504 thoughts on “The Pre-Courtship Questionnaire”

1. I wouldn’t want to marry or date anyone who would “pass” this test to the standards of the test writer. I would rather have someone who would pass a test of grace.

   At the risk of some self-advertising, I once wrote a deconstruction of a Christian worldview test. Christian amateurs are very bad at test writing. The essay is nine years old, but the Worldview Weekend people still offer such a worldview test online. If you’re interested: http://jackheller.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/christian-college-professor-flunks-christian-worldview-tests/

   1. You made some great points in the article.

      1. “Your classification is: Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker”

         Huh, didn’t know I had it in me… 🙄

         1. The last time I took the test, I had their lowest rating, whatever they call it.

         2. Wow, I took the worldview test and got a -23 (just enough to be labeled communist/socialist/Marxist). On quite a few of the questions I had to say “no opinion” as I did not agree with the premise of the question. I actually agreed with the “biblical worldview” answers on some of the questions (when life begins and truth), so my score could have been lower.

         3. That’s the rating. I never can remember all of its parts.

         4. I just took the Worldview Weekend test and got -40. Heeheehee.

         5. Well, I got a 19%, enough to label me a “Socialist Worldview Thinker.” I am so disappointed. I only achieved the coveted “Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker” in one area, Science. In the Social Issues section I scored as “Moderate Biblical Worldview Thinker.”

            I guess I have a ways yet to go before I have completely left Fundystan behind me.

         6. 21 points and 12% for me. It’s rather hilarious that questions of opinion are then graded correct or incorrect and just how correct you are.

            Also there’s a whole lot of questions that indicate the writer of the test doesn’t know history or civics (and often the Scriptures) very well.

            My fave was : Individuals must ultimately face the consequences of their actions before a Holy God. (Which they state the correct answer is “Strongly agree”). Correct answer from the Bible is that the redeemed will stand before a Holy God blamelessly thanks to the finished work of Christ.

         7. That’s usually the only humanist option. 🙁 Which is disappointing really. Though I get it – I’d never heard of Christian humanism until after college – because my school taught that all humanism was secular, if not communist, and wrong. Yet, most of our founder were humanists – and I now consider myself one as well. Thanks heavens I love to read and learn – or I never would have figured it out. (Which is definitely part of why I became I librarian, I want to pass on that love of learning and passion for the freedom to read to others).

      2. Thanks, PW.

   2. I just took the Worldview Weekend test, and I scored a snortworthy -33. The test classified me as a “Communist/Marxist/Socialist/Secular Humanist Worldview Thinker”, which I thought was hilarious.

2. “193. What are the things that you do in your free time?”

   What free time? I’ve been working on this questionnaire for 16 hours now.

   1. This made me smile. My thoughts exactly.

3. 149. What is your view of a:
   a. Father?
   b. Husband?
   c. Wife?
   d. Mother?
   e. Son?
   f. Daughter?
   150. What part does each of them play?

   Daddy sang bass,
   Mama sang tenor.
   Me and little brother would join right in there.
   In the sky, Lord, in the sky.

   1. Heeheehee! 😆

   2. They also forgot the other most important question: “If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway, would you have my baby”

      1. And “If I said you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?”

         1. 😆 😎

4. Oh my! This questionnaire sounds more pre-marital, than pre-courtship. But, I wouldn’t put it past Fundies to use it for both.

5. 213. Do you let them go first?

   No, I let them come first.

   1. And THIS is why we love you!

      1. giggedty

   2. You “let them”? How very gentlemanly of you! 😛

   3. No wonder your cockpit is always busy!

6. 407. Would you describe for me what you think is wrong or what bothers you about a lewdly dressed woman.

   I think to myself “Mom, put something decent on”.

   1. The first person I thought of when I read that was your Mom.

      1. She tells me you till owe her money.

         1. That is not true! I gave her the two chickens and cheese grater that I owed her.

         2. That may be true, Apathetic, but you still forgot the duck! You Do NOT Forget The Duck! 😈

7. In only 4 hours since posting, this has generated over 250 comments on 3 pages! And, the day is still young in some parts of the world!

   1. Yet we still haven’t come close to the over 400 questions on the list!

8. 83. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
   Hey, I like my family *as a friend*.
   Seriously, is this question accidentally implying incest, or just polygamy?

