Family

Friday Challenge: Personals

223 Comments

Today’s challenge is to write a personal ad for looking for a spouse in fundyland. You can either describe yourself as you were back in the day, the perfect mate you thought you wanted, or the traits of someone you actually knew.

“SWM seeks dress-wearing pianist for ministry possibilities. Must possess own piano …”

(I would like to apologize in advance for the sidebar ads this is likely to generate)

223 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Personals”

      1. My long ago single days were spent in Pentecostal churches so can’t really formulate an ad. I do rememember reminding my husband on one occasion that he couldn’t aspire to be a pastor because of my total lack of piano playing (or any other musical) skills.

      2. I know quite a few PCC preacher boys that would very likely have placed a personal ad like that… ๐Ÿ™‚

        1. I had one date in college that ended abruptly when the guy found out I had no piano playing skills and not even much of an ability to sing. Sad. He was such a *dreamboat* with his whitewalled haircut and his floodwater pants. Oh well.

  3. SWM feels Lord calling him to find a mate who is a complete stranger so no feelings get in the way of His will. I like long outdoor sermons in August, discussing preachers of the 1950s. You should like tracts, minor prophets, denim dresses. No harlots, whores of Babylon, or too much make-up.

      1. Didn’t need to say, “must want children” ’cause, duh!, it’s not up to her anyway. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Sweet! Independent Fundamental King James Only Baptist preacher college student seeking seperated, sold out for God, sanctified, surrendered woman who is also seeking to jump right into the Lord’s ministry of evangelism.

      Applicants must only use the KJB
      Must be able to read music, play church hymns, offertories, and choir specials .
      Must have a submissive spirit and be willing to travel the world at a moment’s call.
      Must desire to be a godly mother to a quiver full of children as they are God’s great blessing.
      Must be a graduate of Oklahoma Baptist College.
      Must be a soulwinner.
      Etc.. :mrgreen:

      1. Having your own Witness Stickยฎ is a plus that will promote you to the top of the stack of potential candidates for God’s Perfedct (sic) will.

  5. SWIF1611KJBOBFP* seeks SWCVIF1611KJBOBF** for courtship opportunity and God’s will. Must be willing to have Quivver full of children, amen?! Must be able to play piano. amen?! Must be willing to take on work outside of home (i,e, Mary Kay, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, etc) in order to supplement my income until I get Calledโ„ข to pastor a big IFB1611KJBO church. Must willingly submit to Biblical authority regarding Marriage and home life (as described in my latest sermon you can find linked to on my profile).

    *Single White Independent Fundamental 1611 King James Bible Only Baptist Future Pastor

    **Single White Chaste Virgin Independent Fundamental 1611 King James Bible Only Baptist Female

        2. Opposite of GSOH –
          Good sense of humour*.

          *UK spelling because I’m in the UK not because I’m a KJVO.

  6. SWF seeks “the one” chosen just for her. Must never have looked at or spoken to a woman before (to avoid emotional intimacy). Looking for man who has graduated from Fundy U and is currently ministering as a preacher boy. Seeking man who understands the very present dangers to our society of CCM, dressing too casually for church, “perversions” of the Bible, etc. I would love to be able to hear a message from any potential “courtship” possibilities. Messages on “The Old Paths” or “The Little Foxes” really impress me.

    As for myself, I enjoy playing white pianos, listening to hymns and past sermons from my pastor on cassette, swimming (only with culottes and a long dark t-shirt on–and never mixed swimming), and handing out tracts. I am active in my church, and always attend every service. I coordinate the potluck ministry and the “sewing saints” events. I am even involved in our ministry to the poor, where we go downtown and pass out tracts to them. Sometimes they look hungry, but like pastor says, food will only last them a short time. . .but the message in a tract could last for eternity.

    If you are interested, please send a letter to my father, seeking his approval, as well as a letter of reference from your pastor (with his approval).

      1. But daddy is already taken, unless mommy is no longer ali… oh you mean getting his blessing for the applicant! I thought you meant… never mind ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    2. What’s *really scary* is that I saw an advertisement of almost those exact words several years ago on a Singles Site… I have to say, though, I really felt sorry for the girl, as that it seemed quite obvious that her father was writing the ads, and that she had no say (of any importance, anyway) in what was going on… ๐Ÿ™

    3. I was actually working a ATI/IBLP/Fundy conference once where a father placed ads on all the bulletin boards basically “auctioning off” his two daughters who were in their late 20’s. I remember a mixture of wanting to laugh and cry at the horror of it. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜

  7. Are you tired of finding NIV readers? If so consider this tall lean KJVonly single white male. No annoying unique personality here. I come from a long assembly line of manufactured men so you’ll know what your getting. Please respond to this add. I would love to become your penpal.

    Seeking: S whites only female that knows how to make a mean denim skirt or jumper. That’s about all I need.

      1. For your wife, who won’t be able to afford real clothes on your paltry IFB preacher salary!

  8. SWF seeking a Godly, IFB man (if you wonder what IFB stands for you obviously are not one so you can stop reading here), who aspires to lead his wife and family according to Ephesians 5. I am an aspiring Proverbs 31 woman, seeking to be the perfect wife and someday mother who also aspires to live by Ephesians 5 and just do whatever I’m told by my husband.

    And if you believe that I have a piece of swampland in Florida to sell you! ๐Ÿ˜€

  9. SWM looking for a preacher’s daughter to become a preacher’s wife. Obviously, you must be white as well. Any other race is an abomination to even consider. I’m looking for a mate whose father has started his own college so that he can bestow upon me an honorary doctorate after we are married so I don’t have to actually do all of the doctorate work. That would free up more time for me to spend time with my lovely bride so that I can satisfy my own desires since that is the second reason I will be marrying you. Must play piano so as to help maintain our Fundamental heritage like all of the other Pastors and Pastor’s wives who have gone before us. After all we must continue down the old paths. Ability to sew your own jumpers and culottes is essential. If you got your degree in early childhood education that will be a plus as I plan on seeing how many kids you can have once we are married. I’m guessing with God’s hand of blessing on us we should be able to have 11 children by our 10th anniversary. Obviously, but just in case anyone gets mistaken, you should have long hair that comes to past the shoulders, a smile that remains unchanging, kinda plastic like. Must be KJV only and be able to quote large passages without having an actual understanding of what they mean (after all if I can do, so can you). Must be a good enough cook to help my weight hit close to 300 pounds, but have enough self control for yourself that you maintain your pre-marriage figure. Interested ladies email me at Pureandholyoldpathskjv1611mate@juno (dot) com

      1. Must have been a similar church since if it had been the same church our parents would have arranged our marriage once we were old enough to court each other.

