Standards

Reality Confusion Redux: Inanimate Evil

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Fundamentalism is rife with strange superstitions concerning the ability of mere things to somehow hold mystical powers of evil. If you want to freak out a fundy, invite them over to your house and then ask them to help you organize the cupboard where you store your wine and Ouija boards. For to a fundamentalist that isn’t just some fermented grapes and silly writing on a cardboard box. No, indeed these things actually are themselves evil.

It’s as if the concept of “sin” has somehow turned into a dark mysterious force that infects everything it touches. And in a moment of weakness if an unsuspecting person should allow a picture of Santa Claus to hang on a door or a statue of Buddha to sit on a shelf or an NIV to lay on their coffee table, that object is, in fact, a doorway from which the very powers of hell can gain access to your life.

By way of illustration, I was once told by an elderly lady that the pastor of her church got up in the pulpit and railed against unicorns as a symbol of the New Age Movement and a likely symbol of the occult. After this very biblical and Christ-honoring sermon (one can only imagine that the text was Deuteronomy 33:17) this elderly woman’s daughter came to her mother’s house and broke the horn off the unicorn statue that the daughter had given her mom as a present some months earlier.

With the satanic protrusion removed, we are left to believe that the evil the unicorn contained all seeped out of the hole where the horn had once been and (lacking a proof text for the satanic nature of horses with holes between their ears) she did not do any further violence to the statue. Her mother’s good nature, however, was left much worse for the wear than the figurine was. And what did this accomplish? A little glass was shattered. A heart was broken. And evil remained unchanged for it stayed right where it always has lived in the heart of a person driven by fear and ignorance.

Now we all know that an idol is nothing. But carve that idol out and fill it with alcohol or stick a peace sign on it or tell someone that it’s a talisman from an African witchdoctor and apparently nothing turns into something pretty quickly. Reality is a funny thing in fundyland.

236 thoughts on “Reality Confusion Redux: Inanimate Evil”

  2. Our neighbor burned her original Cabbage Patch DollS(!) because, you know, it was RUMORED they were Satanic. I wonder what 20+ years of perspective would bring concerning her decision?

    1. That’s nothin’. One of my classmates at (sorta) Fundy U once barged into a meeting of the student senate and enjoined us all to pray over every object in the room, for God had just supernaturally revealed to him that demons were afoot.

      Sad thing was, we immediately recessed and did what he said.

    2. The cabbage patch dolls weren’t rumored to be satanic, they actually were little demons, doncha know? I had an otherwise seemingly intelligent woman in choir with me at church in the 80s who informed me her 18 month old daughter nearly starved herself to death. They saw doctors, specialists, tried everything to no avail. Then they went to a seminar conducted by Bill Gothard and learned how satanic the folks were. When they got home, they pulled out the birth certificate that came with the doll and did some research on the name. To their horror, they discovered that it was the name of a goddess of starvation or hunger or something similar and that is what was influencing this little toddler to starve herself. Once they threw the doll away, the girl began eating again and started gaining weight. 🙄 I really wish I was making this up!

      1. Back in the day, I would have believed her. I never bought my daughter Cabbage Patch Dolls because I thought they were kind of ugly, but if I had I would have gotten rid of those too. I never could tell a made up story until I got out of fundamentalism. I just assumed all that stuff was real. I mean, WHY lie?

      3. John Hagee claims two sick boys got well once a copy of “Harry Potter” was removed from their home.
        I am sure if I could rack my brain I could remember other events like this. This is the 21st century and people still believe in magic objects.
        🙁

      4. How does a goddess, of any kind, have a birth date that can be verified and that conforms to the Christian calendar?

      5. I heard that exact same story (about the doll’s name starving someone) but it was about an older kid.

      6. Wow- I had no idea Cabbage Patch dolls were satanic! That would explain a lot though. I had one when I was a kid… My dog chewed her face off, and then the dog died… fifteen years later.

        Hmm.

    3. The original Cabbage Patch Kids (Coleco didn’t want you to call them “dolls”) must have had some kind of suprenatural power. I remember (circa 1983) when people were lining up for blocks, and fighting each other in stores, to get them. Despite the fact that they were exceedingly ugly and fabulously overpriced dolls.

      1. Your biting satire of course reveals an undeniable truth, that is, to the fundie, the more popular the trend,the more satanic it is. Whether the Beatles or Cabbage Patch dolls, professional jealousy is what fuels the fundie leadership and they pass that onto the followers by turning their vanity into a crusade for God’s place in people’s “hearts.” The trick is to remember that whenever a fundy says “God,” you simply replace it with “I”. Once you get in that habit, you’ll be just fine on your life’s journey.

        3. I hope Charlie is okay. Can his cds be backmasked?

          And where did Frank Garlock buy his cool reversible phonograph?

      2. +10 for “acohol backmasking.”

        Maybe those bottles were specially produced for use in Black Masses.

        2. Thanks, Scorpio.

          We’re not at war. I’m just separating from all of the under-rollers to keep my testimony pure.

  4. I threw out all my unicorn stickers and destroyed my J.R.R. Tolkien books. No lie. This was as much a result of the influence of Pentecostals/charismatics in my life as anything else.

  5. Haha yeah. Our pastor preached against evolution and said even if you read Darwin’s book to know how to refute it, you’re sinning. So naturally, my brother (now agnostic, funny enough) comes home and takes scissors to the origin of the species. I won’t even go into all those classic disney VHS tapes 😥

    1. Oh, yes, it is far wiser to criticize a theory (or really the whole foundation of modern biology) when you don’t know anything about it, isn’t it?

