Fun and Games

Friday Challenge: Fundy Olympics

128 Comments

Since the Olympics are beginning on just one week, today’s challenge is to use your creativity to imagine the Fundy Olympics. What events would be there? Who would be the sponsors? What anthem would play and what awards would be given when someone won?

I personally think that a rousing contest of “Pass the Offering Plate Over The Woman Next To You And For Heaven’s Sake Don’t Let Her Touch It” would be quite popular — at least among students from my Fundy U.

128 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Fundy Olympics”

    1. My first first on Olympic day! Do I get a gold medal? 😀

      I think the Anthem should be the hymn “We’ve a story to tell to the nations”. That was the anthem for many a missions conference and I think it fits well here. Also I think that all tickets should be printed on the back of chick tracts 🙂

      1. “Do I get a gold medal?”

        Yeah right. Here’s a a chick tract for your effort.

      2. No you don’t get a medal. However, you do get a certificate printed out on the church’s dot matrix printer. Keep up the good work and you may get a framed picture of the Mog.

  4. I think mental gymnastics should be part of it. After all, you have to do a lot of it to either preach that stuff or believe it.

    The anthem should be dirge-like; I’m thinking “O Happy Day”. I always wondered why a song with those words would get that suicide-inducing arrangement.

    1. I agree wholeheartedly with your comment! I think getting accross a very crowded room without making eyecontact or physical contact with anyone of the opposite sex should be one of the competitions. The prize for the hypocritical married or single IFB man that wins should be a list of his mog’s favorite porn site addresses… 😈 😈 🙄

    3. Did you see the end of the movie “Secretariat?” They used a recording of the Eddie Hawkins singers singing “O Happy Day.” It’s full of joy and I’ve watched the end multiple times just to hear that song.

  10. Event for preachers – Altar Call Dash. Whoever gets the most people to come forward to the altar during 1 verse of Just As I Am.

    Sponsored by KJVSingles.com.

    Anthem – The US. Duh. Everyone knows Jesus was an American.

    Award – A leatherbound-wide margin-soul winning KJV Bible. Signed by the greatest soul winner since Paul, Jack Hyles.

    2. I’m so glad somebody else went there first. Even after I read the title, I can’t figure out what some of those stick figures are supposed to be doing.

  12. Facebook posting of Obama Bashing articles/cartoons. Speed and quantity. Reward is 10k FarmVille points.

  13. What events would be there?

    *Sampling: Fundy Potluck Cholesteral Challenge, Body Mass Index Contest, A triatholon between knowing the lyrics, organ-playing, and singing style for all songs in the Baptist Hymnal

    Who would be the sponsors?

    *A Beka Curriculum / the website: http://fundamentaltop500.com / Hyles-Anderson College

    What anthem would play and what awards would be given when someone won?

    *Onward Christian Soldiers / Pocket KJV New Testaments

  15. The 100 meter buffet dash.
    The KJVO argument hurdles.
    The pool should only be used for baptisms.
    Boxing with Calvinists – go 10 rounds and get nowhere.

  16. The 100 meter buffet dash.
    The KJVO argument hurdles.
    The pool should only be used for baptisms.
    Boxing with Calvinists – go 10 rounds and get nowhere. In a circular ring.

    1. There would be no reason for the calvinists to box, the outcome was predetermined!!!….couldn’t resist! :mrgreen:

      1. well, unless God had commanded them to box, in which case they would have a very good reason

      2. I think some sort of cowbell preaching competition might work out well. I don’t know how to work this idea out. Maybe, it could be like a relay with different cowbell preaching teams.

  17. Triathlon. Everyone swimming fully clothed for 1.5k (.93 mi). If you make it without drowning, you get to ride a bike 25 miles in order to get dried off. If your flowing skirt doesn’t get stuck in the wheel, you then get to run for 10k (6.2 mi) all the way to the end. Smith, Schaap and your other favorite MOGs will meet you as you cross the finish line. You’ll be presented with a large, wide margin KJV, in black of course. Tears will run down your cheek as you watch the Baptist flag wave in the wind, and sing along as “O Happy Day” is being played you will hear a speech about your walk with God being the reason you won, nothing to do with training mind you. Should be interesting.

  18. Fundy Decathlon Olympic style.

    100 meter hurdles.
    This event requires great stamina and courage as you literally jump hurdle after man made hurdle. One false move and you will trip and stumble and forever be branded a loser and washed-up sinner who just couldn’t hack keeping “real faith..

    The Javelin throw.
    This event requires Samson like strength to even pick up the KJV err, I mean the javelin and throw it at someone and try to stab them instead of love them. Love is for sissies. Swords are Christians.

  21. This is easy.

    Bible Triathlon

    First leg. (easiest) Must prove that every Bible version in your house is KJV1611.

    Second leg. Who has the most signatures in said KJVs by famous IFB preachers.