    1. Ha! due to my “ad” above my sidebar ads are for early childhood education degrees. LOL

      1. My sidebar ad is for the University of Phoenix, bizarrely. Perhaps it’s a last-ditch attempt by the ads to try to tell me there’s a different path I could take? ๐Ÿ˜†

    2. And MY sidebar ad at the moment is for “Filipino Cupid” featuring women in bathing suits looking seductively at the camera.

        1. Same here. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Hadn’t even noticed. ๐Ÿ˜ณ ๐Ÿ˜› Wonder if any of them are IFB? My first IFB church would not have minded. :mrgreen: But my wife would. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Time to leave.

      3. Filipino, Asian, Latin, and for some reason I keep thinking…
        Tall and tan and young and lovely
        The girl from Ipanema goes walking
        And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jrJ5mcCshw

        Then a line from another song crowds its way into my thoughts…
        I’m old I’m helpless and feeble
        And the days of my youth have gone by
        And it’s over the hill to the poor house
        I must wander alone there to die        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bv0yOKl4p5Y&feature=related

  11. SWFKJOSWOTRSIFB seeks SWMKJOSWOTRSIFB for courtship to last all of one month before we get married and start having children. I am basically seeking a man to provide the sperm for me so that I can be a mother and Titus 2 wife and totally ignore his needs, although to our churchfolk, I will make you look good and act like I am “submissive” to you (so don’t worry about that). You must have a good job and want to spend a lot of time at church because you’re going to get in my way at home, and I’d rather you stay there. I’m sure pastor can find plenty for you to do. I have good child-bearing hips, strong cooking skills, thorough house-cleaning skills (both of which I will teach my/our girls when they are old enough to help — the boys can help you), teaching skills as I plan to teach my/our kids at home (if you don’t agree with this, it really doesn’t matter), and I know how to drive (you will need to provide a car for me… a nice one, you can drive the crappy one). Opportunity best for man who would rather just show off his family rather than be a part of one.

        2. How ’bout the OTR part? Old Testament Revering/Reverence?

          SWFKJOSWOTRSIFB Single White Female, KJV Only, Soul Winning, Old Testament Reverencing, Separated Idependent Fundamental Baptist. What a mouth-full. ๐Ÿ˜›

  12. Can it be an actual one? Earlier this month a Fundie blogger (Lady Lydia) posted this on her website – I don’t know if it can get much beter than this.

    The man has just turned 50 and has never been married; looks more like he is 40, and lives in a small town. He is seeking someone who wishes to be a stay-at-home wife and would enjoy fixing up a house that he owns.ย  Also, he believes in home schooling.ย  If sheย dresses modestly and is ย looking for an opportunity to help someone in his life by being a homemaker, and if she likes to cook or sew, this is an ideal situation for her. She must have references from her parents and family.

    He is not the strong silent type. He’s the strong communicative type. He does not drink or smoke; loves animals and children.ย  I know his family and have found them to be pleasant and upright.

    If there is anyone between 35 andย 45 that is looking, she may contact me, and I’ll put her in touch with some of this man’s relatitives, who willย be able to give a characterย reference and make an introduction.

    1. AGH! I read about this on Sweepingcobwebs. Lady Lydia is a hoot!!! I love her sheet tents!

    2. Once again, I can’t tell if this one is a parody or a real ad.

      If it’s real, it’s an interesting throwback to the 18th or 19th century.

    3. He just turned 50 and he’s looking for someone 35-45? Potentially 15 years younger? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

      1. BTW I don’t mind people of any age getting married–that’s up to them. Just thought it was all too consistent with this guy’s condescension.

      2. Well, if he wants kids, he wouldn’t want to go much past 40; 35 is even better! Or it could be condescending.

  13. My husbands add: Seeking a woman to skip straight to marriage before temptation gets in the way. I am looking to load your baby cannon, the Duggards wont know what hit them, they will just turn around and think it is one of theirs.

      1. The more you think about it, the dirtier it gets. Rarely does a catchphrase have that kind of staying power.

    3. I am using the phrase “loading your baby cannon” from now on. I always tell my wife I want to fill a 15 passenger van. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ So far we have one baby. He’s 10 weeks now, I think it’s about time to get a move on. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. We were married 8 years before the first baby. She has nothing to worry about. Also, after 8 years, she gets the joke, and probably doesn’t want to kill me (at least for that). And, yes, she occasionally reads this blog.

  14. Single (Eph 6:5), White (Praise God! Lev 19:19), American (Praise God Again! Act 17:26), King James Bible Beleving (Col 1:14), Separated (Num 6:6), Soul-Winning (Rev 3:14), Inapendant Fundamentalist Preacher (Mat 11:12) seeks Single (Lev 21:14), White (Deu 7:3-4), American (1 Pet 5:8) King James Bible Believeing (Psa 12:6-7), Separated (Mat 3:12), Soul-winning (Mark 14:9), Indapendant Fundamentalist Baptist (Mat 17:13) Help Meet (Gen 2:18) For Courtship (Luke 20:34) And Discovering God’s Perfect Will (Rom 12:2). Must Have A Heart For Church Planting In One of The Most Unreached Places in The World (Witchita, Kansas). Must Play Piano And Teach A/Beka Home School Books. (1 Peter 3:15) Ability To Make 50 Gallons Of Potato Salad A Plus. (Prov 31:27) Must Have The Heart Of A Soul-Winner (Silently Pass Out Tracks 1 Cor 14:34). Also Must Have Good Walking Shoes (Luke 24 13). Must Realise That Her Most Godly Personal Desires Are Those Of Her Husband, Because God Make Him tHe Head Of The Home. (1 Tim 3:12 Must Have Hair That Covers Her Nakidness (1 Cor 11:15) Not That She Would Ever Actually Be Nakid. (1 Tim 2:9) If Interested, Have Your Parent’s Contact My Parent’s, (Gen 24:51) That God’s Blessing Will Be On Us (Prov 11:11

    4. Married, white IFB pastor, seeks female for discreet extramarital affair. If we are caught, I will still keep my job as pastor, but you will be excommunicated from the IFB church. I like late nights at the office “studying” (hint, hint), and telling my congregation about my soulwinning endeavors. NO FAT CHICKS!!

