Holidays

Human Misery

97 Comments

‘Tis the season to be jolly! And I hate it. Just look at all those sinners thoughtlessly making merry with their booze and music and not even realizing that God’s wrath hangs over their head. How dare they celebrate as if they had some right to enjoy this holiday when they haven’t ever darkened the door of a bible-believing church. Those of us who have worked tirelessly to spread the gospel are the only ones who truly deserve such festivities.

Now certainly some will have an appropriate amount of melancholy as befits their lost condition but even those will be too blind to know that the answer to their “depression” lies in a trip to an old fashioned altar not the liquor store or pharmacy. But most of the heathens, and perverts, and Calvinists will be out dressed in their finery, eating, drinking and being merry. It makes me sick to think about.

I can only hope that some of them get taught a lesson before the season ends. Perhaps a few well-placed car crashes or house fires will set the proper tone as besuits these heathen’s lost condition. One can only hope that God in his infinite mercy will send such calamities to soften their hearts. What a wonderful Christmas present that would be.

But they do look merry, don’t they? They must be so deceived. Smiles and laughter fill the air. Satan is certainly at work here. They can’t really be happy. Only obedience brings happiness. Only the obedient like me should be so happy.

I wish I were.

97 thoughts on “Human Misery”

    1. You are, don’t worry. Had Christmas treats yet? You’re a glutton. Had any good Christmas drinks yet? You’re a drunkard. Bought any Christmas presents? You’re materialistic. Put up a tree? You’re pagan. Open presents? You’re greedy. And, share some time with loved ones? You don’t care about the world.

      Now, have some spiked eggnog and enjoy your holiday. 😉

      2. Thanks to Natalie for the reality check. I needed that. I might even ponder changing my name to General Heathen.

        I was so close to first. I happened to check SFL on break at work, which I rarely have a chance to do. I saw “no comments” and got excited. Then the pirated internet dropped my phone, and I’ve had to wait until this evening. Congrats to Macushlalondra.

    1. A tie?! 😈
      I used to seriously think like that about Mardi Gras when I lived an hour and a half from New Orleans, but never for Christmas. 🙄
      I used to know some IFBers that sounded just like this though. 🙄

  5. “darken the door” Twitch twitch TWITCH!!!!

    Oh, to give every fundie a good glass of wine… for starters.

    1. Alcohol can exaggerate our natural tendencies, so I’m not sure I’d want to be around “socially lubricated” fundies any more than I’d want to be around sober fundies. 😕

      That said, if something could get them to loosen up, I’d be all for it!

  6. Maybe the fundy mafia will break some heathen kneecaps with a Louisville Slugger (made in the U. S. of A. you know) and scream “EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW AND EVERY TONGUE CONFESS JESUS IS LORD” while doing it. That’s something any fundy can get behind!

    1. Now that is a form of witnessing I could get behind. Nothing say Jesus loves you like a fundie beatdown. :mrgreen:

  7. “I wish I were.” — way too honest for any real fundy to ever utter.

    To be completely honest with you, I think one of the reasons they are kept so busy with ministry responsibilities etc. is so that they won’t ever have the time to sit and reflect and realise that they aren’t happy.

    It’s very sad. There are times when I can have a lot of compassion for them.

    2. @Big Gary: “Phoster Club” is a HAC-originated ladies’ soul-winning program (both doing it, and training others to do so). Their version of soul-winning which was selling heaven by uttering the magic prayer.

      @Seen Enough: I didn’t think any HAC student was allowed not to be busy & broke.

      Thinking: Stuff Fundies Don’t Like

    3. BG, Jack Hyles, in his learned way (read heavy sarcasm) gave that name to the ladies club that wrung prayers out of people (fish) and left them flopping on the beach, wondering what the heck had just whirled through their lives… It is the Greek word for “light.” WHATEVER. The legions of the doubly-damned in the Hammond, IN area, must be countless…

    1. It was meant to be. 😉

      (I am sorry! I could not resist! I am truly glad you are happy, I am just a poor excuse for a comic.)

