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Friday Challenge: Tell A Whopper

1,046 Comments

Today’s challenge is to tell us a story that happened in fundyland and then let us guess whether or not it is true. The one criteria is that if the story is true it must be all true, if it is a lie then every part must be a lie. Be sure to come back at some point and let us know whether or not your tale was true!

Start spinning your yarns!

1,046 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Tell A Whopper”

  1. 1) I once heard a message almost entirely on the evils of stained-glass windows (with a few various Catholic bashing comments thrown in)

    2) To make a long story short… My friends husband (both active members in my old fundy church) wanted to have an affair with me. I was horrified to say that least and went straight to my pastor with this information. Since the man was in several ministries in the church, I thought he would want to know. You know what he told me?? That I was mistaken!! I must have misunderstood his intentions and twisted things around in my mind!!! I should note that the man was the pastors best friends son. He has since left his wife and 5 kids for another woman. Go figure. 🙁

    2. I say true.
      Perhaps #2 was a blessing for you, if it helped get you out of that church.

      1. 1) Not true!! Though I have heard preaching against stained-glass, but only briefly mentioned in a sermon 🙂
        2) Unfortunately 100% true 🙁 Yes, it was super creepy, and yes (though a while later) it did have a part in getting me to leave the cult.

  2. Once while I was preaching in GA south of Atlanta somewhere a huge rattlesnake came slithering up the center aisle of the church. The service was suspended while the reptile was bludgeoned to death. This made resuming my message after the break nearly impossible since nobody was paying attention. Including me.

    1. Should have gone straight to the invitation. “Satan showed up here today to disrupt this service, but we’re not gonna let him have the vicktree, HAYMEN?” Everyone would have had to walk the aisles.

      1. Tom Farrell was preaching the evening service at camp when a frog jumped on the window screen and all the girls sitting near the window jumped up and screamed. He stopped preaching and prayed that God would not allow Satan to interfere with the service anymore.

        I wondered who would name a frog Satan. 🙄 (True story)

  3. Here’s another one:

    My Baptist high school banned Tommy Hilfiger-brand clothing because some pastor heard Mr. Hilfiger is gay.

    Tommy Hilfiger is currently married to his 2nd wife and has five children.

      2. Having a second wife is never as wrong as catching the gay. in fact, it proves you’re willing to double down on your attempt at straight!

    2. True. I never knew of any place that would ban it, myself, but I remember hearing TH bashed, either from the pulpit or pew, so there’s not a doubt in my mind a place would ban it.

      Then there was the day one of my former pastor’s sons told a few of us that GAP stood for “Gay on Purpose”.

      1. ‘… GAP stood for “Gay on Purpose”’.

        Great spelling there, Pastor’s Son! 😮

    3. Our school banned TH because of this reason, and also Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister because of their advertising.

  4. Where did I first hear the grand old hymn “I’m No Kin to the Monkey”? At a nursing home in the Chicago area. It seems that two young men who were HAC students taught it to the octogenarians in the commons room. They were doing a weekly nursing home visitation ministry.

    1. I’m sure the biggest concern of people in nursing homes is whether or not they are kin to the monkey. 🙄

  5. My old fundy church had a harvest party. The young kids leader at the time was a hyles grad. After the party he looked at all the leftover pumpkins and offered them to the ladies to make pumpkin pies. My mother told him you don’t really make pumpkin pies with pumkins but you go to the store to buy canned pumpkin. He replied, well forget it my wife will make them she’s godly that way.

    1. Oh, you can make pumpkin pie with pumpkins, but I sure wouldn’t use a jack o’ lantern pumpkin. You need those little bitty pie pumpkins.

      And I have no doubt this story is true.

    2. It actually depends on how much time and patience you had (and how willing you were to use said time in making pumpkin pie.) I remember my mother always using fresh pumpkin. And no, I’m not ancient; not 50 yet, and I graduated from high school in ’83. Mom just happened to love to cook.

        1. my mother was too worried about that quiverfull verse to be worried about Prov. 31

    3. I’ve made pumpkin pie from Jack-O-Lanterns. But it does take a good deal of time to peel and cook the pumpkin and mash it and so on.
      And the pumpkin in the can is from a different kind of pumpkin or winter squash that does not look like a Jack-O-Lantern. It has a smoother (less fibrous) flesh, apparently.

    4. I’d like to hope My Wife Is Godly remembered to include the candle wax in her husband’s pie. 😀

  6. I preached in a church in rural VA while I was on deputation. The church had a huge Confederate flag on the podium instead of an American flag. All of the men and most of the women brought pistols with them to church. The pastor and deacons met behind the church after the service to shoot cans off a stump with their sawed-off shotguns. The church potluck included raccoon, among other local delicacies.

    1. I’m guessing true. I once attended a church youth rally in Pahokee, Florida, where the hosting church served gator and snake.

      2. In Natchitoches, Louisiana, where we lived during the early ’80s, the Kappa Alpha boys used to sell squirrel gumbo during the annual Christmas Festival.