      1. Big Gary the Big Monkey Man, what is your obsession with the unproven and illogical theory of evolution? If you would look at this site carefully, you might notice that it deals with Christianity in general, but IFB specifically. I just want you to catch up with the rest of us so you can enjoy the conversation and actually “get” what the board is about. ALL Christians rightly reject evolution; it’s not really an IFB topic specifically. You might enjoy this board more if you stayed on topic and actually engaged more directly and cogently with the converasations. Just trying to help you out. 😀

        1. All Christians reject evolution? Um.. .no.

          Of course, it depends on how you define “Christian.” If you mean “believers in Christ,” then many Christians have no problem with evolution. If you mean “everybody who thinks like me,” then you must be right.

    2. Oh. I read the Koran so that I could understand where Muslims were coming from. Actually I own two, since you can get them for free on the internet.

      I guess I’m in big trouble.

  7. I remember doing this. After I left, I moved on to buying wine only in stores far from where anyone I knew might “catch” me out. Now, I walk into the nearest store, pick up what I want, and boldly walk out with it in one of their bags. I guess I’m hopelessly incorrigible at this point.
    :mrgreen:

    1. Not too long ago I was going to make some punch for a party I was having and one ingredient was very hard to find. I asked around and was told that they would have it at BevMo (which is a huge store that sells all sorts of beverages, but mostly alcohol.) I finally geared myself up to go in there and look for it, and the whole time I was in there I was SO self-conscious and nervous. By the time I left I was shaking and sweaty. (I am sure the people in there probably thought I was suffering from withdrawel or something.) Ahhh the baggage we carry.

    3. Sometimes the parental visits get rough. So when I visit them, on my way back to the hotel, I stop at the first liquor store I find, and get some goodies. I don’t care who sees me. If they were minding their business, as I mind mine, they wouldn’t have been upset, now would they?

  8. I have an amusing story concerning a ouiji board. We didn’t grow up fundy, we grew up in a church that didn’t preach the evils of all these things. So we had a ouiji board in the house and one day when I was 10 my brother and cousin (11 and 12) were playing with the ouiji board. They asked it how old I would be when I died. It said 10. Here I was already 10 so that meant I would die before my next birthday. 🙁 That was several months away and during those months I worried about it til I had my 11th birthday and breathed a sigh of relief. Since then I’ve sort of thought they just didn’t go far enough, obviously there was another number on the end of that and I was going to live to be past 100. LOL! :mrgreen:

  12. This was hilarious. I will have to look for a prooftext about “holey” horses.
    Thanks for a well-written article. I laughed out loud several times while reading it.

    I grew up thinking like this. That you cannot allow certain objects into you house because they will bring evil with them. The most obvious one being music of course.

    We were admonished to not go down the alcohol aisle at the grocery store. Preferably we should shop at stores that didn’t sell it.

    I know that my parents won’t eat at a restaurant that sells alcohol.

    1. I wasn’t allowed to work in a restaurant that “served drink.” That pretty much ruled out all restaurants . . .

  13. I just realized I still have a very long way to go… I even got a little nervous just looking at that picture.

    1. I’ve never liked walking down the liquor aisle at the store, even if the Pringles ARE on other side of the aisle. I always thought it was for my testimony, that I wouldn’t want anyone to see me near the alcohol in case they thought I was buying it, but I must admit to being uncomfortable around the bottles themselves, which is silly. I feel stupid right now.

      1. Would Jesus care about walking down the liquor Aisle. Or would he go around changing all the wine into water? or welch’s grape juice?

        2. I see Jesus taste testing a few bottles and saying “Meh, I can do better.”

          AWESOME. 😀 😀 😀

      2. I think my weirdness about alcohol (even looking at it) is more from my alcoholic dad than my fundy mom. But you gotta admit, the dynamics there were enough to screw me up for life.

        1. Thanks, Sims. This was what I wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how in so many words. Alcoholism gallops through my family. I can have a frou frou mixed drink here or there (maybe once or twice a year, tops), but I can’t stand being around drunk people or people who smell strongly of alcohol. It’s borderline phobic.

      3. Ah yes! Your TESTIMONY! If someone sees you in the alcohol aisle they won’t get saved, or if they already are saved, they’re going to think drinking is okay because you’re condoning alcohol by being within a foot or two of it! God help us all. I love this site, and I love the blog today. It so resonates with my former life! 😀

  14. Is it bad that at first glance without reading anything I saw the frosty tinted bottles and thought it was a picture of the shampoo aisle?

      1. “Body on Tap” was trying to capitalize on the fact that some people were washing their hair, or maybe rinsing it, with beer. I don’t remember why people did that. Another favorite was rubbing a raw egg into your hair, and then washing it out. Maybe people thought their hair was hungry and thirsty?

        1. Uh, I used to get the catalogs for that store and let’s just say they seem to have expanded their merchandise selection. I clicked on sexual wellness from the shampoo page out of curiosity… 😯 country stores aint what they used to be, cough, cough….

        2. I had to check out “sexual wellness” because you mentioned it. I was expecting things like K-Y jelly. All I can say is my goodness! 😆

        3. I’m sorry my post caused you to sin Beth D. I guess I blew my testimony by clicking on that link. I was actually expecting vitamins or something… 😳

        4. Nah. You didn’t blow your testimony. That’s a fundy lie. Sure a long way from vitamins, though, weren’t they?

        6. But you know what, I just had a thought-I just did the exact thing this post is about and implied evil or shame to the objects in question! Why I’m sure they are delightful when used properly! 😀 😎 😀

  15. Why does this post remind me of The Brady Bunch episode when they were in Hawaii and one of the kids (Peter perhaps) found the wooden skull and it brought them nothing but problems.

