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A Modest Proposal

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As most of you are now aware, Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church recently put forward a proposal that all gay people should be rounded up and imprisoned behind an electric fence. In the light of this bold suggestion, I would like to offer a counter-proposal that I think will work equally well to keep Chucky happy and gay-free while not being quite so Nazi-like. Thus I would like to introduce:

The Prophet Province

My proposal is that every fundamentalist preacher be relocated to a 50,000 square mile area of the Sonoran Desert. This location will then be designate The Prophet Province and high walls will be built around it to keep out all worldly and evil influences from the general population of the Sodom and Gomorrah that is the remainder of the United States. There in those sanctified confines the fundamentalist preachers of the world will finally be able to spend their time doing what they do best: being the holiest people around.

With such a large area and a relatively small number of fundamentalist pastors, it should be a fairly simple matter to keep the preachers from being located too close together. For a true prophet experience each one should be allowed to think that they are the only ones left in the entire world who are still holding the truth faith. Also, when these would-be prophets encounter each other their failed attempts to call down fire and she-bears on each other often result in the sort of embarrassment that would better be avoided. Let each one think that they are the only voice crying in the wilderness and all will be well.

As an added bonus, given that these are all men of god, there will be no need to provide food for their sustenance. Research indicates that ravens will show up a minimum of four times a day with enough casseroles and carbohydrates to sustain even the most voracious desire for “fellowship.” In addition to eating the pastor’s days can be spent in much the same fashion as they are today, writing their own biographies, condemning everything that moves and thanking God that they are not like other men.

I implore that modest proposal should be implemented as quickly as is feasible. For once it is done life will immediately improve for scores of women, children, gays, minorities, and pretty much everyone else. And the pastors likewise can live out their days of Elijah in perfect peace.

199 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal”

  2. Hey, don’t be sending them out here. We have enough with that Steve guy from Faithful Word. Thanks for your thoughts though.

  3. Well I have a proposal of my own.

    That we give them Texas and turn it into an semi-autonomous state in which the federal government would have as little say as possible. In return they would have to give up Texas’ electoral college votes and their senators and representatives in Congress would have no voting power. You know..like DC and Puerto Rico.

    That way they can have their Ayn Randian desire/libertarian wet dream and we get our country back.

    Of course we’d have to build a 50 foot wall, with 20 feet of it buried underground, to stop any illegal immigration from the residents of Texas. After all with no NIH or CDC I imagine quite a few outbreaks of disease would occur and we don’t want those outbreaks to spread to the rest of the country.

    And the federal government could save some money by shutting down all the military bases in Texas and reassigning the troops on those bases and the equipment on those bases to other areas of the country. And NASA would of course have to move as well.

    After all..NASA is federal government and conservatives hate the feds. And there would be no secret service, US Marshalls or FBI presence in Texas so the Texas Rangers would have to handle things. Maybe they can get Chuck Norris and his alter ego Cordell Walker to help down there.

      1. Gary, Rick Perry had very little to do with what I said. Other then my amusement at his “Let’s secede!” bit and Olbermann’s eviscerating him for it.

        I figured since the GOP so loves Texas and talk up it’s supposed success…

  4. Please don’t give them an environmentally rich area like the Sonoran desert, they’ll only trash it. Plop them down in a big tract of Monsanto genetically modified corn.

  5. Better Yet !! Let’s take all the Reformies…make them Face the homosexuals, drug users, Murderers,and those who commit all kinds of atrocities…..then give the reformies a truth serum… Then set them free to tell these poor sinners what they REALLY believe about them…… According to Calvin…. ” you poor saps were created to do these things from you mothers womb !! Your born Losers, you will live as Losers, you will Die Losers, and you will be dropped into He’ll as all good Losers Should… All (get this now….. Listen up good) All so God could show US 🙄 … How very special we are …………I Give these Reformie-leftists about 30 seconds before they start distancing themselves from old Johnny Boy 😉

    1. As an Armenian I can tell you this is one of the worst summaries of Calvinism I’ve ever seen.

      Also, what did drug users & homosexuals do to be lumped in with murderers?

      1. Rob, I’m guessing they are using ideas plucked from that verse in Revelation about heathens being cast into the lake of fire.

