Tag Archives: joke

Odds and Ends

Taxonomy

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I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to ready my camera). “Don’t jump!” I said.

“Why not? Nobody loves me.”

“God loves you,” I said. “You believe in God, don’t you?”

“Yes, I believe in God.”

“Good,” I said. “Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”

“Neither,” he said.

“What then?”

“Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

“Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Dispenstional Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Historical Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist
Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Actually, I’m NASB-PREFERRED Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.

— Adapted by reader KindOfBored from a very old joke

Music

Jokes

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An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer.”It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”
“Praise choruses?” asked the wife. “What are those?”

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The farmer said, “Well it’s like this . . . if I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you, ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, in the CORN, CORN, CORN, COOOOORRRRRNNNNN.’ Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus.”

As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns?” asked the wife. “What are those?”

“They’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The young man said, “Well it’s like this ¦ If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and change keys on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.

Thanks to James for this gem.