Odds and Ends

Fundy Purity Test

183 Comments

How fundamentalist are you? Take this short quiz and add up your points to find out!

The Gospel is…
a) The entirety of a Christian life lived by grace (-10)
b) Found in the Romans Road (+3)
c) Whatever it takes to get people to the altar (+5)

My bible is an…
a) NIV (-10)
b) KJV (+3)
c) KJB1611 Old Scofield Wide Margin Black Leather Cover Oxford Press 1978 edition 3rd Printing. (+15)

Modesty is…
a) Culturally relative (-3)
b) Trying to help men not to stumble with lustful thoughts (+3)
c) Our ceaseless struggle against the evil that is our own naked body(+7)

At the Marriage at Cana Jesus made
a) Alcoholic wine (-8)
b) Wine that was a teeny bit alcoholic but not enough for anybody to notice (+1)
c) Welches (+5)

Music is best when…
a) It speaks to mind, soul, and body (-5)
b) It was written in the 1850’s (+1)
c) It’s barely barely enjoyable (+6)

He that gives to the poor…
a) Lends to the Lord. (-2)
b) Encourages sloth and laziness (+1)
c) Is wasting money better spent on missions (+5)

My pastor is…
a) Just a man like any other. (-7)
b) The man who makes of the local church (+3)
c) Where I go to find out what the Holy Spirit wants (+7)

I graduated from…
a) A secular school. (-5)
b) A well-known Fundy U (+3)
c) Homeschool college. Then went straight into full-time ministry (+9)

The Lord desires every person to…
a) Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. (-5)
b) Be cheerful all the time. (+3)
c) Have “three to thrive” (+6)

I read SFL to…
a) Gently laugh at my past life (-5)
b) See how crazy my church really is (0)
c) See if I can spot my church members commenting so I can “better pray for them” (+10)

183 thoughts on “Fundy Purity Test”

  4. I lost count of how deep in the negatives I am. Probably because I use neither KJV nor NIV. 😛

    Seriously, though, I can’t stop laughing.

  6. I use an ESV. And sometimes I like to read the NRSV. Wouldn’t I get -1,000,000 points for both of those?

    1. I have an NIV, NASB, and ESV (as well as my old Scofield KJV), but prefer the New Living Bible. How many negative points will THAT get me?

    3. I most often read the NRSV. I guess I get about negative ninety million points for that.

  7. I can’t answer the second one as my Bible isn’t on there. And the one about the college? I have to put down two answers (which gives me a -2).

    Lots of negative points for me!! 😈

    1. Oh my goodnes Jenni. I think this survey was based on the premise that you were AT LEAST A CHRISTIAN!!! 😉

  9. Music is first supposed to be worshipful. Enjoyment is secondary. If you enjoy it, that’s great. It should not be the focus. Churches today play a lot of enjoyable music with no biblical foundation what-so-ever. Just make sure your priorities are right.

      1. Says who about what? If you’re not worshiping, what’s the point? Yes, a lot of today’s music just puts out happy thoughts that are not biblical.

        1. Do you have scriptural support for that? (not asked in an accusing tone – honestly curious)

        2. Jeremy…are you asking is there biblical support for having Christ as the focus of a worship service?

        3. No, I’m asking if there’s scriptural support for saying that all music (I don’t recall either the original post or any comments prior to my question specifying music as part of a gathering of the local church, perhaps I misread) needs to be worshipful.

        4. The Old Testament is filled with examples of worship, and offerings that are pleasing to God. Amos 5:18-27 gives a great illustration of God wanting worship properly directed toward Him. I Peter 2:5 says that you should “offer up spiritual sacrifices to God.” So, I really believe that the Bible says our worship should first be God directed above all else. I’m kind of surprised that it’s controversial that worship should be God directed.

        5. What does “God-directed worship” (Bible-speak that sounds good anyway) have to do with the style of music or whether those participating enjoy it or not. None of your scripture examples site the enjoyment or lack of enjoyment by the “worshipers” (David seemed to enjoy his style of music AND DANCE very much). Just admit it…your “traditional” piano/organ accompanied pre-1950 (preferably pre-1900 just to be safe) hymns make you feel more worshipful and holy because that’s how you were raised…that’s what “church” is to YOU! The hard-line Church of Christ where I live don’t believe godly worship should include ANY musical instruments…not even a piano. Why? Because that is THEIR tradition, which they also try to wrongly justify through scripture (although maybe not the KJV1611, so I guess they’re screwed anyway)

        6. Yes, God-directed music does not specifically have anything to do with enjoyment. The scriptures I provided do not have to do with enjoyment, because I wasn’t talking about enjoyment. I was talking about the direction of our worship. There should not be any argument that the direction of worship should be toward Jesus. That should be the first priority. Enjoyment should not be an equal consideration to focusing on Christ. I don’t care what style you want to use. If it’s not first focused on Christ, it’s not worship. If you want to have fun not worshiping, then that’s up to you.