        I know that’s not fundy-church-related, but I thought it was pretty cool. No, I never ate any. I do love gumbo, though.

    2. In rural Virginia? I’d suspect a lie if you said there was NOT at least one Confederate flag on the podium.

      They were shooting cans with sawed-off shotguns? That’s a feat of marksmanship equivalent to hitting the broad side of a barn from one foot away.

    3. Once visited a church in Southern IN. They told us to stand up and sing the National Anthem. Being from the north, I was thrilled to see patriotism from these South-Will-Rise-Again people. BUT, they hauled out a giant Confederate flag and started singing “Dixie”. I stayed in my sit and worried about being lynched by the people throwing me wicked glares.

  7. OK. Try this one. When I was in my teens I was a bus captain. Somehow the bus director found out I played Solitaire with a real deck of cards so during the bus meeting one Saturday morning he went off on me in front of all the bus workers because cards were wicked. When I pointed out to him that he and his family played Uno and Skip-Bo he just said “That’s different” and kept on yelling. He challenged me to ask the youth pastor if playing cards were evil. When I told him I would do it he laughed and said “No you won’t! You’re too much of a sissy and a coward to ask.” I asked my youth pastor if he thought my playing Solitaire was wrong. He said he had no problem with it even if I was using regular playing cards. When I passed this information on to the bus director things got worse. He starting telling me I was not right with God because I read comic books, he got jackets for all the bus workers except me saying “Looks like they ran out”. He would ask me during the meetings how many hours I had spent visiting my bus kids and would accuse me of lying no matter what I said and then he eventually removed me as bus captain. By the way, he was also my brother-in-law.

    1. I’m guessing True, esp if this jerk is your sister’s husband and trying to throw his weight around in the family. 😡 Feel sorry for her. 🙁

      1. Yes the story is true and believe it or not they have a very happy marriage and have raised some very good kids. He has lightened up over the years, letting his daughters wear pants and they even go to the movie theater. But to them I still just a walking piece of spiritual garbage 😥

        2. I’m sorry, Jason. Those words you picked of how he treats you are so powerful. It makes him sound like the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son, so sure of his own righteousness and so superior (in his own mind) to his brother.

          It’s sad to see people like him so busy “serving God” yet who miss utterly the love that Christ says we are to have.

  8. I attended a winter camp at a Baptist Church in PA. I had come with a friend and when we got there the camp folks put our stuff in the back of a pick up truck (to be hauled later to our cabin) while we went inside the church building for the first “revival” of the weekend.

    Anyway, when we came out after the rousing sermon it had snowed hard. While on the porch of the church I said, “My stuff is soaked”. Some Pastor from another church heard me and approached me because he thought I said “sucked”. I remember the guy had a coonskin cap on. I unsuccessfully defended myself and he took my name down. The next day I was brought in by the camp director, roundly chastised and threatened with the “we are going to report this to your parents” punishment. To my knowledge they never did. Either that or my parents just didn’t care.

      1. They wouldn’t have. He didn’t hear the whole phrase. All the thought he heard was the word “sucked”. That’s all it took.

  9. I once showed up at a scheduled meeting in Ohio. The pastor announced that i was a missionary to Country X. He then proceeded to talk about his great burden for that country, how he had gone on missions trips there and how he had invited me there because I was a missionary to Country X. I, of course, wasnt going to that particular country as a missionary. A fact that was clear to anyone who read my letters, visited my website or looked at my prayer card.

    2. The same thing happened to me. The only difference was that the church had already supported us for at least 10 years and still didn’t know where we were. It was also in OH.

  10. I remember a nice young couple who decided to take every evidence of ‘evil’ from their home. Ok. They got rid of a lot of books and tapes of TV programs that they deemed objectionable. Ok. It was when they were wondering about some horseshoes that happened to be part of the decorations on the ceiling fan that I started to back away slowly.

    I also read a story about a group of men who went camping. One of them was so disturbed by the Native American based pattern on a blanket that he could not sleep in the same room with it. He had to take it outside.

  11. 1. My husband’s sister got engaged while she was at Fundy U. Right after the engagement, she went dress shopping and, shockingly enough, found an already modest, on-sale wedding dress and bought it. When she got home and started planning her wedding, her pastor wouldn’t let her wear the dress because it was ivory and not pure white.
    2. The staff members at the Fundy church that I still (grudgingly) attend aren’t allowed to say “No problem” if someone thanks them for something. They are supposed to say “My pleasure.” They are also not allowed to fist-bump anybody.

    2. I wore a vintage, family heirloom, ivory wedding gown. I did not get married in the church, because only virgins were allowed to wear white, and I really didn’t want my wedding guests to be wondering, “Did she, or didn’t she?” during my ceremony.

      1. I mean, were they checking to see if these girls were virgins, or was it on the honor system?

        I’ll bet you were stunning in your vintage dress.

