An alert SFL reader recently received a survey from a Fundy U and decided to provide some analysis for our enrichment. The entire survey is apparently an exercise in denial that students may actually have left fundyland since graduating. Or perhaps they just don’t care about the opinions of those who are no longer in the fold.

“Did your spouse attend (institution)?”
I’m not married, but thanks for assuming anyone out of college must be. This would be the last straw to send me into a downward spiral of pain and frustration, if I still believed that drivel about needing a spouse to be a complete person.

“How many children do you have?”
While “0” is an option, the way the question is written tells me something. Namely, I should have gotten married, tsk tsk shame on me.

“If after graduation, you did not seek employment in your major field, explain why not.”
[see next question/answer]

“What is your current primary paid employment?”
Senior Pastor
Pastoral Staff
Evangelist
Missionary
Camp Ministry
 School Administrator
Teacher (full-time)
Teacher (Part-time) [sic]
Business Owner
Business Manager
Secretary/ Office Management [sic]
Health Occupation
Agriculture
Laborer
Government
Manufacturing
Professional
Retail
Retired
Sales/Marketing
Service
Technical
Day Care
Not employed/paid
Other, please specify:
First, I guarantee they made an alphabetical list (with not/other at the bottom, as customary), then pulled the Christian Service positions out and ranked them on top, then slapped poor forgotten Day Care on the bottom. Too bad they don’t list my actual profession or anything close on the list. Which probably explains why I didn’t use my stated degree towards it.

Which of the following best describes your membership in a local church? I’m a member of…
… a fundamental Baptist church
… a baptistic church without “Baptist” in the name [which are fully uncheckable to attend]
… an evangelical church 
… a non-evengelical church [wouldn’t every other category cover this? why not just say what you mean, which is  ‘an apostate gathering of heathens’?]
… no local church at this time.

In what areas of local church ministry are you involved?
Obviously, you didn’t actually expect the ‘no local church at this time,’ above, to be chosen. You must have included it for the laughs.

Which of the following best describes your current, primary involvement in Christian ministry?
I have a full-time paid position
I have a part-time paid position
I participate in unpaid ministry
I do not currently participate in ministry
I am between ministries [meant to make you scrub out your check next to the above answer and guiltily get back to that unpaid, 20-hr-per-week ministry you left] 

How would you rate attitudes toward [institution] in your local Christian school.
How in the name of sparkly unicorn droppings would I know?

How often have you accessed the [institution] website in the past six months?
Daily
Weekly
Monthly
Rarely
I have no internet access [obviously the only reason your answer would be ‘never,’ so let’s just fill it in, hmmm?]

How satisfied are you with the Alumni Association’s contact with you since you graduated?
Well, I got this survey, so obviously they still have my address, so ‘dissatisfied.’

Have you ever gotten a survey from a fundy institution? What creative things do you do with them?