    Third leg (Most important) Open the back cover and count how may notches you have in said KJVs for souls won out on official church sponsored soul winning nights.

    1. Funny you’d mention that as I thought I was one of the only folks who actually kept notches in the back of my pocket NT for soulwinning. 😆

    2. Totally blew me away the first time I went “soul-winning” with a HAC grad and he did that. He manipulated this guy into a prayer and then counted it. He literally wrote the date and the guy’s name in the back of his New Testament.

  22. Old Testament Eisegesis-a-thon: The Man-O-Gawd who interprets Old Testament passages about Israel to mean America the most wins.

    Sponsors: All Fundy Bible Colleges and Fox News.

    Anthem: My Country ‘Tis of Thee.

    Awards: A leather bound KJV Scofield reference Bible and a copy of Sean Hannity’s book “Let Freedom Ring: Winning the War of Liberty Over Liberalism.”

  23. I’m bugged about women not being allowed to participate. When I was a little girl, we went to a fundy like church and my mother had this kind of viewpoint, my brothers were allowed to play and I was expected to sit and watch them with my hands folded. This brings back other unpleasant memories so I’d best stop there. 😥

    All answers today so far have been great, except one, but I won’t say which one that was. 😈

    1. The fundy Olympics should have Women’s Downhill Skiing, but of course the women have to ski in the unique down-filled culotte ski outfit that I saw advertised in the Joyful Woman magazine years ago.

    2. Of course there will be women’s events:

      Jumping high hurdles in ankle-length skirts.

      Syncronized swimming in long, weighted (to maintain modesty in water) skirts. Last contestant to drown gets a posthumous medal.

      Casserole-baking. Tony Hutson will judge.

      Smiling while the preacher shouts that everything is your fault because you’re not submissive enough. There will, of course, be a VERY large panel of judges for this event.

      Marathon child-bearing.
      Most members of this team will also be entered in the staying slim while having 18 babies and never exercising (sweating is un-ladylike) contest.

      Helping meat. (An internation panel of butchers will judge.)

      Godly courtship. Touching your partner or making “eye babies” causes immediate disqualification. Chaperones have to qualify in at two other major courtship competitions.

      Choir singing. Raising more than one hand, stepping in rhythm, or emphasizing downbeats are disqualifications.

      There will, of course, be no “pairs” events unless the couples are married to each other (and not to same-sex partners, you pervert!).

      1. Well just so long as we’re included. How about a marathon of consecutive services missed due to nursery duty? Since it’s more important to be taking care of other people’s children than hearing the preaching. I know of several ladies from the former church who could take that prize. 😕

        1. Actually, the more I disagree with the sermons in Fundyland, the less I mind being in the nursery (even though I don’t really like watching other people’s kids). At least I don’t have to listen to a rant. 🙂

    3. LOL. I have 4 kids, all athletes. And my oldest two play baseball at a Division 3 school. My daughter, who is a Junior in high school is already being recruited by Division I schools for softball, full ride scholarships. She is the best athlete. And the funny thing is, in fundyville, some of those dickheads told me it was not feminine for her to play sports.

      1. Those talking chunks of bat guano wouldn’t know a real, self-respecting woman if she bit them on the butt (a very unlikely eventuality, despite the fantasies many of the prechers probably harbor in secret).

        1. My daughter also placed second in the state weightlifting competition. She can clean 162.5 lbs and she weighs 133.

  24. For the ladies: Proverbs 31 Woman competition. Bonus points for still wearing the same dress size when you were married.

  25. – The Buffet Relay: The team with the highest cholestrol count wins.

    – Soulwinning: This is an individual event where any acknowledgement by the listener regarding believing Jesus, who he is or that they recognize the name is worth points. Individuals will be judged on style, appearance, proper hygiene, ability to shout over background noise of at least 20 decibels, use of tracts, and proper presentation of the Romans Road in the compulsory portion of the program. Getting someone to say the sinners prayer is an automatic 10.0 score… but points may be deducted for appearance, offensive breath, or actual use of Text in context.

    – Sermon Marathon: This is also an individual event and is conprized of three elements. The Opening, the meat,and the Altar Call. Last years winner Opened with a statement regarding grace which caused the audience to let down their guard and then he switched to hammering the law. The audience was completely unprepared for that and the guilt meter was pegged to maximum. This caused a premature rush to the altar. And for the next 10 hours people were weeping and crying and geting right with god there. That was an unparralled feat of Preaching here in the Fundie Olympics. We are expecting a repeat at this year’s Marathon.

    1. Soulwinning has three rounds.

      First round: Winning the soul of somebody who’s trying to make you go away.

      Second round: Same as the first, but there’s a dog in the room.

      Third round: Same as the first, but there’s a baby in the room.

