216 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Caption Schaap”

    1. “Billy your obvious staring at my weirdish receding hair-line will not get you on my good side.

      Samantha, you on the other hand can polish my knob any ole time you want. Gotcha!! Gotcha!! Making sure you 2 were paying attention. So how’s the HAC applications going? I know applying 5 years beforehand makes no sense but neither does anything I say. Gotcha! Gotcha!

      You 2 were nodding off and it’s Friday afternoon so cut me a lil’ slack.

      You 2 ever hear the story about how mine, Eddie Munster Lapina, Bob Hooker and so on and so forth have fake doctorates attached to our names so our institution looks better?? I know, I know, it sounds bad but Jesus doesn’t mind so no biggie.

  2. At FBCH, we send missionaries everywhere, even locally, just across the Illinois border. In fact, Miss, I would like to personally assist you in assuming the missionary position in Cook County.

    2. Digusting. Get your mind out of the gutter, but if you go to Cook County, you will be knee deep in sewage. :mrgreen:

    2. Wow, that’s just…..mean. As a parent I want to wrap my arms around my child and shelter them from that viciousness. Son, there are good, loving people in this world. This is not an example of one of them.

    5. Can you provide a transcript of what Shappy said? I’m sorry, I don’t speak “Schaap-Spittle” 🙄
      On a serious note, is it possible to see the rest of this “sermon”?

  8. “She likes photographs? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more, say no more. He said knowingly.”

    1. “Have you got some photographs you can send me? Know what I mean? Say no more! My cell number is….”

      1. Well I mean like you’ve er…you’ve done it…I mean like, you know…you’ve…er…you’ve slept…with a lady.

        Yes.

        What’s it like?

  9. As Jericho Plan recipients, you two will be assigned some tasks to do around the college as a way of saying “thanks”. Bobby, report to the groundskeeping. Sally, I have a rod that needs polishing and you seem to be the right one for the job.

  13. let’s talk about living a life for God. Are you both virgins? Of course you are… Son, here’s a little advice…It always helps me to sing “Amazing Grace” when I’m doing little ladies for the first time.

  14. I love to hear what an amazing tough guy Schaap thinks he is. “Knocking teeth out” is what he imagines he’d do if somebody says the wrong thing to him. We all know this clown has never been in a fight. And, if he thought he was about to be in one, his only move would be dialing 911.

    1. Thinking back, I realize that one of Schaap’s favorite sermon subjects is what a tough guy Jack Schaap is, followed closely by how powerful Schaap is and how much contempt Schaap has for most other people (especially women, but by no means just women).

      In this outburst, he manages to combine all of the above:
      http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2011/04/answering-their-critics/comment-page-1/#comments

      The ironic thing is that I’ve known a fair number of truly tough people, and most of them hardly ever talked about how tough they were. If you’re really a tough guy or tough gal, you don’t have to go around saying it all the time.

  15. So just to recap, in our reenactment of Genesis 39, Thaddeous you will play Potiphar. Rebekkah will be your wife. And I’ll play Joseph and show you what Joseph should have done.

  16. “I am so glad that you both have decided to stay here in our little family. It’s a big, bad world out there full of baaaaddd people. I will keep you safe, Dave.”

  20. “Young Lady, why did I see you at Studio 54 drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon?”

  24. Soooooooo I hadn’t seen the shaft polishing video until now. WOW.

    I have no words for how horrible that is.

    1. Sorry, that wasn’t intended to be a caption for the picture. I just needed some moral support.

        1. I’ll save you the trouble:

          Jack Schaap uses an arrow to simulae masturbation, all the while grunting, groaning and screaming in mock orgasm, ostensibly to demonstrate something or other about the phrase “polished shaft” in Isaiah 49:2.

          He more or less forces the entire Youth Conference to watch this, including his white-coated deputies behind him, who look on in obvious shock, but say nothing.

          Think I’m exaggerating? Then feel free to watch the video and judge for yourself.

        2. Isaiah 49:2? Well, at least I know now what verse he was pretending to illustrate. We couldn’t figure it out at all while we watched it.

          I still can’t figure out why no one stood up while he was in the middle of this debauchery and told him to stop, right there. That one guy in the upper left corner of the video has his mouth hanging open, but I couldn’t figure out if it was in shock or jealousy.

      1. Exactly, PW, I couldn’t watch the whole thing at first. 😳
        Then I thought, give him the benefit of the doubt.
        Well, I watched it again, hoping to get through it but when he began to talk about the boy, girl thing that convinced me, YIKES! 😯
        What a NUT! 🙄

      2. I watched it just before bed time. I felt nauseated and sleep escaped me. As has been mentioned, one of the most disturbing aspects are the males (i.e. “yes” groupies — I refuse to call them men) behind him who did NOTHING. IMO the are as guilty as JS by not snatching him off the platform and firing him on the spot from his pulpit porn!

  27. I went for the mandatory premarital counseling with the “man of god”. When his moral collapse was exposed, my wife finally felt free enough to tell me that he had been soliciting her when she was in his Bible college. I went for counseling from a man who wanted his way with my wife–welcome to Fundamentalism!!! (thankfully, she turned down his advances–how many did not?).

  29. In Jack’s mind “Well, she is a little old for me, but hey, she’s probably still fresh.”

    Coming out of Jack’s mouth “…then, once we have completed the mandatory 22 sessions of me meeting alone with the young lady, I will need to have my secretary take her to visit some motels in Illinois and Michigan that we approve of for your honeymoon. She can choose one.”

