All posts by Darrell

FWOTW: gcbi.org

gulfcoastbible Do you want to get a degree for ministry but don’t want to bother learning Greek, Hebrew, or even English Grammar? Have we got the place for you!

Gulf Coast Bible Institute provides the following courses that are indispensable for any fundamentalist preacher boy who is headed into the ministry.

CL-018 Overcoming Sinful Habits (3 Credits)
BI-009 Music Evaluation (2 Credit)
TS-024 Sins of the last days (1 Credit)
CL-006 Conquer Impure Thoughts (.5 Credits)

If you’re a woman you can take:
LA-001 Spiritual Needs of Husbands in lieu of BI-003 Preaching Techniques.

They do NOT, however, give out honorary degrees. Pity.

Second Birthdays

Cupcake with Two CandlesIf you’ve ever been asked what your birth date is and responded like this “My birthday is August 13th and my spiritual birthday is June 18th”…you’ve probably been a fundamentalist.

Knowing the date of your second birthday is imperative. If that day and hour are not emblazoned on your consciousness then there’s a good possibility that you didn’t really, really, really mean it. Since really, really meaning it is what actually gets you saved, not knowing the specifics may mean you never were.

If you ever find yourself having lost your salvation date do not panic. There is always a chance to get saved again just to be sure; just be careful not to take a chance on losing it this time by writing down today’s date in the front of your Bible for safe keeping. Then make sure to carry that Bible with at all times. You never know when some other fundamentalists will ask your birthdays.

Submissive Women

woman-symbolWomen have little official voice in fundamentalism. Look at any list of famous fundies and names will exclusively be male. (Those men will also all be white but that’s a topic for another day.) Women serve a few functions within the fundamentalist church including Sunday School teacher, nursery worker, and piano player. If you ever want to see a fundamentalist squirm, ask him if his church has the biblical office of deaconess.

The rules regarding what women can do are many and complex. Not only must married women submit to their husbands but unmarried women may need to submit to their boyfriend, unless the boyfriend is in contention with the woman’s father and then of course the person who makes the final decision is…her male pastor since he is submitted to by everybody anyway.

As with any fundamentalists rule there is a great degree of nuance. For example, women can teach Spanish to men but not Greek or Hebrew to preacher boys. Women missionaries may teach men as long as the men’s skin is at least 3 shades darker than her own. A female fundy may also lead a teen choir in song but not an adult congregation. She can make meals for the church covered dish supper but not serve out the crackers and Welch’s for communion.

If you believe that the only reason Deborah was chosen to be a prophetess was that there weren’t any men available to do the job, you might be a fundamentalist.

Planting A Seed

BPSTo their credit, fundamentalists are big believers in outreach. No matter how many times they are rejected, laughed at, spit on, or have a door slammed shut they just keep right on going. In fact, they keep on going even when it’s apparent to everyone but them that what they’re doing is having no positive effect whatsoever. When the witnessing method du jour is bearing no visible results, fundies will inevitably say that they are at least “planting a seed.”

Are you holding up Bible verse signs at a racetrack? Planting a seed!

Are you preaching from the back of a moving pickup truck? Planting a seed!

Are you yelling at cars at an intersection during the heat of summer when people have their windows up, their A/C on, and their music playing and couldn’t for the life of them tell whether you’re preaching the gospel or expounding theories about flying saucers? Planting a Seed!

Bumper Stickers? Yard Signs? Tracts strewn about like confetti? All are planting a seed. At least they might be. Sorta. Maybe.

Faith cometh by hearing. Evidently fundies don’t stop to consider that maybe it doesn’t work so well if all the people are hearing is the annoying buzz of obsolete or obnoxious techniques.

Yelling at traffic and calling it witnessing is about as ingenious as construction workers yelling at women as they pass and calling it courtship.