255 thoughts on “Help Wanted”

  4. Wait… “If you’re looking for an argument find a tree and maybe you’ll win!”

    Could this BE any more hateful of an ad? It will only attract hate-filled judgmental people. One supposes this is what they want? 🙄 😯

    1. My Bible says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, and gentleness. I’m so sick of mean-spirited, angry, miserable attitudes posing as “true, Biblical” Christianity.

    2. I don’t get it. Could you explain that to me please?

      And just to save myself posting another post I will put my comment here. I bet they have people lining up for THAT job. Can you imagine coming in to that with whoever wrote THAT ad for the boss of you? I wonder what it pays…

  6. Hover text says the salary $12,000 a year and all the covered dish suppers you can eat. Well at least you won’t go hungry… 😉

  8. 10 years ago this was my checklist for finding “The Right Church”. Thank God for a patient, loving wife who helped me see the truth.

  9. But oh, this is rich: “We do not believe in going back to the Greek, Hebrew, Chaldean, Sand Script, Native American, Cave paintings, or Finger Paintings by children to “interpret” Gods word. God can speak English just fine and since he promised to preserve his word there is no need to go outside the English language to find it.”

    Sand Script? WTH??? roflz. Does he perchance mean Sanskrit? But then, that would mean someone would require some of that dadburned edjumacation he deems so unnecessary.

    1. Given this guy’s general air of ignorance suggests he really MAY mean someone writing on the edge of the ocean? Who knows. No, I do believe, on second thought, you are right. He sounds just that lacking to have meant Sanskrit. 🙄

    3. I was amused at this sentence. “There has been a change in some of the laws such as the Sabbath, the Passover, and a doing away of the Cardinal and fleshly ordinances including meats and drinks.” By capitalizing “Cardinal” he completely changes the meaning. I think he meant to use cardinal as defined as “important, basic, or fundamental.” By capitalizing it he makes it appear as if the though they have done away with certain red-robed Catlicker bishops. 😀

      1. Do you think it ever occurred to them to wonder why Almighty God didn’t speak it English the first time?

        1. How dare you!!!! Everyone knows the Old Testament and New Testament were both originally inspired in English. God spoke it in English, Moses, the prophets, and Paul translated it into Hebrew and Greek than the Jimmy the Great had it translated back into its original language.

        2. LOL! For some reason this made me think of the original Star Trek series (well, all of them, actually). No matter where in the universe the Enterprise goes, everyone speaks English, Klingons, weird grotesque alien blobs, everyone. Yep, English really is the universal language. 😉

      2. Maybe he’s talking about the St. Louis Cardinals… probably not the Arizona Cardinals, but who knows? Probably as good a guess as any.

    5. Ever stop to think it was a joke i means Finger paintings by children is mentioned!!!!

    1. Oh, wouldn’t that be a hoot? I’d love to show up to this dude’s house some bright Sunday morning, unruly kids in tow, dressed in jeans, my neon hair aglow, piercings all in place, tats on full display … that’d be just awesome. My unruly kids know their Bible, though, and they love church (maybe not in some guy’s dank basement where it drops the lotion, however).

      1. What a picture! NOT of you and the tattoos and the jeans and the neon hair; the picture I want to see is the look on the guy’s face when you walk in. Sigh. Good Times. 😀

  11. Six people in a house…? No doubt they are homeschooling wacko’s with no education of their own.

    2. Given the quality of the grammar in the ad, it appears the author was homeschooled and ignored by the teacher.

  12. Poe??? but no.

    Why look for a pastor when it seems as if he meets the criteria? Because I’m thinking the only person that qualifies with all of their beliefs might be Steven Anderson. This ad is like the melting pot of the worst beliefs and theology of fundamentalism all rolled into one kettle of soup.

  13. I think the reason they want a pastor with wife and children is to double the size of their congregation. 😛

    1. ^This. If the pastor and wife have 4 kids then they can arrogantly claim that God is doing a work in their church. We have doubled in size because we are not compromisers!

      1. That’s why church doesn’t start until 1:00 pm on Sundays, they are too busy making new members in the morning!

  15. “Holy sand script, Batman!” Sand script…if it wasn’t so sad, it’d be hilarious: “We’re so serious about separation, we refuse to learn any history at all.”