  30. Observe JS’s clenched jaw.
    He’s saying, “She’s all mine, kid, all mine!”
    Muahaaa 😈

  32. “Now young lady, don’t let yourself go. Keep yourself slim and trim for me, I mean your future husband.” He says while 😳

  33. Hello Thaddeus and Rebecca. I’m so glad you could come over to my house. As you know, a couple years ago I was about as low as a man could go. Everyone knows the details so there is no reason to repeat them, but I gave in to my sin and my own selfish, wicked desires. My life was exposed to the entire world. I hurt myself, my wife, my family, a young lady, the church, and countless others. There is no excuse for what I did. But I can sit before you now today and tell you that God is good! His grace is sufficient. For months I wept over my sin, but I can tell you he heals the broken-hearted. Glory to God alone! I yielded to Him and he has totally transformed my life. I don’t know what God has in store for me, but if he can use the Apostle Paul who in his own mind was the chief of sinners, I know he can still use me in some small way until he takes me home.

    1. Couple years?

      I appreciate your sentiment, but something like this isn’t the most easily recovered from…

    3. All kinds of “big men” in the Bible sinned and didn’t get to go right back to chasing their dreams. Moses didn’t enter the promised land, David didn’t get to build the temple etc. Schaap, no matter how repentant, should never be in a position of power over the innocent again. Sin has consequences.

      1. Amen, MKXcomm. I DO hope, Stan, that someday Jack truly is contrite and repentant, but I don’t want to see him in a position of authority and influence receiving the adulation and admiration of followers again.

      2. There is forgiveness and new life for those who repent.
        But, as I said the other day, I don’t think a sociopathic personality is capable of real, honest repentence. And if Schaap isn’t a sociopath, I must have wasted all those hours in psychology classes.

      3. I didn’t say anything about Jack going back and chasing his dreams. Yes, he’s disqualified himself from the ministry and he should never step behind a pulpit again. I hope he turns from much of what FBC, his father-in-law, and he stood for. His future sphere of influence will be (and should be) very limited. And true, the recovery could take a very, very long time. My point was that God can still use a broken-down person for his glory even in some small way (perhaps working with men with addictions or something of that nature). But if he is truly saved, I think many would not like to see him restored but would rather continue to count him as the enemy and not as a brother.

        1. Without irony or sarcasm, thanks Stan. This is a beautiful thought. My fear is that he will never reach that point. If he does, however, I hope I’ll have the grace to welcome him into the family.

          I hope it would never be said of us that we would wish people to fall from grace. That being said, there is a difference between people who sin because it’s all they’ve ever known, and people who teach and preach the Bible and still choose to abandon it for their sins.

      1. So, you agree with Stan so he must be a Christian. You don’t agree with the rest of us so we’re not?That’s an extremely presumptuous statement to make about another person’s soul.

        Thankfully, my eternal destiny is the hands of Jesus Christ, but your pronouncement of condemnation upon most of us here says something about YOU.

        1. Tou silly “pastors” “wife”. Try thinking before speaking. I said CHRISTIAN, not saved person or born again child of God. Lots of saved people do not act as REAL CHRISTIONS. You are obviously one of them seeing you could not help but blatantly expose the conviction my simo,e and shallow statement put you under. I will pray for your husband……..

        2. My own: I could think of several things to say to you, but first, you should think about rereading your comments before you post them. You know, so it makes sense to the rest of us.
          Also, you are an idiot.

        3. Actually, You are the ignorant idiot. They things you would like to say to me could NO DOUBT besaid to yourself in a mirror, so save yourself the time and smile at your stupidity. Dumb dumb moron.

        4. Do I know you? You sound suspiciously like that guy James from the SFL Facebook page…. He had poor grammar and spelling too, and was insulting and ignorant. Surely there aren’t two of you! 😯

    1. Then the devil jumped up in the pulpit and said, “Boy let me tell you what! I guess you didn’t know it, but I’m a preacherman too, and if you care to take a dare I’ll make bet with you. Now you got a reall purdy girlfriend boy but give the debil his due, I’ll bet a polished shaft of gold against your soul that I can out preach you!”

  36. Hey there young man, God told me you like to watch……or be a look-out …..or something!

  37. “Okay, the first thing I need to know is, are you having sex with each other? In order to counsel you I need to know details! Are you practicing safe sex? I have some condoms in my desk drawer here… I will need to counsel with you separately… you can trust me, I know about these things… 😈

  39. “Let’s act out what we’ve learned so far in counselling from the Song of Solomon. She can be the Shulamite, I’ll be Solomon, and you can be a shepherd or something. You have a rod, or a staff, or whatever. I have a shaft. No need of more props.”

  40. Exhibit #12674b, case of Dr. Jack Schaap vs. the Government of the United States.

    “….the witnesses claim Dr. Schaap called for a ‘Holy Threeway’….”

  43. “And before you ask, why yes, that is a rod in my pocket. My lucky rod, in fact.

    Always keep a good rod at hand. That may not make sense now but when you have children and they are insolent and rebellious you will know what to do. Shall I demonstrate?

    So, uh– you’re here to– wanna– wanna give it a rub? Apply some polish?”

  47. Schaap – “so you feel called to missions. well, let me tell you about the missionary postion… wait.. are you wearing a wire? it’s a sting! everybody run!!!”

  48. Hey all of you Jack Schaap Lovers out there…
    those who speak the loudest have the most to hide…

    1. That’s up to God, not me.

      But the belief that God does love and forgive the unworthy, even such as me, is one of the founding principles of Christianity.

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