      1. George, stop it, really!! I wasn’t trying to reply to anyone. That was supposed to just be another post. I think George needs to be fired.

    5. If there was an emoticon that bowed down I would use it right now because this is awe worthy. Well done Nate-o

      1. What would be worse? The fact that he looked them all up or if he had them all memorized? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    7. Please tell us you didn’t have this saved on your computer to actually use at some point. ๐Ÿ˜†

    9. The fundy force is strong with this one, there is no way he didn’t grow up fundy with those proof texting skills, clearly learned from a powerful master.

    14. Wow :shock:, actually looked up a couple of the references and I bow to your superior proof-texting skills.

    16. Thanks for all the feedback, guys! To answer your questions: No, I did not already have this saved on my hard drive, and no, I did not have them memorized (I have the Bible verse memorization skills of a Catholic). I just thought about some of the worst tropes I’ve seen from fundy circles, and compulsive proof-texting seems to be by far the most egregious, followed by poor grammar and an overabundance of capital letters. Put ’em in a bowl, mix well before serving, and there you go! Perfect fundy ramblings!

  15. White Christian male seeking help meet. Must be submissive, which, according to PT 7:7 means that I can criticize her all I want, and she takes it well, but she will not utter one word against me. In case of mortal illness, she must supply a replacement so that after her passing, I can quickly remarry. As I am the head of our future house, we will be married by my pastor, Keith Gomez, who is my hero and idol.

    1. “In case of mortal illness, she must supply a replacement so that after her passing”

      Love.

    2. UGH ~ my idiot father in law has pastored for 25 years. His wife (my mother in law) passed away last August. At her funeral, he said God told him who he was to marry. A week later they were out to dinner and he informed her they would be married in a few weeks ~ she said I feel the same way. My hubby (the “rebellious” one told his dad NO, let us grieve through the holidays without mom and without you bringing your slutty girlfriend. He agreed, but less than 6 months after his wife passed, he married that church member who had been married and divorced 4 other times. My idiot-in-law is a winner.
      The real question is ~ how long were they sleeping together before my mother in law died?! โ“ ๐Ÿ˜•

      1. Apparently God told him to take up with the Merry Widow, the same way God told him to marry your husband’s mother (insert sarcasm icon).

        I just get disgusted with people who use God to justify all their own choices. Discernment of God’s will does NOT work the way they imply it does.

    3. Well, he does market himself and his honorary doctorate on every single church vehicle I’ve ever seen…

  16. I’d just like to share a BJU memory relating to this. A certain “counseling”/”psychology” prof once read us an actual personals ad from a fundy pastor he knew, wherein the dude basically stated he wanted a fundy wife who could cook, clean, bear children, be submissive, was attractive, and wasn’t fat. This prof tore the dude to shreds because he said the ad guy was focusing on externals too much. And then the VERY next class, Dr. So-and-so told a story about a girl who wanted to date him in high school, and he went out of his way to say “and this girl was fat, and I mean FAT.” Hypocrisy much? ๐Ÿ™„

    1. My question would be why a psych professor would even be referring to singles’ ads, much less how own personal dating life.

      1. Was thinkin the same thing. You probably weren’t there yet, but he preached a chapel message once where he basically said people pray for their health too much. I’m kinda inclined to agree that church bulletins filled with health-related prayer requests seem to communicate that Christians are scared to die (cognitive dissonance?), but I remember the entire campus was in an uproar over the message.

        1. Was that the “Don’t mourn for the dead Christian” message? I haven’t heard people talk that violently about a Mazak sermon in years. Usually he goes over so well with most people there.

        3. It is *our culture* that doesn’t deal well with death and tries to tell the griever not to grieve. (I know; my fiance passed away at 34.) Jesus wept when Lazarus died…even though He would shortly raise him back to life! As ones whose true home is in Heaven, Christians (fundy or otherwise) really ought to deal with death and the grieving better…at least better than the rest of the world!

          And over-focusing on externals makes me crazy…that’s what my blog is all about.

  17. How scary is it that I replied to a newspaper singles’ ad back in the ’90s? ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    “SWM seeking a Proverbs 31 woman.” My mom was amazed that I was bold enough to do it. I was appalled when the guy got ahold of my phone number from a reverse directory, called me and insisted that we meet that day. It didn’t go well. at. all.

    And then I met my husband on a Christian singles’ online dating site. Can you tell I grew up in the sticks? ๐Ÿ˜•

  18. This isn’t about me obviously as I’m female but apparently this has happened time and time again.

    I have no need to place an add because God has already told me I am to marry Mary Smith. I know this comes as a surprise to Mary Smith as we have just been introduced but as she appears to be a submissive daughter and hard worker in the church. She’s also very pretty but that’s of no importance to me. I know that since she obviously very spiritual she will have faith and trust that I am the spiritual head and realize she has no choice in the matter. She will make an excellent help meet to me in my ministry. Did I mention she’s also very pretty?