  16. “We also believe the Pastor MUST currently be raising or have raised Godly children.”

    Buncha librerals, addding to the Bible.

    The Bible makes no room for “having raised Godly children.” The Bible says “having his children in subjection with all gravity.” Once a pastor’s children are grown, he must resign from the ministry.

    1. Yes! Do these people really hold a pastor accountable for what his grown children do wrong? If raising them in a well-disciplined loving home kept them from sin all their lives, this world would be a whole lot better than it is!

      1. At my fundy aunt and uncles church, one of the deacons had to get up infront of the church and confess the sin if not having his house in order. His 22 year old, single daughter got pregnant.

        1. So, what is the cutoff date? At what age may I rest easy, knowing that finally my adult children’s choices are their own responsibility??? The rest of the world does not call me to task for them; they answer for their work to their own boss; the boss does not call ME if there is a problem. Do fundies believe that the Lord holds every parent accountable forever? 🙄

  17. There is a typo in this line: Women can and should be preaching the Gospel through soul winning, and any chance she can get. She is only forbidden from doing so during church!

  18. By reading this, I believe I know exactly WHO these people are. I will further investigate once I am on my computer.

  19. We are forming our own little cult and you can buy in if you believe the Bible like we do.

    –We believe that the Holy Spirit DOES NOT Convict you of sins!
    Yeah, the Holy Spirit is sooo over rated hungh? When you see statements like this then you know you are seeing the germination of a cult.

    –The Great tribulation is not God pouring out his wrath.
    I’m not dispy but if the Great Tribulation is not about God’s wrath then go ahead and tear Revelation out of your King Jimmy.

    –We are 100% King James ONLY!
    and we have our idol

    –However Gods laws of right and wrong still apply therefore murderers, adulterers, kidnappers, sodomites, etc. deserve the death penalty according to God’s word.
    Cults cherry pick the laws that they will follow. This is a prime example of a cult that doesn’t understand the Gospel. If they understood the Gospel then they would be humbled by God’s mercy and Grace, instead of taking such a haughty and judgmental attitued.

    –No Sunday schools, Nurseries, Youth Groups etc. We also believe Bible colleges, Christian Schools, etc are biblically incorrect. Yeah because in a cult all indoctrination must be strictly regulated so that the group think is easier to manage. Besides we can’t have anyone actually thinking for themselves. That is dangerous to the cult family.

    –We also believe the King James is the inspired word of God in English! We do not believe in going back to the Greek, Hebrew, Chaldean, Sand Script, Native American, Cave paintings, or Finger Paintings by children to “interpret” Gods word. God can speak English just fine and since he promised to preserve his word there is no need to go outside the English language to find it.
    Non-sequitur and hyperbole much? Apples, oranges and red herrings to poison the well. This is a major “CULT Following Ahead” flag.

    My heart aches for the families who are caught up in the burgeoning startup cult. God have mercy on them. 😥

    1. It is probably just him, his wife and 4 kids!
      Since there are no Bible believing churches in the area, I did a check too see what was in the area. There are several United Methodist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, UCC and Roman Catholic. Guess what dumbbutt, they all believe in the Bible -just not your wack job way.

    2. “Humbled by God’s mercy and grace” — yes, indeed, brother Don!

      Any time I find myself back on my high horse, all I have to do is consider Christ and my self-conceit is shattered.

  20. Loved all the comments so far. But one of the first things I thought of was, wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Lord Jesus Christ showed up in the flesh and applied for this job!

    1. Yeah, Jesus doesn’t meet their qualifications. 😐 Neither does God the Father: “And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, AND GIVEN HER A BILL OF DIVORCE; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.” (Jeremiah 3:8 KJV)

      1. I pull that one pretty regularly when the subject of divorce/remarriage comes up with fundies. “Hey wait a minute don’t you know the Lord of creation went through a divorce?” Most don’t have a clue, but it says it right in their KJV!

    2. “Non-English speaking, long-haired men in sandals and Middle Eastern dress need not apply.”

