Sex

Fundy Sex Week Day 6: Afterglow

84 Comments

I’m fully aware that it would be impossible for me to sum up the entirety of human sexuality in fundamentalism in half a dozen posts. On the other hand, some of you are probably relieved that I’m going to shut up about sex and go back to our regularly scheduled insanity on SFL. Believe me, I understand.

However, for those of you who would like to cover something I missed or share a story, a puppet show, or an Etch A Sketch® drawing, please feel free to do so below. Or you can avail yourself of the forum if that’s what you’re into.

Also, be aware that I’m going to schedule some posts this weekend but I won’t be around much next week as I’ll be taking some much needed R&R from the interwebs and SFL in general. In reality this means I’ll probably only spend 4 hours a day online instead of my customary 16, but it’s the thought that counts.

I may manage to coerce a few guest posters to contribute but that remains to be seen.

Now, the floor is yours…

84 thoughts on “Fundy Sex Week Day 6: Afterglow”

  5. First on topic! Let me be the first to say I appreciate what you’ve done here, but I do find it strange that Stuff Fundies Like may be the most open and honest discussion of the sexual hangups in Fundyland some people have ever been a part of…probably me included. So…thanks for that. If nothing else it’s been thought-provoking.

  7. Seriously, when a new youth leader came to my church, he decided to call the youth activities Afterglow.
    I loved those announcements…”tonight the youth group will be experiencing after glow”.

    1. I know of a church that called it “After Glow”. It makes me giggle every time I hear it.

    2. Our church calls it that. I never thought about that second meaning befor!

    3. Yeah, a “college and career” group at a large IFB church once invited me to an “afterglow.” I found the term kind of creepy. And I realized that “career” should never be linked in with “college.”

  8. Darrell, I think you should do a last day sexual hangups of women. Most of this has been fairly gender neutral, but the fact remains, a lot of the fundy shame is heaped upon women, resulting in girls that grow up to have major issues.

    They don’t feel beautiful, they don’t own their sexuality, they refuse to push any boundaries (missionary position in the dark only, please), they refuse to open their mouth to ask for more or something different, they don’t want to experiment, and most of all don’t want to listen to encouragement to the contrary. After all, a good fundy girl doesn’t do that.

    So…you sit high and mighty and boring, refusing to open your mouth and ask for something new. That’s too bad, you might find you just rocked your husband’s world. 😉

    1. “A good fundy girl doesn’t do that.”

      It’s so sad that fundies prize innocence SO MUCH that married women regret losing that innocence and try to stay “innocent” because they think that means they’re pure. For them, becoming sexually aware and involved means a loss of purity, even though biblically sex is sanctioned by marriage. They have been so indoctrinated about the beauty of purity and been protected and sheltered, that they feel becoming a married woman is actually a bit of a “loss”. This equating of purity with naivete is not good!! (BTW, I know I’m not describing many people’s experiences, but I do know of many extremely sheltered fundy girls who seem to regret giving their virginity to their husbands and consider it a loss.)

      1. I know! My mom said that to me right before I got married, “It just makes me sad that you’re not going to be innocent and pure anymore”. I just found that creepy and weird, I was excited about getting married and didn’t look at it that way at all. Plus, she was about 3 years too late on that anyway!

        I know of more than one girl that I went to school with that locked themselves in the hotel bathroom on their honeymoon night, because they were scared. I’m sure their new spouses really enjoyed themselves that night. Don’t get me wrong, on my wedding night I had a lot of regret about not waiting, even though I had only ever been with my spouse, but I was at least glad that I wasn’t terrified like some girls I knew.

        2. >>I do know of many extremely sheltered fundy girls who seem to regret giving their virginity to their husbands and consider it a loss.

          >>I know! My mom said that to me right before I got married, “It just makes me sad that you’re not going to be innocent and pure anymore”.

          Seriously? Fundy girls think like that? Wow… I guess it explains some things…

      2. I’ve known young brides upset about giving up their purity rings because they were a mark of distinction (and perhaps, moreso, superiority though they would not have said that).

        A very close friend confessed to me about a month before her wedding that she was really struggling with being sexually attracted to her fiance because she knew she shouldn’t be until after the wedding. She stared at me with open mouth when I answered that if she weren’t attracted to him she should rethink the wedding and it was certainly not something to be upset about.

        These people were all more mainstream Evangelicals. Conservative Christianity is really inhibiting young women which isn’t good for the marriages they are obsessed with protecting.

