brought back hurt. I used to do weekend door-to-door visitation in Sunday clothes, until I came to the realization that me and the other Fundies I’d go out with on this task were essentially the same as the other folks who’d knock on people’s doors at 10am Saturday morning. You know the ones.
“That’s a great re-write, JimE. Well done.”
Totally! It’s an appropriate rewrite. It reminds me of growing up too. When my parents decided to leave our first church and find a second one for various reasons, the pastor from the first would visit on occasion. It was always awkward, and sometimes it would be around dinner time. After several of these spontaneous house calls, my Mom decided to pretend we weren’t home. Totally embarrassing, but there we were peeking out the window to see if they’d left the yard yet so we could get back to whatever it was we were doing. Never mind that our car might be in the driveway still…
He stopped visiting after a few times with “nobody home”…
i decided that if fundies ever came soulwinning to my house… i would engage them in loooooong debate and argument (while leading them to believe that i was THIS close to being converted, thanks to their expert christian arguing skills)………… since they would be inconveniencing me on a saturday morning… i would certainly waste as much of their time as possible… (also to save as many as my neighbors as possible from the headache)
also… funny story… once i was teaching one of my students a guitar lesson in his home on a saturday morning.
knock on the door.
his dad answers it.
“hello im blah blah blah and this is blah blah blah from god-honoring music baptist church and we’re out visiting with people in the neighborhood. if you died today do you know where you’d spend eternity?”
“yes, we’re from like-minded baptist church and our kids go to bob jones.”
“oh how neat! well that’s good enough for me… have a good morning!”
i laughed for a while after that.
I’ve also learned that telling them “Thanks for dropping by, but we’re already members at ***** church down the street” doesn’t work. Your current church is too large, and doesn’t provide the amount of “support” you need for a Christian life. And don’t even mention being Southern Baptist. You’d have been better off dropping the “f-bomb.” I just hide in the back of my house now when I see them or the other usual Saturday morning visitors coming.
Really funny. I still don’t get why some Fundies think door-to-door “visitation” is relevant in 2010. I wouldn’t open my door to a stranger. . .even wearing a suit and tie! 😉
I lasted a good month or two at my current church before the managed to break down my defenses and forced me to sign a visitor’s card. I only gave them my email address and the number to the phone I never answer. For me out of the blue phone calls are almost worst than those Saturday morning and weekend night visits. (A local fundy church likes to go knocking on random doors during weekdays AFTER dark! What the heck are they thinking???)
We got visited last night. Cold call. It wasn’t the Mormons — no bicycles. And I don’t think it was the JWs, since they didn’t fit that demographic. But we’ve had both visit us at different times. Neighborhoods like ours are ripe for the picking.
I’m guessing it was Hampton Park. But who can know because we both refused to answer the door. . . .
Who *does* answer the door for this sort of thing?
My fav line? “Why do you look so annoyed? I’ve done nothing but be perfectly nice.” Perfection.
@RJW: Completely agree.
Since JW’s and fundie Baptists hate Catholics, I love to inform them I’m Catholic.
That shuts them up.
@Morgan: Like the most immature the internet can offer, they don’t know what to do when they meet the enemy IRL.
Reader Mo owes me a new keyboard since mine is now sprayed with cola.
Few things: I have wittnessed a number of folks saved, baptized, and still growing in grace through door to door visitation…it still works…probably more effective in some areas more than others. 2nd the attitude of many fundies may be like you suggest. I laughed, but it is really sad. 3rd we don’t wear suit and tie on visitation. 4th the fake visitor card thing is funny, I don’t care who you are.
Great post. Brings back painful memories that make me writhe with shame and embarrassment. I really just don’t get the mindset behind harassing strangers in the comfort of their own homes.
In the Bible, Jesus and the apostles waited for lost people to come to them (I can’t seem to remember any instance where they didn’t, but someone correct me if I’m wrong!). Or they hung out socially and waited for an opportunity. This is the kind of “evangelism” I am 100% behind. I have had so much better luck inviting people to church who I’ve gotten to know first as a friend, and you know what? These are the people who keep coming!
@MrsSarahN invited himself to Zaccheus’s home, although Zack did come out to see Jesus first. Best I can think of.
What’s even better up here in Alaska is the tracts we get stuffed in our door every week (and in all our sci-fi/fantasy library books). At least the fundies around here know people are well-armed and don’t take very kindly to invasions of personal space. Oddly enough, I’ve NEVER seen the local BJU church do any community outreach. The most we hear about them is when some piece of legislation is about to go through (to benefit teh scary gheys), they fly up folks from the lower 48 to protest downtown. Protest equal rights laws and take an Alaskan vacation? That’s almost like a missions trip! 😉
We have two very noisy dogs, both of whom look as if they would lunge at you if we didn’t hold their collars (one would, to jump on you and lick your face off; the other – who sounds fiercer – would back away and might pee on the floor because she’s so scared). That usually makes people think twice.