  9. Have you ever seen a fundy preacher drive? It’s like they’re trying to put you in the express lane to eternity!

  10. I think I actually heard this one preached with the “enjoying the pleasures of sin for a season” thing thrown in there. Message generally followed by “I Surrender All” or “Is You All on the Altar” or both. And then a Christmas offering for some pet project.

    1. Mine had those Cath-lick Mary and Jesus stamps on them! With haloes and ever-thin’!

      (Don’t blame me, tho. My hubby bought ’em!) 😈

  15. “The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.”
    – H L Mencken

    God Forgive us!

    1. Not a lot of “tidings of comfort and joy” in Fundyville? That’s so sad. Of course they don’t get “and God so loved the world. . .” either.

    2. I recently blocked a fundy family member for that reason. Didn’t unfriend him, just blocked his posts. He makes Debbie Downer look like President of the Optimist Club.

  17. I honestly think it’s because car crashes create the potential for a lot of gore. My ex-preacher really loved to detail all the gore in his car crash stories, even when it was obvious that whatever he detailed was physically impossible.

  18. I can only hope that some of them get taught a lesson before the season ends. Perhaps a few well-placed car crashes or house fires will set the proper tone as besuits these heathen’s lost condition.

    I work in hospital supply and logistics, which means I make sure the doctors and the nurses have what they need to help people. I just had to rush order some spine stabilizing implantable hardware to the pediatric trauma surgery department.

    Anyone who can gleefully condemn anyone to that experience, even and especially at this time of year, can just go far, far away from me.

  19. Ah, Fundy Christmas cheer at it’s finest. Being told “But they do look merry, don’t they? They must be so deceived. Smiles and laughter fill the air. Satan is certainly at work here. They can’t really be happy. Only obedience brings happiness. Only the obedient like me should be so happy” all my life and watching unsaved relatives’ kids turn out while our own family went to pot is what has made me start this journey out of Fundyland. (BTW, what does ‘Fundystan’ mean? I think I get all the little inside euphemisms on here except that one.)

    1. “Istan” is from Persian and it means “land” or “kingdom,” as in Afghanistan (land of Afghans), Waziristan (land of the Waziri), Kazakhstan (land of Kazakhs), etc.
      So Fundystan is the realm of Fundies (fundamentalists), as seen by themselves (although no Fundy that I know calls it Fundystan).

      1. Some of us also use the term Fundystan to parallel the oppression commonly practiced in some of those countries and in fundamentalism.

      2. Not to mention that usually countries that end in “istan” tend to be run by ruthless dictators. In Fundystan these ruthless dictators are also known as “pastor”.

  20. “Only obedience brings happiness” LIES LIES LIES! Major trigger alert. 👿 No wonder so many people stay in Fundyland until they’re well into their 20’s (like me) I was soooo frightened that I would “ruin my life” by disobeying everyone in that system that I ended up wasting/ruining those years by staying in the IFB anyway. My piles and piles of regrets come from not having the fortitude or self-belief to GET OUT! If you’re in the IFB and you’re miserable but on the fence, get out now! The quicker you do it, the quicker you can start detoxing and healing.

    1. But…but…but…what about the little song? Was it a lie, too? But the tune is so cute. I’m shattered.

    2. True that! Give yourselves the best Christmas present ever, leave and don’t look back! 😎

  21. This isn’t really related, but it made me think of the parallels my former pastor would make. Like how here in CA we’ve had more fires since they’ve shot down Prop 8. And he proceeded to say, “And we all know that fire is a type of he’ll.”
    Parallel? This. More sin = more natural disasters. Sort of like how sinners happy at Christmas should = punishment. Fundy parallels are so non sequitir.

  22. Isn’t this aspect of fundamentalism just the logical end of basic Christianity?
    You have to get them lost before you can get them saved. If it takes a physical mangling to do it, then it is better for their eternal souls to come to Jesus then for their body to be cast into hell fire…
    Not saying I agree with all this but honestly, it’s Bible…

    1. “You have to get them lost before you can get them saved” Nope, it actually doesn’t say that anywhere in the Bible. And as far as “getting people” lost or saved, we have no power whatsoever to do so. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job.

