142 thoughts on “The Facts Of Life”

    2. Mr. Beowolf, You can expect to be contacted by the respected law firm, One of Six, Inc. for trademark infringement on your use of the word First. 😆

      1. But, since you spelled my name incorrectly, I’ll consider myself free from legal obligation. 😉

  3. why call it sex when you can call it intimacy and confuse the whole intimacy issue. intimacy is so much more than sex, hello?
    “ALL OTHERS ARE WARNED NOT TO WATCH THIS VIDEO. Mature adults: you may relax, not immodest images have been used.” Hilarious, hysterical 🙄 😆 😯 😀

    2. “why call it sex when you can call it intimacy and confuse the whole intimacy issue. intimacy is so much more than sex, hello?”

      Duh…What cha talkin’ ’bout. them wemens jus’ can’t figer it out.

  4. “Four of the key areas for problems in a marriage are Communication, In-law problems, Finances and Intimacy.”

    Communication: You are not allowed to talk or be friends with the opposite sex all your life, until you are married to one. Figure it out or go ask your mog.
    In-Laws: It’s their job to arrange/approve your marriage anyway, and they are just being “helpful” in giving you advice. Leave and cleave, bah!
    Finances: Because you are expected to live on peanut butter and beans while your mog has a more lavish lifestyle, yup, finances are going to be a problem.
    Intimacy: See communication. Having no clue how to be intimate, both mentally and physically with anyone, much less a spouse, is a recipe for failure.

    Boy wouldn’t these make a great wedding shower gifts? I wonder if they come in VHS?

    2. You put your what into my…? Are you sure? Will it fit? Let’s look at the photo in your book of electrical connectors again.

  5. For me, when you are with someone you love and are right for each other it all falls in line…No amount of DVDs can help if you’ve married because of loneliness or because it was expected or you haveta fulfill the dream of sex and the perfect married Christian life before the rapture comes. I’m sad especially for the young naive optimistic ones watching something like this.

  6. Anything like that first DVD from S.M.Davis can go straight from the table to the garbage can. Actually, to be SURE it’s safe, I’d drop the DVD in my shredder first so nobody can get their hands on that filth. 👿

  7. This is so, so odd. And sad. And wrong, on so many levels. And, does anyone else find the mustachioed gentleman a bit…creepy?

    1. Ha Ha. I had to go back and look again. I guess if you make the setting in the Victorian times it is safer for romance. Everyone knows that EVERYONE in those days was a virgin.

      1. Snidely Whiplash was the villain on the Dudley Do-Right cartoons, which was part of the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Sorry, somebody had to set the record straight on that one.

    2. That screen caplooks like some twisted Rorschach ink blot test. I keep seeing an image of a preacher humping a podium. 😯

    3. This guy conflates two separate things: sexuality and morality. Morality means basically knowing the difference between right and wrong. Therefore, it is quite common to be both sexually abstinent and immoral. Yet when most preachers speak against immorality they are referring to sexual licentiousness.

      Stealing is immoral, lying is immoral, killing is immoral etc. Morality involves much more than just certain actions regarding sex.

    4. Because of his teachings “My Son, Give me thine heart” teachings on betrothal, teachings on the prodigal son, my parents have literally destroyed our family. And it’s all because they followed his teachings exactly. He’s a very power-hungry man that got a huge ego when he was one of the first in the IFB to start teaching courtship and betrothal. He became the authority on it and traveled teaching this garbage. A huge group of people left his church when he started getting so crazy. I visited his church a ton as a kid.

  9. I like nothing more than to watch fake porn, unless its watching fake porn with my mother.

  11. Sex can keep you from God, didn’t you know? Unless your mother is in the room. Oedipus.

    1. Yeah, I can hear the Fundie post-consumation conversation from graduates of this course now:

      “Wow, where did you learn to do that?!”
      “My mother taught me.” 😯

  12. I clicked. I was done seconds in at the link to oldpathschristianity.org

    I tried again, but I will admit I skipped around a bit. I do believe in moral purity and waiting for marriage. What I do have trouble with is assuming your audience is so stupid as to believe all the made up “statistics” (about the 6:05 or so mark) these guys get from each other without actually doing any true research. I realize I’m not exactly the average TV watcher, but I seriously doubt there is any way I could ever have seen the number of sex acts on TV he claims. I like the way he includes the soaps in his list as he speaks to students. You know how many kids run home at lunch to watch General Hospital.

