All posts by Darrell

Doctrine

Ignoring Biblical Genre

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bibleFundamentalist tend to assume that since all Scripture is profitable for doctrine, all Scripture can be handled in the exact same way. Want to defend your evangelism techniques from Proverbs? Go ahead! Want to base part of your soteriology on an obscure passage from Psalms? Help yourself!

Poetry, parable, prose, prophecy — those are just labels given to texts by liberal professors who want to confuse people. Just read a verse and let the Spirit move. Everything from the most trivial details from parables to the strangest acts of minor prophets is up for grabs when the fundamentalist needs a proof text to support some preconceived notion.

In fact the only time that genre comes into play at all is when something comes up that makes a fundy preacher uncomfortable. For example, take all that sex talk in Song of Solomon. To fundamentalists this is obviously a deeply shrouded poetic picture of Christ and the Church. To prove it all you have to do is cross-reference a few verses from Malachi and 3rd John…

Baptists, Doctrine

Claiming Not To Be Religious

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“Are you one of those religious folks?,” asked the man’s co-worker casually. “I see you carrying that Bible to work every day and praying over your meals…out loud.”

“No sir!,” said the fundamentalist stiffly, “What I’ve got is not religion. No indeed, what I’ve got is a belief in the Bible about the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, and a relationship with God through daily devotions and church attendance and times of remembrance during the Lord’s supper and last but not least the keeping a strict code of moral law as laid out in Scripture.”

“Oh.” said the co-worker. “Sounds like a religion to me…”

Odds and Ends

Prophet’s Chambers

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prophetschamberFundamentalist missionaries, evangelists, and traveling speakers are well acquainted with the phenomenon of the prophet’s chamber. The prophet’s chamber is ostensibly a few rooms set aside to accommodate itinerant folks who are visiting the church for a short time. The name comes from the Old Testament era as does most of the furniture donated for the visitors to use.

Just about any space can be given the title of prophet’s chamber. It may be a room or two in the bowels of the church basement, a room above a deacon’s garage, or even an ancient travel trailer parked out back. (“You’ll have to walk down to the church building to use the bathroom. Make sure you dress warmly, it’s supposed to be -37 tonight.”)

By Baptist law, the prophet’s chamber must also contain at least one 1960’s era pull-out couch bed guaranteed to ensure that the occupant will need chiropractic care immediately after leaving. Thankfully, there will also be at least two copies of Israel My Glory, a Sword Scrapbook, and a book of sermons by John R. Rice on the nightstand available for use if the guests have problems falling asleep.

Elijah only wishes that he could have had such creature comforts.

Doctrine

Non-Charismatic Divine “Leadings”

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rushhourIndependent Baptist proudly stand against charismatics and all their happy-clappy hand-raising praise-and-worship mumbo jumbo. They also firmly state that the time of God’s direct revelation through sign gifts is at an end and that God only talks to us now through the Scriptures as illumined by the Holy Spirit.

The exceptions to this rule would be those times when He reveals to a fundamentalist that they should take an alternate route home to avoid a car crash or that they should marry a specific person or perhaps that they should give their last ten dollars in the offering since there’s a yet undiscovered envelope of cash in small unmarked bills waiting in their mailbox at home.

These revelations are excused as being non-verbal ‘urgings’, ‘leadings’, and the like but NOT actual words or voices like those crazy Pentecostals. How one can get specific driving direction from a non-specific urging is a bit fuzzy.

God no longer gives us extra-Biblical revelation — but he does tell fundies things that are specifically about their situation that are strangely missing from the pages of Scripture.

education, Music, Sermons

Preaching Contests

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scorecardsEven though the school year is still early in the Fall semester, things are already heating up in the annual Ebenezer Baptist College  sermon contest with preacher boys looking forward to smiting their opponents on the church platform.

This year sees two formidable contenders emerging from the field of expository behemoths: Reginald “Reggie” McDonald, a pastoral ministries senior from Wichita, Kansas and Zedekiah Hosea Buckwalter, a missions major from Flint, Michigan. With such a strong matchup there’s likely to be more than a little blood, sweat, and tears shed on the oak wood of the  sacred desk.

“It’s all about crafting the perfect words,” said Buckwalter in a recent interview with Preacher Boy Monthly. “I’ve been working on my delivery ever since my freshman speech devotional and it’s almost perfect now.”

But Reggie disagrees about the method. “It’s not about delivery, it’s simply a matter of how much of the Holy Spirit you have,” argued McDonald. “Other than maybe the pastor himself, nobody on campus has as much of the Holy Spirit as I do. That’s just a fact.”

Neither contender would reveal the content of their sermon, although historically sermons on sin have always been favored in the contest. “A little lust goes a long way in a sermon,” explained a Bible faculty member who asked to stay anonymous, “Preaching on sin takes less preparation overall and as long as you stay on familiar topics like adultery, alcohol, and abortion, it’s easy to get the audience responding to you too. It also gives the preacher a chance to yell. Volume is always good for a few easy points.”

As always, scouts from major Baptist churches around the country have been  attending the semi-final “preach-offs” to recruit fresh talent. First round draft picks are often immediately placed as head pastor of a mid-sized congregation, while later picks are inevitably forced to start as volunteer assistant youth ministers and part-time Christian school gym teachers.

Thanks to Bill for this reminder of a piece that I wrote some time ago.