180 thoughts on “Fundamentalism in Three Tweets”

    1. Now let me go make a bonfire for the fermented dairy and sports memorabilia in my home because I want God to know I’m really trying to be a good Christian.

  3. Here are a couple memorable quotes.
    “Open your Bibles anywhere, it’s all good”
    “I tell my preacher boys to never preach out of context, however, I’m going to preach out of context”
    Bob Jones Jr.

    1. Our fundy pastor once devoted most of a sermon to telling us what a great preacher he was because he could open the Bible randomly and preach on whatever verse he laid eyes on. Supposedly, an older lady in our church had asked him if he could do that and when he said yes then she said “I like a preacher who can do that.” So, of course, next Sunday it was story time with Bro. Gibbs.

      Anyway, I do NOT like a preacher who can do that because it shows that all his messages and sermons are just canned variations on the theme of “fundies are right about everything.”

      1. Anybody can preach on any random verse of the Bible.
        If you don’t believe that, you haven’t heard Steven Anderson hold forth on “he that pisseth against a wall.”

        The question isn’t, “Can you preach on any verse?” it’s “Can you preach WELL about something?”

  4. Guy Beaumont used to be a regular on the old FFF. He is a complete moron, and a perfect example of what the Bible calls a “novice”.

    1. forgive my Irish naivete, but what is the FFF? Sounds like it is only a few letters in the alphabet removed from the KKK.

  5. Guy Beaumont went by the screen name of The Real Baptist on the old FFF. He is a fountain of stupidity and anger. I used to have a quote file of stupid sayings from fundy preachers (and he was featured prominently), but it got lost when I switched upgraded to a new computer. However, I did include him in yesterday’s blog post about stupid, unprovable statements Fundamentalists preachers make from the pulpit while they are wearing their cloaks of pastoral infallibility:
    http://jeriwho.net/lillypad2/?p=4247

    1. He’s the worst of the worst. Not sure I’ve ever seen anyone so narcissistic and loud about it.

  6. “When children break things they do so because they are careless. But when God breaks things/us He does so because He is purposely careful!”

    Damn you, Darrell. I went back and looked at this filth because of your blog post 👿

    1. “There is no life so empty as the self centered life, and there is no life so centered as the self emptied life! – Luke 10:25-37”

      Because there are only ever extremes. You can be selfish or you can be absolutely devoid of self. There is no middle ground whatsoever 🙄

      1. And you would find the effort extremely difficult to disprove the charge that fundamentalists like Hamblin/Beaumont are living anything but the most self centered of lives.

      2. “Because there are only ever extremes. You can be selfish or you can be absolutely devoid of self. There is no middle ground whatsoever 🙄 ”

        That pretty much sums up Fundamentalism. 🙁

        1. A classic flaw from Philosophy 101… ‘The fallacy of the excluded middle’.

          “It’s all in Plato… What *do* they teach in school these days?”

  7. What in the world is wrong with either buttermilk or baseball cards? I am not really a fan of either but I don’t think they are sin. (i love buttermilk biscuits though)

    3. Apathetic or whatever, as with all arbitrary rules just trust your Fundy Pastor. The real sin here is that you’d question at all. Rules like these separate the wheat from the chaff.

      1. My cat loves Pillsbury and comes running if the smell of anything they make is in the air.
        My cat is evil.
        Therefore, canned biscuits are evil.

        1. My cat goes nuts over green olives.
          Why? I have no idea.
          But there must be a sermon in there somewhere.

        2. Last night I cooked moose scraps for my Chihuahua. She went wild over the meal, and I know she’s mentally ill if not evil.

        3. @ Big Gary, your cat is evil.

          @ Bald Jones Grad, your Chihuahua isn’t evil… because it’s not a cat.

      2. Is Williams the guy whose wife became seriously ill and she wasn’t expected to live; she became handicapped as a result?