    3. This reminds me of St. John’s approach to Jane in “Jane Eyre” – an emotionless appeal to her spiritual duty. Ick.

  19. SWF seeks SW (Southern!) M who loves his Momma. I was homeschooled with particular emphasis in the womanly arts of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. My goal is to be a help-meet to a Godly man whose Bible translation is no newer than 1611. My modesty is unsurpassed by even Victorians, and (upon request) can prove my purity with a doctor’s statement. Non preacher boys need not apply.

        1. I’ve mentioned before this “preacher” lives about 100 miles from me. That’s WAY too close, as far as I’m concerned. Maybe he’s been out in the Valley of the Sun 110+ degree days too much! ๐Ÿ™„

          Love your screen name, btw.

  20. Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! I am a young Christian woman whom the Lord has called to a life of singleness to better serve Him on the mission field of urban America. However, the Word of God tells us that “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) Therefore, I believe it to be God’s will for me to seek out the companionship of another Godly woman called likewise to singleness. We would combine our households as did Ruth and Naomi. As commanded in Ecclesiastes, we would also share a bed. Perhaps, like my missionary role models Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward, we can eventually adopt foreign children from heathen lands together that we might bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

    Please note that my companion MUST share my commitment to chastity, so much so that the thought of knowing a man brings not the slightest temptation to her heart.

    4. unless I am mistaken, I think I went to fundy U with this girl. And there were a couple girls who answered the ad if you know what I am saying.

    6. It actually took me a second to get this, it sounded so completely fundy I almost missed the point ๐Ÿ˜ณ .

    1. Missed Connection. I saw you the other night at Calvary Baptist church. You were sitting with your family one row back from the front, middle aisle. I was sitting with my family, one row back from the front, left aisle. You were wearing a black suit with a red tie and a kjv tie clip. I was wearing a flowing blue dress with white shoes and dark hose. We both picked up our infant siblings at the church nursery for our mothers. You were in line right behind me. It seemed like you wanted to speak to me, but we both know that would start gossip! If you need my father’s information to ask him if we could formally start speaking, his e-mail is willkillforjesus@juno.com If he approves of you, it would be great to have someone I’m allowed to talk to! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    2. Missed connection – Saw you yesterday while I was handing out tracts on the street corner in downtown Houston. Boy was it hot, but God gave me enough grace to continue on for Him even though I was wearing black pants, a light blue long sleeve oxford shirt, and a “He Lives!” necktie. I had the brown hair slicked back and patted down tight to my skull with sideburns that don’t come past the top of my ears. I also shaved twice yesterday to avoid the worldly appearance of facial hair. You walked past with your family. Your dad was in front as it should be with your mom right behind him nursing your youngest sibling while holding onto the next youngest. I must say she sure is a sturdy woman and really seems to know her place as your dad wasn’t carrying a thing. She just smiled at me, adjusted the diaper bag, and moved on. You were at the end of the line of your other 7 siblings keeping an eye on all of them. You were in a long denim jumper with a white blouse with a high collar and full sleeves. You look to be about 17 and though I haven’t seen many 17 year old’s wear their hair in a bun anymore, I must tell you that you were rocking it! I mean your hair was very nice. If you see this and could point your father’s eyes toward it maybe he could get in touch with me about a possible courtship. Contact me please at Streetpreacher@juno (dot) com

    3. Missed Connection – You took my order at Chick-fil-a yesterday. I can’t stop thinking about you. You were the only young lady employee who bothered to dress modestly in a skirt. When I said, “Thank You,” you said, “My Pleasure.” It seemed like instant chemistry to me. I was wearing my white Fundy U. embroidered logo oxford with matching Fundy U. tie. Tell me the color of my tie and your father’s contact information, so I will know it is you.

  23. When I was a freshman at PCC, one of the senior ministerial guys preached a whole Sunday School sermon on “How to Find A TP31B”. (total proverbs 31 babe). His advice didn’t help me at all.

  24. I think you are missing the point.

    Surely in keeping with Genesis 24, the only Biblical way of finding a mate is to send a friend to a watering hole and ask him to come back with the first eligible young woman who turns up with a camel.
    It certainly worked for me, and Marjory and I have been happily married for 24 years.

    Yours in quiet disapprobation

    Revd Drayton Parslow

  25. You + me under God = HONOLULU, you wanna go there (or the Hawaiian room at the La Quinta in the next county).
    BAM! You’re qualified!

  26. All they really need to do is visit this site…

    (Is hoping the image actually shows up. And, no, I’m not going to hyperlink to the actual site.)

  27. Apparently I can’t leave a comment for myself. Something weird going on. What was SUPPOSED to appear in my previous comment was was the logo for Christian Singles dot com, with their obnoxious tag line “Find God’s Match for You!”

    I cringe every time one of those commercials comes on TV.

  28. Totally inappropriate and not fully in line with the topic.

    MWKJVOBYP seeks young, impressionable teen for inappropriate relationship. Must be discreet, have totally fundy parents who will believe the MoG over their own child, and from time to time dress provocatively so that I can accuse you of tempting me to fall.

  29. If I had written an ad in college, this would have reflected my attitude:

    SWF loves God, wants my life to please Him, plays piano, and enjoys teaching both children’s church and women’s Bible studies. Believing sincerely that the husband is the head of the home, I am only interested in men who are gentle, humble, kind, patient, easy to be entreated, forgiving, and self-controlled. If you’re one of those types who TALK the talk but live like an arrogant jerk, leave me alone because I will NOT put myself under your authority. I’ll be very happy as a single Christian schoolteacher, coming home to my books and my cat.

  31. At 15: SWF not seeking any men. Must be sought by upright, captain of the Bible quiz team, non-smoker, non-drinker WILDS counselor who listens to GODLY music. Must be called to the mission field. Must love children. Must work hard. Must be kind and wise. Must go to church 3x a week. Must never even THINK about (the s-word ๐Ÿ˜ณ )

    At 23: SWF dreaming of being sought by a rugged, out-going, Christian cowboy who doesn’t smoke, drink, chew or go to movie theaters. May like some CCM. Must read through the Bible yearly. Must be a virgin. May have kissed once or twice. Should have a good job but not above ministry.