        1. When shopping for my wedding dress, I was torn between two lovely gowns, one Snow White, the other ivory with a gorgeous cafe au lait band at the hem. Everyone agreed the ivory looked best with my skin tone and figure, but my mom & grandma pushed for white. In my grandma’s words, if I could wear white, I should. 😕

        2. It was in the wedding rules, that you had to be a virgin to wear white. It was on the honor system, but I’m sure if a girl had admitted in counselling of having prior sexual experience, the pastor would have an issue with her wearing white. This rule always made me snicker when ladies I knew weren’t ‘supposed’ to wear white, most certainly did. Ha!

      2. I hate that white wedding dress thing. Not everyone is flattered by pure white, and isn’t the point to look your best? But it’s all just a religious urban myth. Millions of people in Western society were married in perfectly beautiful non-white dresses for hundreds of years. You want to know why white wedding dresses are popular in modern, Western society? It has absolutely nothing to do with announcing virginity. It has everything to do with the fact the Victoria wore a white dress when she married Albert, and it became all the rage. Seriously. If I ever get married, I’m wearing dove gray in an art deco style and to hell with people who want to speculate on my state of sexual activity based solely on the color of my wedding dress. Blargh. /fashionhistoryrant

        1. I wore a gorgeous red dress with a sheer beaded overlay. It was about knee length — I married in the courthouse — but I felt more beautiful than I ever had before. White would never have flattered my beyond-pale skin and left me looking washed-out.

          Your dream dress sounds stunning. Dove gray is a lovely, muted color.

        2. Bright white looks horrible on my skin. I chose an off-white dress which I loved. It did cross my mind what people might think — I was most certainly a virgin — but my church was small and the people were gracious (no silly rules about dress colors) so I picked a dress that made me feel beautiful. And it still was WHITE (a TYPE of white!)

        3. Thanks for this. I’d always stressed over whether or not I could wear white if I remarry, and I really want to. So now I’m just not going to care 🙂

        4. If I were ever to get married again (which I am not planning on since I am happily married 🙂 ) I would get a white dress with a lot of black accents or a black dress with white accents. Something like this http://www.lolosbridal.com/blog/black-and-white-wedding-dresses-inspiration-3/black-wedding-dress-so-relieved-3/

          I have a friend that owns a bridal store and she posted some pictures of beautiful black wedding dresses. She was quickly berated by the wife of a Bill Rice Ranch evangelist because those dresses were not white! My friend replied to her very graciously, but I was like 😯

        5. When my cousin got married the groom had to walk down the aisle first, on the white runner to symbolize his virginity.

    3. I’ve heard a CEO say that he did not want his staff to answer a request with, “No problem” because he doesn’t care whether or not it is a “problem.” They are getting paid to do what he says, so they better do it whether they want to or not.

      Instead, he said, they should respond by saying, “Yes sir” or “As you wish.”

      I don’t recall him suggesting to say, “My pleasure” as he might take issue with that as well.

      When I read this, I thought, “What a jerk.” But apparently most CEO’s (both in the corporate world and in IFBdom) tend to be so.

    5. I call shenanigans. Men don’t know the difference between the different shades of white.

  12. Ok. Last one.

    The Dean of Men of a certain Greenville, South Carolina-based University called a required meeting for all male students to discuss the sin masturbation. His lecture included the following quote: “If you struggle with this (masturbation), come see me or one of the dorm supervisors, and we can help you beat it.”

    1. Oooooh boy, whether it’s true or not, it’s the choice of words, “Beat It”, that make this one irresistible. 😳

    3. 😛 TRUE 😛

      The meeting occurs once every 4 years. I still have a copy of the hand-out we all received. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

      1. It’s just not right that you’re keeping this precious document to yourself. You need to share with us!

        1. oh it’s a doosy!! I’ll have to look for it in my files. It’s got such wonderful phrases like “Why drink from a toilet when you can be eating a steak?” and other literary gems that one would expect to be written by somebody who received an honorary doctorate….from the school where he works.

        2. “Why drink from a toilet when you can be eating a steak?”
          Now there’s a mixed metaphor that will leave me wondering the rest of the day. 😕 Of course our dog sees nothing wrong with doing either. 😛

    4. Q: “Do you have a problem with masturbation?”

      A: “Nope. I’m pretty good at it.”

  13. I was told by at least 2 mogs that the reason Africans (descendents of Ham apparently) are black is because god cursed Ham for having gay sex with his father Noah. Yeah.

    2. Oh man… There is a person I call a friend, except that he stands firmly on this curse of Ham thing. All the way to the point that he’d go down in flames defending his position.
      Therefore, true.

    3. Yeah, I’ve heard this one before. True (not the stuff about Ham, but that Fundies tell this story).

  14. This one time, at Bible college, we were in a nouthetic counseling class and our teacher told us that if a husband masturbates (sin! sin!!!!), it’s his wife’s “fault” for not satisfying him sexually.

    1. If the wife masturbates, is it the hubby’s fault for not satisfying her sexually? 😈

      1. I’m pretty sure fundy men don’t acknowledge the possibility of women masturbating. 😯

        1. Fundy men don’t acknowledge sexual pleasure for women. “What’s a clitoris?”

        2. “What’s a clitoris?”