      1. well, I knew that the Buffet Relay was at least three rounds per contestant/per day of competition, single elimination, until you get to the Medal round.

  26. Volleyball and basketball. Those were the only acceptable athletics when I went to fundy school, and if they were good enough then, they are good enough now, you liberal compromisers.

    1. The fundy high I attended did not have “ladies sports” because sports make you aggressive, and we don’t want aggressive ladies.

      Happily, the fundy high my wife attended was in a different state with a few different beliefs………

  27. – Sermon Showers of Blessing: Individuals have 5 minutes to work-up a sweat and get to slobbering-n-spittin on the crowd. Last year’s winner was able to spew a drop of spittle 22 feet from the pulpit during a particularly violent display of Pulpiteering against Women wearing pants because their men are to sissified to stand up to those Jezebels.

    1. I was going to list “Popcorn Preachin'” but looks like this post already beat me to it. 😆

  28. sword drills!! Does anyone else remember doing those as a kid/teenager? The Christian school teacher/Sunday school teacher/youth pastor would say, “Draw swords!” and everyone would put their KJV in the air . . then she would say a verse reference and we’d all start flipping to find it first. The competition very often rose to a very unsanctified level.
    And for the ladies . . . sledding in culottes! -10 for each incident of frostbite; automatic fail for visible exposure of skin above the knee.
    For the summer Olympics, our ladies will compete to swim one lap across the pool wearing fundy-approved swimming attire. Automatic fail for any item of clothing that gets too waterlogged to stay on and falls off in the water (ie, pants, culottes).
    And for the men: Soulwinning in homes where the yard features a “Beware of Dog” sign. -10 for each severed limb; +20 for each sinner’s prayer prayed by the house’s inhabitants.
    And, a test of endurance not for the faint of lungs: Singspirations! Pastor didn’t have time to prepare a sermon tonight, so . . . We’ll take favorites and sing all the stanzas. Last one to drop from oxygen deprivation wins.

      1. When I was attending BJU they held a Singspiration in the soccer stadium and people were dropping like flies “from the heat”. It really wasn’t that hot, but as girls kept passing out and carried away by guys (the one time boys were allowed to touch girls… which should explain the fainting spells) the music kept getting faster and faster.

        Could be a new Olympic event….

  29. Well, I know one thing. Upon examination of the above poster, only men would be permitted to compete. Not one of those stick people is wearing a dress! Besides, who would prepare the food and clean up if the women folk are participating in the events?

  30. I hate even suggesting it, but regular readers know the post to which I’m referring:

    Dog-Throttling Competition – this event is done in pairs. One athlete attempts to get through the entire Romans Road while the other MUST keep a small, irritable dog quiet. The dog MUST survive or competitors are instantly disqualified.

  31. Olympics! PShhhh, Darrell, It is a gateway to the one-world government that is being pushed on us by the UN and the Trilateralists. I ain’t falling for it!

    1. I think this was a test, and I am the ONLY one who passed it. YAY ME! Now where is my Chick Tract medal???

  32. How about the event of “How many down and out people can we slam, insult and heap huge amounts of guilt on in a 50 minute time period?”. There is the ever popular “Everyone else is going to hell and we are going to sit here “removed” and watch and enjoy the show and fellowship” event. But that is more of a on going event instead of something that happened every 4 years or so.

    The award is, there are no awards except what the mog… dishes out from his pulpit…

  33. Youtube DCMA Orienteering. Participants must locate Youtube clips of Fundy preachers saying half-assed nonsense, issue a DCMA threat, and get the video clip removed. Whoever achieves that in the quickest amount of time wins.

  34. For the teenagers: Who can touch hands under the hymnal the longest without getting caught? Of course the “prize” for the winning couple would be having to sit with their parents far away from each other.

  35. Schapp will be handing out the medals, and behind the athletes will be a huge statue of Hyles.

  37. Any fundies preparing for these events should be careful to stretch.
    Remember to always start by stretching the truth, then you can move on to extending your personal anecdotes. Once you are limbered up you can expand your soulwinning numbers and then finish by giving your own personal awesomeness a good stretch.

    2. AOW -being relatively new to SFL I was reading through some of the archives and saw that you went to crown. Was it recently? I might know you.

  38. A modesty award. The stick figure woman would have one hand on the neckline of her top to make sure her shirt didn’t gape, and the other hand would be holding the side of her skirt down in case of a random gust of wind. 🙄

    1. Tammy, When I was in college, (HAC) one of the first dates I went on with my (now) husband was a dating bus to Old Chicago with a bunch of other couples and chaperones and (I think, maybe) a couple of preacher-boys to keep us entertained on the bus ride there and back. One of the rides at the amusement park was a spinny thing that went around in circles while spinning in more circles. I had the most awful time because if I used my hand to hold my dress down from flying up, I couldn’t hold on to the bar and keep myself from smoodging into my date. I couldn’t decide which was more important, my modesty or my purity. HE, however, had a great time and wanted to go on the ride again.