   388. Do you celebrate Holiday’s?
   Holiday’s what? Birthday? Bat-mitzvah? Graduation from Brownie to Girl Guide?

   108. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
   I’m pretty sure that’s illegal . . .

   109. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how
   should the conflict get resolved?
   Pillow fight.

   114. If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
   It’s like a hospital ship, but for judges.

   116. In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
   If a coin is unavailable, one can, theoretically, flip a Bible.

   155. What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find offensive?
   I prefer rock or classical; also bagpipes (yes, really). I am offended by country, rap, and anything that rhymes “free” and “me” or “way” and “obey”.

   156. Have you ever been exposed to pornography? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
   Wouldn’t it be easier to just provide the link?

   157. Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
   Well, there were the Out on Campus meetings, and the transgender rights initiatives, and my gay friend, and my other gay friend, and my other other gay friend, and you know, honestly, I’m really glad you’re bringing this up, because lately I’ve been having some real questions about myself . . .

   158. Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
   Okay, but first you’re going to need a medical dictionary and a copy of the DSM-IV.

   212. Do you open doors for ladies?
   Of course! And men. And cats. And occasionally moths.

   214. Do you offer to help carry things for them?
   Are they to only speak when spoken to?
   What, the things I’m carrying?

   215. Do you feel women have a voice and are encouraged to speak their opinion?
   Oh honey, we don’t need encouraged. 😈

   1. “114. If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
      It’s like a hospital ship, but for judges.”

      I laughed so hard at this… okay, I’m still laughing. 😆 😆 😆

      1. I’m always opening door for moths! *angry eyes*

   2. “anything that rhymes “free” and “me””

      Even if the lines in question are “I don’t care, I’m still free / you can’t take the sky from me”?

      1. Now I think those lyrics are shiny!

      2. More, “He descended from Heaven,
         From death he was set free.
         Now He sits at the right hand,
         And He’s waiting for you and me!”

         Ow. I mean, they were going along so well, and they had to toss in a rhyming-me. Worse yet, a rhyming you-and-me. I had to sing this in choir (hilariously, a secular university choir well-populated with atheists; in fact, my three best friends in choir, singing this song about Jesus, were an atheist, a Jew, and a Muslim. Haha!), and that line caused me distress. I feel like I should offer to lend them a rhyming dictionary.

         1. An Atheist, a Muslim and a Jew, did they ever go to a bar together?
            Okay, that was rather low, but who could resist? 😈

         2. The Muslim gal and I would hang out with another friend, who was a Mormon. So we genuinely did make the joke, “A Muslim, non-denominational Christian, and a Mormon walk into a bar . . . “. This joke compounded by the fact that none of us drank. Heehee.

         3. 😆

9. Before today, I had no idea the Anal Retentive Fellowship ( the ARF) had such a questionnaire.

10. 89. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

    Yes.

    90. What is the level of your relationship with them now?

    Deep. And wide. 😉

11. This song just came to mind.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hlMi6PvUDE

12. 109. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how
    should the conflict get resolved?

    Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock of course!

    1. The bartender snarls “We don’t serve your kind here!”
       A neutrino walks into a bar…

       (big bang theory humor)

       1. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. He is served a beer. He drinks it and says to the bartender “how much is that?” “For you,” says the bartender, “no charge.” (geek humor)

          1. 😆

13. If someone gave me a test like that just to see if I was qualified for a first date, I would run like hell. That is just SCARY! 👿

14. Dang! If I weren’t already married I would stay single.

15. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. 😯

    I’m pretty sure that after 4 years of actual dating + our dozen years of marriage, my spouse & I would still fail this questionnaire.

    Actually, I’m also pretty certain my parents who have been married 43 years would fail.

16. Was this created by one Dr. Sheldon Cooper? 😉

    1. Poor Leonard.

17. One question missing that is essential for a happy marriage:

    Toilet paper. Over or under?

    1. I nearly went postal on my husband after he (for the 9999th time) put the paper towels rolling from underneath. TP, that’s just an annoyance. Paper towels, though, you can’t just rip ’em off like that and you end up with the roll flipping off the roller, up into the air, and torpedoing through the house. Meanwhile, your hands are still covered in crap.