          It’s one of those demon liberal foreign electric cars. Amen?

  15. This one time, at Bible college, a girl got sexually assaulted while she was out one morning jogging before class. She didn’t immediately report it, but she did skip her classes that day. She then made the mistake of telling one of her friends, who promptly reported it, and the girl ended up getting campused because she skipped class.The school never reported the assault.

  16. I once accidentally “liked” SFL on Facebook. I paniced and told everyone my account had been hacked.

    3. This one is a lie. The reason I haven’t liked SFL on Facebook? Well….errr….if I were to do that I would have to tell everyone that my account was hacked. :mrgreen:

      1. I *think* you can prevent people from seeing your likes. Probably can’t stop them from seeing public comments, though.

      2. Omg, I love it!! I finally just liked them on FB the other day 🙂 I am starting to really not care anymore. Not in a bad way at all, just moving on with my life and being myself 😀

        1. I didn’t like SFL on fb for a long time. I finally did, although I don’t comment much. I did write a comment on a funny picture once though and an IFB pastor’s wife wrote me a PM asking, “Did you know that when you commented on this picture it showed up on my live feed?” I told her that I thought it was funny.

    4. LOL. When I first discovered SFL, I was pretty angry at my church, so I kept linking to blog posts. Over and over again. Pissed off a lot of people (and enjoyed myself thoroughly).

  17. This one time, at Bible college, I planned a surprise birthday party for my roomie. When the dorm supervisor found out, I was given demerits for using rainbow-colored decorations. I was just wanting things bright and pretty, but apparently I was (unbeknownst to myself) celebrating teh gayz.

    1. Hope it didn’t get stuck…

      If it happened while you were married, you could blame your husband. 😳

  19. A few weeks ago my fundy pastor was describing in a Sunday morning sermon his several hours of prayer the Saturday before. He said Jesus was there with him. And he asked Jesus to walk down the center isle and meet him at the altar. He said Jesus ran to meet him. Then they said wedding vows to each other and were married.

      1. Fortunately he did mostly leave off there. He said if we’ve never had an experience like that we don’t have a relationship with God

        1. I had a sunday school teacher tell me something very similar, that if you don’t have face-to-face conversations with God (where God responds and everything), than you’re not a real Christian. He also told me that he went to Bermuda and saw witches flying around… crazy stuff 😯

  20. Young man at my IFB church was going to have a graduation party at his house. He was graduating from the church’s school. The invitations for the party indicated that the pool would be open, and requested that people bring “modest” swimming apparel.

    Young man and his father were called into the pastor’s office. Pastor told them that, if he allowed mixed bathing at the party, then staff members would not be allowed to go. If they did, they would be disciplined.

  21. The funny thing is that most of these are true. You just can’t lie much better than a fundy true experience.

    1. Which is why this is such a valuable group.

      Tell these stories to anyone outside fundamentalism and they’d think were we making it all up, but we who lived them know they were true.

      2. Yeah, it’s awkward when people are sharing childhood stories and you tell something like the above. (“This one time, our youth group had a bonfire and I burned my John Michael Montgomery and Twila Paris cassettes as a sign of my devotion to God.” 😯 *crickets*)

        Most people think that you just have a dark sense of humor or hate religion. They simply can’t grasp that people actually grew up like this.

  22. This one time, in church, there was a choir member who’d gotten pregnant. By someone not her husband. She and her husband were in the middle of divorce proceedings at the time, and she was dating another man. As time went on, the pregnancy became very obvious. No one ever said ANYthing. When her divorce was finalized, she married baby daddy. Still, no one said anything.

    Talk around the nursery (you know, fundy gossip central) was that this was ok because neither her husband nor her boyfriend/husband were saved, so it’s not like she was REALLY sinning.

    1. That has GOT to be a lie. Whatever the status of the men involved it is ALWAYS and Without Exception the woman’s fault, no matter what happens. 👿

      1. This was actually true.

        What was funny is how everyone was whispering that her marriages weren’t really REAL marriages because she was “unequally yoked.”

        Our fundy lite church had more than a few out-of-wedlock pregnancies, so this wasn’t really a BIG sin. The adulterous pregnancy, though, had to be explained away somehow, and that’s how they did it.

        This is the same church that refused to allow my husband and I to get married because he wasn’t a member and I was.

      2. Nah. It’s only her fault if she’s not one of the chosen people. If she’s one of the chosen, she gets to stay in church and the choir and sit a few seats down from the other guy’s wife in the choir loft. The husband will get the shaft (decidedly unpolished).

  23. A bus captain (whose bus route had highest attendance), was neglecting his family and his wife got fed up with it. She complained to the pastor, but was told she was wrong and should get right with God.

    The bus captain/husband said that God had promised him a huge number of people would get saved on his route, so he couldn’t spend less time in his ministry. The pastor backed him on it fully, bus captian’s wife left him, and the pastor proclaimed her “backslidden”

    Shortly after, the bus captian was cleaning the windshield of his bus, his wedding ring got caught on the wiper, he fell and it tore his wedding ring finger clear off!