      1. After consulting the experts (thank you wikipedia 😉 ) it was a wooden tiki. And yes, it was a pendant.

        2. Bobby found it. Greg had the surfing accident while he was wearing it. Then Peter had a big spider on him at night when he wore it to bed. So the boys throw it away but Jan finds it and returns it. Then the boys go to put it back where they found it only to be kidnapped by an Indiana Jones type who thought they were trying to steal his fame.

          Sorry for the spoiler for anyone who hasn’t caught up on their Brady Bunch viewing. 😆

        3. Thanks Scorpio…that was a treat to walk down memory lane! You didn’t spoil anything for me, though, I’m working through all 5 seasons of the A-Team on Hulu so I don’t have time to catch up with The Brady Bunch.

    2. I once had a fundie claim “The Brady Bunch” promoted incest. I asked what about Abraham & Sarah. He said incest was okay until god gave the law to Moses. Can you imagine someone being engaged to his sister and suddenly Moses comes down the mountain. “Darn, I already picked a day, a caterer and we reserved a nice tent that is booked for the next three years!”

      1. ‘I once had a fundie claim “The Brady Bunch” promoted incest.’

        I guess I missed that episode.

      2. I will never forget hearing a sermon about how the Brady Bunch was bad for Christians to watch. This was based on the show where Marsha befriends a wall flower type girl who is “ugly” and friendless. Marsha gives her a makeover and turns her beautiful and as a result she gets lots of friends and eventually is up for homecoming queen or something like that. Anyway, the problem the pastor had with this is because in making the girl beautiful and popular, she cut the girls long hair and made it much shorter and had her quit wearing long to the floor dresses (which was the style back then) and got her to start wearing mini skirts. 🙄 Marsha always was such a hussy1 :mrgreen:

    3. And the point was that people were interpreting their circumstances as good luck or bad luck depending on whether they thought the tiki carried a blessing or a curse, and the whole thing was just confirmation bias? lol

  18. My ex-husband was horrified — and I mean that in the real sense of the word, he reeled back in horror — when I told him we had a ouija board growing up. I rarely messed with it and never thought it was anything other than a really really boring board game. He also threw out my cooking sherry.

    I now have a talisman of my own that keeps my ex at bay: a glass-fronted liquor cabinet.

    1. “I now have a talisman of my own that keeps my ex at bay: a glass-fronted liquor cabinet.”

      It’s like kryptonite to a fundy.

    3. I think the bottles are so pretty. If I drank, I think I would also become a hoarder and only buy liquor in pretty bottles and save them all. Wow. I am just now realizing how screwed up I still am.

      1. One of our friends was taken aback by the extent of our stock, but I told him it’s not what’s in a person’s cabinet that’s telling, but rather what the recycling bin looks like on Monday morning. We don’t drink that much, I just like having the capability on hand to serve whatever someone wants.

  19. This is why fundies can say “But Dr., Pastor, Preacher So & So (insert favorite fallen fundy leader) was such a GOOD man, with a BLESSED ministry. He would NEVER do that.” As long as the evil is without, and you avoid the whatever, you are good. Literally.

    1. I’m amazed how they never see how unBiblical it is to think sin is OUT THERE and that if they can just stay separate from it, they’ll be OK. (This is why I was eager to teach “Lord of the Flies” in my Christian school English class: the boys thought evil was the scary thing out there in the darkness in the jungle, but their actions proved that the evil was in themselves.)

      1. Nicely done PW. I’ve just taken it one step further: Evil is not resident in ourselves, but the capacity for evil is (in everyone).

  20. Last Christmas, I joked to mom about wanting to make a rum cake for the big dinner. She started talking about how she saw rum up near the entrance at Walmart, and how she hated having to walk by it. Then she said that Walmart and grocery stores shouldn’t be able to sell alcohol, and it should only be sold in liquor stores. I decided that I had something else that needed to be done right then, and ended that conversation. I still don’t know if she knows that my wife and I drink. I won’t bring it up if I don’t have to, I guess.

    Anyway, she believes it is inherently evil, because of all the people she works with who brag about their drinking binges. She really hasn’t ever been around people who only drink moderately. It took me personally being around people who could enjoy A beer, or A glass of wine to realize that it wasn’t a bad thing. Not all the horror stories are true.

    1. Your mom should move to Pennsylvania, because they only sell alcohol in state-run stores. A friend from there marveled at the alcohol aisle at Wal-Mart here.

        2. I think more states used to operate all in-state liquor stores. Most states have deregulated to some extent over time. SC still requires all spirits to be sold in stand-alone liquor stores, but beer and wine can be sold about anywhere. Also, SC had not allowed Sunday alcohol sales until just a few years ago. It is now up to the city or county to decide.

        3. Ick. I recently moved to SC from CA. This part of SC is so paranoid about alcohol that instead of saying liquor store they just have big red dots. When I first got here, I thought it was because people were illiterate. And, I couldn’t get a beer at Applebee’s on a Sunday. 🙁

        4. I became deeply, personally offended to find the liquor store (one in Greenville,SC) closed on Christmas. Who closes the liquor store on Christmas? Isn’t that the day you need it most, after all that family togetherness?

      2. I was recently in Mississippi visiting friends and walked into a liquor store to find a case of beer. They didn’t sell beer there – some law about liquor stores not being able to sell malt beverages. I had to go next door to the grocery store for beer.

  21. Does anyone else catch this tragic double standard?

    Satanic/Demonic influence is powerful. It is everywhere and can get a hold of you when you least expect it.

    The Holy Spirit is weak and feeble. He needs our help to even have a chance to be effective. That’s why we need to scream when we preach.

    🙁

    2. This is the plot of every religious-themed horror movie. If we don’t rescue (insert religious item here) from the bad guy, all hell will literally break loose.

