Holidays

Bragimony

61 Comments

On this the most thankful time of year I’d like to share a few of the things for which I am truly grateful.

I’m thankful for our standards high that keep us clean and pure
I’m thankful for the KJV which ever will endure

I’m thankful that my clothes are picked by Biblical command
I’m thankful that our chuch has a piano not a band

I’m thankful for our preacher who is awfully good at yelling
I’m thankful for the table where his latest book is selling

I’m thankful for the potluck fare that soon will fill my plate
I’m thankful that mere gluttony is not a sin we hate

I’m thankful for the souls I’ve won by knocking random doors
I’m thankful that my crowns will be more numerous than yours.

But of the greatest thanks that ere have graced my tongue or pen,
I thank Thee most that I am not like other sinful men. (Or even this Publican)

61 thoughts on “Bragimony”

  2. Very well done, Darrell, all the way through and culminating with the ironic Scriptural allusion.

  3. I’m thankful for my manly hair, so short so people know
    That I’m not a dirty hippie from forty years ago.

    I’m thankful for the internet and for my DVD,
    But I won’t go to the movies so you don’t know what I see!

    1. Wow. Now I’ll spend all day wondering how to pronounce “band” and “command” so they don’t rhyme. How do you do it?

      1. “Band” – is pronounced the short a-sound.

        “Command” – is pronounced with the long a-sound.

        Unfortunately, I think that in north American Englishes, there are no examples of “and” words where the long a-sound is used. In UK English both “demand” and “command” use the long a-sound.. I’d have to think about it more to find others. Most use the short a-sound.

        2. Actually it isn’t a long a-sound. That would be words like acorn and able. Wand and British command/demand have more of a long “o” sound – “Ah”.

        3. So it’s “baaand” versus “commahnd”?
          I’d still say that rhymes, although it’s not as perfect a rhyme as “band” and “stand,” or “commahnd” and “wand.”

        4. Hmm…

          I’ve been upstairs in the studio, trying to get this advent vestment project done on time, and I have the VCR/DVD player going pretty constantly. Last week it was all of my Merchant Ivory films, etc, and Harry Potter. Well, I pick up accents very easily, in this case just a faint British accent. Well, I had a meeting with a lawyer the other day, and part way through he got an odd look on his face and said

          “Where are you from?”
          “Well, I was raised in the Puget Sound area, and I’ve been in Oregon since 1985.”
          “You have an accent. Are your parents British?”

          I was puzzled for a moment, and then laughed.
          “British movies. I’ve been sort of on a marathon.”
          He was right. Mouth down close, vowels slightly different, and consonants with a bit of a clip.

          This week? West Wing reruns. No accent, but my roommate says I move Like Sam and Josh. 😀

        6. Liutgard: Watch some Bollywood movies next. You’ll be tilting your head while spinning and singing next time you see the lawyer!

  8. A LOVELY, LIMPID LITANY

    Thank God I’m not a smoker or a drinker or a slut,
    That I don’t read The New York Times or other filthy smut.

    I thank the Lord my wife wears skirts,
    And only modest, closed-toed shoes,
    Please keep me safe from all the things that might confuse
    My mind, like high school girls and other shameless flirts.

    Thank God that I’m in church on Sunday morning, noon, and night,
    For if I just stay here long enough, I’m sure to see some light.

    Don’t let me be like other men, or women (even worse)
    Who still have doubts about the great big universe.
    My MOG will keep me safe from harm and indigestion,
    As long as I believe his words, and never, never question.

  9. Thinking about that first line – it captures one of the primary errors of the IFB. They really do think their standards keep them pure when it’s only the blood of Christ.

    1. It’s because they’re demonstrable.

      I had a similar conversation on the ex-pente forum recently. We were talking about the fixation on the ‘sign gifts’, and the adherence to external rules. Thing is, the only genuine evidence of the Spirit’s indwelling is listed in Galatians- love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. But just look at the list! That’s tough stuff! Why deal with that when you can fake speaking in tongues and be though a spiritual giant? Babble on Sunday mornings, measure the skirt length of the woman next to you, sniff at others’ tithing records, and you don’t have to go to the trouble of learning to love them.

      The real fruits are internal, and can’t be faked. The external things can be faked, and over 40mumbledymumble years I’ve come to have a healthy skepticism for those external things.

  10. I thank the Lord that I have been
    An upright, moral bastion
    To stave off all those liberal souls
    who straight to hell have cast us.

    For I am not, as those might be,
    a liberal democrat –
    For here am I, oh look at me,
    the pompous fundy ***hat!