    1. This should have been under @Katherine’s sermon link. For some reason I had two windows open, and wrote on the wrong one.

      Uf coarse i blaim Jorje.

    2. It all depends on what the definition of “sex act” is. I think the fundies may be including things like “women wearing pants” as sex acts.

      1. In that case, I’m having sex right now. While typing this comment. I’m such a hussy …

        1. Actually, you’re probably a BRAZEN hussy. For some reason, hussies are never clandestine or discrete, but BRAZEN. 😀

    3. “The average person sees 9,200 sex acts or implied sex acts per year on television”.
      That works out to about 25 per day. What in the world are people watching? Non-stop Cinemax and the Discovery Channel?

      1. I *wish* there was that much porn on Cinemax! They don’t even show male frontal on that channel! 😛

        1. Foreign films have no problem showing frontal male nudity, just sayin. 😎

      2. Animal Planet :mrgreen:

        Hey, he didn’t say human sex acts. I bet if you live on a farm, you’re the perviest perv ever, with all the sex you see. 🙄

      3. 9200?! I’m not a huge TV/movie watcher, but I’ve watched a fair share of movies which have sex scenes in them, and I’m pretty certain I haven’t seen that many in my entire life.

        Although, it really does matter what counts as a “sex act”. If kissing counts as a “sex act”, then perhaps I’ve seen 9200 in movies/TV shows in my life, but certainly not every year!

  13. The grammar in the description is killing me. It talks about “four of the key areas for problems,” then in the next sentence uses the singular to describe them with “a large number of couples have problems in this area.” The misspelling of the word “discretely” is also charming.

    Stuff Fundies Like: Writing that could have been done better by a sixth grader.

  14. I’m single, so I really shouldn’t even have looked at this post. Yikes, I’m scarred for life! 👿 😆

    2. Imagine how I, a pure and chaste young lady, must feel! I mean, I’m engaged, but we won’t be married for another 8 months!

  15. He makes “Intimacy in Marriage” sound like it’s a revolutionary new concept, something he just stumbled on one day that solved all his marriage problems in one fell swoop.

      1. Only until he answered The Call.

        And when he answered The Call, the Lord showed him the proof-texts pointing to God’ Way To Marital Intimacy, which mysteriously and wondrously fit into a sermon series outline sized for preaching between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, each sermon alliterated and with a suitable lead-in to an altar call at the end.

        And that’s how he became a Managawd.

  16. “Married Adults or those within one week of marriage.”

    I wonder what’s the special significance of being within a week of being married. I mean what if someone and his mom can’t find 70 minutes to set aside in the week leading up to the wedding? Does that guy just have to figure it out on his own or does he just have to risk defiling himself by watching this a month before the marriage night?

    1. If they’re two weeks from marriage they’ll magically turn into raging whores.

    2. Maybe it should be extended to nine months from marriage, just in case.

      Not that we’re condoning anything…

      1. So what happens if you call off the wedding within that one week? Are you then damned and required to gouge out your eyes?

      2. Mommy, Daddy, I finally realized what I’m not supposed to be doing with Freddie, or Joe, or Bobby. By the way I’m going to have a baby. 😥

    3. “Those about to be married should watch alone”

      I was always warened about those videos that should only be watched alone. 😳

    4. Here is how I imagine it…
      “Lets get married, and because it is taught in the Bible to abstain from sex until we are married, lets stay pure until our wedding night.”
      “Ok”
      (Three years later as the wedding date approaches)
      “I can hardly wait, only two weeks till we are married. We have waited so long. My mom got us a video to watch… What the heck, we have waited three years, what is one week, right?”
      (ten minutes later)
      “Dang, we should have waited that extra week. Got a cigarette?” (LOL, I know, fundy’s don’t smoke, but you gotta see how it looked in my brain… with them in bed with the sheets up around their armpits…) It was funny, trust me.

    5. Sorry to be blunt here, but the reason is they’re afraid the viewer will get curious and anything over a week is just too ong to hold out.

      1. Well, if the viewer hasn’t had sex and is intending to wait because it is the right thing to do, then unless this video is porn (is it?) then it shouldn’t be the thing that drives them to abandon their principles and run straight to the bedroom.