    At 25: SWCST (Single white Christian School Teacher) still not seeking a man (but peeking around corners at them) who has strong morals now, might have had s-e-x but repented before the church and now serves in the church daily to make up for his past. Hoping to be sought soon.

    At 30: SWCST on the prowl desperately seeking man with a job and a libido (will provide job and Viagra if necessary)

      1. ha! I would add

        at 50: A male who can still lift stuff and has never been or is at least finally out of jail. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  32. SWMKJVOP seeks young naive single white IFB-raised PW-material female for extremely short (1 month or less) courtship before marriage. Must be able to sew own culottes and denim dresses, make all food from scratch, garden and clean while taking care of an ever expanding brood of children under Godly discipline and spending as much time as possible attending services and keeping up a front of the perfect household. Ability to turn a blind eye to secret alcoholism, affairs with congregants’ daughters and child beatings a plus. Have your father send a reply – all correspondence will happen between us, you will never be involved except for during short, awkward meetings where we try to avoid making eye babies and talk about the Bible.

    (I did good? ๐Ÿ˜€ )

    2. How would a potential respondent know which one of the thousands of preacher boys at Fundy U placed this ad?

  33. SWM holding a beauty contest to all eligible women with IFB pedigrees. Contestants each get one night with me and I will chose one at the end of the contest.

    It worked for Ahasuerus.

  34. Lol, I just discovered this website because they used my video to make fun of. I haven’t seen this much hate since I knocked on a guy’s door the other week. Oh, he wasnt a christian BTW. I also have never heard anyone call us fundys before. Usually just crazy. Well, God Bless you anyway. Here is a proud fundy! Committed to seeing souls saved! I hope you all are! Romans 10:13

    1. You know what, Brady. I like you. I just do.

      There really isn’t as much hate here as you think. We are mostly a bunch of snarky people. I don’t hate anyone from my past. I just think they’re mislead, that’s all.

      And, you’re just a little too cute for never having heard the term fundy before. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    2. Classic, truly classic.
      Taken straight from the IFB playbook.

      Let me offer you a challenge. For the next 30 days you come over here and read the back posts. Get to know us and you may find you see something familiar in our expose’. We’re will to stand behind what we say and we will answer for it, every word. Just like the fundies who promote a cheap gospel and man-centered religion do.

      1. what george meant to say was, “We’re willing to stand…” and “Just like the fundies who promote a cheap gospel and man-centered religion will do some day.”

    3. Brady,

      I attended a baptist church for 20 years & never heard the gospel. I was a student @ a christian school for 10 years & never heard the gospel. I attended an IFB university for 4 years & never heard the gospel.

      I heard a lot of legalism, a lot of religion, a lot of ‘do as I say to please god”. But no gospel.

      Today I am a pastor of a Presbyterian church & I preach the gospel every Sunday.

      I wish that I had met your father when he was searching for answers, and before he joined a cult,

    4. the only hate here is when certain fundies have shown up and spewed it. Its mostly just Mai tais and Yahtzee here.

      Of course, I believe that truth and love are the order of the day, and so I am honest with my fundy friends, even when they are shocked and saddened by it, in some cases it eventually sunk in because it was indeed the truth. I can’t think of a more loving thing to do than to tell someone the truth, even if they are not ready to hear it.

  35. Well don, don’t flatter me with your opening statement. I don’t see much difference between the gospel that most evil IFB churches preach and the gospel preached in the Bible. Oh, do you remember that book Don? Lol truth is, until I became an adult and looked up what people had to say about IFB churches, I never knew how hateful and evil we were. Liars too! No, I think God will say well done. You tried to win souls. Change lives. Did your best. That’s all I can do Don. What is this life about? Feeling good? Worshipping God? If I am not being a profitable servant for Christ, I am worthless. If you feel God called you to a Lutheran church, or a Presbyterian church, or any church, hey, go. But just make sure you are telling others of Him. My dad sat in a Presbyterian church for 18 years growing up. Never heard the gospel. NEVER. That’s a shame Don. He was saved as a nine year old at a Bible meeting for kids hosted by two old Baptist ladies. Spread God’s love. The Gospel. That’s why we are here. Not to fight and bicker and make fun. Save that for the lost. They are better at it. God Bless.

    2. Got any relatives named John? ๐Ÿ˜‰
      About your video, it probably has more views now! That’ll promote it in the Youtube suggested rankings thingy so more people will see it and click and it see your message. ftr I’m a fundy too, and Baptist! And I had never heard the term “fundy” until I found this site either.

    3. “Oh, do you remember that book Don?”
      Rather presumptous question dontcha think there young Anakin? Thanks for reinforcing the IFB attitude.

    4. “If I am not being a profitable servant for Christ, I am worthless.”

      He is really not seeing what he’s doing there, is he? Wow.
      You are on a very serious downward spiral towards emotional suicide and the darkest hollows of despair, and the landing is going to hit you hard. And I am genuinely sorry for you.

  36. Kevin, you clearly have a different definition of the gospel. IFB churches are not linked, therefore they aren’t a cult. They don’t make anyone do anything. You come as you please. And Don, I guess if that is all you got from that whole post, its a waste of time. Thanks for reinforcing the defensive backslidden attitude. Donald. Oh, and Legalism means adding to the Bible things that aren’t there. Look it up. And, please tell me where there is a pastor that says do as I say. I believe they all use a Bible. If the congregation can’t tell if he is lying, they probably don’t care anyway.

    1. Oh, I see they are NOT linked? And we all really believe that too. We KNOW what IFB is all about some of us are out some still in but very uncomfortable, so you really aren’t going to convince any of us that IFB is Kosher ( ๐Ÿ˜› ), we have personal experience with it, and that is why this sight exists.

        1. A Twizzlers man, eh? My HF lives on them. Some cops like donuts, he chews on his Twizzlers.

        2. I prefer the nasty black stuff. Licorice, I mean.
          No, on second thought, I just prefer nasty black stuff in general. :mrgreen:

    3. Bravo! Bravo! your true colors are blossoming with the drab hues of a true sanctimonious fundie now. More! More!

      Backslidden you say? Backslidden from what?? Your religion? Ah, careful there young Skywalker, tread lightly on the path of judging one’s salvation or rightness with God according to your standards.