      Who knew that we in our former IFB lives were living in a horror movie? Oh, wait. 😐

  22. I have a friend who thought her daughters nightmares were from having DVDs of movies (on the shelf) in her house. Her daughter had never watched the movies, but just them being there carried “sinful reprocussions.”

    1. Her daughter has an eviable talent if she can watch movies just by looking at the laser disks, without putting them in a player.

  23. I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine. He was in seminary. I drank openly, but he was having a hard time with it. I told him that he should shop at liquor stores instead of grocery stores. Why? Because if you are at a liquor store anyone who sees you there is obviously also at a liquor store. How could anyone be offended that you are there if they are there. He actually liked that idea.

    Anyway yeah I remember this line of logic. Item x is evil because xy&z. I think it was really big in the 80’s, now with google you can only dupe the really uninitiated.

    1. The only time Baptists don’t recognize each other is when they are in a liquor store.

      Where there are four Episcopalians gathered, there’s always a fifth.

      1. 😆 Why you always have 2 baptist in your hunting party? Because if there’s just 1, he’ll drink all your beer.

  25. “Now we all know that an idol is nothing.”

    It is amazing how much people attach the physical with the spiritual. So much fear…… of nothing. Twilight Zone time. Rod Serling wrote a lot about this topic.

  26. My mom and grandma were pretty horrified when I told them that, unfortunately, beer bread won’t work unless you USE BEER like the recipe calls for. LOL

    1. They would be even more horrified if they knew that all yeast-risen bread contains alcohol, because aclohol is a waste product of yeast (the other main waste product, carbon dioxide, is what maked the bread rise).
      Almost all the alcohol cooks out, so that it’s impossibe to get drunk by eating baked bread (and pretty darn hard to get drunk by eating raw dough, come to think of it), but nonetheless alcohol is produced in the process, so if you’re afraid of alcohol’s mystical power to make you sin, maybe you should also avoid bread and pastries.

  28. I understand the point that is being made: inanimate objects are nothing to be afraid of. However, I’m not going to knowingly bring occult objects into my house. There’s a big leap between alcohol and the occult.

    1. But the standards for declaring something ‘occult’ ought to be really high, not just “what my friend/pastor/mom said’.

      I have a bunch of D&D books and dice, whih aren’t occult at all. (The dice have more to do with math than the occult.)

      I have a bunch of academic books from Penn State University Press, about the history of magic. Those might be a bit occult, but they aren’t written from a credulous point of view that the magic ever worked. It’s more about what people believed would work.

      Most “occult” stuff is just posing and fakery.

      1. “Most “occult” stuff is just posing and fakery.”

        99.99% of it, if not every last bit. We tend to label things occult that we don’t understand, but it’s usually just some old guy flipping levers and spinning dials behind that curtain, not the Great and Powerful Oz.

      2. Wow, D&D not occult? I was taught to fear that evil role-playing game with my life! It was the most satanic game out there and anyone who played it could not possibly be saved!

        1. The “D&D is the gateway to satanism and witchcraft” fallacy was one of the last things for me to shake from my fundy and Gothard-influenced upbringing. Man, was I ever missing out!

        2. I was taught to fear D&D when I was a kid. I think that is probably what drew me to it. I played it, and guess what? It’s just a game. It has more to do with Monopoly and Tolkien than Aleister Crowley.

        3. When I was a kid, my parents forbid me from playing D&D with my neighbor friend. 30 years later, he committed suicide, and I’m still alive. Coincidence? I think not!

    2. “Occult objects” (whatever your own definition of that term is) have no power to harm you. Like any other object (a stone, a shaker of salt, a sponge, etc.), it’s what you do with the object that can create benefit or harm. I have several objects in my house that some people would consider to be magic. But I don’t see any magic power in them, and so far nothing has proved me wrong.

      The exact same principle applies to alcohol (or heroin, for that matter): In the bottle (or other package), it can do no harm. Only what you do with it has the potential to hurt you or others.

    3. I agree with both of you! Rebel?, I don’t want occult items in my home either, not really because I’m afraid they’d become a portal for demons to enter my home, but more because of what they symbolize.

      But Jon H has an excellent point: not everything that people CLAIM is occult really is.

      1. We have the Tolkien books and movies, Narnia stuff, etc. When I’m referring to “occult items”, I’m talking about Ouija boards, items used in rituals, etc. The paper, cardboard, and wood that they are made of won’t hurt me or my children. They have no moral value. BUT I have witnessed enough mild spiritual warfare to know that it’s real and that I don’t want to pretend it’s all child’s play, although so much of the “occult” IS a hoax. We choose to avoid that stuff without promoting fear….now if only the mild fundies in our life would stop telling my kids that Halloween is a time to fear the dark side. 👿 God is way stronger than darkness!

        1. Sounds like a reasonable approach. Same reason I don’t care to have KKK, Nazi, or similar hate group memorabilia in my house – I don’t fear the inanimate objects, but I don’t approve what they symbolize.

        2. The Narnia stuff is actually OK among the Anglo-Catholics. It is considered Christian allegory, and Aslan is a symbol for Christ. You want to talk about superstitions? My wife is from the Philippines and our landlady over there was so worried about gnomes living in the brush surrounding the house that she killed a chicken to appease them.

  29. Lol even this photo violates what we were taught in my Fundy circles! 🙄 They usually took the verse in Proverbs where it says “Look not upon the wine…” so we weren’t even allowed to LOOK at those aisles or those hilarious SuperBowl beer commercials!! :mrgreen:

    1. If, when driving, you closed your eyes or turned your head whenever there was a billboard advertising alcoholic drinks nearby, you were a menace to the public safety.