    3. Also talking about how much more difficult it is for women to learn about their own sexuality and discover what they enjoy in bed. That’s not just true in Fundyland, either — we live in a culture that defines sexuality almost entirely from a male perspective. For some of us, it never occurred to us that women even HAVE desires or preferences! 🙄 It’s far easier to passively “submit,” and just go along with whatever hubby wants to do, adopting his likes and preferences as your own. I guess that’s convenient for him in the short run, but in the long term it seems to leave both parties disappointed.

      1. When my wife and I were coming back from vacation, there was a whole family with shirts that said Nantucket on them. I started laughing to myself, and my wife asked what was funny. I pointed to the shirts, and she didn’t get it. (Limericks FWIW)

        Seriously, she has opened up a lot after we got married, and I have tried not to ruin her too much, but to let her experiment and take control of her own sexuality.

      1. That’s surprising. Here I was expecting you’d get some doozies and you didn’t get a single one? This cannot do! We’d better link some fundies here, I’m sure you’ve been missing their vitriol.

        1. I think they DID read them. ALL of them. Many times. In the bathroom maybe. They just won’t comment here and risk being found out.

  10. Go take a well-earned break for a week Darrell. You certainly deserve it! And make sure you put all of your good advice this week into practice with your wife. Rock on buddy!

  11. When you say the “floor is yours” I do hope you are not talking about the shower floor, especially after this week. 😯

  12. Fundy U was another matter altogether, but I grew up in a fairly (marital) sex-positive fundy church. The pastor was obviously smitten with his wife, and not in a macho, possessive kind of way. And I remember sitting in the church office one weeknight while the men were gathered for a session on biblical principles of marital sex or something and being able to overhear what the pastor was saying, and there’s very little I would disagree with now:Basically, he affirmed the ultimate freedom of couples in the bedroom as long as basic principles of hygiene and mutual respect were maintained. Finally, on the one occasion that a girl in our school got pregnant (very, very small school; she was the only senior that year), there was a public apology (not discipline as such) by both the girl and her partner (young military guy) and she was permitted to graduate.

    That said, I do think there was a sense that sexual sin was especially bad, and this led to some silliness in my own thinking. For example, I might know very well that I was putting myself into a position to have sex (before marriage), hoping it would happen, in fact. But I couldn’t, of course, plan for it by ensuring that any sex had would be “protected”: Planning in advance by actually buying condoms would demonstrate a premeditation that would only heighten the degree of the offense and make the inevitable punishment even worse. As a result, I took (and imposed) more risks than were reasonable or proper.

    I still hold to the biblical ideal of sex, even though I fell short myself. That said, I think we need to strike a balance in teaching our kids. The fact of the matter is that with marrying ages far later than they likely were in ancient times, with the degree of sexuality that pervades our culture, and with the unprecedented ability to avoid the downsides of premarital sex (rather harmlessly through birth control and, of course, violently through abortion), many of our kids are going to fail to live up to the ideal. And it seems to me that we should give them the tools to ensure that their failure does not completely destroy their lives.

    1. So true! I want to be realistic with my kids….talking about protection is really important! All the demonizing sex outside of marriage is silly.

    2. I really like this, and I think you really nailed (teehee) one of the major reasons for the high incidence of teen pregnancy among evangelicals. Parents aren’t telling their kids things, sure, but plenty of kids know about condoms, but don’t want the premeditation on their record.

      And I couldn’t agree more about striking that balance of teaching your kids to do what you believe is right while still assuring them that they can’t ruin their own lives, as long as they belong to God.

      1. “And I couldn’t agree more about striking that balance of teaching your kids to do what you believe is right while still assuring them that they can’t ruin their own lives, as long as they belong to God.”

        LOVE that. <3

    3. I give that speech saying: take these condoms. I know they are not for you. But you need to be prepared if you see any of your friends in a situation where their impulsivity and hormones may put them a t risk.

      It always appalls me, how churches that are so against abortion are not willing to take the easiest precaution.

      1. Indeed, which makes me think that preventing abortions isn’t the first goal.

    4. “Planning in advance by actually buying condoms would demonstrate a premeditation that would only heighten the degree of the offense and make the inevitable punishment even worse.”

      This. Guilty as charged. And I was one of those who had an unplanned pregnancy because of this line of thinking (as did at least two of my friends). This unplanned pregnancy led to a bad marriage because, you know, marriage makes an unplanned pregnancy “right”.

      *sigh* There are so many ramifications to the twisted view of sexuality that is held by conservatives and fundies.

      1. Same here, Michelle. 🙁 unplanned pregnancy, disastrous marriage and subsequent divorce. Happy now though. And that’s a clever way to phrase the condom talk, Ricardo.