    3. This reminds me of something I read once. Here is an excerpt of a letter that would be crafted by the dear Apostle Paul, if he were to apply to one of our churches today.

      Dear Deacon Board:

      Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also have had some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been. “I’m over 50 years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing. “My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I baptized. “However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you.”

      From, The Apostle Paul

      1. Oh. My. Gosh. I *love* this. Wow. To think, they would no doubt turn down the NT’s greatest preacher. 😯

        3. add to that great description: unmarried, with no children.

          But a proficiency in Sand Script 🙂

    4. “Oh, hay-ell no. I don’t care whut His passport says, He looks like a Muslim. Look at that dress He’s wearin’! Moses in the Bull-rushes! He could be a homuh-saxule terrorist!”

      …sigh…

  21. 😯 Woooooow. 😯

    I can’t even muster a witty repartee. All I can think is “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.” Prov. 26:4 (KJV of course)

    😕

  26. Loved thees two quotes:

    “We believe the King James bible is thee word of God in English.”

    “We believe in Door to Door Soul winning as thee only biblical method to reach the lost.”

    Never seen “thee” substituted for “the” before. Besides the weird misspellings, I would sure like to see the chapter and verse for boths of thees claims.

    1. I am finally convinced that I am not a Christian at all, because I don’t actually understand something as fundamental as “Door to Door Sou;-Winning”! I’ve never done it. What does it actually mean?

      1. Paul, my understanding is that they have taken upon themselves the task of winning souls from the snare of the devil…of course what I teach from my pulpit is that we must preach the word in and out of season and let the Holy Spirit draw the lost in. We have a responsibility to proclaim and teach and disciple…but we lack the power to “win a soul”. That’s my two sense, someone with a better education could probably state it better than I.

      2. For years and years, IFB churches would devote one night a week (in our church it was Thursday; sometimes it’s Saturday morning) to go “cold-calling”. Usually a map of the neighborhood is used and they systematically cover street after street, going up to door after door and asking if the person who answers the door knows for sure if they’re going to heaven if they die (sometimes the opening line is different, but a lot use this line). If they say “no”, you tell them that you can show them how they can know for sure that they will go to heaven. If they say “yes”, you ask them what they’re basing that assurance on. Depending on their answer, you can also move into sharing the plan of salvation.

        Their arrogance in insisting that THIS is the Biblical way of spreading the Gospel and other ways are unbiblical and will have no success really bugs me.

        We are not a door-to-door society anymore. No one knocks on my door (except the Jehovah’s Witnesses). There aren’t any vacuum salesmen or encyclopedia salesmen going up and down the street. We don’t sit on our front porches chatting with the neighbors; we’re inside with our computers, televisions, and air conditioning. It’s a method of confrontation that to me comes from another era. I believe they get the idea from verses like Acts 5:42: “And daily in the temple, and in every house, they ceased not to teach and preach Jesus Christ.” (KJV) Of course, they don’t usually do it daily and they aren’t also preaching daily in church. I do not believe that this verse says the early Christians were knocking on their neighbors doors; I believe they were meeting together in homes and discussing Jesus.

        Insisting that God ONLY works through door-to-door visitation limits the work of the Holy Spirit and also forces all believers into the same mold when Scripture is clear that God has gifted us all in DIFFERENT ways. What if my personality makes it difficult for me to knock on a stranger’s door and intrude without asking into their evening? Has God not given me abilities that I can use to serve Him instead of forcing me to behave in a way that nowhere is commanded in Scripture?

        International Standard Version (©2008)

      1. It made me wish it, too, even though it IS mean. Then I went back and read Don’s last line, and agreed that my prayer is for our merciful Father to prevent anyone from answering this ad, or attending this so-called “church.” 😥

  28. “We do not believe in repentance of sins to be saved… The only repentance (Change) that has to be made is where your faith is. Repentance is not a guilty feeling it is just a change. We believe that the Holy Spirit DOES NOT Convict you of sins! It is NO WHERE in the bible unless you are reading an NIV.”

    They take their King James Only with a side of awful theology. Not that that’s anything new… just this one is notably bad.

