504 thoughts on “The Pre-Courtship Questionnaire”

1. That’s insane!

2. I don’t know what the big deal is, they merely put into questionnaire form what every good fundamentalist believes…

3. Dear Lord, really? I’d have ran out the door, screaming! 😯

4. “338. Do you have a savings account? How much is in it?”

   You just can’t make this stuff up.

   1. I’ve been married 6 years, and I think I would decisively fail this… maybe a 20 or 30%

5. I see Biblical Womanhood gets its own special category, but no category for Biblical Manhood. Niiiice. 🙄

   1. Hey, the whole thing is supposedly about Biblical Manhood…right? “If you answer these 8,000 questions the right way, you are a Biblical Man, and you can court my daughter.”

      I have never seen anything like this. Never. I mean, it just went on and on and on. 😯

6. Is this for the guy or the girl?????

   1. I’m pretty sure from the wording that this is the list that the girl gives her potential suitors.

      1. In that case, let me revise my comments below to say that any guy who would be willing to sit through FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-THREE QUESTIONS that I ask him before I would accept a date from him… yeah, I don’t want to date–excuse me, court–that guy.

         1. Well, yeah. When I was in a Southern Baptist seminary, I encountered such girls. They’d complain about a lack of “real men” on campus. Which is a complaint with some merit. But of the guys I hung out with had jobs, most had a good career before seminary. None of us dated anyone on campus. There were a small number of girls who we should have given more consideration to.

            But as to the other ones. They were on a campus with an 8:1 male:female ratio. I don’t think lack of opportunity was their problem.

            It’s the hoops they expected guys to jump through. This list doesn’t surprise me at all. And there’s no way a “real man” (or a normal human being) is going to fill this out.

         2. There’s no way a man with a day job has time to fill it out.

      2. Jim K. mentioned that it was from the girl’s father, which makes sense given how the girls in courtship situations rarely have a choice in what happens. I don’t think this is some high maintenance female but rather an overbearing father.

7. IS THAT REAL??

8. Please tell me that this is a joke.

9. WOW! The sad thing is, people who have this wouldn’t question why to answer it.

10. This is put out by SM Davis’s Solve Family Problems.

    1. That’s exactly what I was thinking! I knew it stank of S.M. Davis from the very beginning. 👿

    2. And guess what! SM Davis a “Dr.” (Although there is no mention anywhere on the website as to where he earned his bachelor, masters or doctorate.)

       1. “We’re not doctors”
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Lge2_H_8IQ

          1. Perfect. I can picture Schaap, Owens, Comfort, Jones and a handful of more of those clowns doing such introductions at a “pastor’s school.”

       2. Honorary Doctorate. You find them all over Fundystan. Awarded through the Larry/Moe Curly system:

          Larry awards Moe an Honorary Doctorate.
          Moe awards Curly an Honorary Doctorate.
          Curly awards Larry an Honorary Doctorate.
          NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!

          1. That’s the best description yet as to how those clowns pass around honorary degrees.

    3. “Solve Family Problems” — argh. So they think it’s that simplistic? Use this overbearingly detailed questionnaire to weed out the bad guys and you can solve family issues before they start?

       If you could just follow the rules better or ask the right questions, then life would be perfect.
       🙄

       That kind of thinking is both naïve as well as unbiblical.

11. A sociopath would enjoy the challenge, pass the test with flying colours, and then destroy his spouse and children’s lives.

    1. And there you have my first marriage in a nutshell…

       1. And mine. Here’s to surviving the mess.

    2. I knew a woman whose first husband did the opposite. While they were courting, he convinced her he was a progressive, enlightened advocate of gender equality (as she was). Once the knot was tied, he turned into a keep ’em barefoot and pregnant hardshell Baptist. She got out eventually, and was happily single last I heard.

       1. Rather normal behavior for a sociopath. Rules-based relationships often capsize upon this gruesome reef.

    3. Exactly. Looking at that, I knew exactly which answers would be satisfactory. It would be extremely easy for a sociopath to pass with flying colors, especially if he was raised in ultra conservative fundamentalism and knew precisely what to say. It would be smarter to take someone on an individual basis and GET TO KNOW THEM personally, than to assume that whey they are saying about THEMSELVES is true or accurate.