        I’m also guessing that you are an Arminian and not an Armenian, though I could be wrong on that point. 😛

    2. I’ll take that challenge. Anytime, anywhere. I would be happy to share the gospel with any of the folks mentioned… for I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Personally I find your caricature of the Doctrines of Grace sophmoric, bitter (not playing that as a trump card but if the shoe fits…) and a bit angry.
      Either the group you came out of did a real mind job on you or you just do not understand the very things you rail against. This disjointed view you posit perceives “Calvinism” about as much as a spoon perceives the taste of food.

    3. make them Face the homosexuals, drug users, Murderers,and those who commit all kinds of atrocities…

      You say this as if it were a bad thing, or something to be avoided??

    4. I’m too am not sure where you got this characterization of the Reformed from. But anyone who truly believes and loves the Biblical doctrines of grace doesn’t think like this. He or she is more likely to think of themselves as a “loser” than anyone else. The doctrines of grace are distasteful to the natural man precisely because they do NOT tell anyone how “special they are.” The whole point is that no one is special, there is no one who does good, no one who seeks after God; not even one. And because it’s God’s grace that does it all, prayer and evangelism can be engaged in with the uttmost confidence; for the most wicked sinner is no more a challenge to almighty power of a gracious God than the seemingly sweet little old lady down the corner. He can liberate the human heart from itself, and give it true freedom.

  6. Because reformed types in general, enjoy so much lateral freedom within their respective strpes, you will get 5 different views of their philosophical Version of Grace when speaking to 5 different Calvinist…..no group had to teach me this….I’ve learned this first hand, from dealing with such folks. Let’s just take the common practice in the the not so distant past of separating the visitors( spurgeons church) from the members because the gospel was Not to be preached to the Non elect…. Although not still under his leadership at this time…. This new pastor actually practiced Calvinism,unlike Charles, who’s call to All was very unsettling to his calvinists counterparts while still being a form of one himself. It has been my personal experience that Calvinist have always been the most ungracious when discussing spiritual matters,accusing others of not responding high enough intellectually…. When in Reality they are just seeking to justify their lack of obedience in proclaiming Christ, and their Low Moral behavior in the light of scripture…. As ” weekend warrior” Greek students, altering scripture to fit their lifestyle philosophy………. And particularly you Donald …. Your fire breathing, uncontrolled rants on the other blog we spoke on ….quite frankly make you unqualified go use the “bitter” card…… Especially in light of the hateful spitfire that oozes from this Calvinie/Reformie/leftist ” Christian” blog 😐

  8. Hmmm!! Hows about if we give the unrepentant sodomites two islands or sections of land, one for women sodomites and one for men sodomites. We will not allow them to come into the land of heterosexuals to get their “replenishments” of their population. We will then see if it is indeed a “sustainalble lifestyle”. The tragedy of most detractors of Fundamentalism is that they themselves are being very hypocritical in that they won’t become one of us and show us how to do it right. Come and join us and try to understand us then lead us by example. My life’s verse is Matthew 23:1-4 and that is what I see in those who mock and detract fundamentalism. It gives them an excuse not to stick with sound doctrine and high moral standards. Look at all the fundamentalists in the past who fell. David, Solomon, Samson, Noah, Abraham, Jacob, the list goes on and yet what God wrote through them is accurate and correct doctrine. I am comforted in that Jesus “chastises” his own and at 1st Baptist Church in Hammond you did not see a “coverup” as we see in “liberal” religious and political camps. If we had the same standards in our government as at Hammond,the people like Obama, Bidens, Egan, Nicholas, Kolvenbach and all their supporters would be in jail for life w/o possibility of parol years ago. So as you cast your grains of sand, pebbles and then rocks and fundamentalism, be aware that with the judgment you mete to us, it will be meted unto you. My measure is Christ, and that leaves this writer shaking in his boots. exceedingly.

    1. And yet, Ross, you fundamentalists are the absolute biggest hypocrites. Lets start with your use of the word “sodomite.” You are aware that the term “sodomy” can be applied to anyone that has had oral sex. Tell me, Ross, have you had oral sex? Have you given oral sex to any woman? Because I’m willing to bet yes and that makes you a sodomite.

      Secondly there is your claim that fundamentalists are oh so much more moral. And yet you’re really not. The biggest users of porn? Fundamentalists. The highest divorce rate? Fundamentalists. And lets not forget the sins of such fundamentalists as George W Bush ordering torture, or Larry Craig and the bathroom stall, or Jim Baker and the list goes on and on. Because fundamentalists just love to engage in sinful behavior while hiding behind God’s coattails just like Mr. Worley did when he was advocating treating gays just like Hitler treated Jews. Oh and lets not forget Pat Robertson saying that a nuclear bomb needs to be dropped on the US State Department or Brian Fischer’s recent call for the kidnapping of children or his also recent calls for a a second US civil war if you precious fundamentalists don’t win this November.

