Announcement, education

Get Your Doctorate From SFL

136 Comments

With Christmas coming up what do you get the fundamentalist who has everything? Get them the prestige of a title they know they deserve with an honorary doctorate from SFL!

SFL is happy to announce the opening of Old Paths Baptist University where the curriculum consists of this blog and a doctorate can be had merely for the asking. (Yes, I know Big Gary is offering them too but I didn’t steal the idea from him, honest. This one has been in the works for a while. Besides, can you really ever have too many honorary doctorates?)

Recipients of this degree will have just as much right to call themselves “Doctor” as 89.3% of fundamentalists who bear that title.

Simply download the PowerPoint file, edit the name and field of study and print as many as you want. Congratulations on your new title!

(If that sounds like too much bother, I can also offer to print and mail a degree on your behalf to the person of your choice for the cost of materials and postage. E-mail me for details.)

136 thoughts on “Get Your Doctorate From SFL”

  2. “Recipients of this degree will have just as much right to call themselves “Doctor” as 89.3% of fundamentalists who bear that title.”

    You owe me a new keyboard.

  3. Are women allowed to get one? If I get one, can I exercise authority over men who don’t have honorary doctorates?

    Also, whose signatures are those at the bottom?

    1. Also, whose signatures are those at the bottom?

      Does it matter? 😉

      They’re the purposely illegible scrawls of two unnamed persons.

    2. We’d probably have to get one in the women-only fields. A Doctorate in Childbearing (for the Duggar in all of us), A Doctorate in Family Life. A Doctorate in Submission (See, now this one means you can’t lord your Doctorate over any of the MOGs out there). A Doctorate in Helpmete. A Doctorate in Potluck Dinners. A Doctorate in Culottology.

      :mrgreen:

      2. I like the doctorate in colotteology, although I would be accepting mine in my jumper and tennis shoes.

      1. Oh reader mo! So happy to see you posting on SFL!!! 😆 Have been praying for you. I was thinking about you last week, wondering how you were doing and missing your pithy comments!

  4. After Big Gary’s doctorate in pediatrics, I’ve decided to branch out and move up the ladder a bit. I’ll take this one in neuroscience.

    1. Well, I figured when granting myself a degree it was best to show at least a modicum of humility. 😆

  6. Thank you for this great honor. What is sad is it’s worth just as much as the one I paid $32,000 for.

    1. Hmmm. Your screen name suggests you went to my Alma Nates too.
      I know how you feel. I get upset thinking about how much money and time we spent to get very little.
      I honestly wish I had bought a degree from a diploma mill online. It would have been cheaper and worth about the same.

  7. I am now a Dr. of Understanding Biblical Context! Thanks Darrell! My life will never be the same with this newfound power 😈

    I can feel myself being called to preach. I am feeling it. I am feeling it.

  8. I think I’m going to go w/ the ironice “Humanities” degree being that I know of no one w/ an IFB doctorate who treats more than a handful of people humanely.

  9. Stephen B. Jones’ “doctorate” is in “liberal arts studies.” I suppose a “degree” in humanities would sound too secular.

    1. I think we’re kind of digging for issues, now. They are a liberal arts school; so it would make sense to call it that, although it may be the same thing.
      And if you wanted to keep that line of thinking wouldn’t putting “liberal” in the title be “too secular.”

      1. My point is there’s no such a thing as a degree in Liberal Arts Studies. Of course, there’s no such degree as a “Bachelor of Arts in Practical Christian Training,” either, but my sister had to get one ’cause Flora Jean Garlock had one.

        1. Actually, there is such a thing. My alma mater offered a Master of Liberal Arts degree. It was an earned degree, not a an honorary one.

        3. Actually, your finer private colleges offer Liberal Arts degrees that are the result of a very good education. If you had the means, the desire and the time, a Liberal Arts degree in Classical Humanism would be worth the time and effort spent.

    2. I think Dan may have meant at the doctorate level. Don’t you have to specialize in an area when you get to the doctorate level?

      1. That makes sense. The Liberal Arts or Humanities Major in undergrad has been around a long time, but its generally thought of as a pre-professional or pre-graduate degree, intended to prepare you for further study. How you would get an advanced degree in it I’m not sure. Basically they just throw every hard class from every other major in and call you well rounded when you’re done.

      2. Yes, there’s no doctorate in Liberal Arts. It would be a PhD in Humanities. Schools use a BA in Liberal Arts 2 ways – either they throw a bunch of tough classes at you from different disciplines or you have enough hours to graduate, but not enough for a specific major, so they give you a BA in Liberal Arts.