      1. OK, substitute:
        “The Holy Spirit has to get them lost (convicted) before he can get them saved. If it takes a physical mangling to do it, then it is better for their eternal souls to come to Jesus then for their body to be cast into hell fire…”
        doesn’t make it any more palatable…

        1. That’s a big ‘if’ in there. The Holy Spirit works on the inside. He might use something big, or not. (see below)

          Also, we are to do good and bless our enemies, not wish wrath upon them.

        2. While I agree that yes, sometimes it takes something like a near-death accident to get a person to come to Christ, usually, for lack of a better term, it is sort of a “last resort” thing. The person has, 99% of the time, consciously (sp?) rejected Christ in the past and the accident made them really see thier standing in life as far as where they will spend eternity if they died.
          Or, a lot of times is the just simply the natural consequences of their actions. If a person gets drunk and then tries to drive home, the chances are greatly increased that they are going to have a wreck, regardless of if they are saved or not. Now, if the person is unsaved, a wreck could help them see how bad they are fallen and how desperately they need Christ. Or not. And if the person is saved, a wreck could help them see how bad they fallen and how desperately they need Christ. or not.
          🙂

  23. Like the post – I can here the “I wish I were” in a very quiet voice at the end.

    “Today’s post courtesy of our guest writen, E. Scrooge.”

  25. I wonder where fundies get their ideas that “You must be miserable before getting saved.” I realize that a person recognizing that they are a sinner (which is the first step in salvation) isn’t a time of gleeful happiness, but it doesn’t follow that they have to be living in complete misery and depression before salvation.

    Isn’t it limiting the Gospel if you teach that only those who are currently in a miserable situation in life can accept it? Funny, because I know of at least one man in my church who was financially stable, had a family with whom he had a good relationship (happily married with children), and yet when one of his Christian friends gave him the Gospel, he still realized that he was a sinner and needed salvation. No horrific car crashes or house fires needed for him to be saved! Not to say that his life was perfect or anything, but he wasn’t living in a state of misery and woe. Does that mean that he wasn’t really saved? 🙄

    1. Most fundies/evangelicals would say he had his own misery, you just didn’t see it, like the song goes:
      “On they go through private pain, living fear to fear; laughter hides their silent cries, only Jesus hears.”

      1. I realize that unsaved people do have an uncertain future, even if they are doing well at the moment, and even if they don’t realize how uncertain it is. And living without Christ means that whatever peace they might have is dependent on their immediate circumstances. Often, its not until the earthly things that they rely on are lost that they realize it.

        It is true that many people come to know Christ after great tragedy, but wishing tragedy upon people, and then justifying it by claiming that they’re doing it out of “Christian love” and a concern for that person’s soul is just wrong. There are many that fundies need to stop blaming God for their unloving, downright cruel attitudes toward the unsaved.

  26. Happy pagan here, complete with tree topped with a Sun and Moon. And I find a trip to my old fashioned altar, complete with statue of Hera, cures a lot of depression in these dark cold days.

    2. They set the carrot just out of reach and keep going.

      1. I have fundy childhood friends whose parents did that to them. Now, years later, they are so afraid to fail, they cannot even live a normal life.

  28. This post for some reason reminds me of a couple Christmases in a row when I would send out tracts with the cards. After a few years of her patience I lost a friend that way. 🙁

  29. Well we would be kicked out of the church – we got first prize in our village Christmas decorating contest, and it was my 10 year old who planned it all.

  30. Strangely warmed: LOVE this!! Kids are the best, especially before they become teens!
    Just for the record: you may be able to take the man out of the fundy church but you cannot take the fundy out of the man!

