If you’ve ever heard someone use the words “God’s will” in a pickup line, chances are you went to Fundy U.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a ministerial student in possession of a diploma from Fundy U, must be in want of a wife. For all the jokes about women coming to a fundy college in pursuit of their MRS degree,  there is a great deal of genuine fear among fundamentalist parents that if their child goes off to a secular university they may end up unequally yoked to a Presbyterian. This is a fate to be avoided at all costs.

With the incredible pressure to find a spouse, dating at Fundy U is as serious as it is ubiquitous. Every date is a potential mate, after all, and the  mad rush to the altar demands that any interaction between the sexes may be defined as “a date.”

Borrowing a pencil in class? You may need to stop and “define the relationship” with that person first.

Sitting next to someone in church? You’re as good as engaged even if you don’t actually know them.

Eating dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex? It’s time to start picking out the names of your first six children.  I hear Jack is a popular one.

Other opportunities for dating include dating outings with all the rapture of “hand holding” games; Artists Series wherein you get all dressed up and listen to someone scream in Italian for an hour; or best of all trips to the dating parlor complete with hours of optical intercourse.

With college coming to an end and hormones running high, many graduates of Fundy U will be married within a few weeks of getting their diploma. The sad reality is that many will end up divorced as it finally occurs to them that maybe a date to Vespers wasn’t the best way to get to know who their mate was in the real world outside those hallowed halls.

Of course, compared to the alternative of having the type of fundy parents who insist that they be allowed to chose your spouse for you, maybe dating at Fundy U isn’t so bad after all…