  13. This week has been “enlightening” to put it mildly. But on a serious note, God does call us to chastity in what every place he has put us. Not a purity or holier than thou chastity, but a resolve to remain with our sights on Him whether we are single for a season, married, divorced, or struggle with SSA (same sex attraction). It is sad that chastity in love, marriage, and sex has become a bad word when all it means is putting Him first in charge of our sexuality, no what our stage in life is.

    So if you are married, go for it! If you are single or divorced, then allow Jesus to be Lord of every aspect of your life and serve him. Putting Him above your desires may not be a guarantee of happiness on earth, but I can promise that it will be rewarded in heaven. And isn’t going to heaven to be with Jesus our ultimate goal? Not satisfying our fleeting pleasures?

    We’ll all grow old. Some of us will get sick. Many will lose our spouses. In the end, it’s only Jesus that matters.

    1. A lot of us here don’t struggle with same-sex attraction. I don’t. And I might not be married, but I’m not single, and I’m quite happy to go for it. 😉

  14. There’s a part of me that thinks you may have “jumped the shark’ this week.

    1. Considering the ignorance,hangups, and fears that have been mentioned here this week regarding Fundies and sex, Dr., I don’t think the water skier got anywhere near that shark.

    2. Why, because it doesn’t relate to you personally?

      Because you’re uncomfortable talking about sex?

      Because you think SFL is losing readership so he’s doing something SHOCKING as a last-ditch effort? I don’t think so.

      This topic is completely relevant and has exposed a lot about fundamentalism.

      jump the shark… pssshhh silliness.

      1. There are a lot of old fuddy duddy fundies who visit this site and Darrel’s humor and satire have made them re-evaluate some of their particularities. That’s a good thing. The reason I used the word “may” is that this subject “may” make some of them think that Darrel has gone too far.

        And Melissa; you sound like a fundie!

        1. Only if “Hey! You should enjoy sex! Both of you! If you don’t, you’re doing it wrong–try something else; it’s OK!” is too far.

  15. Question, do fundies think it is wrong to part from the traditional location (in bed, lights off)? Say…in cars and such?

    Also, what do they think of the wife giving the hubby a lap dance?

    4. This reminds me of a conversation back in the day in my 9th grade Bible class at my IFB school. We were discussing how dancing leads to lust and the road to perdition and all that. Several of us decided to bait the teacher. We asked him, “What about if you dance with your wife? Wouldn’t that be okay?” He said, “No, because someone would see us and we need to avoid the appearance of evil.” “Well, what if you just danced together in your house?” “No, someone might see us through the window.” “But what if you made sure all the curtains were closed before you did it?” He turned a deep purple and raised his voice and said, “No! It’s still wrong!” We decided we’d better shut up and that point. lol

      1. He must have a wonderful marriage. 😕 Really, I wonder what his wife thought about that?

      2. What a sad man. God has given us richly all things to enjoy, yet these modern day Pharisees are living in fear and guilt following man-made prohibitions. Not dancing in the privacy of your own home with your wife? What kind of ogre does he think God is?

  16. @T2 – I agree with you. It’s sad to think that some women and men go through their whole lives without ever knowing how much fun sex can be – all because of their hang ups, whatever they may be. I can only speak for myself as a man, but one of the biggest turn-ons for me is when I see the woman I’m with LOSING HER MIND because SHE is so turned on. It’s been my experience that the best way for both parties to get to that place, is for them to leave their hangups at the bedroom door, or maybe the dressing room door. 😀 Coming from BJU and being in fundy baptist churches all my life, I definitely think that women tend to have more hang-ups than men. But SMART men will be aware of this, and make a concerted effort to help their wives unload the baggage. I think that is best done by communication. A man has to let a woman know that he WANTS her to communicate what she wants. That if she likes something a certain way, SAY IT. If she doesn’t like something else, TELL HIM. The man has to let the woman know that she’s not gonna hurt his feelings if she verbalizes what she’s thinking. One of my favorite memories of all time was a night we played cards downstairs, to see who would be totally in charge upstairs – 5 minutes at a time. Before long, after every hand, we were sprinting up the stairs. Because she was totally in charge, I learned some things about her and what she liked that I didn’t know, and vice versa. It was amazingly fun and interesting on every level.

    1. After Glow,
      I’m glad that your post focuses on the women communicating her preferences. That could be because you are a guy but the simple fact is that the guy will almost always “get his” and with the girl that is not such a sure thing. I have always sought to make my wife’s pleasure my goal because her pleasure makes it so much better for me.