    (my apologies to all those liberal democrats, of whom I also count myself a member)

    1. Ah, Dr. Seuss!

      Here goes:

      I do not like this strange website.
      I do not like the things you write.

      I do not like the way you mock.
      I think that this is sinful talk.

      I will not hear the things you say.
      I do not think this is God’s way.

      I will note read the Word you cite.
      I know you cannot have it right.

      I love my church, my KJV,
      My Man-of-God – I love all three.

      I do not like this SFL.
      I fear you’re on your way to hell.

      1. OK – two extra couplets in my own voice:

        I do not like you, George, one bit.
        Stop messing with the words I’ve writ.

        I meant to write “not”, not write “note”.
        Now keep your hands off what I wrote.

  13. I am thankful, it is true
    My rules make me holier than you.

    I am thankful for you see,
    God most loves Americans like me.

    I am thankful. You should learn,
    To be a Baptist so you won’t burn.

  15. I will assume you spelled church “chuch” on puhpuss due to how some preachahs say “I’m goin’ ta CHuCH, bless gawd!”

  16. Wow this is so spot on! I go back and forth between being completely amused by the posts in this blog, and being very saddened by the truth they contain. 🙁 I suppose if no one in my life was still in fundyland (mother, etc..) it would be only amusing.

  17. Well, isn’t that a PTSD-inducing little rhyme? 😈

    Reminds me of so many, “I’m so thankful for our preacher, who isn’t afraid to step on toes and tell it like it is. I’m thankful for our little, Fundamental, Bible-believing, old-fashioned ‘BABDIST’ church, where sin is sin [*cough*unless it’s gluttony*cough*] and we still have standards.” bragimonies.

    Barf.

  18. I thank God I’m not a fundy hater, as many on here are.
    I keep my mind tightly closed, lest it should be ajar
    And let in through that tiny hole, a shining ray of light
    No, I’ll Just As I Am, happy to know I’m right.

    1. George! That last line should be “No, I’ll stay Just As I Am, happy to know I”m right.”

  19. But for the grace of God
    I could have been a Presbyterian.
    They are so liberal
    I don’t even think they are American!

    Or worse than that,
    I could have been a Methodist.
    They are even more liberal,
    I think you get my gist.

    Or, God forbid
    I may have become a Lutheran.
    According to my MOG,
    They are the modern denomination of Satan.

    But no, not me,
    I’m fundy to the core.
    And when it comes to tithing,
    My MOG shouts more, More, MORE!

        3. The first church I ever was a member of had a Narthex that they actually called a Narthex. Don’t think I’ve heard that word hardly at all for over 20 years. Thanks for using it! 😎

        1. It’s a fair cop!

          (No really- my everlasting shame as a medievalist is that I cannot pass Latin to save my life. Homeworks and such are fine, can’t pass exams. I did pass Anglo-Saxon, but that was in a different department, so go figure.)

  21. naw, naw, naw…. Don let me on hiz ‘peuter and I’d like tuh reesponde.

    Whar’s thuh verse ’bout bein’ thank-full that we wuz borned ‘n ‘Merica, the world’s onliest Christian Nation cause we speak 1611 King James Anglish! I mean butt fur the grace o’ Gawd we cudda ben C’naddean or werse… Mexecan. Naw, you knead ta go bak and reerite a vurse bean thankfull you is ‘Merican. – Don’z cuzin “Elmer P” Bobby E. Lee Dowd

    2. “butt fur”? Is that akin to “butt dust”?

      Preacher praying – “Lord, Thou knowest we are but dust.”

      Little girl asking loudly – “Mommy, what is BUTT DUST?”

      😯

      :mrgreen:

  24. A “thanksgiving” post showed up on my Facebook feed from a “young, restless, and reformed” friend that was more of a bragimony. The said she was thankful she is part of a ministry that pickets abortion clinics and because of her work this weekend they stopped 2 abortions. They even knew how far along the women were and why they were pregnant (both women were there because they lead immoral and foolish lifestyles in college- their supposed actual words!)

    Unfortunately, they could not stop another woman. She had an abortion and then apparently provided a surprisingly high amount of detail of her own life. She sounded like she was right out of a tract story.

    The whole post had an tone of “how awesome are we?” and “don’t you just pity those wicked girls?” Fortunately, I’m fairly sure none of this actually happened.

    1. I think this is the moral equivalent of the Publicans, praying loudly on the street corners. “Look how holy I am!”

      Sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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