54 thoughts on “FWOTW: momof9splace.com”

  1. Wait – you’re NOT supposed to teach your kids how to make good decisions?!? Really?!? That article on child training gets human nature wrong on so many levels!

    1. Of course you can’t teach your kids to make good decisions. If you do, they will leave the IFB and where will the next generation come from?

  2. “How are you going to give your life to Christ
    when you won’t even give Him your wardrobe?”

    Because if you don’t dress like a peon, you’re probably a compromiser who listens to rock music.

  4. “I would look at the cigarette ad and say, ‘No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!’ until the two words ‘cigarette’ and ‘no’ became associated indelibly in my subconscious mind.” (Train Up a Child, “Developing a Child’s Will”).

    Oh boy, this made me laugh. But it is sad. They are training their children to be robots instead of nurturing a passion for Christ. They are also focusing on so many things that aren’t even in the Bible while neglecting other things that are.

  5. Every time I see something like this, I recall a comment from a young woman who grew up in an old line Pentecostal church (proving that it’ not just IFB’s). She dais, “All those girls with long hair and long dresses and long faces and big bellies before they’re 17.”

  6. “Our children have a wicked world coming – wickedness that matches Noah’s day.
    Bible versions have already become commonplace in almost ALL churches!
    Tongue Speaking already takes place in almost ALL churches!
    Music has already become a power in almost ALL people!
    The messages of Unity, Peace and Love has permeated all of society!”

    Wow…just wow! I’m speechless…

  7. Especially this part:

    “The messages of Unity, Peace and Love has permeated all of society!”

    Really, that’s a bad thing? Is anything Jesus actually said just thrown out the window?? What is supposed to be in place of unity, peace, and love? Division, discord, and hate? From the examples of some IFB churches, I guess that sadly is the case…

    I just don’t get how those three things have turned bad.

  8. This passage form one of the pages on her website made me rather angry:

    “Let us suppose that upon the streetcorner there stands a group of men and boys among them being two boys whose minds are pure. You and another girl are dressed with very low necks, very thin blouses and your skirts are quite short. The scantiness of your dress attracts attention to your person. You may behave as perfect ladies, but as you pass the corner your appearance causes worldly minded to think and say vulgar things about you. The pure-minded boys hear, and their minds are defiled. You girls are as much to blame for what has happened as the impure man or boy who said the evil things.”

    This is just wrong on so many levels, I don’t know where to begin.

    On a completely different note, I needed some new spring clothing. . .time to go out and shop for some trendy new culottes! 😉

  9. “when he is 6 or 7 let him go to the corner store alone and spend the money he has earned”

    I’m a mother and I’m stunned! Going to the store alone especially at that age? We don’t live in “Mayberry” we live where children are easy prey to dangerous people. Maybe I should take her advice and send my Autistic six year old to the “corner store” alone and when social services comes to investigate me and take my children, if he’s ever found again, I’ll tell them I was just trying to raise my kid like God wants me to!

    “She later wonders why the son doesn’t hold down a steady job and why he joins a hippie group and in general is a liability to society.”

    Helping my kid shop for clothes when he’s a teenager will keep him from holding down a steady job, make him join a hippie group, and be a liability on society??? Also where does one join a hippie group? Do those even still exist?

    *Side note good idea for another article, Stufffundieslike: “The Andy Griffith Show” or at least fundies in the South love it.

  10. alm517: “Also where does one join a hippie group? Do those even still exist?”

    I know, right? I’m sure a few obscure ones still exist somewhere. This website reflects the true out-of-touch fundy: it’s 2010, not 1970.

      1. No doubt there’s a lot of grizzled hippie grandpas sitting on their rockers in their communes, lnitting their tie-dyed t-shirts and grousing about “kids these days!listening to the junk rap music! Why in my day we went on peace marched for over ten miles! and in the rain too!” etc, etc, :mrgreen:

  11. “The Andy Griffith Show” or at least fundies in the South love it.”

    Fundies in the north love it, too.

  12. I’ve only lived in the south and about a half hour from where Andy Griffith is from. It’s still a big deal here and I wasn’t sure if my opinion was tainted by my close proximity to the Holy Grail of IFB television.

  13. At one time my parents considered Andy Griffith iffy because of the portrayal of drinking in it (yeah, I’m talking about the “town drunk” and his stints in jail), but that didn’t last long. Believe me, fundy fascination with Andy Griffith isn’t merely a geographical phenomenon. Personally, I kind of like the show myself, but I also enjoy Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Harry Potter, Star Wars – you know, fantasy.

  14. Passing a slow afternoon enjoying the “courtship” page. Some gems:

    “Secure the blessings of the parents. Your parents have first and final approval on all the people you are likely to be romantically involved with.”