        1. Lol I remember one of the big beer companies bottled thousands of pallets of water for Hurricane Katrina relief efforts. I know for sure they had their company logo printed on the bottles. I bet those IFBs had a time figuring out what they were going to do…drink or dehydrate? :mrgreen:

        2. If I remember correctly, at least one Fundy relief group flat refused to hand out the bottled water with the beer logo. What there is to say about that is not for polite discussion.

        3. Seriously. “I’m going to let you go hungry because I don’t like the brand name on the water bottles.”
          Nothing you can say about that position would be printable.

  31. I can remember the days of avoiding the liquor aisle in the grocery store and my sisters and I being told to turn our heads away. My parents also believed in the P&G evil trademark and discarded all P&G products. Ironically, I grew up in a home filled with mental illness and violence, but by God, there was no liquor or P&G products!

    2. I totally remember judging any product with the evil crescent moon and stars of the Proctor and Gamble logo. I also remember that Estee Lauder (I think it was her – please tell me if it wasn’t!) products were supposed to be avoided because she was a satan worshipper!

      2. There was a woman designer in the 70’s who reportedly said that we want women to wear short skirts to say to the world we are ready for sex any time anywhere or something like that (who was also a communist if I recall.) I once bought a little container of *her* lip gloss (it had her name on it.) You would have thought my parents had found me in bed with the entire football team. I wish I could remember her name. I think that would have made this comment so much better. She was famous wayyy back when I was in high school though, most of you guys probalby never heard of her anyway. 😉

        1. I’ve heard a claim that that’s what wearing any skirt (as opposed to trousers) symbolizes: “My lady parts are open to the air and available to you.”

        2. Mary Quant. Her heyday as a designer was probably over before I was born, but I’ve heard that little anecdote countless times from the pulpit.

      3. We didn’t buy Liz Claiborne clothes and acccessories because she donated money to the church of satan. I was going to say “allegedly” donated but if someone told someone who told someone who told my mom who told me, there’s nothing alleged about that, amen? We better avoid anything Claiborne.

  32. Q: Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

    A: Because if you take just one, he’ll drink all your beer.

    What’s the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist? The Methodist will tell you “howdy” when he sees you in the liquor store.

    And this one, unrelated:

    How do you know that Adam was a Baptist?

    Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

  33. I left some CDs at a friend’s house once (whose dad was my pastor) and when I asked about them he said his dad had destroyed them. If you wondering, one I know was GNR’s Use Your Illusion I. I was really bummed about that.

    2. I can relate. I took some awesome photos of groups like Led Zeppelin, The Who, Journey, Grateful Dead (to name a few) when I was a kid who went to lots of concerts in the late 70s. Of course that was BEFORE our family became fightin’ fundies. Sadly, I swallowed the idea that they were of the devil (it was easy to do, after hearing all those rants against rock music!), so I threw them all out. Luckily thanks to facebook, I found an old friend who had copies of the Led Zep pics (the ones I missed the most in fact) and shared them with me. So once again, my home is infected with Satan – ooooo. 😈

  34. ‘I once had a fundie claim “The Brady Bunch” promoted incest.’

    I guess I missed that episode.

  35. Interesting post, Darrell. My mother’s family were weekend party heavy people. She was subject to her father’s drunk anger. We grew up without alchol. Two of my sisters do drink. Hubby and I decided a long time ago not to do wine/alchol. I am no longer judgemental about what others do. The Bible clearly says “do not be drunk”, doesn’t say anything about not drinking. “A little wine for your stomach’s sake”. I doubt a little wine in the communion cup would bring anyone over the edge, unlike chocolate!

  36. Now we all know that an idol is nothing. But carve that idol out and fill it with alcohol or stick a peace sign on it or tell someone that it’s a talisman from an African witchdoctor and apparently nothing turns into something pretty quickly.

    Brilliantly put. Fundamentalism is often less Christian than animistic. Great post.

  37. The mention of unicorns reminds me, I wonder what fundies would think about the My Little Pony phenomenon? Is there secret evil hidden within the colorful graphics and lessons about friendship?

    Well, the show DOES have unicorns in it, so I guess it must be evil. Also pegasi, which are based off Greek mythology. And they did a Halloween episode once. Clearly the root of all evil!

    2. I remember hearing how the Care Bears could initiate children into New Age philosophy. I don’t remember about My Little Pony, but if I remember correctly, the little girl in Frank Peretti’s “Piercing the Darkness” had a pony as a spirit guide. I don’t know if Peretti was obliquely referencing My Little Pony.

    3. I am pretty sure that Fundys used to holler about My Little Pony, too. And Teletubbies, especially Tinky-Winky. I remember in the “What in the World” newsletter that they slipped under the doors at BJU back in the day, there was an article about the Teletubbies. The final line of the article stated, “…and remember, Tinky-Winky rhymes with kinky.”

    4. From the book “Turmoil in the Toybox”:

      “My Little Pony . . . Unicorns and winged horses, also known as a Pegasus, are derived from Greek and Roman mythology. . . . Because these toys are based on mythological creatures, they are occult. Mythology is in contradiction to God’s Word. . . . The unicorn is a symbol of the anti-Christ, which the prophet Daniel described in his vision as the little horn which rises in the midst of the ten horns.”

      (This is a quote from an Amazon review quoting the book. I haven’t checked the actual book to verify it.)