    4. Remember, everybody:

       SUCCESSFUL SOCIOPATHS ARE MASTERS AT CAMOUFLAGING WHAT THEY ARE.

       IF THEY WEREN’T, THEY’D HAVE BEEN EXPOSED AND CAUGHT LONG AGO.

       WE ONLY HEAR ABOUT THE DUMB ONES WHO SLIPPED UP.

12. 149: If you are looking to court someone should you really have a wife or husband to have an opinion about?

13. Question 80 is worth asking.

    Does question 371 mean that you have to go back and answer them all over again, from the perspective of the family?

14. Is there a corresponding score chart? How do I know if I win?

    Oh wait, I already won by not marrying one of those…

    1. Indeed. 🙂

    2. Lol! Exactly! Run away immediately!!

15. 423 questions?!

    FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-THREE QUESTIONS.

    If a guy had to ask me FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-THREE QUESTIONS before he asked me out, I can tell you right now the relationship wouldn’t work.

    The random capitalization of words and unnecessary apostrophes would also indicate a fundamental lack of compatibility, but maybe that’s just me. 😛

    1. The apostraphe’s are what convinced me this was legit.

       1. You need to be taken out and wet noodle-whipped for that random abuse of the word “apostrophes.” For shame!

       2. apostraphes, not apostraphe’s…oh, I see what you did there 😉

    2. 423 items, some of which include multiple questions.

       How is it that so many Fundies marry young?
       You’d be at least 60 by the time you finished filling out this questionnaire.

16. 42: What is that? Is that supposed to mean being part of a door knocking campaign?

    1. http://hitchhikers.wikia.com/wiki/42

    2. 42 is the answer to life the universe and everything. 😉

       1. Nice 😛

    3. Nice! I would’ve also taken a Jackie Robinson wise acre response too! Well played!

    4. 406. How do you respond when you see a girl that isn’t dressed right?

       I don’t do anything. However, I am a grammar Nazi so if you insist on asking questions worded like this one I shall be forced to divorce you.

       1. George! Why did you put this here?

          1. 😆
             Funny

       2. Grammar Nazis of the world, unite!

17. The thing’s on this list are crazy, er, I mean, bat $%&* insane! (just seeing if anyone else caught the typo)

    1. I see what you did their.

       

    2. After reading this, I would say it’s bat shit insane. 😈

       1. “There will come a time when men will go Mad. And they will lay hands on the sane among them, saying ‘You are not like us! You must be Mad!'”
          — one of the Desert Fathers
          (My writing partner quotes this every time I phone him and ask “Did we just go batshit crazy, or did everybody else?”)

18. Is this thing intended to be asking someone you’ve been dating & are thinking about becoming bf/gf or a prerequisite of date 1?

    If it’s prereq for even date 1, there’s just way too many generalized questions about husband/wife relationships

    1. There’s no dating. There’s this and then there’s a payment of goats to her father and then there’s marriage.

       1. My Dad would accept camels…

       2. Try calling it a “date” to her parents, and you better be careful for things thrown at you.

       3. I don’t think I get the notion of wanting to date someone that doesn’t have the good sense on date 1 (or whatever you want to call it) to say “who said anything about marriage?”.

       4. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is nothing like this Ye Olde Holye Courtshyppe in the halcyon Christian past fundamentalists revere so. What there really was can be seen in art of the period. Currier and Ives portray couples dashing through the snow in sleighs built just for two (that’s what “Jingle Bells” is about). A famous anonymous painting from 1840 (so you know it’s super Godly amirite?) shows a quilting bee, with a young man and woman holding hands under one corner of the quilt frame. Expanding the search to Victorian commercial art depicting an aspirational middle- to upper-class lifestyle, we find courting couples holding hands, dancing, and leaning close together. Chaperones are probably nearby, but you rarely if ever see them in the pictures. And you know who you hardly ever see? Papa. And what don’t you ever see? Questionnaires!