    “Seek your pastor’s advice. Before you get too serious, seek your pastor’s advice. Pastors often know things even parents do not know.”

    “Double dating may reduce premarital sex on the double date, but it will not do much to reduce what leads up to it, kissing and petting.”

    “I think this speaks of the authority and security of living with your parents until you are ready for marriage. As far as I can tell, this is the way it was always done in the Bible. In general, for the most part, young people should remain at home under their parents’ supervision and authority until they are ready for marriage.” (Okay, if the single person is 50, should they still be living under their parents’ supervision???)

    “Dad, mom and your pastor should have first and final approval on your choice of a spouse. If dad, mom, your pastor or godly grandparents do not approve of him or her, he or she is wrong for you!” (Sorry, but although this is kind of a repeat, it seemed to bear repeating.)

    “Christian young ladies need to understand that certain sensual dress and frizzy hairstyles say to a boy, “Try me, I might. ” They are a subtle offer of sex.” (My hair is constantly frizzy. .is this an offer of sex??)

  15. Some fundies might give Otis, Mayberry’s town drunk, a pass because he was played by Hal Smith, a.k.a. Mr. Whittaker of “Adventures in Odyssey.”

    As further proof of fundy love for Andy Griffith, my parents’ church recently hosted a “sportsmen’s banquet.” The keynote speaker was a guy who had played a minor role–as one of the Darlings–in a couple episodes of “The Andy Griffith Show.” He was a huge hit.

    And my favorite part of “Mom’s” site is the hit-counter–the “Christian Counter.” How can it be sure everyone visiting the page is a born-again, fully-immersed, KJV-thumping, culotte-approving Christian? Or does “Christian Counter” just mean that it’s a specifically Christian version of a particular html formula?

  16. Mom of Nine is a Jack Hyles fundie.

    Do you think that one of her children is called “Seven of Nine”?

    Now Seven wore a very (ahem) revealing outfit. Mom wouldn’t approve!

  17. Love this one:
    “Please, if you are able to have children, then have them. Don’t be so stinking selfish of yourself and disobey God’s command to be fruitful and multiply.”

    But wait! There’s more! Call in the next five minutes, and she’ll let you download “Free Stand Alone KJB Graphics!” http://www.momof9splace.com/collection.html

  20. ““Christian young ladies need to understand that certain sensual dress and frizzy hairstyles say to a boy, “Try me, I might. ” They are a subtle offer of sex.” (My hair is constantly frizzy. .is this an offer of sex??)”

    LOL, oh my! Uh, “frizzy”?? What about all those fundie girls I used to go to school and church with who all had perms? Every woman I knew seemed to have big, frizzy hair. I swear, for a while the “home permanent” was the thing to do in fundie circles…I guess all those women and teenage girls were really offering sex…who knew?

  21. “And my favorite part of “Mom’s” site is the hit-counter–the “Christian Counter.” How can it be sure everyone visiting the page is a born-again, fully-immersed, KJV-thumping, culotte-approving Christian? Or does “Christian Counter” just mean that it’s a specifically Christian version of a particular html formula?”

    Actually, I’m really curious if the number on that “Christian” counter isn’t a little inflated somehow.

  22. That child training section is awful. It’s accepting God by rote, holding up a Bible in front of a child and making them repeat over and over “The Bible is God’s Word.” Check this point out:

    “The parent should always attach the result with the act. The words “drink” and “drunkard” should be associated. The words “dope” and “addict” should be associated. The words “lazy” and “poverty” should be associated.”

    Guess that lets us off the hook with regard to helping anybody in poverty (I just escaped out of an IFB church. The pastor actually said–a number of times– that helping those in need is not a biblical mandate for the church.)

  23. Wow…I didn’t read all of the child training section, so I missed that. OK, associating “drink” with “drunkard”. What happens when the child asks mommy for a drink? Are they afraid getting a drink of milk will lead to drunkenness? And the “lazy” and “poverty” one is just awful, truly awful. It boggles the mind how warped from scriptures these thoughts are.

  24. Thanks Darrel, I use to like Pachelbel’s canon in D. Now it reminds me of “CULOTTES – SKIRTS – JUMPERS – BLOOMERS & Skirlots”

  25. @Ben. I think it would be safe to say that pretty much all of it is warped beyond belief…

    4.206,683
    Either it’s inflated somehow, or it’s from all of us who keep parousing through the site scoffing at it.

    So…I totally did not know that The Andy Griffith Show was fundy obsession…Wow. Nonetheless, I still think it’s a good show.

