Category Archives: Public Life

Doctrine, Public Life

Commandments Concerning Times Of Prayer

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And when it shall come to pass that thou shalt eat thy breakfast or begin any trip or shall be called upon to “close us out in a word of prayer” by thy pastor (if thou shalt be lucky enough to not be a women) that thou shalt heed the words which are written in this book that thy prayers and thy fundy cred be not hindered.

For when thou prayest thou shalt in no wise use words that have ever been used before in a prayer. For God shall only hear and answer prayers that are as different from each other as one snowflake is from another. And in the day that thou shalt use a prayer that has been ever said or written then shalt the Lord tell you that he’s already heard this one and ignore you as if you were a tattooed heathen or an Episcopalian.

And if when thou prayest thou shouldest have a creative lapse wherin thou canst not think of what to say next then shalt thou throw in the word “Lord” as a filler. For the Lord doth dearly love to hear his name used as punctuation and never wearies of it. And if thou art really stuck adding a few “Father God’s” or “Good God Almighty’s” might work too.

For when Our Lord taught his disciples to pray he gave them only an outline example which he never really expected them to use except as they might modifying it extemporaneously with much verbal clutter and a meandering purpose. Go and do thou likewise.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 3

Public Life

Warning Signs

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From time to time, people write me to ask whether I think this or that church or preacher fits the description of “fundamentalist,” “crazy fundamentalist,” or “likely-to-be-taken-into-custody-any-minute-now-for-their-own-protection fundamentalist.” To give some assistance in answering these queries for a fundamentalist taxonomy, I now provide you with the following list of warning signs that you might be in a fundy-style church…or possibly in an Amway convention — it’s sometimes hard to tell them apart.

So get out your pencil and score your church like this…

If your church is run by one man (regardless of actual position) who makes most of the decisions unilaterally without regard for the opinions of others or the consequences to individuals then yell “that’s my pastor!” and give yourself five points.

If your pastor spends more time talking about being “biblical” than he actually does reading and explaining actual Bible passages then give yourself three points and a poem and plan on bringing a nice book to read the next time you come to church.

If the people in your church would feel uncomfortable sharing Jesus with people while sitting in a bar then give yourself no points but do feel free to obtain and drink an adult beverage at some later date for your stomach’s sake.

If sermons preached from your pulpit consistently contain stories told by the speaker that cast himself as the hero and bring more glory to himself than Jesus then give yourself six points and bottle of whiteout to use on the signatures on your Bible cover.

If your church’s organized outreach program consists almost exclusively of cold calling and hard sell techniques involving scripted encounters where at least 2/3 of the people involved are wearing a tie then give yourself one point for each of the soul-winners involved then subtract one for every bogus decision card you managed to wrangle out of small children, deaf senior citizens, and folks who don’t even speak English.

If the last time you observed the Lord’s Supper (last Easter) you refused to serve it to any visitors because you couldn’t be sure they weren’t Catholics or opponents of the Second Amendment and then ended up not taking it yourself because you didn’t want to risk not confessing something, then give yourself one point for every fluid ounce of Welch’s that remained in the little plastic cups at the end of the service.

If your church refuses to sing Steve Green’s music in their choir until the songs have been “cleaned up” by removing the African drums and straightening out the off-beat bits then slowly give yourself one point then three points then another one then another three.

If your pastor is pretty sure that the Holy Spirit packed up his bags and went on vacation right after the Bible was finished being written (with brief return around 1611 to make sure it got translated right) then add one point for each member of the Trinity you’ve totally missed the point of.

If you’re a Christian who is so focused on keeping himself pure and clean from “the world” that you forget the second greatest commandment (and most of the other important ones too) and think that love is measured in the number of sermons you’ve yelled, and sinners you’ve condemned, and gospel tracts you’ve strewn around then award yourself the whole world. And lose your soul.

Because in the end, it’s people not the points that really matter.

People, Public Life

Bogeymen

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The lore of fundamentalism is rife with the terrifying specters of a thousand faceless enemies that threaten to destroy your life, wreck your home, pervert your children, and embarrass your pastor. These threatening figures come cloaked in all manner of cunning disguises. They look like your co-workers, your neighbors, and maybe even your own family members. They are the bogeymen of fundyland and the tales of their evil should keep you from ever straying too far from home.

There’s hardly a group that isn’t a card-carrying member this fearsome horde of evil. Why, if I stand upon the front porch of my house and gaze past our massive Scripture verse lawn signs, I can see the faces of the enemy all around me…

Look, right down there at the corner there’s the nice Catholic grandma who always waves hello to people and gives them cookie as she tries to send them to hell with her idolatry. Also I’m pretty sure that fruitcake she gives out at Christmas has alcohol in it. Every time she gives me one I hand her a tract about how wrong it is to worship Mary so hopefully I’m getting through…

And there is Miguel and his partner Jim. They always offer to cut my grass in the summer and shovel my walk in the winter time but I know that’s just their way of making me accept their filthy lifestyle that is going to be the ruination of our entire country. They do have a really nice lawn, though…

And then there’s that Nigerian family that just moved in on the other side of the street. The man said something about being an Anglican but I sure hope they’re not secretly bringing us any of that African voodoo. I’ll get my loudspeaker system and KJV Scourby tapes ready just in case we need to repel the darkness…

Well, I’d better get back inside now. One of the neighbors just started his car and I can hear it playing that terrible rap music nonsense. Better get inside and make sure the windows are closed so the kids aren’t exposed to it…

In fundyland a healthy dose of paranoia isn’t nearly enough. The bogeymen are everywhere.

Public Life

Missing The Obvious

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So if you were a legal eagle who was going to give some good advice to a room full of fundamentalists, what topics do you think you would cover given the national negative press that has plagued fundyland this year? Safeguarding children in your congregation? Mandatory reporting laws? Legal definitions of child abuse?

Or you could just pretend that the scandals just don’t exist and focus on some other equally important topics…

Of course! Obamacare and gays! If there are two more pressing issue for Christ’s church today I certainly can’t think of them. Can you?