    No one at the church saw this as a possible warning from God, but rather, an affirmation that he was doing right.

    1. Hmmm. The first part is plausible. The second part, though …

      I’ll say false.

      1. Sorry PPC, so sad and totally true! I’d publish the bus captian’s name, but wouldn’t want to embarrass his 1st wife. BTW, the pastor’s a Hyles’ clone. After all, wouldn’t want to sacrifice ‘numbers’ for a mere marriage! And the bus captian is still on a route trying to reach that huge number(10,000)that Jesus promised him!

  24. Trivial Friday my friends:

    1. What in”famous” IFB pastor became famous for staning on top of pulpits, threatening CCM artists, challenged Rick Warren to a fight, smashed televisions at Pastors School and said Jerry Falwell won’t get a star in his crown because he allowed women to wear pants?

    2. What comedian IFB Pastor was discipled by Jesse Duplantis behind closed doors and says he’s funnier than anybody on Saturday Night Live?

    3. What famous IFB “author” that was a disciple of Jack Hyles wrote three books on the KJV, publicly threatened Zondervan and the NIV and also said he would help Hyles beat up John MacArthur in heaven?

    4. Which IFB school allows the girls to wear pants/shorts in the dorms and whose students sneaked out of the dorms to attend a Carmen concert?

    2. Yes Larry Brown is #1. The other 3 should be pretty easy if you were raised hardcore fundy.

  25. During one tent revival week the temperature was forecast to be in the 90s with high humidity. The pastor announced at the start of the week that the men did not have to wear suits because of the heat. He said he was concerned about anyone getting heat exhaustion and needing help from the pramedic station that was next door.
    The End.

    2. No way! That preacher couldn’t have been an IFBx pastor! They never, never remove the holy relics!

      1. You are both correct. That is false.

        The story was born out of the memory of one year at tent revival when it was in the 90s with high humidity and I didn’t wear a suit (I did wear a nice shirt and tie)and was chastised for not wearing a suit.

        2. Sorry, George finally got me! I remember several camp meetings that were unbearably hot. Having an outdoor tent meeting during the one non-freezing month of the year in that area is just annoying! I remember begging to not wear stockings but being told it would be immoral to tempt the brethren.

  26. There’s the baptist church in Mississippi which thought to welcome more African American visitors by putting lawn jockeys and garden gnomes around its yard.

      1. 😳 I meant FANNY Granny, those fat-women-bending-over from behind things. At least lawn jockeys are three-dimensional.

  27. There’s the art museum in NW South Carolina which, paradocxically methinks, has a work of a very hunky Jesus carrying his cross, painted by Giovanni Bazzi, aka Il Sodoma.

  28. Windsor Hills Baptist in OKC became infamous for its stance on gun control and offered kids free target practice every year at their “teen camp.” Jim Vineyard wanted those kids to shoot first and ask them about the KJV second.

    2. True, AND Jim Vinyard donated a semiautomatic assault rifle to be given as a door prize during one summer youth camp.

      You can’t make this up.

    3. I was going through the archives and noticed Darrell posted a video from their youth conference where the guy jumped from the stage with “Footloose” playing the background. Vineyard was a true showman.

  29. There are the preachers who used to occupy the bench at Free Speech Alley outside the student union at the Louisiana State University campus. As dusk was falling, one began to yell in my direction, though I had no idea what he was saying. This kept on a bit more, and in fact, he pursued me. I finally told him that I had no idea what he was saying. He apologized and said that he thought I was Muslim and was preaching at me in Arabic. Then he tried to preach at me in English.

    1. False. I doubt a fundy would take the time to learn a 2nd language. Especially Arabic.

  30. When I was in my senior year of high school attending an ACE Christian School of my church, I was given swats with a wooden paddle (that had wholes drilled into it to increase the sting, you know …less wind resistance) because I disobeyed the rules?!

    My offense was that while lined up for the ringing of the 8 o’clock bell for the beginning of school in front of the building where no talking was allowed, well a visitor to the church asked me where the church office was. I politely answered her but was then guilty of talking in line and so not even 30 minutes after we walked into class, I was called to the “shed” and spanked because I broke the “No talking in line.” Rule!

    ~~~Heart 😯 👿 😳 🙄 😥

      1. Scorpio & Been There,

        You guys are right! It was true and I was sooooo sad! Occurrences such as that one were the catalysts that had me doubting the church! Glad to be out and to have never sent my children to Fundy schools!

        ~~~Heart 😀

        1. Wow, Heart! No grace from them and no sense of balance or common sense. Because they don’t want to develop that in students. They want mindless obedience.

          Is it any wonder why so many people who grew up under that view God as harsh and distant instead of everlastingly compassionate?

        2. Pastor’s Wife,

          Yes… You hit the nail on the head because as I have mentioned before, I had always thought and often struggle still, that God is angry with me, or displeased with my inept abilities! That’s the effect of fundamentalist thinking! Not healthy or right!