  11. I was also wondering what “degrees” women can award ourselves. . .hmm. . an honorary doctorate in “childbearing” or perhaps “helpmeeting” (is that a word)?? Maybe I’ll go neutral and just become a Doctor of King James Bible Studies.

    2. “Doctor of Quiver Polulation Management”

      “Doctor of Early Childhood Education and Plumbing Supply” (Avaiable only to Current fundies and Graduate Students of the Pearl’s Master Curriculum of Child Rearing)

      “Doctor of Denim Fashion and Design”

      “Doctor of Culinary Arts, Hymnody, and Musicology”

      “Doctor of Albico Chorda” (closest I could come to Latin for White Piano)

      1. george needs his doctorate in proofreading!
        “Doctor of Quiver Population Management” not polulation.

        What is that anyway george? Population polution? Is that was what you meant? Maybe it really wasn’t a spelling error? geogre, you have to let people know you are making up words when you do that ok?

  12. I hate to quibble here but just a few questions:

    You stated that the curriculum consisted of this blog.

    1) How much time must one have spent on this blog to be eligible?

    2) Must one actually participate or can “lurkers” also receive a degree?

    3) Is there a graduation ceremony, and if so where is it held?

    4) Which group of Baptists is Old Paths affiliated with? American, Old School, Independent Fundametal, Freewill, etc.

    Last but not least.

    5) Can I really call myself “Doctor” like brother Hyles and Ruckman? And if necessary can you provide me a phone number in case someone wants to verify my degree?

    This must be an answer from God, I have been wanting to start a work here in town. I’ve learnt an awful lot here lately bout how to find me a good woman, some right on here are mighty fine cooks! I’ve learnt some real good preaching styles, and what instruments to use, even the color of the piano I should use, as well as the color of my shirts and many other useful things for a new PB like myself. Only thing was missing was one of them degrees, now I got me my bonafides. Hay – man!

    3)

    1. I’d like to suggest rotating locations with Crown Point, IN, Pensacola, and Greenville, IN, being obv choices for early ceremonies. I’m very curious who we could get for a commencement speaker?

    2. 1) How much time must one have spent on this blog to be eligible?

      One has to at least have read the post about getting a free doctorate.

      2)Must one actually participate or can “lurkers” also receive a degree?

      Lurkers are not only eligible, they are encouraged to print one for themselves and as many of their friends, family, and coworkers as are still talking to them.

      3)Is there a graduation ceremony, and if so where is it held?

      There is no graduation ceremony per se since there really isn’t room in the double-wide trailer that houses the OPBU facilities. However, to celebrate the occasion ,one could perhaps play a hymn while the degree prints out. In light of recent events I’d recommend I’ll Fly Away followed by He Touched me.

      4)Which group of Baptists is Old Paths affiliated with? American, Old School, Independent Fundametal, Freewill, etc.

      If you have to ask that question you may not be ready to grant yourself a degree just yet.

      5)Can I really call myself “Doctor” like brother Hyles and Ruckman? And if necessary can you provide me a phone number in case someone wants to verify my degree?

      Calling yourself doctor is just the start. You’ll need to require everyone you meet to call you Doctor and get it printed on all your business cards, letter head, and add it to your underwear name tags.

      1. ROFL!!

        I see a possible expansion for SFL Gear: personalized iron-on underwear labels (i.e., Rev. John Smith, Th.D., DoF, etc.) (DoF – Doctor of Fundamentalism)

        3. Gotcha. I just figured Darrell was referencing some big news in fundyland that I hadn’t heard about (wouldn’t be the first time). Now that you mention it, though, it does seem obvious…

          Speaking of which, its not really fundy related, but I may go for a doctorate in junk touching!

          That’s wrong on so many levels, and frankly I’d say that far too many fundies already have doctorates in junk touching. Where’s a gagging or barfing emoticon when you need one?

        1. Oooh, oooh!!!! I’ll put Dr. Natalie across the butt of my culottes!!!!

          No peeking, preacher boys!!! Must keep your thoughts pure.

          (For the record, I no longer own culottes, but I might make some for the occasion.)

      4. #5 – that is just priceless, I’ve known a few folks who went through that exact process to make it known that they are a Dr now.

        Still laughing/shuddering over the TSA hymns.

  13. How wonderful of you to provide this opportunity for us, dear brother! I just have one question: is this open to we females as well? Could I, for example, become a Doctor of Piano-playing or Doctor of Sunday-Dinner-Making, or would that be considered usurping authority over men? And what about a joint degree with my husband?

