By the time a fundamentalists graduates high-school and Bible college he or she has heard roughly 17,436 messages on how to find God’s will — a topic surpassed only, perhaps, by sermons on fleeing youthful lust. Divining God’s will on such matters as which college to pick and which person to marry is a very sneaky and subtle thing that is very easily missed if one isn’t careful. One wrong step can lead to absolute destruction.

Consider this cautionary tale. “I was supposed to be a missionary in Botswana and instead I totally misunderstood the Holy Spirit’s leading and went to Brazil instead. After spending 20 years sharing the gospel there I realized that all those souls won and churches started should never have been.” Such stories are as heartbreaking as they are commonplace. Heed their warning well.

If you are ever in doubt as to what the perfect will of God is, the answer is to consult the Holy Spirit — who is conveniently located inside any local fundamentalist leader. You’ll never have to wonder what do to again.