        7. Ok, Kevin, but your original post used the words “enjoy”, “enjoyment” and “enjoyable” in a mere 3 lines of text, so I think you WERE somehow trying to relate worship to participant enjoyment. Of course NOW, you are not. Instead you are suggesting worshipful music must contain deep theology in order to be pleasing to God…you’re still not convincing me that it’s not the deeply ingrained cultural fundy traditions that shape your beliefs. I guess God must really look favorably at Presbyterian church services…no one can “worship” more piously than them when it comes to the old “theological” hymns…

        8. My original posts mentioned enjoyment because it seemed from the quiz that you have to have fun or enjoy the worship experience. That’s fine if you do. My whole point is that it should not be an equivalent consideration to praising God in the first place. If you add your enjoyment to praising God, then it’s not purely about God. It’s about your comfort, and enjoyment. If you happen to enjoy it, it’s fine. That shouldn’t be the consideration. If you attend a worship service, and can’t worship because it’s not fun, then perhaps there is a problem with your priorities.

        9. Where is it written that worship should BE the focal point of a gathering. O 😆 h, and point to me about the sermon, too – that seems to be missing as well.

        2. Does it have to be either/or? What’s wrong with music that’s worshipful that you happen to enjoy? I wouldn’t buy cd’s of something I didn’t enjoy. Southern gospel does that for me. It’s encouraging and much more worshipful than the dirges you might hear in a fundy church though there are a lot of good enjoyable songs there too. 😉

        3. Technically, it cannot be an either or. If you do both, that’s fine. However, you have to worship Christ above all else. So, technically, the worship part has to be there whether it’s “fun” or not. If fun is there with no worship, then it’s not worship.

        5. Well, “fun” is a pretty vague term, but apart from a heart of joy and love, I don’t really think that I could classify the vibration of musculoskeletal tissue at 261.626 as “worship”.

          And if you were wondering, that would be middle C on an A440 tuned keyboard.

      3. Where did you turn anything I said into ‘worship is the opposite of fun?’ The focus, first is Christ. I’m sorry you don’t think that Christ should be the focus of worship, and that it’s more about having fun.

        1. Kevin, perhaps you should edit your first comment to say “music in church.” But even so, music in church doesn’t have to be boring or snooze-worthy. You’re worshiping God, shouldn’t that be exciting?

        2. Easterlily, that raises an interesting question – if God is indeed the most exciting being in the universe, can music which cannot entertain people really worshipful? Of course, personal taste comes into play here, but if 99% of a congregation is singing because they “have to”, and not because they feel the song is reflective of who God is, then no matter what the lyrical content, can we call that music worship?

        3. And I get what you’re trying to say, honest I do. It just doesn’t quite come across right.

        4. (Easterlily)…Thanks. Yes, perhaps an edit for “Music in Church”, but I guess I assumed we were talking about church. It seems a lot of former ‘fundies’ have been scarred so much they think the term ‘worship’ implies somber and sad. Worship implies reverence. Reverence is just respect, and awe. That doesn’t have to be sad. I’m not sure why it seems people want happy-enjoyable music, whether or not it glorifies God first. The first priority is that it glorifies God. If it is happy and enjoyable, and doesn’t worship God, God is not in that.

        5. I love hymns, but I have been deeply touched by the powerful lyrics as well as the beautiful tunes of contemporary praise and worship music, for example, “Your Great Name,” “Mighty to Save,” and “What Do I Know of Holy?” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P–Sxx5VjN8&feature=share

          It’s funny how often I’ve heard the accusation that contemporary music is entertaining when I’ve seen audiences expressing enjoyment of Southern Gospel and traditional hymns.

          How can we judge someone’s heart in worship? How can we deign to dismiss a joyful expression of praise as less worshipful? I am passionate about this because once I did that very thing. God has humbled me and changed my heart and my mind. Whether I eat or drink or clap my hands or laugh aloud or dance with joy (not that I’ve done that where anyone can see!), I can do it ALL to the glory of God!

        6. You cannot judge someones heart. However, if their worship does not include God, or the music is not biblical, then it is not worship. Regardless of whether its hymns or contemporary music, we should know what we’re singing. A lot of lyrics are filled with “feel good” theology that has no biblical basis. I don’t really care about the style one prefers. I have a problem with unbiblical lyrics that people sing just because a song is fun, or it makes them feel good.

        7. If someone is worshiping and their first concern is whether or not they are having fun, then there is a problem. You should be able to worship whether you’re having fun or not. The Christian life is hard. We are not guaranteed to have a fun and enjoyable life. There is no other area in our Christian life that is easy, or so apparently necessary to have fun. Why, when we offer praise and worship, we can’t really do that unless we’re having fun? It’s not about you, it’s about Christ first.

