I don’t even know what to title this. I’m sure one of you can come up with something.
Category Archives: Fun and Games
Revivals
Once or twice a year, a fundamentalist church will hold a series of revival services. An evangelist or special speaker who is specially trained to give spiritual CPR will come into town and spend a few nights trying to get the church’s pulse going again. The fact that they are apparently so feeble that they needs periodic five-day-long jolts from a biblical defibrillator to keep them alive does not appear to bother fundies at all. They rather seem to enjoy it.
Revivals are a great time to combine a lot of fundy favorites: hard preaching, old fashioned altars, evangelist fish stories, and coming up with new things to feel guilty about. Throw in some special music and a few covered dish suppers and it’s a great time for everybody.
Another emphasis of revival services is bringing out lost people to hear the messages. This may strike some as odd since it would seem to be a contradiction in terms to try to ‘revive’ something that’s never been ‘vived’ in the first place. But the philosophy goes that if there’s preaching on sin going on, it’s a good idea to get a bunch of genuine sinners in to hear it. And there’s a reward Bible with your name on it if you can bring in the most.
Oh, Revive us again (and again, and again, and again).
The Mute Button
Ninety-nine percent of homes in America contain at least one television and most fundamentalists own a TV just like everyone else. The television watching experience in a fundy household is unique, however. For father (or sometimes mother) holds the remote in an iron fist and the mute button is his weapon of choice against the combined forces of bad language and worldly music.
Rock music is not to be tolerated in the fundamentalist home and the opening theme to the A-Team is no exception. With a flick of the thumb this temptation of the flesh is banished. Songs that are too peppy meet the same fate. No fundamentalist child ever makes it all the way through any Disney movie since Robin Hood without at least one song being either muted or fast-forwarded.
Likewise, bad language must be dealth with in the harshest of terms, lest children be tempted to say words such as “golly” and “dagnabit.’ Some fundamentalist go so far as to construct a “bleep book” complete with timestamps of the exact moments to mute and unmute the dialog. Purity must be maintained not matter what the cost to the plot.
One may be tempted to ask why fundametalists bother to watch shows at all if they find so much in them worthy of censoring. But you’ll have to ask it later, we’re almost back from commercial break and the TV is about to regain its voice.
Rook
If you happen to be on a fundamentalist college campus and see four guys hunched over a table with cards in their hands, more than likely you are in the presence of one of the the never-ending Rook games that frequent those hallowed halls.
In 1906, Parker Brothers shrewdly created Rook in answer to the Christian objections to games played with standard playing cards. Fundamentalist college students are forever in their debt. Indeed, many fundamentalists study the game of rook in all it’s variations with the same dedication that others study poker. Being a Rook shark is a high place of honor indeed.
So pull up a chair and prepare to bid or set. Call trump well, void as many colors as you can and hope you’re dealt the Rook. And give thanks that you too can enjoy the pleasures of a card game without risking your soul to the evils of playing cards.
Parker Brothers thanks you.
Roller Skating Outings
If you ever go on a fundamentalist youth group outing, chances are you’ll end up at the local roller rink. With so few non-worldly options to choose from for group entertainment, roller skating is a favorite activity in fundy circles.
Being fundamentalists, of course, they way they roller skate is little different from the rest of the population — if there even is anybody in the general population who still roller skates.
Since skirts are much more modest than pants when a girl is falling down in front of everyone, they are required. Alternatively a pair of stylish culottes may be worn. The music selections will also be unique, consisting of the most popular dance music from three-hundred years ago and (if it gets really wild and crazy) Southern Gospel quartets.
So strap on your roller skates and prepare to be thrilled by awkward flirting from the other fundamentalist teens. And be oh, so thankful that your church has rented out the entire roller rink and nobody else is there to witness you in a pair of culottes.