      2. Well, if they can’t wait another week, when they are probably learning about sex the first time, without wanting to “experiment”, then they are not mature enough to get married. And a prime example of what happens when you are not taught a healthy view of sex and it is always treated like something that doesn’t happen or is bad, no matter what context.
        That kind of reasoning is absolutely ridiculous.

  17. The biggest barrier to “Intimacy in Marriage” is a fundy upbringing. Maybe they could go back a little farther and cure it there.
    It is weird and sick that the people who CAUSED the problem are now selling the “cure” (Or at least I assume it is supposedly that.)

    1. Oh, Ah, and one of the biggest problems in marriages is in-laws. Yeah, if your in-laws are fundy I can see that being a problem. What with them wanting to be involved in every decision of your marriage, no matter how tiny. And still trying to control you like you are a child even though you are married and on your own.
      Of course if they AREN’T fundys, then they are STILL a problem because they wish more than anything you would get out of the cult you are in and see the light of day. Yeah… those dang in-laws. (of course it is never your OWN parents who might be the problem. Only his ~or hers~)

      1. My outlaws, I mean, parents in law, are a problem. They’re not fundy. Just insane.

        1. Mine would be a problem but we moved far away from them and I learned how to ignore them. But yeah, I can see the potential at first… but at some point the kids grow up enough to not allow their parents so much power. I didn’t know they needed a seminar class on that.

        2. Non-fundy in-laws can certainly be a problem. My sister-in-law is “spiritual but not religious” and worships a yoga mat or something. She is still an interfering bitch.

    2. if you’re not part of the solution, then there’s money to be made prolonging the problem.

      Or as we used to say in Organic Chemistry, if you’re not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate.

      1. Well thanks for making me feel like a nerd this AM! I’m merrily reading along and get to this random OChem comment and actually laugh out loud…I can still picture a bunch of us in OC lab laughing at the geeky hilarity of this joke! Good times to be had in Organic — until the grades come out! 😀

        1. I remember my OChem tests. 20 questions graded on a curve, thankfully. 7 right out of 20 was a solid C.
          We had one person who would score 18 right out of 20. Looking back I would consider him the 1982 version of Sheldon Cooper.

        2. Scorpio, have a seat by me. I had the highest lab grade in OChem and the lowest classroom grade. The professor may as well have been speaking Urdu. The upside is that it made me change majors and find something more suited.

  18. Wow, watch it with your mom? I wonder what Freud would have to say about that?

    I only have 1 recommendation to say about those dvd’s and that is RUN AWAY!!!

    1. I always thought Baptists left it up to the youth pastor to teach girls about sex. 😈

    1. Apparently, the inverse is also true; once you are married, you are automatically ‘mature’. Which means the only designator of maturity is the act of copulation.

  20. So you’re only allowed to watch this video if you’re already married, or single but within one week of marriage. All others are warned NOT TO WATCH THIS VIDEO!!!

    2. I was not done, it posted before I hit submit. What do they think putting that in caps is going to do? Make those who they deem not eligible to watch it, want to watch it. Whenever you warn people not to do something it only gives them a greater curiosity about it, especially something regarding sexual matters.

      Then they say no immodest images are used. So why can’t a single person watch it? Are the descriptions so graphic they’ll afraid a single person will be turned on by them and cause them to want what they can’t have?

      It doesn’t matter. I already know what’s in most of these kinds of videos. It’s another opportunity for these sexist pastors to AGAIN tell women to give in to their HUSBAND’s sexual desires. Nothing is mentioned about their own, they don’t have any. Sex is only another avenue of submission like doing the laundry and cooking dinner. BLAH!!! 👿

      1. We are thinking so alike today! (Could be that similar past) but I agree. The pastors are all about what the WIFE needs to do to make the husband happy and not stray, and never ONCE did I hear a whiff of an idea that perhaps the husband could take a break from his studying to hold a cranky baby or lend a hand to the dishes or in some way make it a little easier on the wife so she might have some energy left for lovemaking by the time she fell into bed. These are things good husbands learn over time, but as long as advice is being given out, it should have been given more evenly.