  31. I’ve seen your site a few times and I think we all knew it was just a ruse and that eventually the truth would come out. You picked an odd topic to be your cover: dissing fundamentalists. That’s fine. They do have some odd beliefs. But I really think you’d actually get respect if you would have enough courage to just state your true agenda and your true cultish beliefs instead of trying to couch your motives in a humorous, folksy sort of way. Just have enough courage to say that your motive is to worship at the feet of John Calvin and espouse his beliefs instead of trying to gently lure us into it. This whole “anti-fundamentalist” stuff is just a ruse and you probably couldn’t care less about it because your true motivating surge in life is to have us all buy into your Calvinistic beliefs. I’d like to encourage you to have a little backbone and just be up front with us. You’d actually get more respect for actually having the courage to stand for what you belief in instead of trying to ease your way into it like some huckster used car salseman.

    1. I call Poe’s Law. Starla, I have no idea whether you’re joking or serious. My reaction is either “kind of funny satire” and “seriously, what?”

    2. I dunno, Naomi; she sounds like a fundy, or writes like one. Doesn’t understand hyphenation. They are generally pretty sad at composition. They are often raging Armenians. They think it is important to fight over that.

    3. Please read more past posts. Many of us are not Calvinists, (and aren’t scared of them or anti either) and still are happy to have left our fundy pasts. Please read scripture with a prayer for God to show you truth, and be cautious of making anything extra-biblical to be truth for all. Don’t confuse following the fundamentals of Scripture with current fundamentalism, either. They are different, and very few fundies truly follow The Fundamentals well.

      If I have been Poe’d, it’s because I have spent the afternoon wrapping gifts. Monotony always leaves me a bit open to mindless suggestion and ready for an argument. Hmmmmmm–that explains my years of listening to the same sermons and following blindly.

    6. That’s funny Starla, because I wasn’t Calvinist before I started reading this blog, and I’m not any closer to being one now. So much for that logic…

      Gotta love conspiracy theorists! Clearly the humor on this blog is just a cover for Darrell’s efforts to start his own cult! I wonder what sorts of things the Darrell Cult would do… 😛 😆

      1. Were you offended that I’m not a raging feminist and just used my name of Starla instead of some politically correct hyphenation such as Starla Searles-Anders?

        Nice constituency, Daryl. They are awash in mockery of Christianity and much falderal, with a spattering of funny truths thrown in at times to give the site an air of legitimacy. In spite of all that, their biggest concern is that I’m not a manly woman or butch enough to use some hyphenated name. Simply stunning. Words can’t even express the vacuousness.

        If anyone had actually bothered to read the post, you probably would have noticed the jab at those who don’t bow down to Calvin. I realize that not every reader on here is a kool-aid-drinking Calvinist, but the site leans heavily in that direction.

  32. Self-righteousness is sickening… but even though I’m not a “Fundy”, I still believe that the “answer to their “depression” lies in a trip to an old fashioned altar [as it were] not the liquor store or pharmacy.” If you’re a Christian, that’s what you believe everyone needs. Not sure I understand how your coming across? 😕

    1. Ok, I’ll bite. I guess it’s the insistence upon the “old fashioned alter” that gets people annoyed. Last I checked, God can save someone any place, at any time, even over the phone *gasp!*. Yet there are many that constantly harp on the “ooooolllldddd fashion-ed altar.”

      Even my pastor, who, if I named him, many of you would be tempted to flame for being a “big name Fundy” has told the story of his father’s salvation several times, and he has said that his dad was saved before he got to “the altar.”

      1. I heard my former fundy “big name/very small pond” pastor question the heart of members who had not made the journey to the old fashioned altar in a long time. He thought it took a hard heart to not come forward to publicly pray during the invitation at some minimum interval.

        sfl: judging the heart of members by how often they publicly pray at the altar.