  26. “It is my belief as well as the church I attend that our music, our speech, our message, our appearance and our attitude should be in stark contrast to the world in order for sinners to see their need of repentance. Sinners will not respond to a Christianity that appears to be just like they already are, or condones their sinful state. ”

    This just stinks of humanism and man-centered theology! So what you are “nicely” trying to imply is that, everyone else is beneath us and our little church (man-made standards club) and if you want to be right with God, you must be just like me and my church. Please excuse me – I didn’t know I was surrounded by such holiness. I’m going to have to think on this one over a beer and a cigar.

  27. It is ironic but quite fitting that The Andy Griffith Show is so well loved in IFB circles: Sheriff Taylor was an inveterate liar. Watch some episodes and keep a count.

    1. On the other hand he was a patient and considerate father to Opie. However, I wonder how many black people got run out of Mayberry at sundown.

    1. You’ll be pleased to know that when I just clicked on your link I was informed that the domain name may be for sale. I guess I can’t get modest swimwear and will just have to be a godless heathen in my tankini.

  29. Mark Thomas said: Actually, I’m really curious if the number on that “Christian” counter isn’t a little inflated somehow.

    I’m pretty sure it’s not. She is linked to by a LOT of other blogs and websites. Ladies Against Feminism is one of the sites that links to her. Another blog by Crystal Paine (Money Saving Mom) links to her. It drives some traffic to her site.

  31. ‘Scuse me. 10 _million_. My eyes did deceive me. (Or maybe it was the painful font color messin’ with my broken eyes.)

  33. @ Mark Thomas– I stand corrected. Yours were worse by far and the ones I posted look fashionable compared to those! Although I’m wondering who can afford 70-100 dollars for a bathing suit-See Stufffundieslike: Bad Pay 😉

  34. So looking at her “statement of faith,” I was wondering why a blog needed a statement of faith. Then I noticed tenant 1, about the KJV: “We recognize only the King James 1611 Authorized Bible, as the inspired, preserved, and infallible Word of God in English. All that is preached, taught, and practiced comes from this Bible and nothing else.” Pretty common…except this is a one-WOMAN show. Hence, why “we” and for sure why “preaching”? YOU SHOULDN’T BE PREACHING!!! And the funny thing is, she didn’t copy her church’s statement. So… O_o

    http://www.momof9splace.com/susantestimony.html – What’s the “DH”? Surely not her designated hitter? It shows up again in another testimony, so maybe it’s some sort of insider lingo. “Destined Husband”? So confusing…though I’m sure there’s a primer out there somewhere…”Courting for Dummies”? Oh man, I see dollar signs now…

  35. Wait, not done yet. I found a “Courtship Guide” there and this fine gem: “Accept Introductions.”

    “Here’s my (daughter/grand-daughter/neice/whatever)” – either she’s embarrassed out of her skull to be introduced by the crazy old person, or she’s resigned herself to whomever said crazy old person chooses. Bad news either case – either she doesn’t want to be there, or you shouldn’t want to be there, but both cases are a solid “no go” in my book. It’s also possible she and/or her crazy old person are wildly desperate, which is similarly disastrous.

    I have to make a serious effort to avoid these things at least twice a year in my travels. I once dodged a pastor’s wife for forty minutes after hearing she had the “perfect” girl for me. Not easy in a church of 100 but I managed it somehow. One of my finer moments… 😉

  36. @mounty: Just read that testimony, and I was kinda [not] surprised to find no reference to Jesus in there until the last paragraph. Maybe wearing “dresses only” is what saved her?

  37. All this modesty business is hilarious. Obviously this woman has never been a teenage boy. You can be dressed from head to toe in formless potato sacks, but if you’re physically attractive teenage boys are going to think about you naked. Perhaps it’s not lewd dress that fundies should be attacking, but rather puberty itself.

  38. How to mess with Fundies: Hand them a French-English dictionary and ask them to look up the French word for Pants. Try to contain your laughter when they see that the French word for Pants is “coulottes”.

  39. @mounty DH is “dear husband”. It’s internet shorthand that’s been around for quite some time, and not just in venues like this one.

  40. @Randy

    And to think I wasn’t the first one to notice how odd the IFB world at large looked the other way considering Sheriff Taylor was an almost Clinton-level liar (especially the later episodes).

    I’m curious as to whether there was a mass rejection of the series when Ron Howard (Opie) directed the movie version of “The Da Vinci Code”.

  41. Oh, I was breaking out in a sweat I didn’t think my mom had a blog, but I thought I just stumbled on it! Sounds just like her. I only read the clothing part. Just amazing. That they still strain at gnats over dressing like a woman so you can’t wear pants. She even quotes from a McCalls Magazine and you can tell it is an OLD article from the 1940’s refering to “trousers” and “Bathing Costumes” to prove her point that men look at women’s legs. People haven’t talked like that in a LONG time.