          ~~~Heart 🙁

    2. Definitely true! And if not true for you, I know that kind of stuff happened all the time at my old Fundie church/school in it’s early days.

    3. Dear Heart:

      It amazes me that some are able to rise above the idiotic abuse heaped on them. It amazes me that they still frequent church at all. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — God bless you, girl!

      Christian Socialist

      1. Awwww Christian Socialist…

        Thank you sooooo much! To be honest, through my journey, I have taken the complete reins in my life and now make my decisions very deliberately. I have unshackled the chains of fundamentalism and their view of God! Yes, there are many times that I impose self-discipline because of the old brainwashing days but then my husband or children or even I, myself, remind me to stop and think again and realize that I’m free!

        In regards to my dating, lol, I never did date a Mexican, not by deliberate avoidance at all. I married a Polish/French/German “white” man who was never tainted by fundamentalism! Thank God! And let me just say that the interracial combo gave us a gorgeous girl and a handsome guy!

        I am blessed! Thank you again Christian Socialist! You’re my blessing today! Great vibes are sent your way too!

        ~~~Heart 😀 😉

  31. Once upon a time in Fundyland, there was a sexually predatory pastor. One day a young couple started going to his church. It was circulated that this couple used to be into spouse-swapping.

    After some time, the pastor started counselling sessions with the wife. The husband told some of the deacons that they were having an affair, but no one believed him at the time. The wife told her children many years later that the pastor forcibly raped her on a regular basis.

    The affair lasted on and off for many years. The husband finally divorced the adulterous wife. The predator pastor’s wife finally left him.

    The predator pastor and spouse-swapping are now married and he is trying for yet another church.

      1. I say true, esp. the part about the preacher trying to get back behind a pulpit!

  32. My old fundy Mog used to preach against people backing their cars into parking spaces at church. He said they shouldn’t be “parking to leave” like that.

      1. I say true, sounds like my old fundie “it’s all about appearances” pastor!

  33. With encouragement of Scorpio, I was reminded of this time…
    A family needed help, they weren’t born again believers, but the IFB church gave all they had to this family because they had a genuine love for others.

    1. I say false because most fundies I know never heard of, much less read, Beowulf.

      (I’m one of those crazy people that think dinosaurs existed with humans in the beginning, that a few survived, and that those creatures did inspire all the dragon tales throughout so many cultures. I just never applied it to Beowulf though. Those monsters seem too human-like.)

  35. Ok. Last one for real this time.

    For the sake of modesty, my Baptist school required students to wear long pants (sweatpants or windpants) and a dark t-shirt while swimming at school camp even though swim time wasn’t co-ed.

    I stood on the bank of Whitewater Lake as a 7th grader and watched a kid in the grade above me drown. No charges were ever pressed nor lawsuits filed as far as I know.

    1. I utterly believe the first part because I’ve heard of such rules. Does that mean the second part must be true too because that’s horrifying?!!

    2. That’s a true story. It helps that you gave the name of the lake. (ie, the lake where Camp Joy is located)

      1. I remember that tragedy. We were told, in our local church, that a camper drowned, but not about the “long pants” requirement. It wouldn’t surprise me, though… I was a guest speaker at this camp for a couple/three years until the Camp Director/Megalomaniacal Tyrant’s daughter saw me jogging in shorts. (This was predawn hours, when all campers were asleep.) I was never invited back after that. Camp Joy! Ironic!

        1. My husband was the youth pastor at a fundy-lite church that was near the beach. At first we considered having the girls wear t-shirts over their bathing suits while swimming (and the guys offered to wear t-shirts too to be equal and fair). But when we considered the potential for rip-tides, we decided we didn’t want to do ANYTHING that could potentially contribute to a teen drowning so we changed the rules so teens could swim in normal bathing suits. We did ask the girls not to wear bikinis.

        2. What about tall girls who are tall enough a normal one piece feels like it’s trying to cut her in two? 😈

  36. How about the time the mens’ dorm was gathered together one evening and instead of a devotion it had been decided (because of health reasons) to show a video on how to check yourself for testicular cancer? The dean of men and science teacher were there too, haymen? Why the deans were so eager last time for every man to check themselves that they put up a checklist on the door of Student life so you could check your name off if you had done it! Haymen!

    1. I’ve “checked myself” daily for years now. Just don’t get caught checking. They don’t like how I do it.

  37. Once upon a time a group of Bible college students went to a camp to be counselors and program directors. Upon their arrival, those in charge of the camp asked to see the chorus book they had made up, and ripped out one of the songs because it contained the word “tongues”.

    Detail: The chorus was I Corinthians 13, pretty much verbatim, set to music.

    1. I’d say true seeing that in our own church a deacon’s wife objected to us singing the chorus, “You Are the God That Healeth Me”. She didn’t like it because it reminded her of the false claims of faith healers. I thought she ought to take up her objections with the Scripture since it’s based directly on a Bible verse.