        1. My guess is that he’s not. THAT Tom Williams was too down to earth for that nonsense. But I could be wrong. 😉

        2. YES, that is the Tom Williams aka the Cowboy Preacher. Scared the stuffin out of me more times than I can count. My former pastor and his wife were along on the trip to Israel where the second Mrs. Williams took gravely ill. His first wife was killed in an auto accident when they were quite young. Pam Williams passed away what – five?? years ago and he then married a third time. I have sympathy but no desire to go back for more guilt trips. Over prepackaged food yet.

        3. I heard him preach one time, decades ago. I thought he was inspirational. Don’t remember a thing he said, but I remember my impression. I was young and didn’t know any better. I’m sure now I’d have a very different idea of his sermon.

    5. Yep, not a good quote — why from B to B? Why not against A-something to Z-something… Apostasy to, uh, Zebras?

      What kind of a range is Buttermilk to Baseball cards?

      Not a quote I’d want to be remembered for.

      A better quote that I have heard many people say: “It’s all about Him”

      1. I think he got them turned around. It likely should have been “Baseball cards to Buttermilk”, a volume title in the Fundy Sins Dictionary.

        I don’t think he meant buttermilk the pancake ingredient. I think he meant Buttermilk the horse. Dale Evans was a “moving picture actress”, a non-fundy claiming to be a Christian, and wore short skirts on occasion. So that makes her horse evil, because Buttermilk didn’t practice proper separation.

        2. I don’t think Fundy fits Roy or Dale. They both had a couple of divorces before they met. Dale did some modeling in very non-Fundy attire, especially for that era. They have stars on the Walk of Fame and honors for their pioneering work in television. (or terriblevision, as I heard a Fundy evangelist, once say. I think it was Darrell Dunn). While I enjoy their work, I don’t think of them as fundy.

          To digress, though, a radio host who has passed on, the great Ludlow Porch, once mentioned how when Bullet died Roy had him stuffed. When Trigger and Buttermilk died, they too were stuffed for the museum. It makes you kind of glad ol’ Roy went before Dale.

    6. The Christian school I taught at banned baseball cards and all other trading cards because some are worth more and wanted more than others, thus they were considered a “form of gambling”. 🙄

      1. That’s kinda like fundy church. Some church members are more valuable than others; the less important ones are driven away.

  9. Is it just me, or does Hamblin’s twitter picture look like he’s trying to make eye love to the camera? It’s actually creeping me out.

    7. Someone here recently said his photo looked like someone trying to lean forward to squeeze out a fart. I’ve never been able to look at that picture again without laughing.

  10. Wow. Sad. That does, though, sum up the IFB: hiding heresy behind humor and alliteration.

    Preachers should NOT be preaching against things that the Bible does not condemn. If they do so, they are adding to Scripture. They are elevating man’s preferences and opinions to the level of God’s Word.

    Paul warned us, “Just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. . . Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ. . .
    So don’t let anyone condemn you for what you eat or drink, or for not celebrating certain holy days or new moon ceremonies or Sabbaths. . . Don’t let anyone condemn you by insisting on pious self-denial . . . Their sinful minds have made them proud, and they are not connected to Christ . . . You have died with Christ, and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world. So why do you keep on following the rules of the world, such as, ‘Don’t handle! Don’t taste! Don’t touch!’? Such rules are mere human teachings about things that deteriorate as we use them. These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires.” (from Col. 2)

    Instead why not preach THIS: “For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead. You were dead because of your sins . . . Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross.” THERE’S glory! There’s grace! There’s the Gospel!

    2. Amen! If your husband is on here, he should be called “Preacher’s Husband”.
      God bless you PW. Thank you for the rich and beautiful scripture you bring to each conversation continually with grace and gentleness.

    3. Keep on walking in Christ Jesus the Lord just as when you first received him. Sink your roots in him; bet your life on him; plant your feet firmly in the faith as you were taught it; bubble over with joyful thanks.

      Watch your step now and don’t let anybody make a sucker of you with his intellectual jazz and his smooth-sounding baloney, which is based on human concoctions and worldly standards, not on Christ. For the whole spectrum of Deity resided corporately in him, in whom your own lives find meaning. He’s the boss over every ruler and big shot. And by him you’ve been initiated into his fellowship—I don’t mean physical initiation—when he relieved you of your lower nature. This indeed is Christian initiation. Likewise, in baptism you were buried with him, and with him you have been raised by the inner working of faith in God who raised him from the dead. And to you all, corpses rotting in your sins and moral estrangement, God gave new life along with him. He freely forgave all our wrongdoing; he scratched out the signed charges against us which were then pending, took them out of the courtroom and tied them in the noose! And having frisked the top brass and the power boys, and made them his prisoners of war, he publicly exposed them.

