Category Archives: Sex

Sex

Fundy Sex Week Day 3: We Don’t Need No Education

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[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

It is a core belief of fundamentalism that it is the sole responsibility of a child’s parents to mumble through a red-faced and oblique explanation of the facts of life. This most awkward of conversations will then end with the parent rushing off to do something important that they just remembered needed doing in hopes of curtailing any awkward questions. If it weren’t for the encyclopedia and occasional National Geographic wildlife documentary, it’s unlikely that most fundamentalist children would really have a clue as to where babies come from — much less how much fun it is to make them.

The ban against explaining even the most rudimentary aspects of reproduction in a classroom setting would seem to be counter intuitive to a group of people who are obsessed with keeping teens from actually having sex. If your youth group is convinced that “adultery” means “acting like an adult” and that concupiscence is a kind of dessert then how exactly can one be expected to avoid the evil and cling to the good? It’s a case of what you don’t know being able to hurt you.

But the ignorance doesn’t stop there. Even married folk in fundyland often suffer from a deplorable amount of ignorance regarding exactly their bodies work and the amazing number interesting things there are to try when they’ve got some spare time. A few brave fundies will try out a book like the LaHaye’s The Act of Marriage or the Wheat’s Intended for Pleasure but even those are too much for some fundamentalists who think that talking about or describing sex at all is akin to “Larry Flynt pornography” and would likely faint dead away if someone dared to describe how to “Split the Bamboo.”

So what’s a fundy to do? Well, here’s a thought: if you were trying to learn how to speak German, make a soufflé or fly an airplane you probably would try to read books or watch videos or even (*gasp*) talk face to face with people who were knowledgeable and had some training and experience on those topics, regardless of whether they agreed with your position on eschatology. May I be so bold as to inquire what makes learning how to have great sex (or any sex for that matter!) all that different?

In this case, ignorance is not bliss nor is the awkward shame of false piety the same as godliness.[/spoiler]

Sex

Fundy Sex Week Day 2 Bonus: Flirting in Fundyland

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Girl meets boy.

Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl.

Girl realizes she’s sexually attracted to boy.

Girl dumps boy because anyone who provides such a temptation must be evil.

Girl writes boy a long, long letter stuffed with verses explaining how boy is obviously not God’s will for her life because he’s driving her to lust.

Girl gets lonely and depressed and writes a lot of bad poetry on the theme of Jesus being the only love she needs in her life even if He’s not in a huggable form right now.

Girl meets another boy and the fundy world goes ’round…

Sex

Fundy Sex Week Day 2: Being On Top

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[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

As any politician who has been caught in flagrante delecto can tell you, sex is often primarily about power. In fact, it’s not any secret that (especially for men) sex is often more about power and ego as opposed to the healthier motivations of love, procreation, and mutual enjoyment. In fundyland, the exercise of sex-as-power gets even more complicated than the simple a urge to dominate, since even having sexual desires is seen as an inherent moral flaw.

A fundy man having taken unto himself a helpmeet is faced with a dilemma. On the one hand he is told that he is to be the absolute and final authority in his home and rule it with an iron hand. On the other, his wife can rob him of that power simply by refusing his amorous advances. The situation is even worse for an unmarried fundy man who is at the same time tremendously tempted by vague notion of sexual satisfaction while at the same time being repulsed by the idea of women in general as being the deep ditches and narrow pits that will lead him to his destruction.

In the end, it’s fundamentalist women who suffer most from this paradox. They are told both that they are vile temptresses whose bodies only exist to tempt men and that they are also responsible to perform their marital duties (note: if it’s a ‘duty’ you’re doing it wrong) as the only way to keep their man on the straight and narrow. In short the message is to be eternally afraid of her own sexuality but always ready at the drop of a hat to actually have sex.

Some men in fundyland, however, fare only marginally better. The most alpha males may simply take what they want without regard for anyone’s enjoyment but their own. But the more thoughtful and kindhearted fundy man (yes, they do exist) who has been taught a lifetime of fear of the eternal temptress that is womankind simply has no idea how to deal with his own conflicted feelings of guilt and desire — much less the confusion of his partner over the mixed messages he’s sending out. It’s the perfect recipe for a whole lot of loneliness.

Happy are the people who put the power plays of fundyland behind them and understand that love has no shame — and that it’s all a lot more fun when everyone gets a chance to be on top.
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Sex

Fundy Sex Week Day 1: In The Beginning

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[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

In the beginning, God made Adam and Eve. Then God said “Have fun, kids! Make lots of babies!” And so Adam and Eve had lots of boisterous and frequent sex and then their offspring did the same and humanity in general has been following suit every since. Not surprisingly, it’s how pretty much every single one of us got here. Most of the world’s inhabitants have figured this out and consider sex to be a normal part of life that requires no particular embarrassment.

But as we are all aware, fundamentalists are not like most of the other people in the world. While the rest of the world is off loving and being loved and enjoying what life has to offer, many fundamentalists are sitting on their icy mountaintops like frigid Grinches, sneering at the rest of the world and despising their merriment — for nothing that is fun and exciting could possibly be godly or allowed.

So somewhere in the mists of time, fundamentalists passed an unwritten rule that the only time that sex should be spoken of is to decry its sinfulness and to proclaim the message “don’t even think about it!” And preachers across the land took up the call to demonize sex wherever they could find it whether on television, or on billboards, or on the cover of the Ladies Home Journal. And the congregations of fundamentalism grew so ashamed that they would not even speak the word “sex” instead using cumbersome euphamisms or vague hand gestures or gulping down the last syllable so the word sounds like “sect…*gargle*.” And fundamentalists stood ever on guard lest any mention of the act should be allowed to enter a person’s mind via a book or a movie or a shampoo commercial.

But all this repression wrought in them much frustration and in despair and they turned that frustrations outward, expending their frantic energy in pastoral ministries and missionary positions around the world. And upon hearing all their cries of impotent rage, and seeing the their determination to go it alone, the rest of the world marveled at the angry fundies and often remarked among themselves that maybe fundamentalists would all be nicer and happier people if they would just get laid once in a while. But they did not and so they were not.

But it was not so from the beginning. For God created them male and female and it was very, very, very good. For it is written “Woe unto them that call good evil and evil good.” It’s not the world’s fault that you’re unhappy because you’re doing it wrong.
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Sex

Announcing: Fundy Sex Week

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Here on SFL we’re going to spend the next couple of days talking about sex, drugs, and fundamentalism. But mostly we’ll talk about sex. And since this is talk about fundy sex, it’s guaranteed to be boring and unenjoyable but at least you know it’ll be over quickly.

Seriously, though, sex and sexual politics are a huge part of the human experience and it’s important that we face these issues head on (or in whatever other position you prefer). So I’m going to do my best to set aside the natural inclinations of my New England Puritan heritage to blush and hide when people talk about (whispering) s-e-x and get this party started.

One final note: I know that we do have parents of younger children and people who surf SFL from work or school. The content probably won’t get that risque (who knows, I haven’t written it yet) but just in case each post is going to be hidden when the page loads and will require you to click on a button to view it just to avoid any awkward questions from your boss or your fundy parents who are visiting for the weekend.