      We may judge the actions of the empire builders and the fundie leadership. We may attack stupid ideas man-made traditions and heresy, but we do not presume to know the heart of anyone before God. I will answer for my actions and attitude and I do so with a clear conscience. Be sure you do the same.

      And for the record, you had the correct definition of “Legalism” the first time. It does not exclusively pertain to salvation but pertains to adding any man made tradition, rule or standard to any of the Gospel or Scripture, as a way of judging one’s right standing before God.

      Gosh, you remind me so much of me when I was your age…ummm maybe I was a little older before I thought I knew everything back then. But you do so remind me of those days.

    4. Legalism, in Christian theology, is a sometimes-pejorative term referring to an over-emphasis on discipline of conduct, or legal ideas, usually implying an allegation of misguided rigour, pride, superficiality, the neglect of mercy, and ignorance of the grace of God or emphasizing the letter of law over the spirit. Legalism is alleged against any view that obedience to law, not faith in God’s grace, is the pre-eminent principle of redemption. Its opposite is the doctrine of Sola Fide, which is the traditional Protestant view that believing in Jesus Christ is the only requirement for receiving eternal life.

      source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legalism_(theology)

      leยทgalยทismNoun/หˆlฤ“gษ™หŒlizษ™m/
      1. Excessive adherence to law or formula.
      2. Dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith.

      source: Dictionary.com

    5. Oh, oh… Donald?? he didn’t… noooo, who in their right mind would call me… let me go back a read that again….. ummm…yaaa-daaa… uhmmm, ulp! there it is.. Donald. Like I told Johnny Dangerously, “My parole officer called me ‘Donald’…once.”
      *snicker… Donald….bwahahaha Guess he told me? Yessiree-bob. ๐Ÿ™„

      1. +1 for Johnny Dangerously reference.

        “Mr. Dangerously, your last name is an adverb.”

    6. Brady, the reply button is your friend.

      Welcome. We haven’t had fresh meat in long while. :mrgreen:

      1. Ha ha! My name is Brady, and I think I have the power to tell anyone who dares to disagree with me they are hell bound! You wouldn’t think with the poor attitude he would have to specify that he’s a Baptist.

        1. Hey now, there are plenty of pentecostals with the same bad attitude. Believe me, I know. ๐Ÿ˜‰

      2. True true, Scorpio. If you ask me, this one’s small time stuff in comparison to the truly fundy trolls of the past. Ah, those were good times…

    7. You talk about IFB churches not being cults. I don’t think every IFB church out there is a cult, but many are. When I was in my late teens, I went to an IFB church that wasn’t. The pastor cared more about the people than if they followed his standards. He worked a full-time job, never taking a salary from the church. When he taught something, he’d studied it from the Bible and honestly believed it was right. I don’t agree with the doctrine, but I respect him.

      I’ve also had IFB pastors growing up who were very different, almost hateful in their applications of the Bible.

      Then I went to HAC, and my experiences there soured my opinion of the movement in general.

      Although I’m no longer Christian, I don’t dislike someone based on their beliefs. When I had my wedding less than a month ago, the only woman I had stand up with me was someone I’d roomed with for two years at HAC. She will always be considered a good friend, even though we live very different lifestyles.

      Anyway, what did I start out saying before I got to rambling? Oh, about IFB being a cult. Most of the people here have seen the dark (cultish) side of the IFB movement. That’s why we’re disenchanted and tend to react strongly when confronted with memories from that period of our lives.

    1. Hello Brady and welcome. That’s partially true. But legalism is also trying to be “right with God” through works. How many times have I heard that you need to be in church SundaymorningSundaynightandWednesdaynight (said very quickly) in order to be right with God (or at least it’s implied). Or if you don’t give 10% of your income to the church then you’re “robbing God.” Or that if you don’t go to BJU/PCC/HAC/MBBC/GSBC/NIU you’re “out of God’s will.” Or you need to come down to the “old fashioned altar” to make a “decision.” Or that God can’t be pleased with you unless you’re wearing this or listening to this type of music or serving in this particular ministry. I could go on and on Brady but that’s works sanctification (legalism) and I lived it for many years and I ain’t goin’ back. It’s bondage Brady.

      Have you ever wondered why there are so many Baptist pastors out there who are living secretly wicked lifestyles and making the news more and more each day for the evil they’ve done? I think part of the reason (to me anyway) is legalism. They feel they’re “right with God” for keeping these extra biblical rules (or even just being a fundamentalist for that matter) so that God must be pleased with them no matter what.

      I really admire your zeal Brady. Honestly, I really do. But I hope it’s not about you, but that it’s about Christ. Don’t try to make a name for yourself in this world. Don’t try to be part of the network (which does exist) or one of the good ‘ole boys. Don’t try to imitate the movers and shakers in the IFB world (fundamentalism is a very man-centered religion). If you live up north, don’t develop a southern drawl. If you’re ever given an honorary doctorate, throw it in the trash and never, ever use that title unless you earned it at a reputable university through study and hard work. Be a friend to sinners like Christ. Be part of their lives. Show love. Show compassion. Sure, maybe your “numbers” might go down, but people aren’t numbers. In my experience in the IFB world you generally never saw these “numbers” again anyway.

  38. Hey, you are right cool-aid man. I’ll bet we really are linked. Like maybe an underground resistance against all fun things that God created for us to do. The pastors all meet up when they say they are preaching out. Maybe aliens are involved. And splits? Maybe they are just distractions from the pastors so we don’t see they are trying to control our kinds and take over the government. Yeah. Thanks for clearing my mind. I’m a free thinker now. I’m my own man. I’m set free from this burden. I’m unique. Just like everyone else who left. I’m unique.

    1. ’tis a thing of beauty to watch a Fundie build his strawmen and proceed to beat the stuffing out of them. It truly is an art form. You are learing your craft well young Anakin: Ninja Assassin of Strawman. Pretty soon no strawman you build will be able to stand against you! The IFB needs more heores like you.