      Therefore, don’t ever let one of those big shots jump all over you about official regulations or special observances or denominational programs or Sunday activities. Such things are but forms, whereas Christ is the real stuff. And don’t let anybody browbeat you into an assumed piety and into prayers to saints, insisting on some vision he has had. He’s a worldly-minded muddlehead who has lost his grip on the true Head, under which the rest of the body, outfitted and bound together by its joints and muscles, grows into God’s maturity (From Clarence Jordan’s Cotton Patch Gospels, The Letter to Christians in Columbus 2: 6 – 1).

  11. I’m really glad that we have pastors willing to stand up for these modern issues. If you look in the KJV, in Judges chapter 5, verses 24 through 27, you will see that Jael gave Sisera “milk and curds” before driving a tent peg into his skull. The greekish word for “milk and curds” is literally translated today as “buttermilk”. This is the only time that buttermilk is even mentioned in the Bible. As you can see, consuming buttermilk is a way to ensure that you will have a tent peg driven into your head. We are called to be salt and light to the world, we are never called to be buttermilk. How can we be salt and light to the world if we are dead? Lot’s wife was turned to salt when she looked behind her. I’m not sure how a lot of what I just said applies, but I think it does in one way or another. Curse Christian contemporary music.

      1. My problem is, I can’t ever decide whether or not to clarify that I am almost always sarcastic. I use the ESV, and agree that my post would be a torturous interpretation of Scripture. It just sounds like something that I would have heard growing up.

        1. Except for the profession of ignorance, it was a stirring tribute to the hermeneutics of young Preacher Boys.

        3. Dear Christian Commentor:

          You have a bizarre mind. I identify with that readily. Thank you.

          No one took your comment as fundy preaching because a real preacher would point out that ‘milk and curds’ is an intentional parallel to the ‘milk and honey’ phraseology which is shorthand for eretz Ysra’el, the inheritance of Ysra’el, which is in turn a picture of our eschatological inheritance.

          And they say that fundies don’t preach theological content!

          Blessings!

          Christian Socialist

        4. and by professing ignorance I meant that no Fundy preacher would ever allude to their uncertainty especially in the midst of an idiotic rant, that was the giveaway.

      2. Dear Kind of Bored:

        That was a wonderful remark. I’ve often spoken of people torturing the book of Revelation, but your observation is far better. I’m going to use it as my own.

        Blessings!

        Christian Socialist

    3. Hahaha… that was hilariously sarcastic! I hope.
      Oh the cluttered pile junk that is made from scripture ripped out of context in order to please our agenda, in order to agree with what we hate.
      Let God be true…

      1. That was the best part of the parody! First of all because the OT was written in Hebrew, of course. (And, as a really in-joke, I suppose, there is the whole KJV-only fundy hatred for the Septuagint.) Second of all because “Greekish” is not a language. Brilliant parody!!!

    5. Seems like a good enough reason not to drink buttermilk, or eat cottage cheese, I can’t stand either of them and now I know why. 😛

    1. This is the fundy equivalent of the Johannine Comma. Therefore, I now dub this Hamblin’s Comma.

        2. Although sometimes I do think much of fundamentalism is in the equivalent of a coma and needs to awake to the truth of God’s grace!

        3. Unless, of course, Tom Malone, put a comma between the subject, and the verb, intentionally when he, made said, quote.

    2. Just reading over a few of his tweets I noticed that he throws commas in quite frequently.

    3. “Let’s eat grandpa.”
      “Let’s eat, grandpa.”

      Correct punctuation can save a person’s life.

  13. So everything B-related is out, and all the other letters are cool. So fornication, adultery, murder and theft are IN! You’re right: This DOES explain much of fundamentalism.