        8. You might be a fundy if…..you have separate rules for when you’re “in church” and “elsewhere”. Just calling it like it is, but aren’t you always “in church” Christ abollished the need for a temple or building and His people became the church. So….honestly wondering what you can say we do that is NOT worship. I’m talking bathing, eating, etc. If we can do all to the glory of God why do people think there are neutral non-worship times? So that brings me back to my original question: When are you NOT worshiping? I think maybe the distinction is WHO are you worshiping…and that’s a heart/motive issue. You can worship yourself singing Amazing Grace (believe me, I did it. Every time I was on the “special music” schedule…I picked songs that made ME receive “atta boys” afterwards) This dribble about “in church” music is so harmful to the big picture of who/what God really is. But I digress.

        9. Kevin, the key phrase in your statement is, “*I* have a problem with unbiblical lyrics that people sing just because a song is fun, or it makes them feel good.” You have a problem with that? No problem. Have your problem and worship in the ways in which YOU feel glorify Christ. However, to offer your opinion on worship and “acceptable” worship music and chastise others holding YOUR opinion as THE standard is not fair. We all are free to worship in the ways and with the songs God uses to bring worship into our hearts. It is very misleading to people when you take your opinions and feelings about a topic and speak in a way that makes your opinions seem THE opinion to follow.
          Also, above you define worship then define reverance. Please keep in mind these are YOUR definitions. Worship and reverance is unique to the heart of the believer and their relationship with their Father. That is what I love so much about God is His unique, intimate, beautiful and special relationships He has with all of His believers! Please don’t try to stick His unique & individual definitions of such things in so small a box.
          Once, I was prayer journaling and God gave me the Temptations song, “My Girl”. He sang it over me regarding what we were journaling about and everytime I hear that song, or He gives me the song in my heart I am filled with admiring love for my Abba-Father. It is beautiful & special to us because He calls me, “My Girl” and it’s our special song that we have A LOT of fun singing. So, to say songs & lyrics not intended to be “worship” songs and to be carefree or fun are “unbiblical” is not allowing yourself to experience the heart of God in new ways, not to mention putting God in a box. I encourage you to ask God to show you what worship & reverance mean to HIM in your relationship & enjoy the ways in which He wants to enjoy you- His creation!

        10. (WIWK) Good point about what the church is. However, if you go to a church they call what they do worship. If a Christian radio station plays music, they call it worship. So, they are throwing out their definitions of worship. I’m just saying to be careful that it’s biblical, and Christ centered. Just because something is enjoyable, and makes someone feel good, doesn’t make it worshipful.

          (EliACas) I actually got those definitions from the dictionary. (Dictionary.com) They aren’t my definitions. Are you saying you don’t have a problem with unbiblical lyrics? The Bible spells out that God can be angry at what we call worship. So, I don’t think God would be mad at us for something we couldn’t try to judge to do correctly. My opinion is to look at the Bible. There are lots of examples of God despising the worship of people that thought they felt were doing it right. It’s not about emotions, and feel good lyrics. It’s about worshiping Christ.

        11. Kevin,

          I totally get what you are saying and couldn’t agree with you more. 😀

        12. In my Church we actually have something called “Ministry of Fun” which organises social events for members of the Church. Quiz nights, sporting events, stuff like that. It has even been know to organise Un-Christian things like dancing lessons… My Church obviously has got “LAODICIA” written all over it. The words “Ministry” and “Fun” should never be used in the same sentence, except ans an example of an oxymoron.

      4. Kevin, why don’t you just answer Darrell’s question, or just admit that this is your own personal opinion, or “personal conviction” based on tradition and/or what your daddy told you in regards to (a) the purpose of music in the church, and/or (b) what qualifies music as adequate worship. Stop equating doctrine and genuine faith to TRADITION!!!

        2. What is so controversial about worship being God directed above all other things? What is worship without it being God directed?

        3. After spending an entire lifetime (about 40 years) in traditional IFB churches including 6 years at BJU, I’ve only spent the last 2 years singing praise and worship music with a band and I have never, ever been so prompted to worship God when I sing as I have in the last two years. Yes, I love hymns, and “How Great Thou Art” is uplifting and awesome, but I’ve found our whole congregation directed into passionate, heartfelt worship of our almighty Savior and His amazing grace through the new contemporary songs we’ve been singing these last couple years.

          Throughout the Psalms, we are told to sing a NEW song to the Lord, and I so appreciate these powerful new songs that I’ve learned recently.

        4. That’s great. As long as the worship is directed toward worshiping Christ first; you understand the lyrics, and offer it as real praise. That’s wonderful.

      1. Agreed….Thank you Kevin, for taking a light hearted, ENTERTAINING post, and finding something unspiritual about it. You might be a Fundy if…….