        1. Yes and all of this is only common sense. The man who comes home and wants his dinner, and will not help his exhausted wife with the dishes and child care ought not to complain when she’s too tired to make love. The sensitive husband will come home and ask what he can do to help. He will tell her to rest while he does the dishes or has the older children help. And not only on nights when he wants to make love either. They don’t seem to get it. They’re so wrapped up in making sure they never do a lick of “women’s work” that they miss out on the more important things. Helping out at home will not only cause the wife to be more rested at bedtime but cause her to think more lovingly of him, and be more in the mood. 😉

        2. If you don’t mind I am going to jump in here ladies and defend my gender.
          My wife and I both work. In addition to my work I am taking a ridiculous load of college classes, truly brutal. However, doing the dishes daily is my job. In addition, I do the laundry about 95% of the time (wash, dry, fold, put away). My wife does most of the cooking though I try to do that at least 3 nights per week as well. I do my own ironing.

          When we got married we decided not to split household chores into men’s and women’s but instead to divide them up into chores we want to do.

          To be clear, I am not writing all of this to brag on myself. I am writing it to point out that not all of us men are selfish jerks.

        3. I’m sorry if you thought I or Sims was trying to imply that ALL men are selfish jerks, they most certainly are not. My husband helps out some, not as much as I’d like but some. He’s learning. Fundyville is what seems to divide the chores into men’s work and women’s work (taking care of the cars, the outside work being the men’s work and everything inside as women’s, except for the Mr. Fix It jobs) so women are overwhelmed a lot of the time. I’ve heard stories where a man gripes because his wife is always late for church, but all he has to do on Sunday morning is get up and get himself ready. His wife has to get up, fix the breakfast for everyone, wash the dishes, get the kids ready, and get herself ready. He helps with none of it. Then he has the nerve to gripe! 👿

          I wish more men were like you Mr. Apathetic. I’m sure you didn’t learn to be a considerate, helpful husband in Fundyville though. You’re to be emulated by every man! :mrgreen:

        4. I don’t think most men are selfish jerks. I think some are, but I think that for the most part men love their wives and would do ANYTHING to make them happy. (At least that is my experience) The problem is that (at least at first) they really don’t know WHAT to do and the sermons and seminars that focus on the wives doing everything to make the men happy and leaving out any focus on things that men might do to honor their wives tend to turn otherwise sensitive and loving husbands into selfish jerks. The imbalance in the teaching was what I was talking about, nothing more. I am impressed with almost every husband I know. Mine most of all.

        5. @Macushlalondra,

          I did learn that from a fundy. My Dad is a fundy preacher and he does most of what I listed and more. Except for ironing. My Dad is a bit absent-minded and he once nearly burnt the house down in an ironing related incident.
          I recently visited my parents and helped them do the chores. My Mom really enjoys yard work so she was outside on the riding mower (in a long skirt of course :mrgreen:) while my Dad was inside making sandwiches and iced tea. I guess I learned from them that it is kind of silly to divide the housework up by gender roles.

        6. LOL that’s hard to believe. Your dad sure doesn’t sound like any fundy preacher I ever heard. They think it’s beneath a man’s dignity to do “woman’s work” especially changing diapers or washing dishes. Your dad sounds like a prince as do you. I had to laugh at the image of him ironing, though he’s willing, it’s safer that he doesn’t. It’s a good thing we don’t have to do as much ironing as we did before permanent press. :mrgreen:

        7. just curious—If I help out around the house so that the lovely Mrs. isn’t too tired, does that make me selfish?

        8. @Uncle Wilver–good question. It only makes you selfish if you expect/demand your “reward” at the end of the day. In other words, she should still be able to say no even if you’ve been nice.

      2. Last week’s lesson in my conversion class was “Kosher Sex.” One of the most interesting things I learned about Jewish views on the subject is that it’s a man’s duty to ensure that his wife is sexually satisfied, not the other way around. 😯 It’s seen as one of a wife’s 3 basic rights in marriage: food, clothing, and sex. And for both genders, sex without concern for your partner’s pleasure is considered wicked.

        After being raised Catholic and then fundy, it was kinda shocking for me to hear such a healthy attitude about sexuality. I mean, Jews are actually *encouraged* to have sex on the Sabbath! God knows a fundy would never have sex on a Sunday (if for no other reason than that they’re expected to be at church all day!), and I know lapsed Catholics who STILL can’t bring themselves to do it on Christmas.