        1. This is the A-Number-One reason I refuse to go o an altar. While I can accept that the act of doing this very public gesture may cement something in the heart and mind for some, or at least, they believe it will, I got so sick and tired of fundy-man, up front, insisting that those who DON’T are stubborn of heart. No one but the Lord knows my heart, and when going to an altar became something I considered, simply to be sure the pastor did not consider me hard-hearted, I swore it off forever. I feel precisely the same way about tithing. If I am giving money, to make sure everyone knows I am “on board,” it is time to jump ship.
          Jack Hyles, with his egregious sermon entitled “Duty,” perpetuated the idea that your heart condition is not what counts, it is your performance that counts. So, put that check into the offering plate with bitterness in your heart about giving, but PUT IT IN. Go “soulwinning” with reluctance for the task and no love for the lost, but wring a prayer out of them anyway. IOW, do all the things that enable the managawd to check your performance level. 👿

    2. Ok, I’ll bite… where’s the altar in New Testament Churches again? Surely you’re not suggesting that one go down to the front of the church and bow at the feet of the pastor are you?

      So where is this mythical “Old Fashioned Altar?” Enquiring minds want to know. 🙄

      1. You guys are kida missing what I’m trying to say. I don’t mean a real, physical altar– which is why I said “as it were.” Read it this way:

        ” ‘Self-righteousness is sickening… but even though I’m not a “Fundy”, I still believe that the “answer to their “depression” lies in salvation, not the liquor store or pharmacy.” If you’re a Christian, that’s what you believe everyone needs. Not sure I understand how your coming across? 😕 ‘ ”

        Please understand, I’m not trying to be argumentative. Happy CHRISTmas!!

  33. When I was still a believer, I was also convinced that all of those people that went out drinking were all secretly hurting somehow, and that they weren’t really happy. When my church in Savannah, Georgia would do street ministry, we all thought that people were trying to fill a void in their lives with alcohol, a hole that only Jesus could really fill.

    Now I can’t believe I ever thought that was true. Regular people go out and have a good time to be social and talk with friends. The people on River Street weren’t looking for Jesus, and just wanted to have a nice dinner with some adult beverages, and some time spent with friends. They weren’t looking to have pushy pentecostals hand them tracts, or to be witnessed to.

    All along, I was the one who had to convince myself that I was truly happy, yet as a Christian I almost never was.

    1. “All along, I was the one who had to convince myself that I was truly happy, yet as a Christian I almost never was.”
      So powerful, and so true of so many of us who have gotten out from under!

    2. “I was the one who had to convince myself that I was truly happy, yet as a Christian I almost never was.”

      In love, I must say if you were unhappy while you were a Christian, is was not BECAUSE you were a Christian. If that is what you were communicating, my bad! 🙂

      Are you still a Christian?

      1. Nope, I’m not a Christian anymore. Overall, I’m much happier, much less conflicted, and much less stressed. Since most of the things that made me unhappy had to do with the basic requirements of Christianity (not even including all the crap that the fundamentalists and the pentecostals pile onto it) and the Bible itself, then I would indeed say that yes, I was unhappy because I was a Christian.

        In the more than twenty years in which I followed Christ and tried to get closer to God, I never once found comfort, never once found more than fleeting joy, which even then was always based on circumstances and emotional manipulation (a good worship service, an energetic speaker, an interesting location), and not on some “gift” given by God.

        And please, before you say it, don’t tell me that if only I had gone to the right church, or been in the right denomination, or had the right pastors to tell me the right things about God, or if I had just read the Bible all the way through one more time, or that if I had just read the right books by the right Christian authors that would have explained it all to me the right way that I would have understood what Christianity is really about and I could have been happy. I’ve had enough time to hear all of the apologetics and the excuses for why Christianity doesn’t live up to what it says it should be, and I couldn’t find evidence that any of it is true, so I’ve moved on from the faith.

        2. I am with you on this one. Christianity is the fast road to insanity for me. It is so fraught with anxiety, judgement and abuse that I am quite sure that I would kill myself if I ever went back.

  34. You knw, I have always had a morbid fear of people I love dying in car crashes, but it wasn’t until I read this that I remembered why. The weird thing is that I was in a life threatening car crash. My fundy friends acted funny about it. I didn’t realize that they were believing It was a shot over the bow from God. But I think that why they pick car wrecks for God’s thread is that it is utterly capricious and therefore could happen to anyone at any time. What I have always hated was that in the fundy world, God holds our loved ones hostage. If we are rebellious, God could kill our kids or spouse just to get our attention. It makes people pawns that God doesn’t hesitate to sacrifice for a knight.