  15. In all seriousness, the more I read this site, the more I realize that the church world in which I existed was not isolated. Somehow I find comfort in that.

  16. A bright theologian named “Fiddle”
    refused to accept his degree.
    He said, “It’s hard enough being “Fiddle”
    Without being “Fiddle D.D.”

    (But I accepted it anyway.)

    1. True story:
      Earlier this year, some university awarded singer Dolly Parton an honorary doctorate (I don’t know why, but it makes as much sense as most honorary degrees). Upon accepting the diploma, she said, “I’ve been called a Double D before, but only now does it stand for “Doctor Dolly.”

      1. Giving honorary doctorates to celebrities and politicians seems to be quite common. The thing is, none of them (as far as I know) would ever use that as a title, because that’s all it was: honorary. They’ll just file it away. On the other hand, in fundamental circles, it’s a sign of prestige. I just think it’s embarrassing and would love it if one of them who lurk on this site (and I know they’re out there) would chime in and explain why they’re not ashamed to go by that title, especially when they receive it from a no-name college or from the college that they’re the president at. Or as one FundyU president said to another FundyU president: “I’ll honorary doctorate you if you’ll honorary doctorate me.”

        1. Agreed. Serious people don’t go around calling themselves “Doctor So-and-So” on the basis of an honorary degree. They don’t even put it on their stationery or curriculum vitae. I rather doubt that Dolly Parton is going to insist on being called “Dr. Parton” from now on, either.

        2. For that matter, my wife has a “Juris Doctor” (literally, “Doctor of Laws”) degree from a major university, but she never calls herself a “Doctor.” Based on the degree requirements, a J.D. is closer to a Master’s Degree than a PhD, despite the presence of the word “Doctor” in the name (a J.D. has no dissertation requirement, for example). Some lawyers actually go on to get a PhD in law, and they, of course, are entitled to be called “Doctor.”

        3. I heard Chuck Swindoll (whom I really like) say once that he recommends getting the best education you can and then forget it.

        4. I’ve worked on contracts at Glaxo in their research department, where every third person had a doctorate. Nobody called anybody “Doctor”. I worked for a woman named Cindy Cribbs, and she was such a good manager, I assumed she’d majored in business. Then when she told me she had a doctorate (in some specialized field about the chemistry of the human body), I got all embarrassed and apologized for never having even asked if I should call her Dr Cribbs. She just burst out laughing and said all the titles and stuff were for publications and seminars, but not everyday life. Such a brilliant woman and so offhand about it; whereas these wannabes squabble and strain over every glitter of prestige they can accumulate.

        5. My brother works at a physics research lab where practically everybody has a PhD. I’ve never heard anyone addressing anybody else there as “Doctor.” It’s on their resumes, but they don’t use the title day-to-day.

  17. Sign me up for this one and for big Gary’s!! Maybe next I’ll change my posting name to Dr. Belle…. 😛

    2. Two degrees in one day just for sitting at the computer? This is great. Maybe I’ll print them for my whole family.

      Big Gary, I’d like one in Culinary Negotiations.

      Off topic, but my daughter came back from the weekend with my in-laws and after going to their church wants to sing “Jesus loves Me” without the “me.” I get it, it’s a funny thing to 4-yr-olds, but it makes me laugh and break down crying at the same time . . . isn’t that pretty demonstrative of fundy teaching: “Jesus Loves . . . CERTAINLY NOT YOU! (you’re worthless)”

  18. And just in time for Christmas–oops –I meant Baal-mass!! Woot — my list is checked off now! 😉

  19. Best. Post. Ever. I’m thinking of getting my Doctarate in Laodicean Tendencies or Eschatology :mrgreen:

  21. Shame, Shame Shame on all you sinners. I saw the date on that degree. SUNDAY Nov. 21st. You have violated the Sabbath. For six days did he work and on Saturday he rested! Therefore you shall do no degree granting on Sunday. (I never figured out how Sunday got into the equation when the seventh day is Saturday, but nevertheless…) Do they offer a degree in Shameology? I know several women who are naturals for it.

    1. Scofield – I should know. I graduated from a college where you were required to have a Scofield Reference Bible (he was one of the Founding Fathers of the school) or you’d miss the Rapture and spend the entire Millennium dodging flying scrolls and misguided PBs.