  39. Sorry I’m having way too much fun with this!!
    KJV Bible verse memorization? -5 if you “hesitate,” -10 if you say “thee” instead of “thou” or “Jesus” instead of “Jesus Christ.” Besides the -10 points, you also go to hell if you leave out a word, because anyone who adds or removes words from the Book goes to hell, according to the last chapter of Revelation.
    -25 if you actually apply the verses you memorize to your life.
    How about a relay race to the altar? +10 for each tissue moistened beyond the point of usefulness. -20 if your behavior the next day changes in any way based on the decision you made.
    And for the preaching contest: one point for each topic you can weave into a 2/12 hour sermon based on a maximum of 2 verses of Scripture. Last year’s winner featured Dungeons and Dragons, the Smurfs, Jezebels wearing denim culottes (one step away from jeans), IBC root beer, double ear piercings, not spanking your children often enough, the numerology of Matthew chapter 1 and how it proves that the Twelve Days of Christmas is a pagan song, why Jesus loves the free enterprise system, and the golden truth that angels are all male and none of them ever wear dresses. The winning preacher took his text from Second Opinions chapter 23.
    -15 points for preaching on topics from the “forbidden list.” This includes not provoking your children to wrath, loving your wife as Christ loved the church, giving money to the poor, and not being wise in your own estimation. These are the points at which you’ve left preachin’ and gone to meddlin’.

    1. Preaching contest will not work because it sounds like it will require some sort of judging and NO ONE BUT GAWD JUDGES HIS MAN!

      1. Only preacher-boys could enter this contest, not full fledged screechers. Since they have not yet achieved godhood- er… I mean BEEN ORDAINED, a specially selected panel of famous fundy pastors is aloud to judge them.

  40. Namamn Baptismal challenge – who can dunk the most people in 1 minute.
    Variation – who can hold the person under the water longest
    Variation 2 – who can stay the dryest.

    Communion Pong – who can make balls out of bread and land them in a cup of grape juice.

    Pack a bus – see who can pack the most kids into a church bus.
    Variation – do it while driving.

    Sweating it out – who can wear the most clothes to a tent revival in the dog days of summer, and take the longest to bust out in sweat.

  41. -Church Secretary Long Jump: Pastors must jump their secretary. Pastor’s from Hammond are the hands on favorites in this event. 😯

  43. -the slippery slope uphill dash
    -six degrees of separation (contestants are given a random topic/event/person, must connect it to satanism, catholics or the antichrist in the least number of hops)

  44. Fundy Pole Vaulting – Keep raising the standards. Most will make it at the beginning. But over time more and more will drop out. Even the medal winners will come up short at the end.

    1. This one is awsome. However I wd add that you are entitled to some sort of handicap and lowering of the bar depending on how deep you are in the mog’s inner circle.

      2. So the winner was determined by the judges when the contestants were finalized. The event is just for show. 😆

  45. I know someone already said Invitation Marathon but there needs to be a musicians’ division too. Pianist and organist that can play invitation hymn of their choice for the most verses without passing out and points for how many people they draw to the altar. Not sure how to handle the situation where the musician becomes so overcome by their own hypnotic playing that they leave the instrument and go to the altar too. I know that doesn’t happen very often in real life (but it DOES happan) but this is the Olympics and there are people to impress.

  46. The medals are shaped like crosses (but not crucifixes; that’s Catholic)– necklaces for the ladies, and cufflinks for the gents (because real men don’t wear necklaces).

    When the Team USA wins a medal, the Baptist Standards Standard is raised, and the band plays “Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life.”

    The winners will stand on a platform with four steps– lowest for the bronze medalist, next-highest for the silver medalist, next-highest for the gold medalist, and highest, of course, for the Mannagawd.

    The Fundilympics will be co-sponsored by Hyles-Anderson College and Christian Womanhood magazine.
    The Funy Paralympics will be co-sponsored by The Rod (TM) and Michael and Debi Pearl’s No Greater Joy Ministries, because, you know, those whiners wouldn’t have disabilities if they’d just suck it up and try harder.

    1. Cufflinks? Only wussified pantywaist pussyfooters wear cufflinks. Real fundy men wear lapel pins on their suit coat to church.

  47. Token medals will be given out to competitors, but the large medals will be given to the pastors with the most winning contestants. They will appear on the award platform to thunderous applause and then go to a special banquet. Athletes will eat in the cafeteria with spectators.

  50. Old Preachers competition: Who can preach a sermon and quote/misquote the most old/dead preachers of fundamentalism.

    1. Greg, you’re a punk. If I were not a Christian, I would take the time to expose your assholishness to its maximum potential. And if I were still posting on the Forum, I would answer your asinine post.

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