    3. So all is good as long as we set out to worship WITHOUT enjoyment and (a) continue in our lack of enjoyment or (b) somehow stumble into enjoyment along the way of worshiping without enjoyment? Still seems to me that the traditions shaping you compel you to believe that reverent, traditional hymns = acceptable worship, while any music a little to close the “THE WORLD” and not up to your theological standards = “people-centered and unacceptable worship

      1. What are you talking about? You love to scramble my words. I’ve only said that we must focus on Christ above all else in our worship. I never said you should not enjoy worship. My point is that if you can’t worship unless you’re enjoying it; something is wrong. “Sorry God, I can’t worship because I’m not having fun.” Why does it even matter whether or not you’re having fun? It’s not about you having fun. Why can’t you just worship Christ for who He is; not for how much fun you’re going to get out of it. I haven’t said anything about what styles are acceptable. I’ve only said worship should be worshipful, and Christ-centered. I don’t care what style it is. I just care about the substance. There is nothing wrong with standing up for the substance, because the substance is the Bible.

        1. IMO, the original quiz question has nothing to do with YOUR definition of what is “worshipful” or having “substance”. It was merely pointing out the traditional music deemed acceptable by most fundy churches. Obviously if scripture was as clear about this and countless other issues as you seem to imply, then we wouldn’t even be having these discussions would we?

    4. I think a little bit that you created a straw man based on the wording of Darrell’s third choice on the music issue: “it is barely barely enjoyable.” Most of us believers on here would not think of wanting entertainment first at church and are focused on Christ.

      The third choice was meant to reflect the attitude many of us were raised with – that if we “enjoyed” it, it was wrong. Thus if your toe tapped, the music itself must be sinful because it inspired your body to move, the assumption being that all our body’s natural responses are sinful. It’s the musical equivalent of someone putting a delicious meal in front of you, seeing you enjoy it, and saying, “Oh, dear! That’s worldly! Here, let me give you some liverworst and stale toast because if you LIKE it, it must be sinful.”

      Perhaps Darrell could have used the word “unappealing” instead of “enjoyable”, although then we would be stuck on whether or not the music OUGHT to appeal to us. (Then again, David does say to play SKILLFULLY which would mean doing things well and thus appealingly.)

      1. Something I’d like to know about this: why is it that some people make it a point of their life to press what they like and dislike upon others? For example, I’ve never been one to like green beans, but I realize that others do, so I’ve said nothing about it, or if asked for an answer, politely say ‘no, thanks.’ However, if someone said to me, ‘You need to eat green beans because they’re good for you’, I’d kind of find that somewhat judgmental, because after all, why are you judging me for not eating green beans, when I did not judge you for eating them?

        It works much the same way with the Good Book: some believe that the King James is the best version for them and/or their congregation, and so it is not our business to condemn them for holding that belief and acting accordingly. However, that’s not enough for them, as a lot of fundamentalists have made it their business to condemn us for not believing and acting after the same manner as them. Why are they judgmental of us for not sticking to the KJV, when we were not judgmental of them for believing that it was the best one and acting accordingly?

        2. To Pastor’s wife comments on music post. I think pastor’s wife expressed the best explanation of what’s more’ and ‘most’ important. True liberty in worshipping Jesus Christ with music that releases the beleiver to ‘enjoy’ worshipping God! We were created to worship Him. That is why we feel so fulfilled when we are able to eneter into truly liberated worship as pastor’s wife has so wonderfully experienced, in her first two years of freedom from fundy religious chains. The ‘have-to’ tell people what they ‘can’t’ do. Which ends up being practically NOTHING because it might be a friggin SIN! If God created us to be miserably religious, to never enjoy praising Him and enjoy liberating worship of Him, please show me where He has said this anywhere in the Bible! You won’t find it! When we worry about whether or not we are doing things ‘right’,re worship and focus, what we end up focussing on is not Jesus, but ourselves and our own ‘keep trying harder’ religious performance. Guess what! We will probably not do anything but perform. and then expect someone else’s approval. So ‘who exactly do we think and believe we are pleasing? The religious know it alls in the religious pulpits? Or the King of Kings who alone deserves to be praised. A 🙄 nd everyone says amen! “The joy of the lord is your strength.” “Make a joyful noise unto the lord.”

    5. It’s a great night at the ballpark sports fans. Kevin is up to bat. The count is 0-1. He missed badly on that music pitch. Don’t forget folks to come out to the ballpark Thursday night for bobblehead night. Free bobbleheads for anyone wearing a jersey. Kevin steps back into the batter’s box. Here comes the pitch……swiiiing and a miss. Again. He missed on the same music pitch. At some point he should just take a pitch or try bunting.

      1. Is the fact that I read your comment in Tom Servo’s voice indicative that I need a “MST3K”-addiction intervention? ‘Cause I totally did. 😯

      2. Does anybody else find it strange that we are debating whether or not we can truly worship God and dislike what we are doing? How can that possibly be worship? ::singing:::: “Oh God here’s some facts about you we already know. We don’t really like you, but because we’re singing about you, it’s worship!”

        That seems nuts to me.