      1. Ahaha, Celestia is the Antichrist, it all makes so much sense now!

        Wait, she’s technically an alicorn, not an unicorn. So I guess Rarity or Twilight Sparkle is the Antichrist instead? 😛

  39. This post touches upon two things that infect fundamentalism. the first is animism. The idea that evil resides in inanimate objects is animism (hence the name). I’m not sure that fundystan has the education to recognize when they are promoting pop-shamanism instead of Christianity, but it is there. The second problem is the seeming inability of fundies to grasp Jesus’ teaching against the Pharisees. The entire worldview of the Pharisees was that evil comes from without and defiles a man. Jesus tore this paradigm down over and over again. It is not what goes into a man, but what comes out that defiles him. Fundystan doesn’t grasp the nature of evil.

    / end rant

  40. As much as I know that a ouija board is nothing more than a piece of wood with letters and numbers on it, and as much as I know there isn’t anything remotely Satanic about it, I’m not sure I would want my kids playing with one — only because of the danger inherent in the fact that many children and teens are easily suggestible. If one says to the others in the group that the ouija really is “magic” or whatever, at least some of them might believe it — with the consequence that if the ouija “tells” them to do some off-the-wall, dangerous thing, they might just do it.
    I’ve heard anecdotes about such occurrences.

    When I was a student at a Christian college forty-plus years ago, I was always hearing stories about weird, “supernatural” things that students actually believed to have happened. The ouija board was not infrequently mentioned.

    Just sayin’ . . .

    1. At my secular college we were not allowed to use Ouija boards. The story goes that the original owner of our converted hotel/college Henry Flagler’s wife decided to play with a Ouija board once and it told her that she was going to marry a Czar. Apparently she would walk the halls looking for her Czar and trying to kill Henry. She was eventually locked up until Mr. Flagler was able to get the state to change the laws so he could divorce her.

      Not sure how much of the story was real, and how much was embellished, but it didn’t change the fact that Ouija boards were off limits.

    1. “In a sense, Care Bears offer a form of Humanistic psychology, designed to include love, involvement and spontaneity, with the goal of instilling personal growth and the achievement of full human potential. Putting it simply, Humanism teaches: we are God; there are no absolutes; and we control our own destiny.”

      from the book “Turmoil in the Toybox” – I got the quote off an Amazon review quoting the book

      2. I read the book and got rid of the large collection of really cute care bears, sigh…

    2. And love, involvement, spontaneity, and personal growth are all bad because … because … this is too hard for me; you’d better ask author Phil Phillips why they’re so wicked. 🙁

  42. Throughout history, humans have believed that certain objects possess talismanic powers to protect them or bring them good fortune. Fundies usually (correctly) reject THAT, but then they end up still believing in the power of inanimate objects, only this time the power to bring EVIL into their lives. It’s like another form of being superstitious.

  43. I remember liking Smurfs before we joined the cult. After that, I wasn’t allowed to watch it any more. I never did get that stuffed Azriel (the cat).

    1. Having grown up in the ’50s and ’60s, I wonder in hindsight whether Mighty Mouse was a closet gay. I mean, come on . . . opera solos? He was really buff, too.

  44. I heard something like this growing up fundie. I also believe it is written about in Chick comic book.
    “At every major secular music studio, there is secret room (how can it be a secret now that my pastor knows about it?) where satanic worship services are perform. These services are then back-masked onto every rock album. Every rock album comes attached with its own personal demon. When you play a rock record, you wake up the demon. The demon then makes you want to do drugs, have sex, kill your parents and vote for Obama.
    If you have 100 rock records in your house, there are 100 demons living in your house.”
    I always felt sorry for the demon that was attached to my Village People album.

    1. What’s more disturbing?

      #1) That one of the demons could be gay or
      #2) That you admitted to having a Village People album :mrgreen:

  45. Daryl, now you are confusing me again. I don’t think I get this website. Just the other day I thought the purpose of this website was to mock the Bible, mock Christ, and generally have fun at Christians’ expense. Then someone supposedly corrected me and said that there are actually a few Christians here and there on the board, but the purpose of the site was to talk about IFB specifically instead of Christianity as a whole.

    Now I’m confused again. We have people joking and mocking about demonic, occult activities such as ouija boards. Again, this makes me think that the purpose of this board is to mock Christianity in general and not the IFB denomination specifially. So – which is it???

    1. Mr. Jenkins, are you a Poe? If not, here’s a serious answer:

      We are trying to deflect with humor the frightening implications of a large group of Christians saying in one breath that they believe in the inerrancy of a Bible that teaches that nothing, no power, no matter how great, can separate us from the love of God in Christ, and in the next breath that they believe in the divine power of the Man who spent His life on Earth condemning those who were so obsessed with avoiding pollution from the outside that they forgot that human evil is a product of the human heart, and in the very next breath express terror that a doll or a book or a tourist tchotchke is a deliberate attempt to infect them with evil–as if evil were an outward threat like skunk spray and God had ordained skunk spotting as the road to purity. These are the very same people who turn their heads and wink their eyes when their so-called men of God steal from the almsbox and bully the helpless among their flock, exhibiting the evil in their own hearts. And they are teaching their children the same fear of nonsense and adoration of wickedness.

      Do you seriously believe that evil is like skunk stink, that it will come off some object or other and stick to you? Do you seriously believe that God wants us to spend our time baaing about the latest scary piece of plastic to blow across the field? Please reread the teachings of the Man whose name you bear.

      1. Jenny NY Islanders, I don’t think it’s healthy or wise to go around fearing inanimate objects. So no, I don’t think a person needs to spend their life worrying about such things.

        But on the other hand, I think it’s unwise, foolish, and arrogant to make light of or a mockery of sin. Of course, if one is not a Christian, this is all fun and games and who cares anyway?? I don’t think it’s cute or funny to have demonic devices in your house whose sole purpose is to engage in demonic activities. I just don’t get how people can joke about ouija boards and call themselves Christians. Again, we don’t need to be afraid of these things at all. But I don’t think it’s wise to go to the other extreme and embrace them and laugh them off. All of the non-Christians on this board should be ashamed of themselves for laughing and joking about ouija boards because there are plenty of witches and pagans in America who would be offended that you are joking about things they take seriously.

