Category Archives: Sermons

Sermons

Top 10 Thing You’ll Hear Fundamentalist Pastors Say On Superbowl Sunday

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The teams are chosen, the date is fixed, and all that remains before the Superbowl is hearing your favorite fundy preacher bloviate about how wicked it all is.

10. Those players should be in church!

9. Your posters on your bedroom wall should be a pastor or missionary not some cursing, fornicating sports star.

8. Why don’t people get as excited about soulwinning as they do about football?

7. The rock and roll debauchery of the halftime shows just shows how far America has fallen.

6. At the Great White Throne Judgement, Jesus isn’t going to care how far you could throw a football. He’s going to ask you how much you tithed.

5. What if we spent all the money that we pay those football teams on missions instead?

4. You all will go to a ball game and scream and yell but you come to church and I can’t hardly get you to say “amen” or get excited at all!

3. Those cheerleaders are immodest harlots. And you men who lust after them should be ashamed of yourselves.

2. Most of you aren’t going to listen to a thing I said here and you’re going to run straight home and put the game on.

1. Honey, are those nachos done yet? The second half is about to start!

Preachers, Sermons

Popcorn Preaching

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If you’ve never heard of popcorn preaching it’s sort of like open mic night for young or less talented speakers to get up and “preach” for a few minutes. I’m always fascinated to watch teenage preacher boys develop their yelling style. They’re so earnest. And trying so hard.

You can tell this one is a star pupil by the way he doesn’t even bother to crack his Bible.

Other examples can be seen here and here

Sermons

How To Write A Sermon

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Step 1: Select a text. This can be done in any one of a thousand ways except consulting the Lectionary. After all, it’s much better to simply open your Bible at random and leave it up to random chance the unknowable movings of the Spirit than to have some other man telling you which verses to preach from. For the purposes of this example I have opened my own Bible and my finger is now fondling Psalm 22:7.

Step 2: Make it relevant. We know that all Scripture is profitable for doctrine. And what is doctrine really if not a way to make the hearers understand how to think and feel the right way about the current issues of the moment. Looking at our text we see the words “All they that see me laugh me to scorn.” Well if that’s not relevant then I don’t know what is since people are laughing Christians to scorn all the time these days, especially ones who stick to the old paths and have godly standards like the folks in our church.

Step 3: Illustrate. Now that we’ve got our verse and our topic, let’s come up with some real world examples that will help the common man in the pew (who is not overly gifted with insight like his preacher is) understand exactly what is being said here. For example if we’re talking about people laughing with scorn, then it’s the perfect time to tell the story of how those college kids on spring break wouldn’t even put down their beers long enough to hear me tell them how much God hates them. If you haven’t been in the ministry long enough to acquire some stories of your own just use ones from other people. In fact, you can buy a book of my own personal illustrations for only 27.99 in the church bookstore.

Step 4: Yell.

Step 5: Invitation.

No good sermon should ever take more than 20 or 30 minutes to write. If you’re spending more time than that, you’re doing it wrong and should probably just use the sermon that you heard a guy preach at that conference that one time.