        1. Quite true. However, the typical fundy response would be along the lines of, “Well, if you don’t like to worship in the proper way (i.e., the traditional way that I think), then you need to get right with God!

      3. Excellent work sir! As (I think) Steve Stone once said (and I don’t think you can find anyone to explain this one): I’d rather watch Sammy Sosa swing with everything he’s got than Frank Thomas…

  10. So now I probably am a negative whatever is the highest. In fact, now some of the answers with the highest negative points were too conservative for me ;-).

    but I tried to honestly answer the quiz as if I was back at Fundy U. You know when I had a little bit of fundy left in me what would I have scored. Turns out that my score would have been a -1 even at Fundy U. So maybe that gives a good indication why I’m here now 🙂

    1. I always get a kick when people start talking about Jesus making grape juice, especially since pasteurization is the only way to keep grape juice!!!

  12. Whose Line Is It Anyway!!

    -57 for me. Only because I have both an NIV and a KJV Bible.

  14. Minus 28 for me. Some questions weren’t applicable or I fit somewhere between two answers.

    The “3 to thrive” thing brings back a memory. I remember Lee Roberson being at our church in Michigan preaching that. Then later on at the former fundy church here in Canada the Jack Hyles and totally fundy pastor was talking about it and I smirked thinking how ridiculous it was really, 3 church services to thrive, what about reading your Bible and praying at home? JUST 3 church services a week and you will thrive as a Christian? Anyway he was looking at me at the time (small church so you could see who he was looking at) and I guess he took my smirk as a smile so he enlarged upon the point and mentioned Lee Roberson’s index finger being crooked as he preached that. He was such a name dropper too. It was always Jack Hyles said this, Lee Roberson said that, it seems he didn’t pastor the church, all these dead fundy preachers did. 🙄

    1. Even when deep in fundy circles, the “Three to Thrive” always seemed like a stupid theme. I was always told to study my Bible every day, so shouldn’t it be “Seven to Thrive”? Someone who only went to church, but never did his own study wouldn’t be thriving…

      “Three to Thrive” — just an annoying sound bite.

      1. “Three to Thrive” always left me wondering how (in the opinion of Fundies everywhere) there could have been any “true believers” among the settlers of the Great Plains. Many of them only had the opportunity to hear the MOG once every few months when the circuit-ridin’ preacher came through town 😕

  15. “My pastor is…
    c) Where I go to find out what the Holy Spirit wants (+7)”
    My brother got our (former) fundy pastor to admit that he believed he was on the same spiritual level as Elijah/Elisha and therefore could not be questioned.

    I have three answers for that: did you get drawn up to heaven in a fiery chariot? Does God speak audibly to you? Are you called a prophet by everyone around you?

    Then no, you are not on the same level as Elijah/Elisha. Sorry.

    2. Actually I think what you want to do is ask him to work a miracle to prove his authenticity, or give a message from God about the future. If he can’t do one of those, then he’ll have to be put to death.

      After all, that’s the Biblical standard for an Old Testament prophet, and the required punishment for someone daring to speak in God’s name when God has not sent him.

  16. Wow I only got a -39. I must still have a little fundy left in me. :mrgreen:

    You guys just haven’t rubbed off on me enough cause I still have my old KJV 😆 (just never bought another bible that’s all).

    Surely the CCM at our church damns me to the very fires of hell though…right? 😈

  18. This was so fun! 🙂 To this day, I still laugh at the complete stupidity of fundies belief that Jesus made grape juice. Someday (hopefully) they will realize that NONE of this crap matters (grape juice, Bible versions, dress codes, etc.) and they could have been the hands and feet of Jesus to people.

    1. Ah yes…the “new” wine/ “old” wine argument. I’ve even heard the question settled with the assertion that “Of course Jesus didn’t turn water into actual wine…that would be a sin and Jesus never sinned!” Maybe That was on this site at some point.

      2. That’s a real thing? I know I ask that every time someone comes out with another crazy fundy belief, but… really? Really??

        I was going to say that they could at least argue that it’s cultural (which, to be fair, it was to a degree), but then I remembered: fundies believe the ultimate culture was, like, 1950s conservative Midwestern America (not that there’s anything wrong with 1950s conservative Midwestern America… if the year is 1950 and you’re in a conservative part of Midwestern America) and Jesus acted and dressed precisely like people from 1950s conservative Midwestern America.

        And I think that’s enough repetitions of “1950s conservative Midwestern America” for today!

    2. Just once I would love to see them give Biblical proof that drinking alcohol is wrong. Yes, it says drunkenness is wrong, but never have I seen anyone Biblically support that drinking a little alcohol once in a while is wrong.