    2. The skunk lover nails it!

      Classic distraction technique. Keep all the focus on phony sins we make up so you won’t notice the sins & crimes being actually committed in front of your face.

        5. I would just die of the squees if a skunk ever ate out of my hand.

          DB, my husband took his life into his hands once when we were camping. He was out by the campfire and noticed that something — couldn’t see what — was rummaging around the ground UNDER HIS CHAIR. He used the flashlight and lo and behold, it was a whole family of skunks eating the goldfish crackers one of our spawn had spilled earlier. He tiptoed into the camper and then bravely went back out to get lots of pictures for me.

          If that’s not love I really don’t know what is. My husband braved chemical warfare all so that I could enjoy the cute.

  14. Independent Fundamental Baptist:
    When God’s word just isn’t enough…

    The constantly moving goal posts of what is considered sin to the Fundamentalist cult leader is mind-numbing.

    2. >>The constantly moving goal posts of what is considered sin to the Fundamentalist cult leader is mind-numbing.<<

      I have a tendency to go read guys like this (Hamblin, Beaumont, etc) when I am bored, and I've gotten to the point where I try to remind myself that it's not worth it. Mind numbing is right – the egos, the boasting, the self-grandeur…it just never stops.

  15. Guy is a moron. I’ve dealt with him before.

    This quote and the whole mindset behind it is exactly why I left fundamentalism. They care too much about the most inconsequential things. For me it caused a lot of stress and anxiety because I over-analyzed everything I did, owned, wore, etc. Was it sin? Would it cause someone to stumble? Was God mad at me? Heavy burdens.

    1. I agree that this very thing IS why many of us left. First, as you said, it creates a crushing weight of guilt and obligation instead of joy and freedom. But second it omits the Gospel entirely.

      While fundies are fond of viewing everyone who leaves as reprobates, some of us left because we wanted JESUS instead of the man-made rules that had become the focus of our IFB churches.

  17. Yep, there’s the mindset of the IFB. Notice that the quote featured is not about the Gospel or Jesus…
    It’s about preaching “AGAINST” things. It doesn’t matter what it is “Preach agin’ it! Hey-men!”
    The people are looking to the pulpit for an emotional/spiritual experience so it is up to the Pastor to give it to them…
    Keep the sheeple busy fighting against external thing that will “polute” them… because sin, when it’s externalized, is easier to prepare a so-called sermon against.

    *sigh*
    What passes for Christianity in this movement is heart-breaking.

  18. Churchianity is alive and well. Even in my current non-denom church they look for the high of the next Christian experience (be it latest trendy book, conference, or big-name speaker). Why is Christ not satisfactory enough?

  20. Wow! My new non-fundie church had a message on sin this past weekend. I posted the link to it last night on Facebook. This morning my former MoG was on the rampage on Twitter and Facebook trying to run interference.

    Imagine his flock hearing a message on sin that didn’t involve preaching against pickles and hairbrushes. 😈

    2. How are the wimmin supposed to keep their long tresses orderly if they don’t have hairbrushes? Though I can see how the phallic-ness of a hairbrush would get the fundies’ undies in a bunch.

    1. And, Hamblin has a book called “Seven Public Enemies of Fundamentalism”. Does anyone know if Darrell made the list?

      1. If you read through Hamblin’s twitter feed, he’s actually called out at one point for tweeting while sitting on the front pew in a church service, lol!

  22. Must be a sad existence if a quote so lame as this is awe inspiring.

    Does the over use of “awesome” equal vain repetition or idle words?

    2. “Awesome” now seems to mean “not too bad.”
      If something really is awesome, I don’t know what we’re supposed to call it. “Cute”?

  23. If that’s what you are preaching on a regular basis, how do you ever get to the book of Romans? Or even The Book?
    Maybe that’s why you have to be in church every time the doors are open. You don’t want to miss the occasional truth in the midst of the slough of despond.

