As most of you are now aware, Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church recently put forward a proposal that all gay people should be rounded up and imprisoned behind an electric fence. In the light of this bold suggestion, I would like to offer a counter-proposal that I think will work equally well to keep Chucky happy and gay-free while not being quite so Nazi-like. Thus I would like to introduce:

The Prophet Province

My proposal is that every fundamentalist preacher be relocated to a 50,000 square mile area of the Sonoran Desert. This location will then be designate The Prophet Province and high walls will be built around it to keep out all worldly and evil influences from the general population of the Sodom and Gomorrah that is the remainder of the United States. There in those sanctified confines the fundamentalist preachers of the world will finally be able to spend their time doing what they do best: being the holiest people around.

With such a large area and a relatively small number of fundamentalist pastors, it should be a fairly simple matter to keep the preachers from being located too close together. For a true prophet experience each one should be allowed to think that they are the only ones left in the entire world who are still holding the truth faith. Also, when these would-be prophets encounter each other their failed attempts to call down fire and she-bears on each other often result in the sort of embarrassment that would better be avoided. Let each one think that they are the only voice crying in the wilderness and all will be well.

As an added bonus, given that these are all men of god, there will be no need to provide food for their sustenance. Research indicates that ravens will show up a minimum of four times a day with enough casseroles and carbohydrates to sustain even the most voracious desire for “fellowship.” In addition to eating the pastor’s days can be spent in much the same fashion as they are today, writing their own biographies, condemning everything that moves and thanking God that they are not like other men.

I implore that modest proposal should be implemented as quickly as is feasible. For once it is done life will immediately improve for scores of women, children, gays, minorities, and pretty much everyone else. And the pastors likewise can live out their days of Elijah in perfect peace.