       I think he’s been too scared since then to even touch a paper towel. 😀

       1. Maybe he is scared because you regularly walk around the house with your hands covered in crap. The thought frightens me a bit.

    2. There’s no excuse for under on TP or Paper Towels.

18. Please, please share where this came from

    1. Yes please! I am dying to know who gave this out.

       1. Hazelnut on page 2 knows, but isn’t giving any names.

19. Views on public swimming? Profanity? Being “exposed to homosexuality”? Policing “immodesty” among wives and daughters? What @#$% century is this questionnaire from?

    This questionnaire is invasive. I’m surprised it doesn’t ask respondents about their bra size or most recent prostate exam. It’s one thing to encourage couples to talk about important issues before they wed, but this is onerous and inappropriate.

    1. Well, some of those issues might be covered in the physical exam by a doctor that one of the questions asked if they are willing to undergo. I wonder if part of that is turning over all the results to the father who’s asking these questions.

    2. “229. How will you approach your wife or daughters if they are immodest”
       [No question mark.]

       It’s creepy how “wife” and “daughters” are lumped together here. With a young child, there are definitely times for a parent to say “Put some clothes on, Honey.” But my wife has been dressing herself since long before I met her. She hardly needs instructions from me.

       1. It’s creepy how “wife” and “daughters” are lumped together here.

          Ever heard of Craster’s Keep, beyond The Wall in Northern Westeros?

       2. If my wife (theoretically speaking) was immodestly dressed, I think this approach would be a good one?

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKPoHgKcqag

    3. This is the culture that sees no problem with putting a blank for “Date Saved” on a job application.

20. Yep another holy doo list.

    1. Or is it a holy doo-doo list? 😈

21. “56. About how long do you pray?”

    Really? Jesus SPECIFICALLY warned us about purposefully praying long prayers just to impress others.

    “57. Do you have a prayer book or a prayer journal? Would you let me see it?”

    How incredibly invasive. What super-inflated, power-hungry ego demands that a potential suitor for his daughter hand over his private prayer journal for perusal?

    1. Unless this question comes from the potential girlfriend. But in that case, isn’t it counteracting the attempt to avoid emotional intimacy that courtship is supposed providing instead of dating?

    2. This also kind of implies that the respondent keeps track of the amount of time they spend praying. 😕

22. “78. Are you ever manipulative of others?”

    Because of course a real manipulator will confess this. 🙄

    1. Yes, but I generally stop short of handing out passively aggressive spiritual proctology questionnaires

23. 286. Were you ever spanked in anger?
    287. How did that make you feel?
    288. Have you dealt with that offense if any?

    Because parents who spank in anger I’m sure will be very, very receptive if you approach them on this topic. 😕

24. I don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or to be utterly taken aback at these questions. I’m so glad that, though I was in IFB churches when I get married, I was never subjected to anything like this.

    Same questions & my answers:

    34. What is a besetting sin? What are yours?

    You tell me YOUR besetting sins and then I’ll think about telling you mine.

    377. How often do you go to the altar?

    1564 times; then I was convicted about just going for show, so now I allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart and respond to Him wherever I am.

    80. What circumstances might make you impatient or angry?

    Stupid questions

    152. What are your views on public swimming?

    It should be done in a public pool while wearing clothes

    158. Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past?

    Yes, did you need some? Yes…

    226. Are pants ever acceptable

    When in the UK, yes, absolutely. For my dog, yes. For the women in my life, as compared to what?

    1. Some of the places I go, they won’t let me in if I don’t wear pants.

       1. My last Casual Friday, for example, was a disaster.
          http://www.wehodaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/robertson-man-no-pants.jpg

          … And don’t even ask about the time I tried to attend an Easter Sunrise Service.
          http://swoonworthy.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/michael-fassbender-bunny-ears.jpg

25. This survey is the gift that keeps on giving:

    20. Do you read?

    No, I’m having my mistress read it and write the answers for me.

26. Wow. After a few questions I just kept scrolling to see how many there were.

    93. Why do you feel like I’m the one for you?
    Well, now that you have given me this inquisition, I am having second thoughts.

27. “I don’t know” or “it depends” is not an acceptable answer. If you are unsure, you may respond with “pastor”.

    1. “I have no recollection, Senator”

28. It is fun to make jokes and snarky responses to these questions. The thing is though, I feel for the people who no doubt take this seriously. It is so sad.