        1. How is a Ouija board demonic? It’s a game. It’s a very silly game. It can frighten credulous people. It works on a combination of the random twitches that always travel along people’s nerves and the ability of some people to exert fine motor control to a degree that others cannot even detect–even to the point that it seems as though they wish the pointer to go somewhere and it does. I was able to sneak the pointer to the letters I wanted. One other person at our social circle’s Ouija board parties was able to do the same and we were the only people in the room who knew what was going on, until the time we had a pointer-pushing contest so blatant that everyone noticed.

          The mechanics of the Ouija board have been known for a long time. In the early centuries AD, “demonic” was an explanation saved for very bad things that changed people’s character or affected their actions in ways nobody could explain. These days it basically means “We didn’t invent it, we think it’s weird, and we’re not going to bother figuring out who made it or how or why. We’re just going to tell each other scary stories about it and terrify our kids.” This is lazy thinking and no fair to our children.

        2. Thanks to all for the interesting discussion. I’ve been lurking here for awhile and must admit that I also have been confused as to what the theme of this place is. As others have already alluded to, at times this place seems like a gathering place for Christians to was nostalgic about their times in the branch of Baptistic fundamentalism, but who still are Christians. At other times I have also thought that this place is a gathering place for all non-Christians to gather in order to have fun at the expense of Christianity and to mock it, joke about it, etc.

          The best guess I can come up with is that you are ALL correct. I don’t have the slightest clue what beliefs, if any, the host has about Christianity. It would appear as if he is a silent partner who doesn’t show his personal views and just allows this forum for all of us to share our views. This certainly makes an interesting discussion. It’s obvious from this topic alone that we apparently have a few Christians here, some who hate Christianity and just want to mock it, some who are think everyone in the world is automatically a Christian, and who knows what else? 😉

          The best I can figure is that this is not primarily a blog for Christians, and not primarily a blog for non-Christians, and not primarily a blog for what most Americans believe – that we are all Christians. It appears to be a great melting pot with no particular belief, or non-belief, espoused by the host and just a discussion forum that is open to all. My best guess is no one really cares what you believe or don’t believe here as long as you all have fun. 😆

        3. LOL, Jenny I., you have the uncanny ability to offend EVERYONE! That’s quite a talent. 😀 First you offend the Christians on here by condoning demonic, dark arts, and at the same time you offend the witches and those who practice the dark arts by mocking them and calling their beliefs a “silly game.” Lol! Talk about killing two birds with one stone. 😛

        4. Oops, not everyone: Those who don’t know and don’t care and are too apathetic about any particular belief system either way. It’s hard to offend those people.

        5. Any pagans, Wiccans, etc., lurking here: Do demons as decribed in the Bible have anything to do with your beliefs? Do Ouija boards have anything to do with your beliefs? (I think “pagans, Wiccans, etc.” covers what the PP means by “witches.”)

        6. SFL: Confusing pagans and Wiccans with Satanists.

          My wife played in the Society for Creative Anachronism for a while and we knew a couple of practicing pagans. They were very nice people, dressed colorfully, smiled and laughed a lot, and weren’t superstitious. I’m pretty sure they would have thought Ouija boards were goofy. The guy was a former Green Beret, I think.

  46. Interesting timing. I just had to go to the “spirit” side to get my Port Wine–a necessary ingredient for my morning tonic prescribed by my naturopathic doctor. I had no idea that it wouldn’t be on the “wine side.” I’m quite certain I saw many people who love Jesus over there on the “spirit” side. And I looked them all straight in the eye. I’m way too much of a coward to point this out on my facebook status, however. So, I’m glad this post appeared today! 😀

  47. My three-year-old sister was having nightmares about snakes. This lead my mom to believe that the copy of Jane Eyre I was reading must be possessed because it belonged to my Uncle who had (wait for it) left the Baptist faith and become a United Church of Christ minister!!! 🙄

    1. Tell your mother that nightmares about snakes are a universal recurring nightmare. I have one every few years or so. Btw, I went to a normal, non-fundy wedding this past weekend where there was dancing and merriment and yes I had a beer and the toast champange. People had a good time, how refreshing rather than the awkward fundy meal after a wedding… no music, etc.

    2. I read somewhere that fear of snakes and fear of falling are the two intstinctive reflexes common to all primates. Baby monkeys, baby apes, and baby humans all have these fears, even if they’ve never seen a snake or a cliff before they are tested on it.

  48. I once tried to give a Catholic prayer card to a fundie whose wayward son was in jail. St Monica was on it; one of the patron saints of mothers. (St Monica was the mother of St Augustine, so she specifically represents “mothers of wayward children who eventually see the light”.) I meant this as a friendly gesture, and I didn’t realize she was a fundie when I offered it to her.

    I realized how bad it was when she seemed afraid to actually look at it, much less touch it. When I asked why, she snapped at me, “I don’t want it! I don’t want it!” like I was offering her cocaine or porn or something. (Later I learned that she was fundie, but she did wear pants, lots of jewelry and bleached hair, so I didn’t expect that.)

    It was the fear I remember, though. Of a piece of cardboard. 😐

    1. And notice that the poor woman was primed to interpret a gesture of support as an attack. Fear, fear, fear fear fear. What was perfect love supposed to cast out again?