        2. Not fair, I’m reading but no French toast ๐Ÿ˜ฅ
          Did you put powdered sugar on the top like in the fancy pants restaurants? ๐Ÿ˜‰

        4. Can I add chopped pecans over the top as well, cus that would be the bestest!!!! Caramel and pecans should grow together on the same tree.

        5. AW, shucks, just catching up on this, and I already had my rice pudding… So, where is BTB today? Snap! Sunday! He’s too busy to be here with all of us unique infidels. What was I thinking….

    2. Brady, may I recommend you take a look at this article? Though, I don’t blame you if you’re not returning to revisit comments. You might take a look at the website and its external links, too. You might, ah, appreciate their tone more than this site. This one is dedicated to taking a bit more of an in-depth and helpful view, rather than a humorous-albeit-cynical view like this one. ๐Ÿ˜‰
      http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/2010/04/cultic-family-part-iii.html

      This site is enlightening, too, Brady. Even if you aren’t in ATI/IBLP. Just take away the names and see if there are similarities. http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2011/08/prisoner-of-the-glass-house

      Oh, and be sure to take a look at the “Twisted Scripture” and “Tales from Training Centers” from the last site while you’re at it. I’m certain you’ll do much reading up on the issue as you continue on your way. (Proverbs 18:13)

      Alex

      1. Alex,

        I actually have not been on recently, but had nothing pressing on my schedule, so I decided to stop by. Oh, I am starting at Texas Baptist College. Hay-Men!

        Anyway, I was not sure why you chose that verse at the end. I have not answered anything without knowing full well what I am speaking of. I would like to give an account of who I am and why.

        I have standards, because I believe God wants me to be separate from the world, not because someone told me to.
        I do not listen to certain types of music, because I believe it is “worldly” and hinders my relationship with God, not because someone told me.
        I use a KJV because I have compared several other versions and noticed differences in verses that affect doctrine, not because someone told me to.
        I go soulwinning because I want to do my part in keeping people from the Lake of Fire, not because someone told me to.
        I go to three services a week to grow my spiritual life and to learn more about the Bible. Also to fellowship with Christians, not because I am told to.
        I dress up at church because I want to look my best for Christ, not because someone told me to.
        I go on a bus route to help bring less fortunate people to church and to help those who grow up in dysfunctional homes, not because I am told to.
        I give my tithes and offerings because God commanded me to, and because I care about my church. Because of this, God has blessed me. Not because someone told me to.
        I will train my children in the way they should go because I want to have kids that will love God and serve Him as I try to, not because someone told me to.

        I hope I have made myself clear. Since setting upo my YouTube channel, I have received many nasty comments about my personal self. Many people think I am arrogant. Some say I am a two-face. And some say I am a punk. Yet, if you ever met me, you would find I am probably the easiest person to get along with. Very easy going. I did not write this to make anyone change their mind. I simply want you all to see what most IFB churches are like. I am deeply sorry for whatever trials you have gone through. All I can tell you is we are all humans, we will all make mistakes. I did not say it was right. But we all make mistakes. Those in an IFB church that have sinned should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. But PLEASE do not lump all people into one basket and further hurt the cause of Christ.

        God bless you all.
        Love in Christ,

        Brady

        2. OH, Brady, Brady, BradyBrady, Braaaaady,

          One of the reasons you’ll probably get so much flack here is because a lot of us have been there. We lived by the EXACT same things and did the EXACT same things you do. Good gosh, you’re a male version of me before I went to Bible college.

          Look, you say that no one is telling you to do these things, and I believe you. But, who taught you to live that way or who are you modeling yourself after?
          I modeled myself after the women I “admired” and I thought a true Christian woman looked and acted like that, so that’s what I did.

          But, as the years passed and God gave me more wisdom, I began to see holes in the system. I began to see that the God that THEY were telling me about, wasn’t really altogether the true God.

          I GUARANTEE that you know the church I grew up in, and furthermore, you’ve probably been to its famous conferences. I was a cookie-cuttered womanogawd of that church. A PRODUCT of that church.

          To me, you don’t seem like a punk or ugly or anything like that.

          But, please PLEASE, if you have a question as to what you’re being taught to believe or behave or wear or whatever, challenge it. Challenge every single bit of it. That IS your right.

          I quote Galatians 5:1 as not only my “life verse” but also my motto. To me, its a direct order not to be yoked into legalism or fundyland. It reminds me that I AM free.

          And, so are you, Sugar.

        3. Hi Brady,

          I totally understand where you are coming from. I too was like you. I was in my third year at an IFB Bible College when I started seeing things that weren’t quite right. Things I simply could not agree with.

          It’s been 6 years and I’m still dealing with all the baggage that has stayed with me from my brain-washing for 23 years. It’s okay to defend what you believe, but be prepared to back it up and to really question your faith when you need to.

          I mean, if you’re right then if you come at the issue with no presuppositions, you’ll come to the same conclusions anyways, right?

  39. BTB is gonna be fun. It’s been awhile since we’ve had one in here that doesn’t think any of us were the captain of the National Champion Bible-Quiz team, went to IFB church 4 times a week since we were 2 years old, attended BJU for 4 years, and don’t understand the IFB world down to the minutia of knowing the SOTL sect, the BJU sect, the Hyles-Anderson sect, the Northland sect, the NAACS links, who fights with who, and who gets along with who, or anything like that. I’m looking forward to him educating us about a bunch of stuff we don’t know about the Independent Baptists. I have a popcorn in the microwave all ready to go.

    1. I have white cheddar stuff for the popcorn, too.

      Oh and I’ll supply the beer. I don’t like beer, but Brady might need one in the end.

  40. I want to learn about Camp Joy, the Bill Rice Ranch, and The Wilds too, because I’ve only been to those about 25 times, so I’m sure I have no real idea what they’re about either.

