Poetry

Separation

36 Comments

Independence
(Written In the Grand Tradition of Fundamentalist Doggerel)

Presbys don’t witness
Methodists drink
Pentecostals use tongues
(demonic, I think).
Anglican pastors preach in a dress
(And some are actual women no less!)
Lutherans take the Lord’s Supper too much
And then there are Amish, so far out of touch
The Baptist Conventions just keep compromising
On the Old Paths and Standards and Version Revising
But as for me and my house we’ll stand here alone
And wait for the Rapture to come take us home
The Body of Christ we will be, compartmental
You say “anti-social,” we say “fundamental”

36 thoughts on “Separation”

  1. Reminds me of this joke by Emo Phillips:

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

    Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

  8. I just know that some pastor is actually going to steal this and use it as a point of his sermon.

  9. @Darrell it’ll probably be attributed as a dying quote from Voltaire. At least someone will get credit for it though.

  10. a dying quote from Voltaire

    That guy had so much to say on his deathbed. Incredible.

  11. Did you make this up? If not, where on earth did you find it? And if so, bravo–it takes a certain kind of genius to intentionally create something that bad. 😉

  14. That is good. It does a great job at the fundy mindset of identifying themselves by what they are against.

    1. A Fundmentalist preacher was shipwrecked alone on a desert island. He was there for 20 years before a ship happened to come by, and anchor there. The crew of the ship was amazed to see that the preacher, all on his own, had built a whole lot of buidlings, a house, a shed, a shop, and two churches. The Captain pointed to one of the Churches. “That is the church I go to” explained the Pastor. The Captain pointed to the other church. The pastor drew himself up to his full height and puffed out his chest. “Sir, That is the church I DON’T go to!”

  15. And thanks…I think. 😀

    Genius. Yes, that was meant as a compliment. It’s one of those that sounds bad no matter how you go about it. 😉

  18. I love it! Especially the drinking Methodists.

    What’s the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? The Methodists will say hello to each other in the liquor store.

    1. In my experience, more Baptists than Methodists drink alcohol, but more Methodists than Baptists admit to drinking alcohol.

  20. Does this list apply to only the first degree or to second and third degrees? (First degree those who are on the list, second degree anyone whom you would associate with normally but can’t because they associate with someone on the list, or third degree you would associate with someone but they associate with someone who associates with someone on the list…)
    No joke, seen this happen to the 3rd degree.

  21. Wow. I read that three times, then called in my wife. I love it!

    If Dr Suess was an ex-fundy.

  24. Don beat me too, but yeah some even seperate unto the 4th degree. Extend this out and it would give a whole new meaning to the 6 degrees of seperation. =)

  26. At 6 degrees you end up drinking kool-aid in the jungles of some central american country with some guy named Jim, or Jack, or Bob….

  28. Just watch out while you are in those jungles of South America… those rather large snakes like to slither in and try to eat missionary babies… at least all the missionaries that used to come to my former IFB church. 🙂

  29. Reminds me of Dorothy Parker’s “Resume.” (especially the first four lines or so)

  30. Got one big question that bugged me recently.

    Sorry but this post will sound quite angry because I’m venting…

    Why do many fundies and evangelicals equate increased religiosity (i.e. separation) with holiness in practice (however much some of them deny it)?

    Why do they equate spiritual maturity with more Bible study time, more souls saved, mission field, soulwinning, quitting “secular” stuff, and so on? If we evangelicals say salvation is by grace through faith alone, that it is a complete gift of God, and we criticize Rome and Eastern Orthodoxy for denying sola fide, why do we act as though we believe our works and personal piety play a part in sanctification/salvation, and treat the Christian life as some sort of a linear line that goes upwards rather than a series of struggles only kept by God’s grace?

    Why does things have to be “sanitized” – with a “Christian” pre-fix and post-fix something in order to be watchable/enjoyable?

    Why are we producing only missionaries, preachers, (I’m not saying this is a bad thing but read on) and we laud them at Bible conferences, mission conferences, when we are not producing lawyers, businessmen, scientists, entertainers (especially especially entertainers) and so on, when we keep on saying we as believers should be the “salt and light” of this world?

Comments are closed.