  35. TP, Jesus said, “Him that cometh to me, I will IN NO WISE cast out.” You say, “In the more than twenty years in which I followed Christ and tried to get closer to God, I never once found comfort, never once found more than fleeting joy…” Either Jesus DID cast you out (which would make Him a liar), or you never really came to Him (you were a false convert). Did you ever REPENT of your sins? Did you ever confess them to God? Did you ever get the inward witness of God’s Holy Spirit telling you, “You are MY child”? Romans 8:16 says, “The Spirit itself BEARETH WITNESS with our spirit, that we are the children of God”. Either that’s true, or that’s a lie. Either that happened to you or it didn’t. From what you said, it is obvious that you never had that. So yes, religion was a real DUD in your life. I plead with you in the name of God to try JESUS this time. All you ever had before was religion (and I hate religion too). You don’t have to be a fundie to believe this. I never have been, am not, and never will be a fundie. I think they’re very unBiblical. This is just what the Bible says. So please, get the real thing, and you will never have to fake joy and a walk with God again. It will be your REALITY!

    I’m praying for you.

    Caps for emphasis only, no shouting intended.

  36. What IS the Spirit bearing witness with our spirit? How would you recognize it when it happened? Could you convince yourself it was if it wasn’t? Or vice versa. How would you know God’s voice when you hear it and differentiate it from your own voice speaking what you think God has to say? This has always confused me. ❓

    1. “What IS the Spirit bearing witness with our spirit?”

      “The Spirit bearing witness with our spirit” is when He Himself CONVINCES you WITHOUT A DOUBT that you are a child of God.

      “How would you recognize it when it happened?”

      Because it is totally different from anything your heart ever convinced you of (vs. GOD speaking to your heart), and you have NO doubt about it when it happens to you.

      “Could you convince yourself it was if it wasn’t? Or vice versa.”

      If you are not really walking with Christ and/or seeking Him with your whole heart. Tragically, fallen man can convince himself of anything. Don’t worry though, if you are sincerely seeking God, HE WILL NOT ALLOW that to happen to you. If you doubt that, you are not believing that God is good– so why seek Him anyway until you are sure you are seeking a GOOD God who loves you? Remember the promise of Jesus, “Him that cometh to Me, I will in NO WISE cast out”!

      “How would you know God’s voice when you hear it and differentiate it from your own voice speaking what you think God has to say?”

      Because the Voice of God is totally different than your own heart’s leanings. Has the Voice of God ever really spoken to you, where you KNEW it was God? If so, you know what I mean by this point. If that has never happened to you ONE time, then you are not a child of God, Because that is necessary for the witness of the Spirit.

      If you never have had the witness of the Spirit telling you you are a child of His, you need to get alone with God, confess all your sins to Him, and seek Him with all your heart UNTIL He visits you with the inward witness of the Spirit. Don’t stop until you get it!!

      I’m praying for you!

  37. With all respect to the great 😎 Shel Silverstien:
    (quoting from memory, so it’s a bit sketchy)
    Have you heard of The Great Land of Happy
    Where everyone is just happy all day?
    Where life’s one big happy song
    Where they all sing along
    And the sun never will go away!
    Come with me to The Bright Land of Happy!
    There’s nothing whatever to do!
    There’s nothing and no one who worries
    Or shows any intelligence too!
    There’s just dancing and singing in Happy
    And fun games in where everyone wins!
    Every meal is cookies and ice cream
    In The Wonderful Land of Happy!
    Oh, they all joke and sing
    Of the happiest things,
    And everything’s jolly and gay!
    There’s no one ever unhappy in Happy!
    There’s laughter and smiles galore!

    I have been to The Great Land of Happy!
    What a bore.

    1. Hey, send me a message and let me know which posts specifically. I think I’m missing part of the story here.

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