29. I read it through. Kept wondering if I would get to the end. Decided that questionnaire must be a new way to prevent pre-marital sex. Give them so many inane questions it will take up all their time together before going to the altar, therefore giving them no time to screw! 😈

    1. On a serious note, it in fact does the opposite. Instead of helping young and ignorant people learn to develop trusting, genuinely spiritual intimacy, it causes them to abandon their parents guidance and go roll in the hay with anyone who at least pretends to care about them enough to ignore their parents ridiculous, emotionally incestuous, authoritarian bullshit.

       In my supposedly Christian school, there were several girls who were from the most conservative families, showed up every day in their jumpers and long pony tails with a bow, with parents who draconianly enforced who they spoke to in the hallway, etc, and they were the most sexually active in the school. Absolutely unhinged.

       1. I believe it. Teach kids that the only alternatives are total obedience to crazy-making things like 423-part pre-courtship questionnaires or abandonment in the swamp of sin, and quite a few of them will do just what you teach them.

          1. In my personal experience it was music. Music pastor said “if you are going to dip your toe in Rock and Roll by listening to Steve Green and Sandi Patti, then you might as well go all the way and listen to heavy metal”

             I did exactly that.

          2. False dichotomies rarely pan out the way the person trying to create them thinks it will.

          3. Also the slopes are rarely half as slippery as advertised.

          4. Or as they say in PA, slippy.

          5. The Misterslippy River Race!

             I know I’m not the only one who remembers this …

          6. Polecat…I remember! And out of nostalgia, I downloaded it for my kids listening pleasure. They loved it – while I was quite surprised at the subtle, and not so subtle, racism, stereotyping, and general disregard for political correctness. I’m not the PC police, so hey, I still let the kids listen. Camp Kookawacka Woods and Custard’s Last Stand are even more racist. I’m not up in arms about it, I just thought it was interesting.

30. I died of old age reading through the questions and now can’t court or get married.

31. 265. When does corporal discipline begin?
    Answer: After SPC discipline and before SGT discipline. Or after LCpl discipline.

    1. Ahhhhhh… I know what you did there…

       1. I figure about 1% will get it, if the statistics I’ve seen are correct.

          1. Ooh, ooh, ooh! I get it! Do I get a prize?

          2. Beth D, you would except Mrs BC and Mrs XO have their perceived clusters in a twist over what to award.

          3. Hey, I’m not in the 1%, and I got it. Maybe because my son graduates from Basic Training tomorrow morning at Ft. Benning, so it is sort of in the group of things at the front of my brain. At lunch today he discussed some of his discipline of the last 14 weeks. He turned Blue this morning and was welcomed officially into the infantry.

       2. lol!

    2. Discipline is the role of the Squadron Adjutant.

32. 158. Do you use any type of drugs?

    I have never had a problem with drugs–I always liked them.

    This is hilarious and very scary all at the same time. No wonder I am still single 🙂

    1. “Do you take drugs, Danny?”
       “Every day”
       “Good. So, what’s the problem?”

33. 46. What do you think are some of the main problems of the evangelical churches of today?
    Answer: Stupid questionnaires like this.

    47. What do you think a Biblical Church looks like? How is it structured?
    Answer: Not like our local IFB church, that’s for sure! Did you know that Vacation Bible School and Sunday School are not in the Bible? Nor were the churches in church buildings, but in houses! Churches didn’t have “Christian Schools” in the Bible either, and Pastors didn’t get honorary doctorates from IFBJU!

    1. And Men of God in the Bible referred to themselves and each other by name.

       By FIRST name.

34. Hubby’s answer to: “208. On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate the worth of a woman?”

    “Women are a 5. Men are a 5. Together we make 10.”

35. “passive aggressive spiritual proctology questionnaire”

    Where would you like your Internet delivered?

36. 20. Do you read?

    Isn’t this self-evident?

    But considering this questionnaire, I sometimes wish I didn’t.

37. I just kept scrolling and scrolling and scrolling on my iPhone….and it wasn’t. Ending. 423 questions?!

38. It mentions the name in the questionnaire – SM Davis. He also
    preaches a message about whether you are a giver or a taker, which is ironically
    one of the questions.

