Family

Commandments Concerning Children’s Behavior

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And when it shall come to pass that thy loins shall have born fruit and that the size of thy household shall greatly increase that then shalt thou heed the words of the commandments concerning how thy children shall behave when there’s anybody watching. And of the church and the restaurant and of the grocery store thou shalt strike into thy child a great fear and overwhelming dread for in these places thy children’s behavior shall be as thy own testimony as a parent and everyone is watching.

Beware, for in that day when it shall come to pass that they child shall be loud or whine or be in any way stubborn in resisting thy commands then shall the entire world know that thou are a BAD PARENT and thy shame shall be upon thee. For nobody in the real world has ever had one of their own children act up or misbehave or talk back and they shall in anywise believe that thou art not a true Christian and thy testimony of the tract thou shalt hand them shall be ruined and their eternal soul shall be forever lost. And what’s worse, if thou art a missionary family you might lose support.

And so shalt thou do, that thou shalt take unto thyself a rod or a board, or a wooden spoon and thou shalt keep it in thy car so that thou mayest invite thy child to “go have a talk in the car” with thee if she shall misbehave.But thou shalt in anywise keep the secret of thy discipline from the public for when Child Protective Services gets involved, things becometh yea verily a mess. So shalt thy hide the implements of destruction from plain sight and only thou and thy children shall know what pain lieth in wait for them if they screw up.

And if someone shall enquire as to the secret of how thy eight children doth sit quietly without speaking at thy local Denny’s then shalt thou simply smile and say “We try to raise our children to glorify God” and forgo to mention exactly how that works. For of the making of sausages and of always perfectly behaved children people may like the result but they never really want to know the process of how they are made.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 95

140 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Children’s Behavior”

  1. I just realized today what the hover text meant. For some reason I took it yesterday to mean almost everyone in McDonald’s has the extremely high standards of behavior that they will report physical abuse of children. Now I realize it’s just an intimidation tactic these bad parents use on their kids before going in.

  2. One of the most telling things Darrell wrote was this: “then shall the entire world know that thou are a BAD PARENT and thy shame shall be upon thee.”

    Often such parents deceive themselves, claiming that they care about God’s testimony, but they are really just defending their own pride. Pride not love (for God or their children) is often what underlies this kind of demanding and angry parent.

    1. And this is doubly, yea, triply so for the Mother, for her behavior, down to the last eyelash, doth also reflect upon God’s Anointed, the FATHER. 🙁 😛

  3. My fundy aunt and uncle used a Hot Wheels race track strip. I remember once my cousin called him Mom by her first name, right after I did (not on purpose – just did) and she came flying out of the kitchen, race track in hand. She beat him with it.

    I lost all interest in Hot Wheels after that.

    1. My parents had a designated ping pong paddle for spanking. Maybe that’s why neither I nor my brother have ever expressed much interest in playing ping pong.

      Also, my favorite line: “things becometh yea verily a mess” 🙂

      1. My parents also had a ping pong paddle they used. We always hated it when my mom couldn’t find it, because whatever she ended up using instead always hurt worse.

        But as much as I won’t duplicate many of their parenting methods, I do respect the fact that they deliberately chose to use a ping pong paddle because it wouldn’t cause any lasting welts or other injuries. This is especially true after reading some of the stories here. 😯

    2. There’s a Christian comedian who talks about his parents shopping for toys, and liking the ones they can use for inflicting pain. My sister and brothers and I thought it was hilarious because my mom had used them on us. Now she insists that we made it up; that we are copying that comedian. I think my brothers would remember racing stripes across their little butts. 😯

    4. My dad was a contractor and he had a jigsaw. He bought MDF and jigged out a paddle and then my mom put our names on it. Nope I don’t have a twitch at all……

  4. I was unaware that Fundies took their children out into public. I mean, they won’t let them go to school with other kids; why would they risk contaminating their children with any contact with the secular world at all?

    1. You have to parade them around in the world a little bit; that’s part of being the light on a hill. If the unsaved can’t see your superiority of dress and behavior, how will they ever come to know Christ? (Of course, I believe Scripture actually says for them to see our GOOD WORKS and those good works are things like helping the widows and visiting the sick.)

  5. And what’s worse, if thou art a missionary family you might lose support.

    I’m a fellow MK, Darrell, and I’m still LOLing at that one. I don’t know how many times my parents used that one to scare us into not acting up. (twitch…twitch…twitch).

    Once again, brilliantly done!

    +1 million

  6. On the subject of spanking in general…I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong, but I think that you need to know your children well. Spanking may “work” on one child and not on another. At the same time, though…I’m a pacifist, and have a hard time with the concept anymore, even though I’m not damaged in the least by my upbringing. Just throwing a thought our there.

  7. GAH. You poor kids…

    If your church leaders were _deliberately_ engaged in a long-term plan to cause PTSD in the next generation, they’d have a hard time topping this.

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