Odds and Ends

Ministry Report: Persecution!

80 Comments

Dear Supporter:

Brothers and sisters I’m writing today with a word of warning about the terrible state of the present world we live in. The foolish mind of the world has been darkened with apathy of the age of Laodicea and the prince of the power of the air has set himself in dread array against us. Even here in America, a country that was founded by Christians who were fleeing persecutions, persecution has come to our very own shores.

This past week we went out to preach against sin and ungodliness so we went down to the beach where there were men and women who were drinking and cursing and smoking and fornicating (or at least they were obviously thinking about it which is the same thing) and indulging in all manner of ungodliness. Brother Bob and I set up our loud speakers off the back of my pickup truck and we began to preach that hell was going to be hot if they didn’t get their act together and put down their beer and start wearing clothes that covered up the nakedness of their knees. Bob preached for about ten minutes from Psalm 69 but no sooner had he announced his text than the scorners and mockers began to laugh and jeer and make jokes I didn’t understand.

A few minutes after that the police (who, mind you, won’t even come out and take care of my complaints about my neighbor’s rap music so you can see their bias) showed up to prove again that they work for this world’s corrupt system by telling us that we didn’t have a permit to use loudspeaker equipment here. So I asked them if Peter or Paul or Jonah needed a permit to preach to which they replied that those people didn’t have loudspeakers either which shows that the police have become nothing more than the soldiers of Babylon. So after they told us to shut up or leave, Bob left off with Psalms and started preaching on the First Amendment instead for a while until a lady policeman unplugged his microphone and put him in handcuffs thereby violating both his constitutional rights and the natural order of biblical authority.

So after they stuck Bob in their car I decided that there was no point in both of us going to jail since someone needed to survive to tell the story of how much this world hates God and Jesus and the Constitution. I just weep when I think about what has happened to this country where you can’t even tell sinners about hell anymore without being thrown in jail. The time of the end of the world draweth nigh but until then we’ll need to take up an offering to pay Bob’s lawyer.

Your pastor laboring in the white fields,

Dr. George H. Huldenberg

80 thoughts on “Ministry Report: Persecution!”

    1. Lol this article is so typical IFB! 😆 I like how he had to say “jokes I didn’t understand” so that he insinuates that he doesn’t really understand the dirty comments made at him.

      I wonder where he went to the beach? If he’s here in FL then I may have to have some fun if I see them around our beaches. 😈

      LOVE the “offering to pay Bob’s lawyer”! :mrgreen:

      1. Loud Speakers on the back of the truck: Yes this has been used in the past and was a favorite Saturday morning activity outside the local ABC (State run alcohol stores in NC) stores. A pickup, a guitar, a portable sound system, and some fundie fanatics preaching and calling out those sinners going in to that den of iniquity to buy the demon alcohol.

        As for the police? Yep, after a night of handing out Chick tracts we were approached by the police and searched. Seems they had gotten an anonymous phone call that two suspicious guys were dealing drugs on the street corner down at the soup kitchen. After the search and a friendly conversation we were free to go.

        (Now as Paul Harvey used to say “Stand by for the Rest… of the story.)
        I am now convinced that the preacher I was with at the time made the anonymous call himself. I believe he did it for my benefit at the time so that he would have a witness regarding how we had suffered for doing gawd’s work. I mean this guy was a con artist of the first magnitude. Financially he ran the church in the ground, he perpetuated a reign of terror at the church by fabrication a legend that he was being persecuted by a cabal of militant homosexuals in the community and it was this gay mafia that had burnt down his house (I guess he was the godfather then since he was the arsonist) and for several years he built his legend of being the persecuted pastor. He was shot twice. (yeah, self inflicted both times) The church was vandalized and had a fire as well… and We the sheeple fully cooperated in his lie. We were invested in this man, we had been so brainwashed that it was impossible to think that a Man of God could be anything other than God’s hand chosen messenger and that what we were seeing was persecution and spiritual warfare. (an yes he is in jail now for another arson and attempted murder)

        So, is Darrell’s story satire or Poe’s law? The truth is stranger than fiction… and the thing that makes satire so powerful are the nuggets of truth you find there.

        1. What a truly awful saga! I believe it, too; I have had a pastor like that. Wolves in sheep’s clothing, and the other sheep just let him run…

        2. If you can get a group of homosexuals to do anything in cooperation with each other, let alone keep it secret, you’ll be doing better than the whole Gay Rights movement over the last 50 years.

        3. I’m a proctologist by trade, but I’m pretty sure my buddy the psychologist has a name for that kind of behavior. More than one actually. We mock behavior like this and to some sense deservedly so, but I actually feel sorry for a man like that. Imagine for a moment the absolutely pitiful life he must have.