@ Mrs. Sarah N, I agree!
I know this is out of context, but I think it’s funny. When Jesus sent out the 72 to heal and preach in Luke 10, He said this, “Whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace be to this house!’ . . . And remain in the same house, eating and drinking what they provide, for the laborer deserves his wages. Do not go from house to house.” Again, I know it’s out of context, but isn’t it funny that the primary mode of fundy evanglism is the specific thing Jesus told the 72 NOT to do?!
I’ve thought about just going to the door naked… “Hi! Ya’ll come on in! We’re not scheduled for the group scene for another hour but we have some wine while you wait.”
Yep, that should do it.
Of course it would probably be even more embarassing for them when the EMS arrives on scene to a naked fat man performing CPR ….
@ Don
When I 8 yrs old, I was going door to door in our trailer park selling raffle tickets for my elementary school. There was a woman who came to the door in her bra and panties. Yikes!
Your comment brought back a funny memory.
Yeah, I would definately make sure they didn’t have the F.I.T. ‘s in tow (Fundy’s In Training)
Then pull a @jim on them… and start hugging on them and crying and shouting, and say, “Let’s go tell the neighbors!” as I start out the door in my high heels….
I believe they would leave their car in the drive way… running.
“What? Was it something I said?”
@Don I don’t care how bad you look naked, I would pay money to see the video of that interaction!
I would’ve thought Fundies by now would quit doing door-to-door to avoid “the appearance of evil” — appearing like the Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons who do the same thing, wearing the same “uniform.”
My pastor is very good about keeping friendships with people he and others have visited. There have been a few people at my church in the past year who got saved and started coming to the church as a result of visitation. Some of them leave to go to another church, I think, but the Lord is definitely working in their lives. Depends on the approach, but I don’t like doing door-to-door. I annoy 9/10 of the people, and the ones who aren’t annoyed are usually Christians.
How on earth did we get from door-to-door visitation to people getting naked?
Some people…
@mfdc5, this made me think of a funny thing that happened to me years ago. I was living with my sister in the Dallas, TX area one summer while attending grad school. One day my 3-year old niece, who was taking a bath, challenged me to jump into the bathtub with her. To her great delight, I plunged in fully clothed. Well, after the fun was over, I got out, removed the lower half of my wet clothing and held a (very small) towel around my waist. I put my clothes in the dryer then sat down to wait at the kitchen table which happened to be near the front door. The front door was propped open so that the glass storm door could allow light into the room. Well, soon I heard a tapping sound and looked up in horror to discover two middle-aged deacons from the local IFB church peering through the glass door at me, where I sat about 4 feet away. I didn’t know what to do–I couldn’t get up because the towel would fall off, but I didn’t know how to indicate to them that I wasn’t able to get up and answer the door. So we had a very awkward stand-off for a couple of minutes before my sister came from the back of the house and LET THEM IN. I had to endure their lengthy visit while seated at the kitchen table desperately trying to make my towel remain in place over my lap and thighs. I’m sure they were puzzled over the whole situation but it didn’t prevent them from staying for at least half an hour and plying us with nosy questions. I was never so glad to see anyone leave in my whole life!
Sor-ry…. (hangs head, shuffles feet)
But you see everything out there going door to door these days… and I suspect that maybe the reason may Fundy leaders still want to go door to door….
@Don did it, I just wanted to see a video!
Y’all are NUTS lol!
Oh.my.goodness.
If I could just run into myself 4 years ago I would have soooo much too say! I would probably punch myself in the face. It was just a short time ago I was stuck in all of this crap, but it honestly feels like another life.
Thank God for SFL!!
@Jan Now that is an uncomfortable story. They may have seen your condition and enjoyed haveing a captive aucience. You should have stood up and shuffled to the door and yelled to the top of your lungs, “You want me to do WHAT?? for fifty dollars!”
That way you keep your dignity a-n-d get to see the “Fundy Disappearance of Evil shuffle.”
@Amanda Yeah… we know…. “ain’t it grand!”
Brain still not work with fingers. Fingers not know how to spell right… George go home now.
@Don, LOL! Actually, I should have been wearing my Testimony Guardian, but…uh…I didn’t have a pocket to put it in. 😉
@Jan Too bad they don’t put pockets in those Bath towel Kilts. btw does the TG come with a BS detect app? 🙂
Maybe it can detect BS, fake BS and best of all… HPhd, the carriers of which are granted unquestionable access.