          1. Oh, and who does this Ye Olde Holye Courtshyppe thing?

             They like it a whole bunch in rural Afghanistan.

19. For me, its all in how he responds to question 421! Hee Hee…
    Actually I feel that if a guy takes the time to really answer all this just to be close to you- he could be a keeper? idk…just sayin’

    1. Hi Mel, The answer to #421 What happens when someone talks to you or comes in the room while you are watching a movie or playing a video game?

       If you are watching a movie, you pause it and talk to the person, if it is a video game, you ask the person who entered the room to wait quietly until you reach your checkpoint, or have the ability to save you game without dying. In certain games, it is crucial that you do not press the start button and pause gameplay due to the fact that you will lose your position and sense of where you are in the game which will result in certain death. That being said, I’ve seen your picture Mel and if you walked in the room while I was playing, I would turn off the game system and we would play tickle me Elmo or twister.

       1. That’s why I love you 🙂

20. Holy Questionnaries, Batman!!!

21. It seems to me that all these questions could be answered during a few years of -*gasp* – dating. They’d be answered much more honestly too, as you’d SEE the answers, rather than having someone write to impress. Of course, that’s just my opinion, which is probably way off since it included to word “dating.”

    1. Yes. Which is exactly Tiarali’s point above. A sociopath could score a perfect on this and still make your life a living hell.

22. This discourages abstinence.

    1. Sobriety, too.

    2. You got it. (My point is not that the folks who wrote this questionnaire want to discourage abstinence. It’s that if you have to go through all of this to get a mate, you might as well just mate.)

       1. The act of copulating would take less time than reading all the questions.

23. I think my wife and I will try to complete this just for fun and then take it to a local fundy pastor and ask for counseling… based on the results.

    1. I wouldn’t wish that on you, but if you do go through with that, be sure to post your results here.

    2. please, please do this, and contribute the findings.

24. Performance based religeon.
    Performance based marriage.

25. Is it just me or wouldn’t it be better to spend time enjoying mutual interests and talking with on another? 😕

    1. But. . .but. . .then you might LOOK AT EACH OTHER or TOUCH or HOLD HANDS or something, and we can’t be having any of that!

26. eHarmony doesn’t have that many questions!

    1. E harmony also told me that there was no body in the world i was compatible with.

       1. At least now you know. 😉

27. Wow…just, wow…this comes from a person looking for the perfect man and will never find him, because he likes to go to McDonalds (or something) and plays Mario on the Wii.

    1. Its all there in black and white, clear as crystal! You are unwilling to properly polish up your facade and hide all your faults behind a wall of religious self-promotion, so you get nothing, you lose, good day sir!

       1. +1 for Willie Wonka reference.

28. What the heck is this list?! I think it’s easier to sign up for the military than for this, and this is just to apply to court somebody?
    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a list of questions this long.
    As some other people already said above, it’s better to get to know a person through dating so you can see the answers instead of getting a fill-in-the-blank form.

    1. I forgot:
       Some of the questions I’m unfamiliar with the answers to for some reason. Like the Birthdays and Holidays sections. I don’t know what answers these guys are looking for.

       1. Yeah, I don’t understand the birthdays one either. Christmas and Halloween are Evil, though, because Santa has the same letters as Satan and both are based on PAGAN HOLIDAYS. I believe Easter is evil for a similar reason (and also because your children will be TURNED AWAY FROM GID if they realize you’ve been lying to them about Santa and the Easter Bunny).

29. Is this the fundie version of “The Rules”?

30. WOW! I failed. I quit reading in the 80s and quit scanning around 190. I’m sitting at the airport waiting for my daughter and have better things to do than read this.
    If my father- in- law had handed me this in seriousness, I would be planning a 30th anniversary trip this fall with someone else.