      1. I don’t believe anyone can. Teetotalism, in the form of calling all consumption of alcohol a sin, is a relatively new concept in historical Christianity, taking root primarily in the last 200 years or so. Prior to this most Christian denominations took the position that only consumption leading to drunkenness was a sin…which interestingly, is exactly what the Bible says. Once again, fundy (and to be fair, other conservative thought) tradition turned into doctrine

      2. I would love the same! My senior year of high school we had a class called, “Senior Seminar” and we read the “Proverbs of the Day” each morning when we came across Proverbs 31:6 (KJV) “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.” A very sweet & innocent Korean girl who had just came to the US & spoke limited English asked our principal if the verse meant we should give alcohol to people who are sad? Instead of taking this opportunity to dig into scripture deeper, study and consider another’s perspective he got angry and chose the typical fundy approach spouting how evil alcohol was and “did she plan to drink, offer her friends alcohol & become an alcoholic?!?!” The poor girl was in tears and how no idea what was going on. It was awful! 🙁

        2. *HAD no idea what was going on. Geez George!! Guess you can tell how many glasses of wine I’ve had today… 😆

      3. It’s because fundies define drunkeness as having even one drop of alcohol. Once you’ve crossed that definitional hurdle, the entire rest of the argument falls neatly into place.

      4. A man goes into a bar and orders a double bourbon. When it comes, he sticks his finger into the glass, then withdraws it and flicks his finger toward the floor.
        The bartender watches, and says, “Say, I’ve noticed you always do that with the first drink you get. Why is that?”
        “Because I’m an Independent Fundamental Baptist.”
        “So?”
        “We all take a pledge not to drink one drop of alcohol. The drop I didn’t drink is there on the floor.”

        1. here is a story that Chemists or other scientists will understand (Oops! Negative marks for me – every good Christian knows that Science is the enemy of God!!!)

          Two chemists walk into a bar.

          The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”

          The second says, “I’ll have some water too. But why’d you order it like that? We aren’t at work.”

          The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.

        3. @ Big Gary- My Mom (current fundy) recently, once again, bragged a drop of alcohol has never touched her lips. I pointed out that was an outright lie because she gargles, has taken NyQuil and has had pure vanilla in foods/drinks. So, whenever fundies do the self-righteous “drop of alcohol” crap it just makes me so angry. I love your joke. 🙂 Maybe I’ll just tell them the joke from now on. 😆

        4. Paul, I admit I had to think for a while before I got your joke. But then I got it, and I think it’s great. 😆

        6. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him up a beer. The Neuton askes him “How much is that?” “For you,”says the bartender, No charge”

        7. Argon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve Nobel Gases.” Argon doesn’t react.

  20. Very funny 🙂

    Not sure how I am supposed to answer the first one as there was no good answer. All seemed to be fundy answers.
    The Gospel is not our entire life lived by Grace. The Gospel is the work of Christ on our behalf, it is good news. We live a life of grace because of the gospel but our life is not the gospel.

    As much as I like this site, I am saddened to see all of the people who comment on the site who are disgruntled fundamentalists who have not really moved on to anything more biblically. sound.

    Leaving a KJV only fundy, little pope led church to go to a church that uses the message and has a female pastor is merely leaving the frying pan for the fire.

    1. So you came to this site of satire and were shocked by the lack of deep theological correctness?

      I see.

    2. Wait a minute…could you please clarify if the female pastor is wearing pants or not?

      1. Don’t be an ass. Of course she’s a Methodist and wears a robe with nothing under it when she preaches.

        1. Of course, how stupid of me…would that apply to Presbyterians also? Here’s a question…if a fundy walked into a church and saw a woman on the plat form in pants would his first thought be Oh my golly-gosh!, is that the pastor!!??, or holy crap!, that woman’s wearing pants!!

    3. “Leaving a KJV only fundy, little pope led church to go to a church that uses the message and has a female pastor is merely leaving the frying pan for the fire.”

      This disgruntled fundamentalist wants an explanation of this. Please.

    4. “all of the people who comment on the site who are disgruntled fundamentalists who have not really moved on to anything more biblically. sound.”
      Seriously?!?! There aren’t words to express how prideful, cruel and ASSuming this statement is!
      😯

      2. I was wondering if I had wandered too far, but then I read that sentence full of Christ-like love and non-judgment…..and started walking faster.

      3. Not that I haven’t been called worse, but I beg to differ with the characterization of me as a “disgruntled fundamentalist.” I’m not a Fundamentalist, and I’m quite gruntled.

    6. The author of Mark considered Jesus’ whole life, work, and teaching the gospel. Read Mark 1:1. What does it say?

  21. I got -36, but I think I answered some of the questions poorly because I either didn’t fit any of the answers or sort of fit multiple ones. The big one is the Bible question–the physical Bible I carry places does happen to be KJV, but I also own a physical NIV and I carry an iPod Touch with both of those plus ESV (what I regularly read for personal study), NASB, and NKJV on it. So I went with the +3 for KJV, but maybe I should’ve taken -20 for “believing that maybe, just maybe, no one translation is really all that good in isolation”.

