Nobody doubts that music is powerful stuff. It can delight you or sadden you or (if accompanied by the right set of words) make you want to buy large amounts of laundry detergent.

Fundamentalists take this principle even one step further by proclaiming that unless used in Southern Gospel music, placing the beat anywhere but the 1st and 3rd note causes involuntary muscle movement that results in dancing, pregnancy, dyed green hair, and referring to ones father as “my old man.”

What’s more these “unnatural” rhythms cause your body’s normal function to break down causing the heart to beat at an unnatural pace. Even house plants (who at last check don’t have hearts) will shrivel up and die if exposed to these awful “rock” beats — especially if you’re too busy dancing and getting pregnant to water them.

Putting the beat on the 2 and 4 causes the body to release endorphins which are also what moths secrete when they want to have sex. No…wait, those are called pheromones. Anyway, endorphins are something chemical and most likely something more or less like heroin which accounts for why these awful beats are so popular even if they do make the listener’s heart beat in unnatural ways.

It’s a wonder anyone survives a trip to to supermarket…