        1. Wait never mind… they don’t believe in dispensationalism. I didn’t read closely enough the first time in my hurry to be done with it. These cats are a unique kind of crazy.

  30. This is really the kind of crazy you have to be born into. Well, that or very damaged and unstable people being drawn into something like this. It is hard to imagine how this sort of cult would attract ANYONE and yet, we have all seen it happen. I think it may be partly due to the safeguards they build into it. “People will say you are crazy…” “Those dirty rotten sinners who aren’t like us will look at you and say that you are in a CULT” “They don’t understand the Bible because they are using one o them BAD versions.” “Don’t argue with me about this, I ain’t lookin for an argument, just listen to me and learn what you need to know.” Ordinary people wouldn’t be drawn to this, but for the few people who are they have already turned their minds against anyone talking them out of belonging to their group. I even remember hearing, “Open minds are just an opportunity for everything to fall out.” or something like that… So COME to our church, CLOSE your mind, and SWALLOW whatever we give you. Don’t complain, don’t argue, just tow the line.

  31. They forgot a couple of points that the ad, nonetheless, makes clear:

    We believe in random Capital letters in Sentences.

    We reject Apostrophes.

  32. Boy, these guys sound so very tolerant and understanding. “We also believe the Pastor MUST currently be raising or have raised Godly children.” Ok, what about not being able to have kids? Not everyone can.

    That ad is the EXACT reason I left fundyland and all the goofy ideas that they have….

    (no offence to Goofy as he is a good dog)

  34. During my time in Fundystan I met some people like this. People who are so against everything that they cannot get along with other fundamentalists. They are so separated that they have to go off and start a church in their living room since there are no ‘good churches’ in their area.
    I do not know these people but I am guessing that they have attended every fundy church in their part of PA for a few months each. The pastor was probably glad to see them come and even gladder to see them go.
    My old church in TN attracted people like this for some reason. They would come in, want to teach SS, sing and preach. A few months later they would be gone. A couple of years later they would cycle back through after their latest attempt at starting a church failed.

    1. I’m thinking this post might be a parody, but there are people out there like this as you said. I remember one family probably attended 6-7 different IFB churches in the area, recycling through ours 2 or 3 times. A person once said to me during my time in Fundystan: “Boy, you Baptists switch churches a lot.” Darrell should to a post on Baptist Recyclers.

    2. 22 years ago, I also attended a church in TN that was super-fundy. The pastor was a joke, and he is now destroying lives in Florida somewhere, I think… but ANYWAY, there were people there who did leave and start a “church” in their living room. Eventually, yes, they did go to another area church, then leave and do their own thing again… one wonders if they are still at that, lo these many years later….

  35. 🙄 Well at least anyone answering that ad knows EXACTLY what he’s getting himself into. No, “OMG, what king of crazy people are these?!?” moments. You were warned right from the start.

    1. I don’t know, I can see the interview process now. “Come on in Brother. Is this “thee family? Great! How about a nice, big, cold glass of kool-aid before we get started?”

      All questions would begin with, “Now you do believe…“

  36. Well, there is no way for me to verify that I know these loons, but I had another person come read this and asked them who they thought it was. Their guess was the same as mine.

    If I am correct – they are all unmarried, 20 something, state college educated. And if I am correct, they are big fans of Steven “don’t taze me” Anderson.

    2. Maybe if you ask nicely, you can get Enigma to give you the information of the group he is thinking of. Then you could network together and double the size of your congregation…

  37. I am going to go out on a limb here and guess this group just left another church after destroying it with all this “doctrine.” Further out on the limb I imagine the pastor of the church they left reading the ad and thinking “God, I know this is probably cruel to say, but I sure am glad this bunch is gone.”
    Further out on the limb, (way out) I am making the prediction they never find a fully qualified man.
    Holding on to the last twig on said branch, I predict we see an ad in extrachurchequipmentforsale.com listing “6 hymnals in good condition, 6 chairs slightly soiled by the two toddler members required to attend meetings, and a row of KJV only books for sale.”

    What struck me as odd is the constant KJV onlyism combined with the total rejection of dispensations, gap theory, pre-trib, etc. Normally those are intertwined quite well, I am curious how this group is so off base yet so KJV. Doesn’t make sense.