      1. “I have always sought to make my wife’s pleasure my goal because her pleasure makes it so much better for me.”

        But…doesn’t that mean that your real goal is making it better for you, not bringing satisfaction and joy to your wife?

        One of the many things I love about my husband is that he’ll “take care” of me sexually even when his scoliosis won’t allow him to make love with me. His pleasure is almost never an issue to him – he’s always first and foremost concerned with me. I think part of that is because my first and foremost concern is him. Neither of us have to worry that the other is going to neglect us, and so our pleasure is uninhibited. That’s what a giving sexual relationship is all about.

  17. After a week of feeling each other out and perhaps learning a little, I came up with this fundy sex survey. It is entirely ANONYMOUS…so you can answer with the confidence that nobody knows who has answered what.

    I think it would be interesting to see what sort of results come from this group. 😉 The collective results will be seen at the end (as in, 5 of 15 respondents are female, 10 of 20 respondents were over 30 when they first had sex, etc.). Again, nobody, not even me (the creator), knows who has answered.

    http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7CHNHBJ

      1. I think most of us would not consider it “having sex” if it wasn’t voluntary.

        1. Regardless, for those of us who are survivors, that experience is an incredibly formative event for our adult sexuality. Ignoring it entirely in the context of this survey feels (to me at least) like once more my experiences are being shoved under the rug. That is not a good feeling.

        2. I’m sorry. There are a lot of survivors here. The survey could have specified whether the experiences were consensual, too. Is it possible to edit?

    3. It wasn’t meant to be all encompassing. It was meant to poll married fundy couples and the things they do…

    4. Any way you can post the results after a week or so? I started to read through them but it wouldn’t let me go past question four.

      1. If you have taken the survey and want to see how the results are progressing, you should be able to click the link above again, and you’ll see toward the upper left a toggle-switch to click through all 10 questions.

    5. I’m super interested in the results, but when I go back to the survey, every page has 0 responses.

  18. Is it bad to say that I found this whole past week boring? I understand that some people have issues and need help but as far as I’m concerned…meh.

    Happily married for 30+ years btw.

  19. Good grief, where’s Dr. Ruth when you need her? Seriously, folks, God made sex for enjoyment. If you’re not having a good time, find a SECULAR book or therapist on the subject.

    1. [dingbat]
      LIES. Gawd made sex for BABIES. Enjoying it is SICK and WRONG and SINFUL.
      [/dingbat]

  20. My non-fundy grandmother who is now in her 80s decided to have a sex talk w/me after I had been married for a few years. To this day, I’m not sure why. She announced to me that she had a great sex life with “decent” sex. I had to ask what she meant by that. I was thinking of a ranking system: great, decent, bad, etc. She said that decent sex was having sex while wearing clothes. I had to ask how that was accomplished, and she informed me that they just moved their clothing out of the way. She has never had sex w/a “naked” man. I’m sorry, but I laughed until I cried. She went on to say that they didn’t do it like dogs and cats. She said that her brother and his wife did it naked, and wonders if maybe she would have like it too.

    1. I suppose that if she and her husband felt satisfied, that was what counted. If not . . . how sad.

      For centuries, European Christians had sex with at least caps on and often more, because their houses were bitterly cold at night. And yet they apparently had a good time.

      1. My grandmother is one of the sweetest people I know. Having said that, she was being judgmental of people who don’t have “decent” sex – married or not. I blew her mind by informing her that we both sleep in the nude all night long every night. She quoted some verse in Revelation that refers to not being found naked when the Lord returns. Of course, we all know that verse does not refer to our physical bodies. Her dear mother prided herself in wearing full-length, long-sleeved, high-necked nightgowns even in sweltering heat.

        1. Oh.My.Word. I’m sitting here flabbergasted and speechless – I’ll never cease to be amazed at the ideas people come up with – and the Scripture they use to back them up!

    2. If decent sex is sex with clothes on, what would be great sex? Haz mat suits and an autoclave?

    1. I could have tested that at my old job (a CPA firm run by a christian guy). But now at my current firm, we have filters, but not as ridiculous as at the old one. Old boss used the X3watch filter. It was pretty stupid. It would log news articles, and Skechers ads all the time as inappropriate. I wouldn’t be surprised if that one would block SFL.

      1. And when the internet first became popular as a way to recruit college students, Beaver College in Pennsylvania changed its name because it was being dropped by too many high school filters!

  22. “Afterglow!” That word gets a lotta mileage in fundamentalism… every time I hear about a teen group having an afterglow following the evening service, I can’t help thinking how thrilling do they think they’re teen group meetings are, anyway?

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