  23. Bummer, don’t have power point and was unable to get it to work. I was so looking forward to posting it on facebook and changing my name to Dr abp…

    1. You can also open it with Impress from Open Office and probably Google Presentation from Google Docs as well. (I haven’t tried it with Google but I’d imagine that would work)

  26. Darrell, you have caused a sister to stumple. I just tripped and printed myself a Doctorate of Divinity. Hey?

    Two members at the Thanksgiving table have theirs….one from Hyles, and the other from some Bible College in India, I figured I’d show up shorting MY new honorary Doctorate. 👿

    1. Now, now, Kitty. You know that we women are not aloud such things.

      So, let’s just not get our pretty heads excited about such things, and let us allow the men their doctorates while we sit in the back and knit them their next pair of black socks.

  27. Shhhh, no one tell george but I printed him a
    “Doctor of Orthographique”
    Magna Cum Laude
    Dr. george! 😎

  28. Finally I can add another honorary Doctorate to my wall behind the holy desk and in front of the Baptistry, but behind the choir loft at the church! So far I have amassed more “degrees” then thermometer in Atlanta in August! I don’t care if man doesn’t recognize them, God does! That oughta make a backslidden Buddhist stand up and say Amen!

  29. Whew! That was hard work. I just received my Doctorate of Alliteration

    Now I am going to:

    Print it
    Pontificate about it
    Preach it

    Not that there is much difference bewteen #’s 2 & 3 😆

  30. I am now a Doctor of Indoctrination. I think that is comparable to a Doctorate in Theology from my school of graduation.

  31. I am now a Doctor of Bibliomantics. If you don’t know what that means, well…
    I couldn’t bring myself to print it out because the mixed fonts offend my refined typographical sensitivities. 😀

    2. Ha, what are the odds – two almost identical posts within 10 minutes. I hadn’t even seen that one before I wrote my post below.

  32. I need to give myself a Doctor of Textual Criticism – the text warp on the “Old Paths Baptist University” is infuriating. Text paths are the better option, but I’m guessing this wasn’t done in InDesign 😛

  33. Personally, I’d like to go for a science degree. How about a doctorate in Biblical Paleontology?

  36. Darrell, can you center the last 2 lines? I want to get mine printed and carry it with me, but everyone will know it’s not real with those lines not centered!

    2. That reminds me, when my husband graduated from PCC they gave him a laminated pocket degree the size of a credit card to carry around. Why?? To be ostentatious?? We thought it was pretty funny.

  38. Wait, I don’t think I’m aloud to have a doctorate of fundamentalism.

    I am.. after all… a girl.

    1. I’m a hairstylist. I should do one of those and try to send it to state board to try to get out of my licensing fees.

      I don’t think they’d buy it.

  44. Candlestick Baptist Church is seeking a Youth Pastor. Please send resume and letter of recommendation from your Pastor. All info can be found on our website http://candlestickbaptistchurch.com/ We offer an apartment, utilities, including cable, internet, and phone, water, electricity. 250 month salary. A qualified candidate would be married or engaged to be married and is living a separated life. Pastor Bob Degg

    Is 250 a month good money? I mean, Darrell in the Office got 40 an hour to play Keyboard for Andy, and he called that Mad Money. I have no idea what American salaries are like, but I imagine this is quite low.

    1. Not only is it low, but his W-2 will reflect fair market value rent on the apartment and the value of all utilities will be listed on the W-2 and TAXED. He probably won’t have enough money to pay his tax.

      1. I’ll just second what Dan said. It’s probably not even enough to pay the taxes he’ll owe on the apartment with utilities and phone.
        Where he’ll get food, clothing, medicine, etc. is anybody’s guess.
        Maybe that’s why they want a married minister– they’re depending on his wife to have a good income. (With most denominations, I’d say “his or her spouse,” but I gather that women pastors are more or less unheard of in the IFB churches.)

        1. That’s a part time/bi-vocational (although I’m sure they’ll do the IFB thing and want 40+ worked). But if whomever didn’t get a fjull time, that’s so far below the poverty level, they’d get an EITC refund without paying a dime, even if they claim all those benefits like you are required to do (and I’m 90% sure they won’t).

    2. Can’t believe I made SFL. You just don’t know what that means to me. You are hilarious people. It is quite sad that you obviously miss being with us. Got to go slumming to get your jollies. You are never really “out”, we will always control your minds and hearts. Resistance Is futile. You cannot shed your assimilation and training. Ah, the petulance is quite refreshing, and snarky too. Well, back to praying for your fetid, moribund souls. Have a great day!

  48. Wow. I just became a Rev. Dr. with a Doctor of Divinity and of Sacred Music. Mom will be proud. I’m totally changing my linkedin page.

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