      Your measure isn’t Christ, Ross, because you are not Christ like. Your measure is your own petty ego that you’ve puffed up with a false and hateful form of Christianity. If you were really the Christian you claim you are, Ross, then you would act far more like Christ then you do. And there is nothing Christ like in what you wrote.

      You fundamentalists are the ultimate pharisees. You all spend your time worrying so much about sitting in judgement of everyone around you.

      By the way..the measure of your life would be better spent if you bothered to obey Matthew 25:31-46.

    2. Maybe I don’t want to send all non-heterosexuals off to die is because I would like to be a Christ-like example to my friends and relatives. I would like to see them repent of their sins and become children of God. That means I treat them with love and compassion, not loathing.

      Who is my neighbor? Hmmmm….everyone. Love thy neighbor. Which ones? I don’t see a pick and chose option.

      Quit cherry-picking Scripture pieces that fit how you want to be and allow you to rationalize your behavior. Try the whole counsel of Scripture.

      1. Wilver, the only one cherry picking scripture is you.

        Plus the fact that you’re forgetting this isn’t a theocracy.

        So why don’t you repent for your sins of arrogance, ignorance, intolerance, fear and hatred.

    3. Charles L. Worley, I didn’t realize your middle name is Ross.

      Your middle initial must have been derived in a manner similar to that of Maynard G. Krebs (the “G” was for Walter– he was named after his aunt).

    4. Women sodomites? Isn’t that an oxymoron? I mean, their equipment isn’t exactly suited to the task at hand. 🙄

  9. And would some fundamentalist here like to explain if homosexuality is such a sin..why has it been observed in 1500 animal species? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animals

    Unless of course you’re willing to argue that animals are capable of sin?

    Last time I checked, this isn’t a theocracy. this is not a Christian Iran. So perhaps my fellow Christians should keep that fact in mind?

    1. I do have to point out that animals also commit incest, fratricide, and cannibalism so by your logic those things should be acceptable to humans as well.

      Saying “animals do it and therefore it is morally neutral” isn’t a very strong argument. There are better arguments and you’d be advised to look into them. 🙂

        1. And my point was that just because something occurs “in nature” doesn’t make it inherently good.

          As I said, there are other better arguments to be made there.

        2. Oh you mean like how the United States isn’t a theocracy and that noone has the right to legislate their religious beliefs and force others to live by those religious beliefs?

    2. Right. I don’t agree with all Darrell’s views about sin, but I think he’s right this time.

      Without even looking it up, I can name at least a dozen animal species that routinely eat their own offspring. I still don’t think people should do that. It’s natural for babies to eat paint, but that doesn’t mean you should let babies eat paint.

      JamesK does have a point, though, although he didn’t say it explicitly. Some of the anti-gay crusaders denounce homosexuality as “unnatural.” Of course it’s natural. If it weren’t it wouldn’t exist, or at least wouldn’t be common. But many things are natural (see above). That’s no argument either for or against such things.

      1. Gary, the problem with your argument is that for homosexuality to be a sin it would have to be a choice. Homosexuality is no more a choice then heterosexuality so therefor it isn’t a sin.

        A homosexual who never has sex with a person of the same gender a day in his/her life will still be a homosexual.

        David, does Alaska work? Or Bikini atoll?

  11. this has already been done. It was called the Massachusetts Bay Colony, and, based on what I’ve been able to glean from David Barton videos and and the A Beka Book American history texts, it was damn close to a return to the Garden.

    2. Wade, if you think David Barton is a credible source on anything..you really need to reexamine that position.

      David Barton is a known fraud, conman and liar.

      to quote BigGary: Without even looking it up, I can name at least a dozen animal species that routinely eat their own offspring. I still don’t think people should do that. It’s natural for babies to eat paint, but that doesn’t mean you should let babies eat paint.

      Those examples you give, Gary, are harmful and dangerous.

      You’re going to have a fun time trying to argue that a consensual sexual act in which neither participant is actually harmed is the same.

      Conservatives love to claim they’re oh so for freedom. Well freedom means that people get to do things that conservatives don’t like.

      If conservatives want to live in a theocracy where they can use the government to force everyone to obey their religious beliefs they are free to move to a country like Iran.

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