  49. Hey Mr. Host of this site, please accept my apologies. I’m a “senile” citizen, as my grandkids sometimes call me, and am relatively new to blogs. If I would have just read the “About” section of your site I would have answered my questions a lot earlier instead of lurking and wondering. For awhile now I’ve been trying to figure out the theme of this website and couldn’t figure it out.

    In your “About” section you seem to make it pretty clear that you disagree with Christianity and are against it by your criticisms of the core tenets of the Christian faith. (Duh! If I would have just read this at the beginning then I wouldn’t have been another ignorant reader. :wink:)

    I think it would be interesting to hear why you chose to not solely mock Christianity in general, but to specifically deal with the IFB sect of Christianity. My guess is that you spent some time with these groups? Were you a follower at one time, or are you coming at this topic from an outside journalist’s point of view? Or did you just pick them because of their sometimes odd proclivities and just decided to make a website on the topic as a fun an interesting hobby?

    From reading the posts, I would say that many, maybe most, of the readers are former insiders to the world of IFB. I am not. To be fair, I will state that I am a Christian. The only reason I know about the IFB brand of Christianity is that many, many years ago one of our kids dated a guy in this particular sect and we got to know him pretty well. He was a nice guy, but had some different views that I had no clue of until I came to know him and his beliefs. Long story short, my daughter has been married many years to another guy. But this young man (now older) became friends of the family and we still keep in touch occasionally all these years later. I think he’s mellowed out somewhat over the years, but is still IFB. But in the long run, our family considers his family friends and fellow believers and we have that common bond, even though we are not Baptists or share any of those ultra-strict beliefs. As a young man, my wife and I were glad he did not end up marrying our daughter. 🙂 But on the other hand, these many years later we just find him to be a nice, Christian guy with his own fine family and these extra-Biblical topics don’t even come up in conversation………..Anyway, we the readers would be interested to know how or why you are against Christianity and why you are especially against the IFB brand. (By the way, I find your site funny at times and I actually agree with you about many things. But I still am a Christian and don’t reject Christianity. I just find the “odd” things about IFB funny, not Christianity.)

    Am I showing my senior-citizen absent-mindedness again? I suppose next you’re going to tell me that there is your bio and life’s story somewhere on the site that I’m missing? 😳

    1. “In your “About” section you seem to make it pretty clear that you disagree with Christianity and are against it by your criticisms of the core tenets of the Christian faith. (Duh! If I would have just read this at the beginning then I wouldn’t have been another ignorant reader. 😉 )”

      What, exactly, in the “About” section leads you to believe that DD disagrees with the core tenets of Christianity or is against Christianity itself?

    2. This site has certainly gotten deeper and deeper anti-more than just IFB but anti- Christianity in general.

      1. By which I take it to mean that we’ve begun to shoot some of your sacred cows instead of those merely held by others.

        But seriously, I would challenge you to show me exactly where I’ve been “anti-Christian.”

        1. Sorry, I should have been more specific- I meant in the comments sections not the articles themselves or your guidance Darrell.

          Many arguments therein have ensued over cardinal doctrines–not just fundy preferences/craziness. I don’t have any sacred cows–I think they all make great hamburger. 😀

          My bad. Again, sorry for sounding like I meant SFL itself.

          I shall try to be more careful in future comments.

        2. Are you kidding? Do I have to even dignifiy that question with a response? I never heard of this “about” place until I just checked it out and now I know exactly why people claim this blog is anti-Christian.

          “For the purposes of this blog, “fundamentalism” is understood to be “Christian fundamentalism”, a movement that has its roots in rejecting “liberal” ideas such as German higher criticism and Darwinism.

          The five fundamentals have commonly been held to be:

          •The inspiration of the Bible by the Holy Spirit and the inerrancy of Scripture as a result of this.
          •The virgin birth of Christ.
          •The belief that Christ’s death was the atonement for sin.
          •The bodily resurrection of Christ.
          •The historical reality of Christ’s miracles.2

          Right there in your “About” section you showed your true colors by putting cute, sardonic quotes around the word “liberal.” If questioning the core, basic, nuts and bolts fundamentals of the faith can somehow be considered to not be liberal, then how can you call this place a Christian board? That makes no logical sense at all.

        4. So if we’re not a fan of Hitler then we can’t be in the cool crowd on this blog? So your a fan of the German school of philosophy? Yea, a lot of good that did us. Germans make great products. In fact, anything with a “Made in Germany” sticker on it is probably going to be of superior quality. But you might also notice that German philosophies have not always put a high regard on humans who don’t meet their expectations. Killing Jews, homosexuals and Christians who believe in the literal Bible has at times been ok in Germany because, after all, German higher criticism is superior and not to be questioned. And you actually have the audacity to criticize Bob Jones (rightly so, by the way) for not letting black students date white students while conveniently ignoring the fact that it’s ok to kill black people because they don’t measure up to your Aryian standards?

          You have a funny site at times, but your views are totally illogical and make no sense.

        6. Ja mein Herr. Herr Darrell ist unsere wohlwollende Diktator. Wir sind liberale Agenten zu zerstören Christentum gebogen. Nun, dass Sie gefunden haben, müssen wir uns aus Zeit-Tabelle nach oben zu verschieben. Wir sind Bibel Ubermensch: Angst vor uns!

        7. Please keep posting! There’s little more entertaining in life than an adult with 0 reading comprehension. Especially when combined with an inability to demonstrate any level of reason. It’s a delight laughing at the stupidity.

        9. Despite the risk I think I have no choice but to use the only German I can think of:

          Nein, nein, nein.

          Although I don’t really know if I object or not, and probably don’t, just couldn’t resist.

    1. Maybe this posted in the wrong place, but it’s not clear what it has to do with the post, and frankly is demonstrably untrue. Enslavement (like rape, and murder) as metaphor are lame.

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