  38. Hey Darrell, if you run into Titus, this may be a job he would be interested in, I’m trying to remember, is he too young for it?

    Anyway if you run into him, give him my regards and tell him to stop by sometime.

    1. Titus doesn’t have any children yet, Godly or otherwise, I hope. He and CMG haven’t been married that long, have they?

  39. “We believe in separation from both the world and any one who teaches or believes false doctrine. This includes dress, music, speech, etc.”

    Am I the only one who read this to mean that dress, music and speech are doctrines? To separate over no less? Or do they just mean they wanna separate from the world on those things? 😯 guess there’s not much difference… 🙄

  41. Since they are being sooooo literal how are we to interpret what they mean by this line of the King’s english?
    This is one of the qualifications they are requiring for the position of Pastor: a lover of good men 😯

  42. oh that’s just plain ole SCARY. 😯

    I am quite sure there are many groups like this that exist. Usually it’s a matter of them being under the radar. Oftentimes they are small & don’t even have a church building.

  43. It does sound quite a bit like what Steven Anderson teaches. If they are indeed unmarried 20 somethings I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up relocating to Tempe, Arizona.

    1. If they were Andersonites then they couldn’t be a church since Anderson teaches only a church can start a church. Also if this as a church started by him he would send one of his families out to Pastor the church. Also the doctrinal statement says that they don’t believe in the laying on of hands and that’s one of his biggest criterias. They also don’t believe in any government control which is opposite of his stance since his church is registered with the government.

  44. There are 1.5 billion Christians in the world, but the only people who got it figured out are 6 people in some dying hick town in Central PA.

    1. They explain this away by reminding us of how narrow the way is, and few there be that find it. Who knew it was under a dozen?? 🙄

  45. Oh good grief. It started out fairly OK, then took a turn into typical Fundy talk (KJV only, etc. etc.), and then it just took a sharp left turn into Crazyland. Because when I’m looking for a job, the thing I want most is to be berated by the job advertisements.

  46. Sand Script? That one had me laughing…I was going to take that in seminary but, instead, I took a course in lifestyle evangelism. I guess I don’t qualify.

    I wonder if the 6 members he mentions all have the same last name.

  47. This guy wants a puppet, not a pastor. I guess the guy and his wife and his four kids will have to keep waiting for that perfect pastor to come along. 😯

    1. Where in the post is a puppet asked for? If he’s such a control freak then why isn’t he the Pastor? After all he can just brainwash his family into believing he’s qualified. Did you ever stop to think that he doesn’t have children and that’s why he’s not the Pastor? Of course you didn’t because you know everything!!

      1. OH. My. GAWSH! A troll answered me??!! Wow, amazing. This is a total surprise. Umm, I’d like to thank my dog, Lurch for being such a cute boxer. I’d like to thank Dar-el for this site. I know I’m forgetting someone… 🙂

    1. Sounds like someone is thinking about fibbing…… why would you want to get him on the phone???? Pehapsyou should just be honest and contact him?

  50. If these people don’t believe in formal training, I suppose that any one of us could apply for the job. However, I can’t conceive of 6 people coming up with the $12,000. I wonder if these people are arrogant enough to think that this would be a full-time job? Do they assume that the pastor should be out calling 60 hours a week or so? Should we also assume that these people think that someone can live on the salary. Would they dismiss the pastor if he were to go on food stamps?

    1. I would assume you are a moron. If you want to know the details of the position then why don’t you ask the church? If you go to the website that the post is on you can read thee entire thing they’re not offering any money so i think that would sum up the rest of your questions.

      And why are you so concerned about money?

      3. Seriously, who can’t spell ‘the’? ‘Thee’ is a completely different word.

        1. Adam, Just one question for you to ponder. What did people have before 1611 that was the perfect preserved word of God? The vulgate was used for 1300 years and the same argument you use for preservation was used against Erasmus when he put the King Jimmy into existence. That whole argument for preservation seems to be rather silly. It’s philosophical not scriptural. I suggest just reading the preface to the King James. The authors knew it would need revision. Why do you believe it did not?

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