  38. Hearing Chuck Phelps say that the Gospel is not the center of our life. Now that was a doozy. He really went out of his way to romp on Sovereign Grace and CJ Mahaney

  39. I was a cheerleader at HAC my first year. My second year I tried out but I wasn’t chosen. Carol Frye called me in and told me she was sorry that I wasn’t chosen this year but that they needed to give positions to girls who needed it? But her main point was that she then proceeded to tell me that she wanted to help me because she felt bad that there weren’t more Mexicans attending HAC so that I could date! She had a plan to fill my dating void, which in her eyes could not exist at HAC because of my race!…. Um what?????

    For the record, yes, I am Mexican and for the record, not that it mattered, but I had never even dated a Mexican nor even differentiated or made selections based on ethnicity!

    ~~~Heart 😯

      1. Anton,

        Yes, unfortunately it was true. Such a disgraceful reality of bigotry cloaked in false concern, complete prejudice!

        ~~~Heart 🙁

    2. So now Mexican is a race?
      Not that I think it matters, but Mexico is about 10 miles from my house, and the people on that side of the border look about the same as the people on this side.

      1. Mexican’s are a dilemma to IFBx’ers. Carol Frye couldn’t with a clear conscience, find a date for Heart even if there was a full-blooded Spaniard, or a full-blooded Aztec attending HAC! Mexicans only date other Mexicans! The IFBx unwritten, twisted rule!

        1. I had left California to attend HAC. I had never ever experienced such prejudice until I had come to the Midwestern HAC! Very sad! I always had dates back home but at HAC I pretty much didn’t date at all. Twenty years later I ran into a college acquaintance and he told me that my bus captain had had such a wild crush on me for the longest time. He drove his roommate, the guy telling me this story, crazy every weekend by talking about having been around me on while working on the route… BUT… he never asked me out. I wonder why? Guess it was that unspoken rule! Hurtful!

          ~~~Heart 😳

        2. I am whiter than white. My uncle married a Japanese woman, and two cousins married hispanics. (A cousin’s husband referred to their two children as ‘vanilla beans’ on facebook; took me a few seconds to get it!) Anyway, I love my family! Couldn’t imagine them without everyone there, whether white, Asian, hispanic, or the kids, who are combos!

    4. An IFB MOg only admits he’s (possibly) wrong as a pretext for bragging about his tremendous humility.

  42. One of our favorite activities in the dorm at Fundy U was to play “rapture” on other people. We’d lay the clothes we were wearing in piles on the floor or across the bed as though we’d been “raptured” out of them, change into other clothes, and hide in someone else’s room until our roommate returned. One time this happened and our roommate ran up and down the hall looking for people. She saw the RA and ran up to her, yelling, “Why are you still here?!?”

    3. Whether it’s true or not, that just sounds like so much fun when you have the right victims. 😆

  43. I was on staff in the 80’s a Hyles-type IFB church where one assistant pastor had left his wife and kids to run off with another man’s wife, and another assistant pastor left his wife and kids to run off with a man 😳 . One day I was called into the senior pastor’s office to be yelled at for a solid half hour for the gravest transgression of all: someone saw my wife in a public place wearing blue jeans and ratted her out to the pastor. I was threatened with termination if I did not immediately demand that my wife destroy all legged garments in her possession.

    1. Clearly your wife’s blue jeans were the source of the sin in the camp. I’m sure once she got rid of them, no more men were tempted to leave their wives for other women (or, ahem, men). Thank goodness the church was saved from this terrible wickedness!

      Oh, and true. Sad but true.

    2. I hope that for your sake part of the tirade implied that your wife filled out those wicked jeans in a very shapely way. 😉

  44. In a small Christian school in Scotts, MI, someone wrote a couple bad words on the wall in the boy’s room. The pastor started questioning the boys one by one and none of them confessed. He then threatened to suspend every person in the school until someone confessed. The big problem was that if you were suspended, you got zeroes for the days you were and it would affect grades. No one confessed and he had to suspend everyone. The families of several students came to the pastor to complain and he would not back down.

    One kid ended up confessing. His punishment was to publicly apologize and clean the walls and a couple days suspension..

  45. I have one you’ll never believe:
    “I got expelled from a Fundy U for having too many demerits. (Mostly accumulated by one thing that happened with a girlfriend) It was two weeks before school was out and I lost all of my credits for the second semester of the year. After getting expelled, the chancellor called me in the office and asked me what happened. He treated me with kindness and assured me that getting expelled was not the end of the world. He invited me to go on the road with him and another staff guy to a meeting he had scheduled at another church on the other side of the state. He put me up in a nice hotel room, paid all my meals and when he got to the church that he was preaching at, he introduced me as one of “his boys”. I was pleasantly surprised by how I was treated after being expelled. It compelled me to go back the next year and finish my degree.

    1. If you didn’t get caught going ‘all the way’ with your girlfriend, and it was only, maybe something like breaking the “6 in. sitting too close rule’….then yeah, I could believe there’s a fundie chancellor, or two, out there with enough compassion.

    2. I’ll assume you’re male, and if you are, it doesn’t surprise me in the least.

      That’s because IFB men are never to blame for improprieties. It’s always the harlot’s fault.

