“Don’t tell God you don’t want to do something because that’s exactly what He’ll call you to do.”

For all of their horror at the asceticism of other Christian sects, fundamentalists are often fascinated with the idea of suffering for Jesus — and God is evidently only too happy to oblige them. If a fundy admits to hating hot weather, God will inevitably call them as a missionary to the tropics. If the hate cold, they’ll go to Alaska, and if they hate eggplant they’ll end up in New Jersey. It’s inevitable.

In fact, your only real hope of getting THE CALL™ to a place or vocation that you like is to psych God out with some reverse psychology. “No, Esther, I hate the beach and being rich and being able to process lactose!” It’s a long shot but maybe you’ll end up loving life if you pretend to hate it enough.

Some fundies are so obsessed with receiving THE CALL™ to suffer that they are not suffering enough they think they’ve missed God’s perfect will and may very well go out and find some way to inflict some pain (or at least few minor irritations) upon themselves so they can earn a martyr’s crown. Soul winning and street preaching provide ample opportunities for this. Volunteering to direct this year’s God and Country cantata provides even more.

Suffering is a good and righteous thing. As long as you’re doing it any time but during Lent, that is.