    1. Oh but you got a keeper! As I read this with just a little more patience than you, but definitely not enough to read the whole thing (and I’m unexpectedly wheelchair-bound for the next 3 months) I kept thinking, “If I knew then half what I know now about my wife, I’d go through TEN of these if that was what it took!”, she’s just that great. No way I’d come near passing, but I’d just ask Laban for seven years to prove myself. I must say though that to continue valid, my positive assessment of the character of my intended must include the sense that she was intelligent enough to be gently led out of this nonsense obviously imposed upon her by her parents or “church”.

31. This made me laugh: 8. “Are you humble about seeking counsel or do you already have all the answers?”

    And then I kept reading, and all the laughter was scared out of me. How much is a woman worth? Should she only speak when spoken to? What. The. Truck.

    Also? When buying a house, I only had to show three months’ worth of financial documents. Apparently, courtship(which, let’s face it, is much easier to get out from under than a house) requires four.

    1. The only correct response I can see to being handed this thing would be “who the truck do you think you are?”.

       Anyone that answers that questionnaire deserves what they are getting into, IMO. 🙂

32. Public swimming? Really?

    Also – I’ve been with my partner for three years now. We’re getting married in seven weeks. We’ve done extensive pre-MARITAL counselling – and I still don’t know a lot of his answers to these questions.

    This survey is INSANE.

33. Question 25: He probably cannot win there. If he says he is spiritual, then he is full of pride; but if he is not, then he is carnal!

    Question 29: “I have fifteen disciples that follow me around everywhere I go.”

    Question 34: “You tell me what yours are first.”

    Question 50: How many times does your average teen/young person read through the Bible? Really?

    Questions 67 and 69. God’s will apparently does not matter; what does matter is what the children might be like!

    Question 79: “Situations like answering insane questionnaires cause me frustration. I respond with sarcastic, yet witty comments.”

    Question 84: No courting, unless you have three friends…

    Question 93: “All I wanted to do was ask you how your day went!!!” 😯

    1. 29: “Who are your disciples?”
       Really?

       What would the right answer to this question be?
       What would the wrong answer be?

       “Christina Aguilera. I taught her the words to the National Anthem.”
       ❓

34. God NEVER changes his mind. Question 181 is BLASPHEMY! I don’t know what pathetic imitation of a Church you got this from, Darrell, but this is definitely not genuine Church literature! Churches are far more intelligent than that!

    1. 100 to 103 can be revised down into a single question. That takes the total down to 420.

       1. Bollocks. That wasn’t supposed to be a reply to you old chap.

       2. Fundies are 420-friendly? Who knew?

35. JFC!!

    423 questions??

    401. What is your view on having Cable T.V. in your home?

    I’m guessing cable tv is bad?? it used to be all TV – now it’s just cable 🙂

    1. I think my roommate canceled ours- we don’t watch it. But we both have Netflix accounts. (Vive le Doctor Who!)

36. I started reading this with mild amusement, then as I scrolled down the page my jaw literally dropped.

    Unfortunately, like many of us, I know some people who probably either used this list or would have loved it. Who needs to date? 🙄

37. Never knew a stance on public swimming could be a deal breaker.

    1. The public swimming stuff is in reference to views on modesty – if a woman feels comfortable with wearing a swimsuit, what kind of swimsuit? Would she be comfortable exposing her body to a group of strangers, some of whom might be men? If you are her husband, would you permit her to put on such a display of lewdness? Would you restrict the type of swimwear she wears? Could she go to family swims as long as you accompanied her?

       I actually know a number of people for whom these types of questions raised serious issues. Ahhh yes those were the days…

38. I especially like that the first dozen or so questions are about seeing a counselor, which I’d probably need to do after answering all these ridiculous questions. Four hundred plus questions, with a bonus feature of Fun Random Capitalization and apostrophe’s’.

    Also, “310. Can I see your last 4 months worth of bank statements?” Wow.

    1. Q: “Can I see your last 4 months worth of bank statements”

       This is the tithe audit. They’ll review all incomings, calculate the pre-tax gross and multiply by 0.1. If your payments into the church bank account do not equal that amount, you’ll reduce your chances of getting the honey(ies).

