Rather than have a centralized mission board like other denominations use, fundamentalists have at last count one and a half bajillion missions boards — most of which are located in an around the South-Eastern United States. Greenville, South Carolina alone has more missions agencies than there are new countries created from the former USSR. There are also some fundy missionaries forgo using a mission board all together, deciding rather to go to the field without the help (or training) of a missions agency. Missionary school? I don’t need no stinkin’ missionary school!
Since there is no requirement that fundamentalist churches contribute to any given person or organization, it’s up to each congregation to decide how much they want to give. In many fundy churches they do this by a process called “Faith Promise.” Basically this involves each person making a wild guess and then putting God on the hook for the funds. Promising to give more money than I can afford and assuming that God will make up the shortfall is apparently a great act of faith. Are you a retiree on social security? Go ahead an pledge $1000 per month. I’m sure God’s good for it.
Based on these guesses, the church puts together its budget for missionary support and promises missionaries that they will be sent a certain amount each month — with no guarantee that they will, in fact, be able to pay it. This is called “living by faith” and allegedly gives the missionary great spiritual maturity and more than a few ulcers when paying his bills.
It’s strange that pastors don’t operate their salaries on this same principle by giving away all the church budget and only living on the extra that God brings in. There’s a fine line between faith and foolishness.
Every fundamentalist knows that all public schools are bastions of devil-worship and endless drug-fueled orgies. The public schools are obviously a mess because after prayer was removed from them by the Supreme Court, real Christians stopped going there. And in a feat of perfect circular logic it then follows that (unless they are protesting something) real Christians should stay far away from public schools since only infidels attend and teach there. This is know as being “in the world but not of it.”
To solve the problem of how to educate their children, fundamentalists in a church of any decent size will inevitably start a school. Often times these schools have neat rules that require the parents of students to be members of the church in order to keep the riff-raff out. Unfortunately, government regulation has stepped in here as well to prevent many of these schools from carrying out biblical corporal punishment on children for offenses such as not raising their hands before talking in class or wearing the wrong colored socks with their uniform. It is obviously the age of Laodicea when you can’t even whip a child at school anymore.
For the most part fundamentalist schools run just about like any other school with the exception of having a pledge to the Christian flag, having chapel services ever day, and having a curriculum from the greatest minds that non-accredited fundamentalist colleges have ever produced. This curriculum is in turn taught by top-flight teachers who earn less than the pay at a good fast-food job.
Never fear, these schools are sure to give students have all the tools they need for a successful career at the basement bible college of their choosing. ab ove maiori discit arare minor
Nobody doubts that music is powerful stuff. It can delight you or sadden you or (if accompanied by the right set of words) make you want to buy large amounts of laundry detergent.
Fundamentalists take this principle even one step further by proclaiming that unless used in Southern Gospel music, placing the beat anywhere but the 1st and 3rd note causes involuntary muscle movement that results in dancing, pregnancy, dyed green hair, and referring to ones father as “my old man.”
What’s more these “unnatural” rhythms cause your body’s normal function to break down causing the heart to beat at an unnatural pace. Even house plants (who at last check don’t have hearts) will shrivel up and die if exposed to these awful “rock” beats — especially if you’re too busy dancing and getting pregnant to water them.
Putting the beat on the 2 and 4 causes the body to release endorphins which are also what moths secrete when they want to have sex. No…wait, those are called pheromones. Anyway, endorphins are something chemical and most likely something more or less like heroin which accounts for why these awful beats are so popular even if they do make the listener’s heart beat in unnatural ways.
It’s a wonder anyone survives a trip to to supermarket…
Johnny the Baptist is a self-proclaimed “serminator” and “Born Again Devils Fighter.”
His pitch for his services as revivalist extraordinaire is made thus:
Why have fire cracker revivals when you can have Dynamite! How are you going to have a Hot Revival using Preachers that are as cold as a cast iron commode and you wonder why people don’t want to sit through fives nites. Call Bro Johnny
Be sure to check out his book “Revival Sermons That Will Fire You Up or Get You Fired” and his theme song.
(Warning, turn down your speakers when you click for they will be overtaken by a very strange voice intro).
A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.
Every fundamentalist knows that all public schools are bastions of devil-worship and endless drug-fueled orgies. The public schools are obviously a mess because after prayer was removed from them by the Supreme Court, real Christians stopped going there. And in a feat of perfect circular logic it then follows that (unless they are protesting something) real Christians should stay far away from public schools since only infidels attend and teach there. This is know as being “in the world but not of it.”