    1. Actually it’s a reposting of an article written by a man named (appropriately enough) Bruce Lackey. Check the end of the article. Why this woman feels she can’t speak authoritatively to other women about appropriate clothing is another issue.

  42. Bloomers, really? Seriously?

    And girls can’t wear pants because at a distance you can’t tell if the person is a boy or girl? Really? ‘Cause, you know, I always look off into the distance and think, “Stink! That person is wearing pants so I can’t tell what his/her gender is. How irritating!”

    1. Yup! That’s what they told me when I wanted to wear snow pants to play in the snow in 4th grade at my Christian school. I thought it was BEYOND stupid. I just wanted to roll down the snow piles like the boys were able to do.

      1. I used to walk by one of BJU’s many elementary-aged buildings on the way to work at HomeSat, and the sidewalk was up above the playground equipment beyond the fence. It was unfortunate that those little girls didn’t have pants or even the bloomers advertised on the site, though, because any little girl who flips around monkey bars should not be wearing a skirt. From my view up above on the sidewalk, and the view of the men walking that same sidewalk … well, we could tell these were little girls.

    2. Yeah, I’m not sure why the gender of people a long way off is important. Maybe so men can try not to lust from further away?

  43. I find it interesting that the article ‘Biblical Guidelines About Clothing’ is written by a man–I would think a woman truly interested in going this route would want information from another woman. By their own standards, this would be the right route to go–women teaching women, and what kind of Christian man has this kind of obsessive interest in women’s clothing anyway? 😉

    That said, I love the stretching that takes place here, and the use of material other than the Bible to interpret the Bible (commentaries, maybe, but Ladies Home Journal??? Sola scriptura only applies when there’s enough material to work with, I guess). Drawing the analogy between Deuteronomy’s prohibition against cross-dressing with Paul’s advice about hair lengths seems like a huge stretch. How does the Nazarite vow fit into this?

    And what about societies where clothing is less gender-specific? Are they Biblically required to completely redesign their clothes to fit Fundie-approved patterns? All of this makes me wonder what the writer would have to say about wearing a kilt.

    Some quotes that stick out:

    “What do we say about this? Consider some simple things to keep in mind. First, we are talking about the obvious. We’re not talking about some hidden thing, like a belt, that doesn’t have anything to do with the sex of the person, that doesn’t have anything to do with the body.”

    I’m not sure how a belt is hidden, or how it wouldn’t have anything to do with the body since the main function of a belt is to hold clothing onto the body. Moreover, who defines what items of clothing directly relate the sex of a person? Ultimately form follows function, and covering something up can be just as erotic as revealing it (the Victorians for all their outward prudishness were pornography addicts!)

    and perhaps the worst of all:

    “King David walked on his roof top. He was lazy; he was disobedient; he was out of God’s will. But also he saw a woman washing herself. She was either out in a yard where everybody could see her, or else she was in the house without the curtains drawn. And she was equally guilty in that lusting experience. I know David was out of God’s will and should have been out fighting the battles, because the Bible starts off that chapter by saying that it was the time that kings went out to war that David stayed at home. I know that was wrong, and she likewise was wrong in taking a bath where a man could see her.”

    Talk about blaming the victim. He never considers that Bathsheba may have been unaware that David was watching her and assumed she had privacy; i.e., that David was a Peeping Tom who deliberately sought out the experience. How many people had curtains back then anyway?

    1. Sub McCall’s for Ladies Home Journal. This is what happens when I try this with only three hours’ sleep. 😳

  44. This quote from one the how to be a woman pages makes me laugh and be angry at the same time: OK, so here is my challenge to you, go back to your home and realize the position that God has given to you. Grab your scepter! Maybe it is a spatula, a stirring spoon, look at them and say, “ your not a spatula…you’re a scepter.”

    Yeah….talk about a bad case of cognitive dissonance there. If we are unhappy about equating washing the dishes to a royal task, the problem must be with our sinful hearts!! Not because those types of things are mindless, boring, and do nothing for the woman other than “fulfilling the high and noble call” of washing your husband’s underwear! (all sarcasm there)

    I am married, and I do these things for my husband BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. Not because I feel like it’s my Godly duty or if I don’t I’m not a Godly woman. He’s the kind of guy who appreciates feeling taken care of, but he hates the idea that I would do that because I thought it was my duty. I would like to think that God made women with more in mind than just hooking her up with some guy she can be a slave for after reaching a certain age.

    Ok, rant done. I’m going to go back to my full time job while my wonderful husband is at home washing the dishes.

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