  8. Dear “Dr.” H: You compromised your redneck cred by adding the word truck immediately following pickup. Having been raised in a highly redneck area, the truck part is redundant.
    Sincerely,
    laurat99

    3. And as they pronounce it in my husband’s neck of the woods, it is a “Pickemup” (However I doubt they can spell, so it wouldn’t translate to print as that.)

    4. In my area “pickup” and “truck” were used interchangably for the same type of vehicle. And I grew up in a very redneck area as well.

      1. In my nebberhood, pickuptruck is one word. The u and the p are barely pronounced with a slight glottal stop before the t. Try pronouncing it real fast now. Picka’truck 😛

    5. I grew up in the Pee Dee Region of South Carolina so I trust you will forgive me for asking that you define the term “red neck area.”

  9. True stuff is the funniest! Well, I mean, this might as well be true, since it so easily could be… Poe’s law and all that, you know. 😆

    1. This one has me Poe’d. It’s a lot less insane than some of the mailings I’ve seen that were sent out in all seriousness by actual Fundamentalists. Probably not enough spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors to be real, though. Also not enough gratuitous citations of Bible verses.

  10. I was doing fine, enjoying the read, until I got to the part about “the natural order of biblical authority.” 😀

  11. This is not seriously true, is it? Or is this like the twitter stuff below….Take an offering to pay Bob’s lawyer? Covering the nakedness of the knees? What? Wow, I’ve been in IFB circles for a while, but this is just asinine.

    1. Just saw the Doctor Who where Queen Victoria kept referring to Rose’s Nakedness. Made me think of Fundies. 😀

  12. That line got me laughing: “thereby violating both his constitutional rights and the natural order of biblical authority.”

  13. Good one Darrell. Or should I call you Poe? 😆

    So I thought there may have been a hidden joke in the name of this persecuted pastor. I googled his name. It appears he only exists in the wonderfully twisted world of stufffundieslike.com.

  14. There is a certain amount of truth in that the police often will not do anything about noise complaints over music. I know that in the first home me and my wife lived in, there were some poeple across the street that alwyas blared their stereo late into the night during the summer, the police were called numerous times and they would drive by and that was it. The music never diminished. But they actually tried to shut down a youth camp several years in a row because of one woman, who was the only person that lived next to the camp. I have to wonder, if I complained about the rock festival that two blocks from my house, would you all support shuting them down? I mean it is disturbing the peace of my home enviroment. Or does it only apply to preachers and churches?

    2. I really feel for you if the peace and quiet in your home has been disrupted. I know what that is like and it is not fun.
      However, there is no conspircay within the government or any police agency to prevent the preaching of God’s word. None. Zero. And there never will be regardless of what the local IFB preacher says from the pulpit.

      1. The only conspiracy within 99.9% of the government is to quietly do their jobs while offending as few people as possible, thereby protecting your tax dollars from being used to defend themselves against jackasses who want to take them to court for doing said jobs.

    3. I’ve been there with the loud music blaring across the street or next door and especially from a car parked at a red light next to me, where you can’t escape. It’s frustrating. I’ve had to call the police and they will investigate but it usually does little good. 😕

      1. Guilty of the car part… 😳 😀 but my music is AWESOME! No hip hop swearing noise.

      2. During my Fundy days, when we were in that situation we would just put on some preaching or fundy music and blare it back at them.

    4. We live in a duplex. When we first moved in, the woman who lived on the other end and worked at the same Fundy organization as my parents informed us that the neighbors in the house next to our end were bad neighbors because they had wild parties every weekend. She also strongly implied the parties involved illegal activities.

      These neighbors have a swimming pool. Their children and grandchildren come over every Saturday. In good weather, they have a swim and a cookout in their fenced-in back yard. If I stand on the edge of the property and listen carefully, I can hear conversation, and occasional laughter, but it’s not loud enough to make out the words. I can sometimes hear bits of music, but the only time I heard enough to recognize the song, it was a Beatles tune. One of the mellower ones. If I’m indoors, I can’t hear any sound at all from their parties, even with all the windows open. I have never actually seen anyone drinking beer over there, but they have a clock in their garage with a beer logo, so they must be a wild bunch!

      The grandfather has a snowplow on his pickup, and whenever it snows, he plows our driveway for free, just to be neighborly. The Fundy neighbor, OTOH, had already fenced off her side of the back yard and half of our side for a garden, and was always coming up with schemes to take more.

  16. So now we finally know George’s last name! George of all the typos, we love ya George!

    I’ll donate 5 bucks to the Bob’s lawyer fund, anyone else with me? :mrgreen:

  17. “…but until then we’ll need to take up an offering to pay Bob’s lawyer.”

