The most coveted job in fundyland is, of course, that of being the Head Honcho, The Big Cheesy Grin, and the Man Who (Practically) Walks On Water: the Senior Pastor. But it is not everyone who can sit upon that throne or preach from behind that Sacred Desk. For many have The Call(TM) but fewer are actually chosen to lead. If you would be one of the congregation of the blessed, here are the paths you must follow.

1. Be The Son of a Preacher Man. The quickest way to ascend to a position of power is by birth. It’s even better if you actually have the same name as your father or grandfather. Neoptism is the divine right of Kings James Onlyists.

2. Marry the Daughter of a Preacher Man. This takes a bit more work and a few more years of preparation but the end result is much the same as being a blood relative. Consider the time of Jacob’s trouble and carefully count the cost.

3. Get into a highly-visible position at your Fundy U . Such positions include: Class President, Traveling Troubadour with a promotional group, or The Loudest Guy On The Street Preaching Team. If you’re trying this route it greatly helps if you’re good looking and dating a pretty potential preacher’s wife. People notice that stuff.

4. Win the Sermon Contest at your Fundy U. Seriously. That’s a thing.

5. Poison all the other preacher boys. Failing that you can at least poison people’s minds against them by accusing them all of being closet Calvinists.

6. Just wait and do the dirty work at somebody else’s church. This is a risky proposition since once you’re seen as a follower and not a leader chances are good that the church people will pass you by for someone else once your current pastor is gone.

7. Start your own brand new church. Steal people from other ministries. Profit.

Becoming a prominent pastor requires a little luck, a whole lot of political maneuvering, and lungs of leather. But almost every famous fundy has followed one of these seven steps to glory.