        1. This reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite movies “Yentl” with Barbra Streisand. If you haven’t seen this movie, Miranda, you should. Yentl, posing as a young man to study the Torah falls in love with Avigdor, but since she’s dressed as a boy, he thinks she’s a boy. Then he isn’t able to marry the girl he loves, Hadassah, so he gets Yentl to marry her instead (she’s using her brother’s name Anshel) When Yentl/Anshel balks, Avigdor threatens to leave town. So Yentl/Anshel agrees to do it reluctantly. On the day of the wedding Avidgor reads Yentl/Anshel this letter that was written by a rabbi from many years ago, and I loved it, I wish I could find it online but I couldn’t. It said just what you’re saying, that the husband is to see that the wife is satisfied. It ended “her delight is what matters.” :mrgreen: If a man was to follow what that rabbi wrote, he’d have a wife who looked forward to bedtime. :mrgreen:

        2. I haven’t seen Yentl yet, but it’s in my Netflix Jew Queue! Judaism is almost as much a culture as it is a religion, so our rabbi recommended watching as many Jewish movies as possible.

        3. Uh…our Catholic premarriage workshop had a whole section on sex. The discussion was led by a married couple who emphasized communication and pleasure. And no one told us we couldn’t have sex on certain days. I went to Catholic school in the most conservative diocese in the United States where we learned all about all of the church documents on sex as seniors. The “unitive” aspect of sex in marriage was equally emphasized with the “procreative” aspect. And we were never told that sex is banned on Sundays or holy days. If people are repressed because of Catholicism it is because they are the victims of bad teaching, not because of what the church believes.

        4. I didn’t mean to suggest that Catholicism itself is repressive, just that many Catholics *are* sexually repressed. I agree that bad teaching is a problem, but I think there is an awful lot of that in the Church. Not so much as in the past (I have older relatives who still think you go straight to Hell for eating a cheeseburger on a Friday), but it’s there.

          Interestingly, a lot the Catholics I know who I’d identify as “repressed” are the ones who *didn’t* go to Catholic school, and usually only went to church for Christmas, Easter, and Baptisms/First Communions. So in their case, maybe the problem wasn’t bad teaching, but lazy learning. (FTR, my family was Traditionalist Catholic, and I attended an all-girls Catholic school through 8th grade, but I still received a thorough sexual education. Probably earlier than if I’d attended public school!)

        6. Since the Man’s satisfaction is all but inevetable, it only makes sense to focus on the women’s pleasure. At least that’s the way I’ve always looked at it.

        8. This attitude (husband’s duty) is AFAIK straight out of the Law of Moses. And I agree that it’s a very sensible approach to sex.

        9. Dang, that is awesome.
          I cannot comprehend how Christians can be against sex ed, incidentally. It’s so DANG important. I mean, right now, as a Criminology student, I’m in a class called “Sex Offenders” (yes, it is incredibly awkward to say you’re studying sex offending), and one of the big points raised by the professor and by a woman who works to treat sex offenders in prison, is that we do not spend enough time teaching people what consent is. We explain how a sperm and an egg make a baby, we MAYBE say “hey, use a condom”, but even in public schools we are so squeamish around the subject of sex that we don’t make people learn truly essential things. When it comes to sex offender research, one of the theories about the discrepancies between how many sexual assaults women report suffering and how many sexual assaults men report committing is that men sometimes don’t even realise they’re committnig an assault. They don’t realise how blatant consent should be. They have never been taught this.
          Haha, anyway, forgive my essay. Reluctance to discuss aspects of sex beyond basic biology is detrimental to us. Fundy attitudes are sure as heck not helping

    3. I just find it interesting that the product comes with such specific instructions about who is allowed to watch it and when.

      What is really frightening is that I assume the target audience will follow those instructions to the letter.

      1. CEO (Christmas-Easter Only) Catholics can hardly be counted as Catholic. I find it interesting that it is one of the only denominations where people who do not regularly attend church are often given authority status by the general public when it comes to doctrine and practice.

        I’ve never heard anyone quote their Methodist or Presbyterian friend who only goes to church twice a year as an authority on Methodism or Presbyterianism or an example of the beliefs of all Methodists or Presbyterians. Just saying.