    Until then, my heart will go on singing,
    Until then, with joy, I’ll carry on,
    Until the day my eyes behold that city,
    Until the day God calls me home.

    (Hymn for Bob)

  18. In my town, there’s a man who stands on street corners in an orange traffic vest, surrounded by Bible verse signs about the wicked perishing, holding up a Bible and waving mechanically to the traffic. Every time I see him, I want to stop and ask him what he is trying to accomplish and what fruit he has seen from his “ministry”.

    1. Heather, if you ever do ask him, let us know what his answers are.

      At least he’s wearing a safety vest …

    2. Has anyone ever heard that Fundy urban legend about the guy in Sydney, Australia on George St. that passed out tracts for 40 years and never heard of any fruit until he was old and unable to pass out tracts anymore, and a preacher came to visit him and told him that over the last 5 years as he traveled and preached around the world he met dozens of people that claimed to have gotten saved as a result of a man giving them a tract on George Street? (Sorry, longest sentence ever)

      I bet he probably believes that he is “touching” people and just won’t know how many people he’s touched until Judgment Day. While I think people can help direct others towards Christ, I’m not sure standing on the side of the road holding up hateful signs is the most effective way to do so…

  21. Psalm 69 might be a good one to read at the beach:

    1 “Save me, O God;
    for the waters are come in unto my soul.
    2 “I sink in deep mire,
    where there is no standing:
    “I am come into deep waters,
    where the floods overflow me. …”

  22. Yep! When it comes to real persecution of Christians, America is becoming as bad as North Korea, Afghanistan, Iran and Saudi Arabia……

    1. Oh, absolutely. You’re not allowed to listen to Christian music, there are no Christian radio or tv stations, you can’t wear a religious necklace or t-shirt. There are no Christian schools or colleges…..oh, wait.

    1. you’re too funny, and now I’m blushing after my minute-long laugh, more than a snicker

  24. This is not anything close to real!!! I didn’t catch any spelling errors or use of all caps! But, still good stuff! 😀

  25. Not to be picky, but you made a mistake. You called the police officer a “lady” and you KNOW that if she was wearing “britches” she wasn’t no LADY!

  27. Ha ha ha, too many flash backs flooding my soul. I have no tolorance for those that preach in public and cry their tales of persecution. Forcing their fundy rules on people is no different than bullying.

  29. I was part of a fairly hardcore campus ministry when I was a student at a state university years ago. One evening we appropriated a common area for our meeting (which included music, guitar playing, etc.) The manager of the facility properly shut down the meeting when we could not produce the required permit. Our leader then began to cry persecution by the world, and that this was a sure sign the End Times were upon us. Even then I was thinking to myself: “What’s the big deal? They know better than this! It’s not as though we were denied a permit–we never applied in the first place!”

    Some people get so locked into the ‘persecution’ frame of mind that even a student building manager can be morphed into a rubber-hose-wielding secret policeman with little effort.

  30. LOL this was awesome. My favorite line:

    “So I asked them if Peter or Paul or Jonah needed a permit to preach to which they replied that those people didn’t have loudspeakers either which shows that the police have become nothing more than the soldiers of Babylon.”

  31. So if I were Bob, I would have a big problem with George letting me go to jail for something that was likely his idea.

  32. “Even here in America, a country that was founded by Christians who were fleeing persecutions, persecution has come to our very own shores.”

    I hate to break it to him (not really), but those Puritan founders were the first perpetrators of actual religious persecution against the Quakers and Catholics. Just saying.

    Gotta love the “do a ridiculous thing that everyone’s on and then shout that the negative consequences are persecution because EVERYBODY HATES TEH TRUE CHRISTIANS!!!!11!!1!

    1. I agree with Renee. The Pilgrims didn’t come here to establish religious freedom. The came here to impose their own brand of heresy on mankind.

  34. “. . . God and Jesus and the Constitution” Good to know that that is the order of things. 🙄

    1. Reminds me of the Mormon “Judgment Day.” God, Jesus, and Joseph Smith. Hmmm….

  36. “…until a lady policeman unplugged his microphone and put him in handcuffs thereby violating both his constitutional rights and the natural order of biblical authority.”

    😆 😀 😆 😀

    I laughed so hard! I love it!

    1. Wait. I just realized something. Is he implying that he should have been putting her in handcuffs?

  37. How about preach in the church and witness with your life, not with a loud speaker yell preaching at people. Jesus went and preached in public, but there were no churches, he had no place during those times and He preached to FOLLOWERS. God wants to save that which is lost, but people have to know they are lost first. Do you really believe that this type of “witnessing” is working?

Comments are closed.