      1. I hate it when people pronounce it “sluff.” It’s the height of ignorance masquerading as pretentiousness.

    2. aha, the real reason for “three to thrive” – it requires the processing of a huge amount of ore to gain a small amount of substance

      1. Isn’t one of the great fundy quotes (from Bob Jones Sr. or something): “I would not swim through 30 yards of sewage to get a teaspoon of truth.” Said in response to the straw man argument that people supposedly justify “worldly” entertainment by saying that there is some good in it.

  24. Fundyism is about control through manipulation and guilt. If they can make you feel guilty they win. Since preaching against real sins doesn’t work on the self-righteous or makes them feel guilty (and neither of those results produced the desired effect), then thru must resort to preaching against random things they don’t like. When that stops working then the last step is just denouncing even more random things in order to produce the desired response: continued guilt and dependence on the MOG for every situation in life.

    1. I meant to say “themselves” rather than “them.” And obviously “thru” should be “they.”

  25. In a SS class at my in-laws IFB church, one of their missionaries told us he was not shopping at Walmart because all the stuff made him covetous.
    I couldn’t figure out why his covetousness meant I shouldn’t shop there. I suppose his version of grace meant he wouldn’t bind us with his personal conviction.

    1. You should understand that, coming from a missionary, the comment was a not-so-subtle plea for more money. Missionaries were always telling those “wouldn’t it be nice if I could buy that” stories when I was growing up IFB. Invariably, some kind soul at the church would go out and get it for them.

      If the IFB practiced missions biblically and/or denominationally (either model or both would work), the missionaries wouldn’t spend most of their lives in near-poverty, desperately trying to make ends meet.

      1. Knock. Knock.

        Who’s there?

        Smell mop.

        Smell mop who?

        *giggle, giggle, giggle* (Yes, I have kids.)

        Say it out loud if you don’t get it.

  27. Yes, that is a terrible quote to be remembered by, but to be fair, that wasn’t the only thing Dr. Hamblin replied to Guy. He also said
    “@GuyBeaumont Be happy to, Bro.! “Live in the Bible.” “If it were easy everybody would be doing it.” Dr. Tom Malone, Sr.” (from twitter)
    I am sure no one will disagree with these two quotes.
    This does not take away from the buttermilk baseball cards statement, or make it right, but the picture makes it look like this was the first and only thing that came to mind when asked about Dr. Malone.
    By the way, I have never heard of any of these 3 men, but it is important to be fair.

    1. I could take issue with “Live in the Bible”. Even non fundies would tend to interpret that as an isolationist principle.

    2. I don’t disagree with the phrase “live in the Bible” for the simple reason that I have no idea what it means. SFL: meaningless phrases that sound like “great quotes” when they are really closer to schizophasia.

      “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it” may be true enough as it goes, but it has no spiritually enriching quality about it anymore than some other patently obvious statement like “it is hard for most people to do hard things.” In fact, most fundies use the phrase in order to project their arrogance. It is the modern equivalent of “I thank thee God that I am not as other men are.” And, as such, I emphatically disagree that the statement has any value at all.

  28. There was one quote in particular in a BJU classroom that I used to stare at a lot. “A man who has no enemies is no good. You cannot move without friction.” – Bob Jones Sr.

    1. Another quote that makes no sense!!

      This quote neatly encapsulates a favorite fundy doctrine: pseudodiokology (the theology of false persecution). Fundies use verses in the NT that predict persecution for Christ’s followers to convince themselves that persecution is automatic proof that they are holier than everyone else. It’s a classic fallacy of affirming the consequent:

      (1) All who live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.
      (2) I am suffering persecution.
      Therefore, I am godly.

        1. Yes, Patrick Henry College did do me SOME good. It never seems to occur to them that they persecute a whole lot of people, who obviously are NOT godly people, in their opinion. Then again, pursuant to the “no true Scotsman” fallacy, they probably define “persecution” much like they define “gossip,” namely, OTHER PEOPLE doing bad things to US, not US doing the same bad things to THEM.

        2. ” when I attended Fundy U I thought I had died and gone to middle school.”

          LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

      2. This is the same syllogism as:

        All men are mortal.
        Rin Tin Tin is mortal.
        Therefore, Rin Tin Tin is a man.

        Uh, no, actually, he’s a dog.