    The list is given to the parents & they can choose to use all
    or some of them. The language, questions & punctuation all confirm this was done
    by him & his daughter that helps in the ministry.

    Good luck to those who want to go that route, it’s a free country –
    just leave me out of it. It basically creates an atmosphere of the women
    being in control through manipulation with guilt & emotions. The 2 families
    I saw that used this should’ve had questionnaires for the daughters – they were the
    ones to watch out for, not the poor guys trying to get to the altar.

    1. What? This came from SM Davis? I shouldn’t be surprised. I will definitely be blogging this.

39. I wouldn’t fill that thing out for Helen of Troy.

40. I’m sure this was written by a father who never wants his daughters to marry. He has probably convinced them that this questionnaire is a good idea.

41. I just started reading the comments to this post, and I have to say… They are the most creative, clever and hilarious Bon mots yet. It just goes to show you that the more separated and insular you are, the less relevant you become.

42. Shameless plug here….but it’s easier to link to my blog than repeat everything here.

    http://fundyrebel.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/dr-show-me-the-money-davis/

43. If this is all from S M Davis, then here’s his website: http://www.solvefamilyproblems.org/searchresults.asp?cat=1855

    I usually resist making comments about people’s names, but really, how perfect is it that he goes by “SM”?

    1. I copied this from his Help For Rebels

       “We recommend that the husband read this out loud as the wife listens intently”

       🙄

       1. What, your husband doesn’t let you read anything by yourself, does he? 😛

       2. Also, he should be standing while she sits at his feet.

          1. I thought that was just understood/assumed?

    2. I would LOVE to get the fill-in-the-blank sheeeeet on the biblical perspective on scorn and mockery. That sheeeeet has GOT to be good!

44. Wow, I plan to only have one question for any guy who wants to date my daughter: “Do you believe that I can successfully make your death look like an accident?”

    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6QHN5NBujw

45. 423rd!

46. 100. Do you think of me as the wife:
    101. Behind you
    102. Leading you or
    103. Beside you

    Missionary? On top? Whoo, I like the way you think, girl!

    1. No cowgirl?

47. 105. How do you see God using us as a couple?

    Wow. I am supposed to be a prophet, now? Ooommmm, ooommmm (oops, sorry, wrong religion!)

    And I misplaced my crystal ball!

    Well, if we get married I see God using us as a couple. I would not see God using you as the wife of another man or me married to another woman. That whole divorce thing is messy, you know. And being married to more than one woman is so Mormon and all that! (Would you being married to more than one man be so Nepalese?)

    No, if we get married I see God using us as a couple until death or dirty dealings do us part.

48. That list is a whole lot of “never being good enough…” Thank goodness my wife is loving of me for who I am and not whats on some godless list.

49. 1. I love the fact that although questions 93-146 are all about marriage, question 146 asks, “what are your views on Marriage?” just for good measure. You know, in case we left out something.

    2. 384. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
    385. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
    WHAT. THE. HECK. I am NOT a horse who needs to have her hooves examined or a slave who needs to be checked out before I am sold. This question literally has me seething with rage.
    I know that according to the standards set by this test-taker (which are heavily implied by the questions he included) I would never be allowed to marry anyone. I would be summarily removed from the gene pool. But so would everyone else I’ve ever met in my entire life.
    Please tell me this is fake. Please.

    1. I assume that physical exam is going to include a full workup on your fertility as well. Although I’m not sure how a male’s fertility would be measured without spilling any seed?

50. I’m going to try to give what I think might be passing responses:

    406. How do you respond when you see a girl that isn’t dressed right?
    “I would never, EVER get an erection. Cause I can totally control that just by walking in the Spirit.”

    398. Are Birthdays a Big Deal? Or can you take them or leave them?
    “yes, I would LIKE to see my next birthday, but it’s all in God’s hands really.”

    413. Do you play games?
    “I played a game once. I was AWFUL.” (insert grumpy cat meme).

    193. What are the things that you do in your free time?
    “I don’t have any free time because I spend it all in ministry.”

    368. Are you accepting of truth (new truth) that you hear? (Whether it may be from the pulpit, from a book or from a counselor?)
    “yes, I blindly accept anything said by a speaker in a pulpit, a writer of a book, or a counselor. Even if those things contradict each other.”

    251. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Baptist classmates/friends?
    “shun, shun, shun.”

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