And when it shall come to pass that thy loins shall have born fruit and that the size of thy household shall greatly increase that then shalt thou heed the words of the commandments concerning how thy children shall behave when there’s anybody watching. And of the church and the restaurant and of the grocery store thou shalt strike into thy child a great fear and overwhelming dread for in these places thy children’s behavior shall be as thy own testimony as a parent and everyone is watching.

Beware, for in that day when it shall come to pass that they child shall be loud or whine or be in any way stubborn in resisting thy commands then shall the entire world know that thou are a BAD PARENT and thy shame shall be upon thee. For nobody in the real world has ever had one of their own children act up or misbehave or talk back and they shall in anywise believe that thou art not a true Christian and thy testimony of the tract thou shalt hand them shall be ruined and their eternal soul shall be forever lost. And what’s worse, if thou art a missionary family you might lose support.

And so shalt thou do, that thou shalt take unto thyself a rod or a board, or a wooden spoon and thou shalt keep it in thy car so that thou mayest invite thy child to “go have a talk in the car” with thee if she shall misbehave.But thou shalt in anywise keep the secret of thy discipline from the public for when Child Protective Services gets involved, things becometh yea verily a mess. So shalt thy hide the implements of destruction from plain sight and only thou and thy children shall know what pain lieth in wait for them if they screw up.

And if someone shall enquire as to the secret of how thy eight children doth sit quietly without speaking at thy local Denny’s then shalt thou simply smile and say “We try to raise our children to glorify God” and forgo to mention exactly how that works. For of the making of sausages and of always perfectly behaved children people may like the result but they never really want to know the process of how they are made.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 95