        1. I never meant to suggest that those people were authorities on Catholicism, or that they represented all Catholics; I was just saying, I know a lot of self-described Catholics who act this way. I think we’re basically in agreement here, I’m just not very good at expressing myself.

      2. It’s a good thing that Song of Solomon came with an R18+ rating, right? Oh, wait…

  22. I’d like to take the opportunity to thank my psycho fundy mother who NEVER gave me “the talk”. And that she disowned me before I got married, so she didn’t have the opportunity to make me vomit over this. 😯

  23. “Mature adults: relax, no indiscreet images are used.”

    I’m going to judge the DVD by the cover and assume all the images old Victorian Valentines and Victorian advertising ephemera?

  24. Ok So I have to be the first to say it. Anyone else find it ironic that we’re taking advice about sexual purity from a guy who’s initials are S and M.
    I know me and my dirty mind.

  25. “Are you a giver or a taker?”

    Did anyone else snicker at this or am I the only one with a dirty mind?

  26. This is all coming from a guy who sent his daughter to Hephzibah house. Grain of salt people… 👿

    1. Yep, I believe his daughter ended up marrying one of Ron’s sons. Now the Davis and Williams families are all buddy buddy.

  28. I think if I were gonna pay $100 for a 10 DVD bad sex advice curriculum, it would be sold at an adult store, not from these freaks.

    1. Actually, if you’re getting it from the adult store, the sex advice is probably better & costs less, so you’d have money left over for some…playthings. 😳

  29. This reminds me of a visit I paid to a friend’s house not along ago. When I spied a bottle of one of those fruit-based shampoos in her bathroom, I asked whether she had been engaging in fructification.

    It’s a good thing we’re close friends. (She laughed herself silly.) :mrgreen:

  31. Ha Ha Ha! (Forced laughter).
    In my early teens, my parents made us watch BS Davis’s Courtship videos to bring us over to the courtship side.
    Afterwards, my parents gave us meaningful looks (my older brother was dating a non-core church girl at the time) exhorted us that they wanted what’s best for us, and sent us off to bed.

    It didn’t work, except for my younger brother, who eventually married a homeschooler of the ATI variety.

    If his ‘on-screen graphics’ (his words not mine) haven’t improved, this would be well worth the laugh.

    1. Since we’re on unfortunate initials… Dude must have had a REALLY embarassing firstname to want to be known as “BS” *snigger*

  32. Dear S & M (should you ever read this),

    It does not surprise me in the least that the words ‘Jesus’ or ‘Gospel’ are not found anywhere on your advertisement for this garbage that you call Christian teaching.

    For your material to be considered Christian it must have something to do with Christ. Your filth might could fall under the category of self-help, Mormon, Jewish, etc, but it is not Christian.

    You are a peddler of the law with no regard for the One who fulfilled it 2000 yrs ago. Your message is moralistic, legalistic, and Christless, and it makes me want to vomit.

    Preach Christ you wolf or shut your f’ing mouth.

    1. That was a lil harsh, and I was angry at you when I wrote it (which wasn’t wise), but man your Christless message is hurting a lot of people. I urge you to repent of your legalism and self-obsessed theology. However, I should’ve been more gracious in my post. I apologize.

  33. Yeah, I really want a series about sex based on Victorian ideas. 🙄 Because we all know that they were not sexually repressed at all, and they emphasize the mutual pleasure of the husband and wife. Oh, and also, we all know they were really good about sharing childcare and household duties.
    That is the era I want to take sex advice from.

    :gag:

  34. I had a couple of his tapes that I got from a traveling bookseller who visited our church. I was 15 when I reluctantly (but wanting to be as holy as this guy said his daughters were) asked my dad to arrange my marriage. My dad wisely said “We’ll see when the time comes.” I’m so glad my dad didn’t buy into this because he wouldn’t have picked my husband and I ended up with the best husband ever!

  35. yeah,davis is a tard. i had to sit through hours of his long @$$ sermons. Each sermon is about 3 hours long. I am so glad I got out of fundyland. “Dr.” Davis was one of the worst traveling preachers that I had to listen too. ❗

  36. My son agrees with me that we’d both rather tear our eyes out than watch this. 😯 The tagline just makes it sound like, well… let’s just say that, when he was with Jocasta, Oedipus was a M**********r, when you think about it. 😳 😈

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