       1. I like the way you use the plural there, Phil.

          1. Of course, a number of parties will be privy to the information supplied. Confidentiality is a one way street 😉

          2. I meant using “honeys” as opposed to “honey.”

    2. My answer to 310:
       You’ll have to find them first. I have no idea where they are.

    3. A great answer to 310 would be: “Actually, you can see ALL of my bank, credit card, and other financial statements if we get married. Certainly you didn’t mean that I should hand over personal, sensitive financial information to someone I barely know, as that would demonstrate poor financial skills.” 😆

39. I think everyone has missed the point. The public facing part of this is for counseling. The real purpose of it is to collect sermon illustrations and blackmail church members into compliance with the will of the pastor.

40. This list is so Draconian. It makes me wonder if anyone qualifies.

    “Are you human? Yes? You fail”

    1. Out of the many, many witty and funny comments about this goof ball list, yours literally made me LOL. I smiled at many, but laughed at yours. It does get down to the essence of things – no mere human could pass this ridiculous 400+ questionnaire 😆

41. I could just imagine our old MOG eating his heart out if he got me to go through all those questions with him. 👿

    Worse yet, I’d get interrogated if I refused to answer any of them. Then of course I’d have been “marked” as a rebel and cut off from ever courting in the first place.

    That wouldn’t have been such a bad thing actually. 😆

42. I never encountered this stuff at Fundy U. I encountered it at SBTS.

    1. Ditto.

43. 406. How do you respond when you see a girl that isn’t dressed right?

    Beat her until she runs back into the burning building! 🙄

    1. I avert my eyes.
       That’s why I’m in traffic court so often.
       Pesky pedestrian crosswalks!

       1. Too many syllables for a haiku, but it almost works!

          1. DECENCY HAIKU

             I avert my eyes,
             which gets me in traffic court.
             Cursed pedestrians!

    2. Hey, it’s in the handbook.

    3. That’s “Beat her until she runs back into the burning building! Al’lah’u Akbar!”

       1. or “Thanks God that I am at Pensacola ‘christian’ College.”

44. >93. Why do you feel like I’m the one for you?<

    That's terrifying.

45. 299. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?

    do fundies buy their houses with cash?? b/c that’s pretty awesome.

    1. Fundy megapastors do, everyone else just keeps renting.

    2. If you’re super spiritual, you will be working in “the ministry” and therefore only be eligible for food stamps, soup kitchens, and Section 8 housing. A mortgage won’t even be a distant dream. You won’t have enough money to have a pre-paid debit card or even a Tracfone. Cell phones are evil and from the pit of hell anyway.

       1. Cell phones are evil UNLESS you are the pastor and are using them to take pics of illegal sex acts between you and a minor you illegally trafficked for said purpose …

          1. A minor who has Polished Your Shaft.

       2. And you may be eligible for government assistance, but (with the exception of WIC) you’ll never apply for it because to do so is to display a lack of faith in God’s provision. Also, you have to be inducted into the Democratic party to take part in assistance programs, apparently. 🙄

46. Insane. That anyone would willingly let another person invade their privacy like that is very sad. And not realizing that their answers WILL be used against them at some point is even more sad. 😥

47. I have a 150+ point questionnaire in my archives that I picked up along the way and I thought that one was bad. 🙄

    Celebrating my 20th anniversary today and thanking God that I didn’t have to jump through these kinds of hoops – and we have a great marriage. If my son ever comes home with a questionnaire like this my advice to him will be to keep looking. Any father who is so lazy that he won’t take the time to get to know a guy instead of making him write a master’s thesis about himself probably isn’t someone you want to end up related to.

    Jim K.

    1. I’d been reading it as one young person to another, but you know what? I think you’re right: This is from the girl’s father to the boy in question. And that gives me even more shivers. Talk about intrusive, overbearing, controlling and creepy …

       I didn’t even introduce my husband to my own parents until a few weeks before we married. 😀

    2. Happy Anniversary!

48. I can’t believe I just wasted 45 minutes reading that whole thing.

    1. With as long as it took to READ it, I can’t imagine having to actually construct serious answers for every single question. Ugh.