      1. lol, just noticed you said “on of his boys,” in which case, you’re male. That’s like a free pass to any kind of peccadilloes.

        1. (And now I notice I’m sounding really snotty and bitter towards you. I apologize. I didn’t get anywhere near that kind of grace when I was discovered in a compromising position with my then-fiance. I was immediately expelled and shamed beyond belief. He was allowed to graduate and more. Yes, I may be a little bitter over the incident).

        2. PP, I can totally understand why you would sound bitter. The situation makes me sick. I have another story, but I don’t feel comfortable telling it.

        3. I didn’t even think about that angle. You’re probably right. I were a girl, it would have been more of a scandal and shame.

  46. 3rd generation Texan of Mexican heritage preacher boy proposes to fundy-lite white girl (both of them in the 24-26 age group). Girl’s daddy won’t give his consent because it would be an inter-racial marriage. No engagement.

    1. Technically, Hispanics are considered “white” for their race.

      I was in a church once where the pastor told a black and white couple they were not allowed to marry because the Bible is against interracial marriage (some nonsense about the Israelites having to marry within their tribes, extrapolated to modern day America). Funny thing was, the same pastor supported an Asian/white couple on the mission field.

      1. The Hispanic thing depends. There are people who consider themselves white Hispanics and there are non-white Hispanics, “Hispanic” being more often a reference to culture than to ethnic group. At any rate, it can be complicated. But that dad was just a bigot.

        Woah. I’ve heard Israel used as a justification for being against inter-racial marriage, but I’ve never heard the tribe thing. Talk about serious misapplication of scripture. I’ve always heard the “Israelites were not allowed to marry outside of Israel–look at all those verses that commanded them not to marry to the peoples of the land! Thus, white people are not to marry other races!” Ridiculous. And, like you, I’ve seen those same people make exceptions for men marrying Asian women….

        1. Gosh… It really all just boils down to nothing more or less than people being prejudice against ethnicities who’s “external appearances” are unlike their own. It’s wrong. I understand that it’s a personal preference but then it should be that person’s prerogative and not and “underlying unspoken rule” of a Christian college or institute.

          Like I mentioned before, I never was treated with that kind of ethnic prejudice in my world in California, be it my church or the secular world! I especially felt that your “Southern Bells” were quite the opposite of gracious in their demeanor and often curt and dismissive. So much for that etiquette that seemed to be boasted abouth southern hospitality. Rrriiiiiight!

          Just am so ever thankful that I did not get my “Mrs. Degree” there at HAC! God had so much more to give me instead! Yay!

          ~~~Heart 🙂

        2. Both my white cousins who married hispanic men are from So Cal., too. And here in So Az it also doesn’t seem to be a big deal, even in what Fundy culture I’ve seen.

  47. After 10 years of abuse (and attempting marriage counseling), my cousin left her husband and is planning to get divorced. She had to go back to work when they separated, so she applied for an open teaching position at the Christian school where she used to teach. He currently teaches in a different Christian school.

    She was denied the job because she is separated and seeking a divorce. His school allows him to continue to teach despite knowledge of his abuse, because she left him, and he wants to reconcile.

    The kicker is that two men on the school board that denied her the position, as well as the pastor of the church, are divorced and remarried. The reason they are allowed to be part of the school administration is that their divorces and remarriages happened before they “came to the Lord.” 🙄

    Also, a family member told her that if she and her ex had been having marriage problems, they should not have adopted their son from Vietnam. “He would have been better off staying in the orphanage than living in a broken home.” WTF? Who says that kind of sh**?? Oh yeah, my aunt. 😥

  48. I use to attend a Southern Baptist church. One Sunday, the pastor started preaching on how women were to dress. He told story after story of men he had counseled, all blaming women for their lust problems. He concluded the sermon by yelling out, “We don’t need you ladies to be dressin’ like a bunch of bimbos!!” “Shape up, women!!! Look what you cause men to do!!!” I got up and left.

  49. I once sat in an extreme IFB church where the pastor opened the Bible and preached an expository sermon. He ended without an invitation. He appealed to the people to take his words, compare them to the Scriptures throughout the week, and call him or come in and talk to him and if they thought he was wrong, he would love to hear their critiques.

    2. Everybody knows that fundies think “expository” is something perverts in trench coats do.

  50. Not exactly IFB but close enough: former SBC President and current SWBTS President Paige Patterson.

    FORT WORTH, Texas (BP)–Dressed in camouflage and stationed as the gunner in a Chenowth Desert Fast Attack Vehicle, Paige Patterson stormed onto the chapel stage.

    After firing a round of blanks from a .50-caliber Browning machine gun, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary’s president took his place behind the pulpit and initiated operation “Taking the Hill.”

    “We are taking the Hill,” Patterson announced Sept. 3. Taking the Hill is Southwestern’s effort to reach nearly 6,700 households within a one-mile radius of the Texas campus with the Gospel through door-to-door personal evangelism by teams of seminary students, faculty and staff.

    http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?id=31277

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