  22. Ok, I got a +36. I think I still might have a little fundy left to shed. This is hilarious, especially that first question about the Gospel. Well played!

    1. How can the points not matter?!!!! The points always matter! This high-achieving, perfectionist, people-pleasing, fundy-raised first-born HAS to know what the high score is supposed to be so I can aim for it. It’s a sin to do less than my best!

      1. Argh!!! You had to mention the “sin to do less than my best” line!! How much despair and mental anguish has been borne by perfectionists brought up with this mantra?

  24. I scored off the negative side of the chart. I use an NIV, a NLT, and sometimes The Message. I did graduate from a fundy lite Bible college, but have graduate degrees from a UCC school and a Jesuit university. I also not only believe Jesus made alcoholic wine, I drink some from time to time. 🙂

  25. The Gospel is…
    Neither of these. All of them are the Law, and only option a is a good law. However, the Gospel is Jesus Christ crucified, buried and raised for our sins.

    My bible is an…
    Again, neither of these. Most of the time, it is an ESV online or on Kindle.

    Modesty is…
    Option a would be the closest to the accurate answer.

    At the Marriage at Cana Jesus made
    Definitely option a

    Music is best when…
    When it is good, particularly if it is classic rock or some modern rock.

    He that gives to the poor…
    is fulfilling the command to love and serve your neighbor

    My pastor is…
    Option a

    I graduated from…
    I haven’t graduated yet, but in December 2013, option a

    The Lord desires every person to…
    Option a

    I read SFL to…
    Neither of these. I found it somehow and I came back.

  27. I scored a “then” and “now”… Then, I would have had , I think, +6. Many of the questions didn’t have any answer I agreed with, so I skipped them. My “now” score is -10.

    1. Thanks for the insight Bob…maybe a thread should be given a star anytime someone posts that statement…or maybe it means that, indeed the thread has “jumped the shark”

      1. I agree. I come in and read the OP, make a quick comment or two and leave. I come back and people have left long, detailed, well thought-out comments. Makes me seem like a doofus.

  32. I’m not touching this quiz with a 10-foot pole . . . I know it’s just satire, but it brings back nightmares of the spiritual self-evaluation sheets that we had to fill out at BJU. We scored ourselves, then handed it in to the APC who re-scored us, corercting our rose-colored visions of ourselves.
    No thanks. One of my biggest beefs with fundamentalism is that they try to reduce spiritual matters to charts, questionaires, evaluation sheets, etc. I don’t believe a person’s spiritual condition can be diagnosed using man-made instruments. One of my most dangerous activities as a fundie was filling out those stupid questionaires and being reassured of my spiritual condition because my scores were pretty decent (when, in fact, my heart was filthy). If God had not opened my eyes I would still be filling out worksheets and coloring in bubbles, tallying my time spent in devotions, charting my church attendance, marking off how many of the fruits of the Spirit I had exemplified within the past week. One day I realized that God is not keeping score, so why should I? The final tally is already in-I’m a sinner saved by grace. Neither the depth of my depravity nor the glory of God’s holiness and love can be sized down to fit on any chart.

    1. “I know it’s just satire, but it brings back nightmares of the spiritual self-evaluation sheets that we had to fill out at BJU. We scored ourselves, then handed it in to the APC who re-scored us, correcting our rose-colored visions of ourselves.”

      I remember that nightmarish activity quite well; and your response to the post is very understandable. (hugs)

    3. I totally agree. I can have fun with the rest of them, but I can understand you cringing at this.

  33. This quiz be as weird as a Presbyterian altar call, and it was incomplete to boot: There wadn’t nuthin’ in there about using technology (flannel graph vs. overhead projector vs. the Evil Microsoft Powerpoint), or mixed swammin’, Pop culture (own one season of “Little House on the Prairie” or “The Andy Griffith-God rest his sainted memory-Show” +10, own complete series of either +50), pulpit preference (wood, plastic, or plexi-glass) or tent meeting attendance, church bus ridin’ (either as a passenger or a goldfish swallowing song-leader), political leaning (A Little to the Right of Dirty Harry +10), drum usage, or how many times Phil Kidd’s signed your bible.

    Sheesh. No wonder the comments to this one are all frowny and serious. 😉

    1. Lol! Phil Kidd signed my bible TWICE and took a photo with me (classic fists in the air). So how many fundy + points does that give me? Looks like I’ve got a lot of – points to earn now. 😆

        1. Beer was invented by pagans. Take another -10. I prefer beer too so I’ll take -5. The reason I get less demerits is because this is a fundamentalist quiz, and that means I get to condemn you for your shortcomings while justifying my own.

  35. -47. I flunked the first question because I honestly don’t have a clue what the word gospel means.

    1. I think the point Darrell was making with that first question was that the “good news” isn’t just for a prayer to give us fire insurance but is rather to be the good news that fills our entire life, inspiring and empowering us.