  29. Other “B” things you can preach against:

    Breakfast bars
    Butterbeans
    Bounce houses
    Butterflies
    Beetles
    Beatles
    Beagles
    Bubblegum
    Bubble baths
    Bronson movies
    Bronzer
    Bic Pens
    Basket making
    Badminton
    Beanie Babies
    Balenciaga
    Baba ganoush
    Barbecue sauce
    Blogging
    Blow driers
    Brick houses
    Bookends
    Blast furnaces

    Random words mean you never have to prepare for a sermon.

    2. Brick houses is a lot like pink houses, and John Mellencamp sang about pink houses, and John Mellencamp is rock and roll; therefore, brick houses must be evil.

  30. For bros. Beaumont, Hambin and Malone:

    Jesus was tortured to death by the state.
    God’s faithful are often tortured [He 11:35].
    Torture attacks man who is God’s image [Jm 3:9].
    Torture is a moral issue.

    Since you are a preacher who addresses moral issues

    — when did you last preach a message against torture?
    — When do you intend to preach against torture again?

    Since we are responsible for not for other nations but our own, when do you intend to articulate a serious, theological critique of our nation’s torture of those deemed to be political enemies?

    Christian Socialist

    1. I don’t mean to appear random but I appreciate your posts here. Not just this one, though it is thought-provoking, but many of your posts are quite good. You should write a book if you haven’t already.

    2. No you’ve quit preaching and started meddling. If we were to speak out against torture our patriotism would come into question. And rabid patriotism has become the third rail of American fundamentalism, and, to be fair, of much of evangelicalism. It’s ok to torture Muslims apparently. I recommend reading most anything by Chris Hedges, a graduate of Harvard Divinity School who never pastored. He became a war correspondent. Christian Socialist, you’ve probably read him, as he is a self-proclaimed socialist. His book “Collateral Damage” provides first hand witness accounts of innocent lives lost in Iraq.

      1. I have read some of Chris Hedges writing. I found it challenging to my presuppositions. It really made me think and change the way I viewed certain things.

      2. Dear Bald Jones grad and Apathetic or whatever:

        Thanks for the replies.

        I’ve thought about conjoining pen and parchment several times. I have two fears.

        One is that no one would read my work.
        The other is that someone would read my work.

        I’ve followed Chris Hedges’ work for some years now.

        I concluded that he had significant Christian influence long before learning that his father was a Presbyterian minister, or that he had received a full theological education. Chris Hedges did serve in the pastorate for a decade; he turned to journalism on concluding that the church offered no meaningful opportunity to challenge the issues of our time.

        No less than the rest of us, Chris Hedges is a complex thinker. He’s not at the same place every day. Some days, his skepticism swamps his faith. But I cannot classify Chris Hedges as a skeptic. He knows too much. My sense is that when God’s justice and compassion are proclaimed, Chris Hedges is a believer.

        My theological tradition has no place for living prophets; yet Chris Hedges’ work stands clearly in the prophetic tradition. He reads/hears the prophets [especially the later prophets] with great conviction.

        When asked about Chris Hedges, I can only go with my perception of where he is; I tell people that my sense is that Chris Hedges registers in the heretic/prophet area. Of course, many prophets were regarded as heretics, so don’t assign the ‘normal’ meaning to the word ‘heretic.’

        Years ago, I did a theology class for church. In time, I had to give up the church class, but a few people continue to come to my ‘class.’ I don’t have any choice. My friends turn up faithfully at my door, one evening every week.

        Presently, we are considering this video, where Chris Hedges is in fine form. It is fascinating to see my friend’s thinking evolve from an NRA-republican who was convinced that President Obama is a radical socialist to saying, ‘this is great stuff,’ and ‘this is exactly what my company CEO is doing!’ It is just a sketch to watch the transformation.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sQdAaIGFio

        Thank you both for your input here. Thank you also, Darrell, for your faithful work here each weekday.

        Blessings!

        Christian Socialist

  31. Alphabetically speaking, Baseball cards should come before Buttermilk.

    Why am I bothering? Fundies having things exactly backwards should no longer surprise me.