      1. If you sneak out of your cabin at night at Camp Joy you can go skinny dipping . . . um or so I heard. Not that I ever did that, nope not ever, it was just a story from long ago.

        1. And I’m aaaalmost willing to bet that someone, somewhere has pictures of the skinny dipping that you never did. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        2. Nope, no pictures. I just remember I was swimming when my friend grabbed, errrrr as I heard it the one guy was still in the lake when his friend grabbed his clothes and took off for the cabin leaving the swimming friend to then have to streak nekid across Camp Joy back to his cabin. Or so I heard.

        3. I would have been the lady’s voice that yelled, “Hey, girls! Eric’s streaking across camp!!!”

          Er… Eric’s friend, I mean. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  41. I’ll preface this with a few disclaimers: I didn’t grow up in an IFB church; my single mother made every effort by herself to turn me into a good meek little fundy with her own personal interpretations of scripture. I won’t claim to have common social experiences with other members of the forum.
    My fiance was raised Mormon in Boise, Idaho; he got out of that ugly situation when he was 19, and it cost him interaction with his family for several years before the rest (excepting his older sister) left that church one by one.
    Altering the beliefs one has held for most of one’s life, especially to a degree that causes estrangement or excommunication, is an undeniably traumatic experience when one goes through it willingly. To be subjected to a community that would force that change on you is not just traumatic, it is insulting and even frightening to realize such a community and school of thought exists.

    BTB was drawn here by his video reposted in the blog; his first impression of SFL would inevitably and very REASONABLY be a negative impression. Expecting him to change his views immediately on encountering members of SFL is… unrealistic, possibly even a bit cruel. Ridiculing him when he strives to rationalize and defend those views isn’t particularly friendly, either.

    Yes, on an individual level, virtually every active commentator on this blog has some long-standing loathing for the IFB and similar organizations. Most of us wouldn’t read the blog if we didn’t have an invested personal interest in seeing the IFB’s negative aspects exposed to scrutiny and ridicule.
    This does NOT mean we have to harass an IFB member who wants to be in the IFB and who we essentially called here by posting his video.

    The charm of the internet is that it allows us to be faceless, and I think sometimes this comfort in anonymity leads to a basic forgetfulness of interpersonal decency.

    If this young man is going to be converted out of the IFB, let him decide that on his own terms. Otherwise, we’re just as bad in proselytizing an unwelcome doctrine to somebody who has no desire to hear it.

    That said, it IS a two-way street. If BTB is here to proselytize, he is inviting reciprocal unwanted attentions from the members of this site.
    It is my HOPE that he will realize how futile it is to make these arguments here, considering the demographic, and out of a sense of personal maturity will either make peace, depart from the site, respectfully request the removal of his video from the site, or find an appropriate and polite way to express his points. I also hope that he will come to understand that the commentators on this blog have all had life experiences similar to his own, and that when they chose to leave IFB, they all believed it was necessary and right for them to do it; I hope he will respect their decisions just as I hope they will respect his current decision to stay in the IFB.

    We’re all human; it’s idiotic for any of us to act like our excrement does not produce foul odor.

  42. My back in the day personal ad –

    Captain of the IL State Champ Bible Quiz team. Looking for the kind of love that likes to leave without a shove. I believe that Jesus is the only way to get to heaven, but I’m SO horny right now. If you’re interested, write me a note that’s been folded 6 times and pass it to me at lunch.

  44. Oh yeah! Hair gel kid! The one that has it all figured out and wants to explain it to everyone! What’s up man? Good to see you join us!

    1. Thanks Big Gary, that was an interesting read! But you know that uber-respectable IFB Pastors or Deacons never have a second unknown life of utter debauchery! That never happens, right?

  46. I’m confused with this thread. Aren’t many Baptists now taken up with this whole “courtship” thing? In other words, don’t the fathers pick out the spouses for their kids? In that case, who cares about what type of spouse a person wants; it’s not your place to have any say in the matter anyway.

    1. Some are. Some aren’t.

      Either way, that’s not the point. This thread is an opportunity to write satire. Which is what people have done brilliantly.

  47. Sorry to bring up a serious post and ruin all the fun, but thanks for answering, Darrell. I knew some IFB types many years ago and they were actually into dating. This whole “courtship” thing, at least to my knowledge, is a recent phenomenon. I don’t recall ever encountering it years ago. Didn’t “courtship” actually start with a non-IFB guy who wrote some book about not kissing and somehow it spread like wildfire through the IFB world ever since?

    1. Kind of. Josh Harris is definitely non-IFB. Basically he was the jaded guy who never got female attention in high school, so he wrote a book saying it was wrong if you did. He’s since come out and said some of the things he wrote in “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” are a little over the top.

      Here’s something interesting, though: ask some of those fundies who say they’re into courtship what exactly they think courtship is. I promise you whatever they say won’t look anything like the actual definition of the word. It’s just a new word the fundies use to say they’re not like “the world.”

  48. From what I’ve heard about it, I’ve never even begun to understand it. Maybe some people like it because the more rules and regulations there are to something, the “better” is just has to be. Personally, I like America and the modern world. If my kids, especially the boys, are interested in a girl, and I hear the word “courtship” tangentially mentioned I would advise my boys to run, not walk, from that family. Any American father in the 21st century who wants engage in practices of 3rd world and/or ancient cultures concerning his daughter freaks me out.

  49. Conversely, America still is a free country and if families actually want to engage in some strange “courtship” ritual, more power to them! I don’t meant to be unkind or hurtful in my speech. All I’m saying is that I find it bizarre and would not want my kids involved in any family that actually believes in it.

  50. SWF looking for the ideal Baptist fundamentalist. Must believe in only the KJV Bible and have most of it memorized (in case the commies take over).
    My credentials: Fund Baptist PK, mother taught SS and played organ and piano. Your credentials: You must love going to God’s House at least 4 times a week, not believe in sex – or anything close – until marriage. After marriage unprotected sex only, so we can build an Army for God together.

    Arminians need not apply, pre-tribs only. If your love for everything Jesus does not saturate every part of your life, please do not apply.

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