Fundamentalists stand more than ready to give an answer to every man.This answer, however, is less inclined to be a witness of the the “hope that lies in them” and more likely to be a series of carefully-crafted, spiritual-sounding but completely-inane phrases.

It goes something like this…

“Frank, I’m so depressed today. I just feel like life isn’t worth living…”

“Well, Jim, rejoice in the Lord, always!”

“I just don’t think I can. I’ve been through a lot recently…”

“Jim, you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you!”

“That’s true but I’m really hurting right now…”

“All things work together for good, Jim!”

“I just don’t see how that’s helping right this second…”

“You just need to let go and let God!”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means that God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called!”

“What on earth are you talking about, Frank?”

“Jim, God never moves without purpose or plan…”

“I’m telling you I’m in pain and you’re seriously quoting me Ron Hamilton song lyrics right now?”

“God gives wings as Eagles? Squash the wiggle worm? He’s still a workin’ on me?”

“Goodbye, Frank.”