        1. Is it wrong that that comment spurred in me a vision of a clown fire truck?

    2. I attended a fundy church for 10 years and never heard a message on salvation. To this day I do not know what they belief about salvation or the gospel.

  36. I struggled with the word gospel all my my teenage years. People said it meant good news. Well, I didn’t get it because the only thing that would have been good news to me was a job for my step-father. There were times when our cupboards were totally empty and we did not know where our next meal was coming from. So, gospel? It did nothing for me. Once I was fed and settled, and someone explained that I was a sinner, hm, now I needed the good news.

    1. I bet your local IFB church would have offered you no more than a free bus ride to church…

  37. Not once did the people in the church show up at our house with a car full of groceries. But late one night, two elders from the church showed up and spent an hour haraunging my step-dad about not benig saved. He was Catholic, so they were sure he was going to hell. When I look back on it, I think they would have had more impact on him had they collected 10 bags of groceries and dropped them off on our front porch with a note saying it was from the church.

    2. We had a deacon from our church stop to a new neighbor’s house one night. He genuinely asked the guy if there was anything he needed from us (the guy was struggling). The guy was completely shocked that the church wanted to give him something and not ask him for something.

      I was glad that our church had that positive impression on him, but the fact that he was so surprised made me sad. Is that what we’ve become as a body? A bunch of beggars taking from people to keep the programs going?

  38. I feel like Blutarski sitting in the Dean’s Office having his GPA read out loud. “Zero.Point.Zero. Mister Blutarski, you HAVE no grade point!”
    I am a negative 50 something hahahaha….
    But once upon a time, I would have scored quite highly on this.. 😛

    1. WOW: “For those of you scoring the highest score possible, Biblical Theism, you will be REWARDED with a beautiful, professional looking certificate. This certificate will certify that you took the test and scored as a Strong Biblical Worldview Thinker. You can print out your certificate at the end of the test, but it will also be emailed to you so you may save it or print it out on beautiful parchiment paper. This certificate would look great on your wall and would also be very rewarding for students who take this test.”

  40. -47. I still have my KJV. What? I’m used to it! I can’t help it! I like the poetic feel of it. Haha, habit, I suppose. I don’t think there’s any evil in other translations, though, that’s for sure.
    My pastor is a Mennonite. Who preaches about homosexuals and Muslims being in Heaven. And says grace and love and grace and love and grace and love and how we could never ever ever find a limit to God’s grace, etc. etc.

  42. Score of 75 means you’ve probably weighed pennies and been diddled by a bus captain

  43. That is one of the funniest surveys I’ve ever seen… once again Darrell, good job!! You just earned yourself ANOTHER honorary doctorate. “Dr Darrell, come on down!!!!…”

  44. I could not answer number 1, 3, or 4.
    1. The Gospel is the death, burial and ressurection of Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15)
    3. Modesty is to not draw attention to one’s self.
    4. Jesus turned water in to no-alcholic wine. I would not say it was Welch’s but closer to that they say Cabernet Sauvignon. Had Jesus turned water into an alcholic beverage then he would have sinned.
    But not counting those three I scored a -5

    1. Ooo, ooo, let me be first to ask!
      Where in the Bible do you find turning water into an alcoholic beverage = sin?

    2. I love how fundies take the Bible literally, and yet when Jesus turns water into wine it’s not wine. Uh-huh.

      1. Fundies take selected parts of the Bible literally.
        Very few of them interpret “Sell all you have, and give the money to the poor” as a literal commandment.

        1. So true…in fact this literal picking and choosing has been an area of Christianity I have been struggling with. People like Tim will not accept “wine” literally, but argue to the death that the “blood” of the Egyption plague was without question actual biological blood (just to cite one example).

    3. For those who did not believe my earlier comment about those who assert that Jesus could not turn water to wine because he would have sinned…I shockingly rest my case. In regards to this definition of modesty relative to dress…if I see a women dressed in an ankle-length skirt and bobby socks with hair to her waist, it definitely attracts my attention.

  45. So how many negative points is a NASB, and does the rosary on top make a difference?

  47. The Gospel is…
    “that doctrine which teaches what a man should believe in order to obtain the forgiveness of sins from God….The content of the Gospel is this, that the Son of God, Christ our Lord, himself assumed and bore the curse of the law and expiated and paid for all our sins, that through him alone we reenter the good graces of God, obtain forgiveness of sins through faith, are freed from death and all the punishments of sin, and are saved eternally.

    My bible is an…
    HTC Evo 4G

    Modesty is…
    Overrated

    At the Marriage at Cana Jesus made…
    1978 La Tâche – Domaine de la Romanée-Conti

    Music is best when…
    It’s iron Maiden.

    He that gives to the poor…
    Might actually love people.

    My pastor is…
    A genuinely caring person.

    I graduated from…
    American style light Lager to German style black Bier.

    The Lord desires every person to…
    Love God and neighbor.

    I read SFL to…
    Chilax

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