49. This list brought something to the edge of my memory. When I was single and attending Bible college, there was a book (by one of John R. Rice’s daughters?) circulating among the girls about what to look for in a husband. I distinctly remember that one non-negotiable was that he must always have clean fingernails.

    1. I am an aircraft mechanic that uses weird sealants and greases that stain and are very hard to clean from fingernails and finger tips. I’m glad my wife doesn’t think the fingernails are a non-negotiable.

       She works at a plant store/nursery. I don’t see that as a non-negotiable either.

       I can see the old Love is… cartoon now—“Love is never having to hide your fingernails”.

       1. My husband has spent his life taking care of his family with those hands that get very dirty at work – and at home as we work together around the house and in the yard.

          Lists like this are just stupid. Character counts – and you can’t find out someone’s character when he or she fills out a questionnaire. You have to spend time together.

    2. “He must always have clean fingernails” is code for “I will not accept a man who works with his hands.”

       I utterly reject this attitude. Labor is honorable.

       The same goes for a woman and her fingernails.

       1. Genesis 2:15 is where man gets his command from God to work:
          The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. (NIV)
          And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it (KJV)

          Man was given a dirty job before the Fall, so finger dirtying work was expected before sin, not as a result of it.

          1. I’m guessing a good fundy would not only claim that dirt didn’t stick under fingernails before the fall, but that sh*t didn’t stink either. 🙂

50. Moral Standards
    152. What are your views on public swimming?
    I prefer skinny dipping in the Med.

    153. Do you use offensive language?
    If it gets me what I want.

    154. Do you watch television, R-rated movies? PG-rated movies? What were the last five movies you watched?
    I don’t have a TV, but I download shows illegally. Same with movies. Iron Man3, Star Trek, Dark Night Rises, Sherlock Holmes 2

    155. What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find offensive?
    Metal. Gospel.

    156. Have you ever been exposed to pornography? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
    Have you ever used the internet?

    157. Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
    Does watching Modern Family count?

    158. Do you currently use any type of drugs? Have you in your past? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
    Only if Four Roses Single Barrel counts.

    159. Do you have any financial debt? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
    Oh, yeah. Student loans mostly.

    160. Have you ever been in trouble with the law? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.
    No, despite my best efforts.

    161. What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism?
    I am prejudiced against stupid people, and have no tolerance for racism of any kind.

    162. Have you ever had periods of rebellion? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances. Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?
    No, I have not had periods of rebellion. It is more like a constant state of mind. I have more unsettled issues with my parents than with the IRS.

    1. “157. Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.”

       Where the heck do these people live? Do they never walk on the sidewalk, go to the park, shop in stores, eat in restaurants, get their hair cut, go to a florist, or visit offices?

       “162. Have you ever had periods of rebellion? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances. Are there any unsettled issues with your parents?”

       My period of rebellion started the day I was born and looks likely to persist for quite a while yet.

       My parents being still alive, yes, I have unsettled issued with them. Also with everyone else I know who is currently alive.

       1. “157. Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.”

          my sunday school teacher “knew” me… if you know what I mean…oh wait…he told me it was God’s work…nope, never 🙁 😐 😥

       2. I know there are still large swaths of the U.S. in which everybody who isn’t straight, asexual, or bi-in-love-with-the-approved-gender has to remain deeply closeted. But wow, “encounters with homosexuality” sure sounds like they’re fishing for a truthy story off of an approved list. Like, the mythical pair of gay guys with earrings and tight jeans groping each other at the park in front of the children, or the lesbians in sensible shoes stridently proclaiming feminism at the grocery store in front of the children, or the time that one guy who was OBVIOUSLY gay (because he dressed nicely or had a small dog or something) took a tract and blessed the giver.

    2. 155. What kind of music do you prefer? What kind of music would you find offensive?
       Metal. Gospel.

       Now I’m hoping there is such a thing as Metal-Gospel. 😈

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