    1. Re: baseball cards. I understand why they are sinful because they involve kids having someone else as a hero besides the MOG.

      A kid I knew at my fundy church played baseball in high school and was really good. He was headed to college to play college ball when he got injured and, after a surgery, lost about 10 mph from his pitching ability, thus seemingly tanking his chances at a college ball career. Everyone in the church, even people who normally didn’t act like that, hounded him for weeks and weeks that God had “taken baseball away from him” because God “wanted him to go to Bible college.”

      He got the last laugh. He is now in his third year of college and having a great year pitching for his college team.

  32. Re: hover text. I think we once had a post here where a fundy preacher listed all the things he was “for.” Hilarity ensued, as I recall.

  35. I agree that both Hamblin and Beaumont are the worst of the worst.

    However – (keeping in mind that I cannot say what Dr. Tom Malone did or did not say during the final years of his life, or whether he might have had any mental issues during that final decade) – I spent some time in Dr. Malone’s church, and Dr. Malone was (at that time) a good pastor and a kind and generous man. It kind of makes me sick to see Dr. Malone’s name drug through the mud by these 2 idiots. Neither Hamblin nor Beaumont has ANYTHING in common with Dr. Malone, that I can see. Hamblin has made a career of trying to imitate Malone’s speech, mannerisms, and dress, but seems totally clueless about the characteristics that actually matter.

  36. Keep on walking in Christ Jesus the Lord just as when you first received him. Sink your roots in him; bet your life on him; plant your feet firmly in the faith as you were taught it; bubble over with joyful thanks.

    Watch your step now and don’t let anybody make a sucker of you with his intellectual jazz and his smooth-sounding baloney, which is based on human concoctions and worldly standards, not on Christ. For the whole spectrum of Deity resided corporately in him, in whom your own lives find meaning. He’s the boss over every ruler and big shot. And by him you’ve been initiated into his fellowship—I don’t mean physical initiation—when he relieved you of your lower nature. This indeed is Christian initiation. Likewise, in baptism you were buried with him, and with him you have been raised by the inner working of faith in God who raised him from the dead. And to you all, corpses rotting in your sins and moral estrangement, God gave new life along with him. He freely forgave all our wrongdoing; he scratched out the signed charges against us which were then pending, took them out of the courtroom and tied them in the noose! And having frisked the top brass and the power boys, and made them his prisoners of war, he publicly exposed them.

    Therefore, don’t ever let one of those big shots jump all over you about official regulations or special observances or denominational programs or Sunday activities. Such things are but forms, whereas Christ is the real stuff. And don’t let anybody browbeat you into an assumed piety and into prayers to saints, insisting on some vision he has had. He’s a worldly-minded muddlehead who has lost his grip on the true Head, under which the rest of the body, outfitted and bound together by its joints and muscles, grows into God’s maturity (From Clarence Jordan’s Cotton Patch Gospels, The Letter to Christians in Columbus 2: 6 – 1).

  38. (Evangelist on a rabbit trail rant)
    “When them jihad terrorists blow themselves up, and expect to see 70 virgins, they’ll see 70 Virginians… Amen?”
    And “When them suicide bombers die, they go straight to hell… Amen!”
    I seriously looked around the church at this (and muttered as loud as I dared “well that was a stupid thing to say”) to see if anyone else realized how ridiculous and unChrist-like these comments were. Nobody else flinched. That’s when I decided there was something seriously wrong with a church that could accept those comments as normal.

    1. Outside Fundamentalism, most of these preachers would never rise higher than “that blowhard who hangs out at the dive bar and gets loud and mean when he’s drunk.” Or maybe “that one guy who never gets invited anywhere because all he ever does is rant about the same things over and over and I want to watch the game, not listen to him bloviate with that nasty little grin on.”

  40. The fact that a fundy preacher says that a preacher OUGHT to preach AGAINST…_anything_, instead of preaching the Gospel–the gospel of God’s amazing, inexplicable grace to hell-deserving sinners–is one of the most searing condemnations of the whole affair.

  41. Preaching against buttermilk? A person is going to drive all the way to their organization to hear them preach against buttermilk? How asinine.

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